Developing agoraphobia?

[annakatarinas]

Hey there, friendoz.

I just registered to this site like 2 minutes ago.
Anyways, my name is Anna Katarina (obviously), I am 19 years old and I live in Northern Europe. I wanted to share my story to see if anyone out there has the same experiences as me.

I have always been fond of answers - you know, lingering on hypochondria. I suddenly have a large bruise on my leg - leukemia. High fever - swine flu. Nausea - gastritis. And so on. I also remember being depressed in a rather heavy way the first time at the age of eleven. This depression, or more like feeling of emptiness, took the form of me being nervous and anxious for no particular reason at all, and also hypersensitive to stress (and then just about anything I would consider as a stressor). These feelings of being empty have been recurring for eight years now, and since two years, it has become worse and worse and more intense. I went to a psychiatrist once but didn't really "feel it", if you know what I mean. That was two years ago, and now I'm trying again, with a new one, since several teachers and the principal at school, my friends and my parents all got worried as I felt sadder and sadder. This guy could provide me with a kind of definite answer which came like a lightning from a clear sky to me - I, with 99% certainty, suffer from panic disorder. You would think now I would be happy because finally someone could give me this answer that I've been longing for forever. But no. Yeah, sure, I feel relieved that I know what's up in my head and all that and that there are ways to work through it. But since I am this person who wants all the answers, the flip side of that is that I have the crazy talent of adapting to just about anything. You know, when someone talks about the flu and suddenly you feel nauseous? Yeah, multiply that by like a hundred. I should probably add that I sometimes self-harm. Not by any means to try and kill myself, but you know, to control anxiety. This became more frequent as my psychiatrist spoke to me about the act of self-harming. It's like I want to be a "good" patient and "tick in all the boxes" of a mentally unstable person.

I then told my psychiatrist that I have experienced several panic attacks in the past, which is true, even if it (fortunately) haven't occurred in like the past three-four weeks or so (or not too heavy ones, anyways). And what do you think happened the day after my appointment with him?
BOOM.
Suddenly shaking, feeling of losing control, hyperventilation, rapid heartbeat, excessive sweating. It was the worst panic attack I've ever experienced. My dad talked me through it, luckily, and afterwards I thought "Wow I'm glad it didn't happen in public, but it probably won't because my psychiatrist told me I have panic disorder 'sans agoraphobia'". Also, I've always thought that it's "safer" to have an attack at a more public place rather than home alone, because then there are people near who would be able to help.
Well what do you think happened today when my father and I visited a restaurant? I felt light-headed, disconnected, shaking, coldsweating, and nauseous (had to visit the bathroom three times in twenty minutes just to be able to sit down and breathe and burp - which I do almost compulsively for some strange reason when I get that chest tightness and choking feeling). I felt like I totally ruined the evening, which of course resulted in me bursting out in tears in front of my father later this evening. Which I afterwards think only made it worse.

I also have this duality when it comes to being social. On one hand, I have really big problems with being alone - like borderline issues, almost. I get very anxious when things are totally quiet, when it's dark (though I am not afraid of the dark itself), and when I'm alone or feeling lonely. Also I am extremely scared that my parents and/or grandmother are going to die (which they eventually all will, naturally).
At the same time, though, I get really stressed out when there's a lot going on around me, a lot of noises and people etc. Then I feel like I have to be at like ten places at the same time and that thought alone makes me extremely nervous and anxious. I always feel like I have to "impress" people, you know, never say they're wrong, always be happy and serving and so on, which is really stressful. I am very self conscious around friends and constantly have to reassure that they like me and won't leave me - an act that can scare away just about anyone if you do it enough times. I also tend to get very intense in romantic relationships, and then switch to total disinterest. This side of my social "act" is extremely draining.

So, my questions are: Do you think I'm in any risk zone of developing agoraphobia? Are there anyone else who also have these behaviour of "acting as a certain diagnosis tells you"?

[needtogetwell]

Welcome Anna,

You are a very well spoken young lady.

My initial thoughts are...

1. You are lucky to have your family help you through these episodes. They are obviously very understanding and love you very much.

2. I think you might google symptoms too much. Most of the time a bruise is just a bruise. Try to let it go, as something that simple.

3. If you have recently had a thorough medical check up and your doctor doesn't find anything wrong then accept it and try not to look for trouble where none exists. If you haven't seen your doctor recently then this would be a good place to start. Get a clean bill of health.

4. Be open minded with your psych doc, sometimes we don't initially click with doctors but give it a chance.

5. Try to live in the now, today is all that matters. You are young and you have your whole life ahead of you. Don't worry it away.

Are you heading for agoraphobia, I don't think so. But you know what it is and you can help yourself a great deal by not allowing yourself to fall into the trap. See it for what it is and get on with enjoying the things and people who are important to you.

I wish you nothing but love and happiness.
Cheers
Pam

[JohnC]

HI Anna and welcome.
Let me expand on one of the things that Pam said about living in the now. Life is to complicated and full of stimuli from the news and the internet and are minds run with or atleast some of ours do. Living in the now is tough but I want to give you a couple of examples from my last 20 years. I have spent the last 20 years worring that I have some dredful illness or cancer or what ever else there is out there but yet I am still here. I have spent the last 20 years worrying about my parents dying but guess what, going down to see them for easter dinner. What I am trying to say is that is a lot of time worring for no reason at all. It is tough and I think people like us are typically kind and caring people. Keep seeing your doc and look around this forum ther is a lot of good folks on here. fouteen14 has a good thread out there with some good videos and other stuff you may find usefull.
Good luck to you. ( sorry for the spelling, wish I could find that spell checker thing )

[Ritch]

I think it's very difficult to predict whether or not you or any of us will develop agoraphobia, for a brief period I experienced borderline symptoms of it and prior to that I would never have predicted I would have suffered with it. A lot of what you describe is pretty much how I used to be and I see a lot of myself in what you wrote, the best advice I can give you is to focus working on your current difficulties and if any new ones arise you can cross that bridge when you come to it. I understand that this is much easier to say than do, but the future is not as important as the present moment.

There does appear to be an element of health anxiety in there, your fears are being manifested physically by your anxiety and you describe yourself as someone who appears to be highly vigilant and highly responsive to changes in your environment. The fear of family members dying or a feeling of impending doom I would guess comes from your fear of being alone or abandoned (I used to have this when I awoke). This is also evident when you say try to impress people, seek reassurance etc. I used to do the same things all just because I wanted to be liked, to not be alone and I didn't want to risk those things by upsetting anybody. I'd take a guess and say that if you are in somebody's company who is in a bad or "off" mood you assume that it is you who has upset them?

as for believing it is safer to have a panic attack in a public place as oppose to being at home, neither are true because panic attacks are not dangerous. They feel awful and make you feel like something is terribly wrong, but they are transient..... they come and they go

May I ask what your psychiatrist has suggested as a course of action treatment wise?

[annakatarinas]

Thank you all for your kind words. I understand that I should live in the now, not get carried away etc; my problem is that I am a very emotional person and that easily get absorbed by my feelings, even though afterwards, I can intellectualize about them like I do right now.

Ritch: We haven't gotten so far into therapy/sessions yet, but I have as a homework this week to express in my on words and write down what I think I need help with, and how I want that to happen.