annakatarinas
04-19-2014, 07:57 PM
Hey there, friendoz.
I just registered to this site like 2 minutes ago.
Anyways, my name is Anna Katarina (obviously), I am 19 years old and I live in Northern Europe. I wanted to share my story to see if anyone out there has the same experiences as me.
I have always been fond of answers - you know, lingering on hypochondria. I suddenly have a large bruise on my leg - leukemia. High fever - swine flu. Nausea - gastritis. And so on. I also remember being depressed in a rather heavy way the first time at the age of eleven. This depression, or more like feeling of emptiness, took the form of me being nervous and anxious for no particular reason at all, and also hypersensitive to stress (and then just about anything I would consider as a stressor). These feelings of being empty have been recurring for eight years now, and since two years, it has become worse and worse and more intense. I went to a psychiatrist once but didn't really "feel it", if you know what I mean. That was two years ago, and now I'm trying again, with a new one, since several teachers and the principal at school, my friends and my parents all got worried as I felt sadder and sadder. This guy could provide me with a kind of definite answer which came like a lightning from a clear sky to me - I, with 99% certainty, suffer from panic disorder. You would think now I would be happy because finally someone could give me this answer that I've been longing for forever. But no. Yeah, sure, I feel relieved that I know what's up in my head and all that and that there are ways to work through it. But since I am this person who wants all the answers, the flip side of that is that I have the crazy talent of adapting to just about anything. You know, when someone talks about the flu and suddenly you feel nauseous? Yeah, multiply that by like a hundred. I should probably add that I sometimes self-harm. Not by any means to try and kill myself, but you know, to control anxiety. This became more frequent as my psychiatrist spoke to me about the act of self-harming. It's like I want to be a "good" patient and "tick in all the boxes" of a mentally unstable person.
I then told my psychiatrist that I have experienced several panic attacks in the past, which is true, even if it (fortunately) haven't occurred in like the past three-four weeks or so (or not too heavy ones, anyways). And what do you think happened the day after my appointment with him?
BOOM.
Suddenly shaking, feeling of losing control, hyperventilation, rapid heartbeat, excessive sweating. It was the worst panic attack I've ever experienced. My dad talked me through it, luckily, and afterwards I thought "Wow I'm glad it didn't happen in public, but it probably won't because my psychiatrist told me I have panic disorder 'sans agoraphobia'". Also, I've always thought that it's "safer" to have an attack at a more public place rather than home alone, because then there are people near who would be able to help.
Well what do you think happened today when my father and I visited a restaurant? I felt light-headed, disconnected, shaking, coldsweating, and nauseous (had to visit the bathroom three times in twenty minutes just to be able to sit down and breathe and burp - which I do almost compulsively for some strange reason when I get that chest tightness and choking feeling). I felt like I totally ruined the evening, which of course resulted in me bursting out in tears in front of my father later this evening. Which I afterwards think only made it worse.
I also have this duality when it comes to being social. On one hand, I have really big problems with being alone - like borderline issues, almost. I get very anxious when things are totally quiet, when it's dark (though I am not afraid of the dark itself), and when I'm alone or feeling lonely. Also I am extremely scared that my parents and/or grandmother are going to die (which they eventually all will, naturally).
At the same time, though, I get really stressed out when there's a lot going on around me, a lot of noises and people etc. Then I feel like I have to be at like ten places at the same time and that thought alone makes me extremely nervous and anxious. I always feel like I have to "impress" people, you know, never say they're wrong, always be happy and serving and so on, which is really stressful. I am very self conscious around friends and constantly have to reassure that they like me and won't leave me - an act that can scare away just about anyone if you do it enough times. I also tend to get very intense in romantic relationships, and then switch to total disinterest. This side of my social "act" is extremely draining.
So, my questions are: Do you think I'm in any risk zone of developing agoraphobia? Are there anyone else who also have these behaviour of "acting as a certain diagnosis tells you"?
I just registered to this site like 2 minutes ago.
Anyways, my name is Anna Katarina (obviously), I am 19 years old and I live in Northern Europe. I wanted to share my story to see if anyone out there has the same experiences as me.
I have always been fond of answers - you know, lingering on hypochondria. I suddenly have a large bruise on my leg - leukemia. High fever - swine flu. Nausea - gastritis. And so on. I also remember being depressed in a rather heavy way the first time at the age of eleven. This depression, or more like feeling of emptiness, took the form of me being nervous and anxious for no particular reason at all, and also hypersensitive to stress (and then just about anything I would consider as a stressor). These feelings of being empty have been recurring for eight years now, and since two years, it has become worse and worse and more intense. I went to a psychiatrist once but didn't really "feel it", if you know what I mean. That was two years ago, and now I'm trying again, with a new one, since several teachers and the principal at school, my friends and my parents all got worried as I felt sadder and sadder. This guy could provide me with a kind of definite answer which came like a lightning from a clear sky to me - I, with 99% certainty, suffer from panic disorder. You would think now I would be happy because finally someone could give me this answer that I've been longing for forever. But no. Yeah, sure, I feel relieved that I know what's up in my head and all that and that there are ways to work through it. But since I am this person who wants all the answers, the flip side of that is that I have the crazy talent of adapting to just about anything. You know, when someone talks about the flu and suddenly you feel nauseous? Yeah, multiply that by like a hundred. I should probably add that I sometimes self-harm. Not by any means to try and kill myself, but you know, to control anxiety. This became more frequent as my psychiatrist spoke to me about the act of self-harming. It's like I want to be a "good" patient and "tick in all the boxes" of a mentally unstable person.
I then told my psychiatrist that I have experienced several panic attacks in the past, which is true, even if it (fortunately) haven't occurred in like the past three-four weeks or so (or not too heavy ones, anyways). And what do you think happened the day after my appointment with him?
BOOM.
Suddenly shaking, feeling of losing control, hyperventilation, rapid heartbeat, excessive sweating. It was the worst panic attack I've ever experienced. My dad talked me through it, luckily, and afterwards I thought "Wow I'm glad it didn't happen in public, but it probably won't because my psychiatrist told me I have panic disorder 'sans agoraphobia'". Also, I've always thought that it's "safer" to have an attack at a more public place rather than home alone, because then there are people near who would be able to help.
Well what do you think happened today when my father and I visited a restaurant? I felt light-headed, disconnected, shaking, coldsweating, and nauseous (had to visit the bathroom three times in twenty minutes just to be able to sit down and breathe and burp - which I do almost compulsively for some strange reason when I get that chest tightness and choking feeling). I felt like I totally ruined the evening, which of course resulted in me bursting out in tears in front of my father later this evening. Which I afterwards think only made it worse.
I also have this duality when it comes to being social. On one hand, I have really big problems with being alone - like borderline issues, almost. I get very anxious when things are totally quiet, when it's dark (though I am not afraid of the dark itself), and when I'm alone or feeling lonely. Also I am extremely scared that my parents and/or grandmother are going to die (which they eventually all will, naturally).
At the same time, though, I get really stressed out when there's a lot going on around me, a lot of noises and people etc. Then I feel like I have to be at like ten places at the same time and that thought alone makes me extremely nervous and anxious. I always feel like I have to "impress" people, you know, never say they're wrong, always be happy and serving and so on, which is really stressful. I am very self conscious around friends and constantly have to reassure that they like me and won't leave me - an act that can scare away just about anyone if you do it enough times. I also tend to get very intense in romantic relationships, and then switch to total disinterest. This side of my social "act" is extremely draining.
So, my questions are: Do you think I'm in any risk zone of developing agoraphobia? Are there anyone else who also have these behaviour of "acting as a certain diagnosis tells you"?