savingkie
04-09-2014, 01:14 PM
I've been suffering GREATLY since early November from a spike in my OCD, and it's been a really really rough few months. My grades have went from high-mid 90s to high 70s/mid 80s, and one or two 90's. I'm a freshman in high school, and I've never had an issue like this before. My main obsession since November has been suicide. I have barely stopped thinking (not voluntarily, we're talking intrusive thoughts here) about suicide since November, as it will wax and wane, but it's present almost 24/7, and I've been in a constant state of derealized terror. Previous to November, I was happy go lucky and motivated, and I couldn't wait for my future (college, marriage, motherhood, etc) and suicide wouldn't even be anywhere near an option! But now, I've developed a few symptoms of comorbid depression (not as happy, lack of motivation, frequent crying, irritability sometimes as well) and it's so terrifying. I wake up every morning and the first thought that subconsciously pops into my head is "Woah, you're gonna kill yourself today! You won't make it to tomorrow!" which starts the day off miserably, and mornings are always really tough. Now don't get me wrong, I'd much much rather live without these thoughts, which I've labeled a "terminal obsession"- an obsession over my apparently impending death. I also get intrusive thoughts occasionally that say "Why are you even doing this, you're going to die anyways!" (While I'm doing schoolwork or something), even though I continue to do my work despite the thoughts. And when I get through a day, I get intrusive thoughts along the lines of "You may have slipped death today and gotten through the day, but you can't do it tomorrow!". (By the way, these aren't voices, they're intrusive thoughts- just thought I'd put it out there because I have a fear of schizophrenia/going crazy!) Every day, I feel like it's my last day, and that I won't make it tomorrow. And when it comes to thinking of 2 days ahead, a week ahead, a month ahead.. because I think that I won't be alive then. It's such a terrifying, saddening feeling. A lot of things remind me of death, and it's really scary. Since I've been suffering so long with no avail, I guess I almost feel as if this will go on forever, and it's getting really tiring. School is really daunting for me, as my original problem was emetephobia, so when you mix that with a feeling that this is my last day, it's quite a mess. All I want is to get back to my normal happy self, because I barely remember what that feels like. In October (and over the summer, last year as well) I woke up every morning and thanked God for giving me my life, because I loved it. I really don't get it, because these thoughts have no justifiable reason to be here besides the fact that I've been suffering for so long. I have plenty of friends, a loving family, I don't think I'm worthless and I don't hate myself/have low self esteem- so what I'm wondering is, isn't that typical of suicidal people? Don't they feel that they're a waste of space, and that's why they take their lives? I don't even know if I'm actually suicidal, I just feel so scared and confused (and exhausted!) because I've been overanalyzing my thoughts non-stop with no breaks, so I've overthought my fear of suicide to the point where I've erased some of the fear from it. And by that, I mean I've lessened some of the fear of the intrusive thoughts, and that really worries me. I guess I just feel as if I need a break and that I need something to relieve the constant agony I'm in. Obviously, the answer would not be suicide, as that's permanent. I've told my psychologist almost all of this, yet he just told me that it's my OCD and that I have no characteristics of a suicidal person, but for some reason, I don't trust him or find any relief in his answers. I'm really scared that my life will forever be in a downward spiral as it is now, and I guess that's the most terrifying part of it all. I'm just really lost and confused, as I've tried medication (I tried Zoloft in November, and it made me very sick and that was actually what sparked all the suicide obsessional OCD thoughts- all because I read that there was an increased risk of suicide in teens who are on Zoloft), I'm seeing one of New York state's greatest therapists, and my family pays a fortune each week for me to see him, but I've still seen little to no improvement in my suicide obsessions. Is there other options to help me? I've also tried magnesium oil, a "bio tuner", and a few other natural remixes, plus I'm trying Inositol this weekend. Lastly, I forgot to include the part where I've never made a plan for suicide (as in how I would do it) and when I get intrusive thoughts about anything having to do with dying/suicide, I physically shake my head in order to try to stop thinking them if I'm alone, and if I'm in public, I feel extremely distressed, but I don't show it. Please, please help me, what do I do? I've told my parents and they don't think I'm suicidal either, but I keep doubting everyone even when I don't want to! I'm just so far into my own thoughts and I have been for the past 6 months so I feel so confused! I seriously keep getting intrusive thoughts that I'm finally going to do it tonight and I'm terrified! I'm going to tell my mom again, but what else do I do? What if I get sent to the hospital? If anyone could try to interpret any of these racing thoughts, I'd really appreciate it, although I'm not even sure whether or not it makes sense since I wrote it so quickly and my thoughts are so jumbled. Suicide obsessions and death were always my biggest fear, and they have been since 6th grade, but I can't tell if it's different now!! Thank you so much to anyone who helps :)