Irish Sammie
04-01-2014, 06:35 AM
Hey guys,
After thinking things out, and from my recent experience last night, I've come to realize that I have, or atleast have the starting symtoms of Agoraphobia. I had to go meet my family for dinner last night, a place in the city center.I left the house and was feeling a bit wary of my surroundings (my vision right now is quite obscured...sensitive to light, narrower cone of vision, shaky vision etc). I got up to the top of the road and realizing I might be late for the dinner, I grabbed a taxi. Once getting into the taxi I felt better, more "safe". I then got to the restaurant and waited outside as I was earlier than expected. Standing outside, watching people go by, I just felt like I was taking in so much information, I felt like my brain was going to explode. I didn't really feel any connection to where I was or what I was looking at. When my family arrived, we went inside and got seated, but for the whole entire meal I was so uneasy, I couldn't relax, I seemed to focus and hone in closer to my surroundings than what was right infront of me, MY family!
I pretended as much as I could, but my mood was out of character. I'm usually the upbeat, playful one and my mother noticed something wasn't right. I was trying to engage in their conversations but just felt incredibly uncomfortable. She's aware of some anxieties that I have, but not to the extent of what I have at the moment. I didn't want to get into a conversation about it over dinner so I told her I was fine, and not to worry about it. Needless to say, the dinner wasn't enjoyable, and I could barely enjoy the food. When we left, it was dark outside and I felt more comfortable, as I'm sure other people might agree with. The first panic attack I had, was in a busy public place. I've had perhaps 3 other instances so far that I'd describe as the "start" of an attack, but I was able to focus myself to push it aside and carry on, as excruciatingly hard as it was. When I'm out, I find myself looking more to the ground than out infront of me, partly due to my senstivity to light, partly due to not wanting to feel like I'm taking in so much information. I always had a little bit of social anxiety, but it was more down to nerves, wondering what I'll get up to with friends etc. I've had issues with my self image for a few years also, and I'm not sure if this has aggravated my current situation. In relation to this, I find my apartment and my room a safe haven, feeling instantly more relaxed once I get home and I'm wondering if I've built up a safe haven here, my little bunker of content.
For the last few weeks, I've been experiencing increased sensitivity to my surroundings, eye strain, headaches, a near constant feeling of pressure in my head. I describe it as being quite visually drunk, without being drunk. I went to the doctor about 4 days ago, and he prescribed me Inderal. I literally only took one today, as I've been back and forth in my mind whether I wanted to start medicating, feeling like it might only blind me from the real issues.
If I use this to gain more confidence in public, will it hamper my recovery? As in, is my body learning to cope and retrain if I force myself to go outside whilst being on Inderal at the same time? Would Inderal give me a false sense of security, so if I stopped using it, then when exposing myself to the public I'll be back to square one? (I hope I've explained that sufficiently).
I'm quite scared for my future due to some big plans I have in motion currently. I'm supposed to be moving to Canada in a few months and right now that's a terrifying thought. If I'm finding it hard in my home city, how will I be able for a brand new unknown place?
I'm not even sure why I'm posting this right now, maybe just to air my thoughts? I'm just not sure what to do next.
I'm sorry, I'm ranting a bit now! heh...
Any advice/input would be brilliant. Thank you for reading! :)
After thinking things out, and from my recent experience last night, I've come to realize that I have, or atleast have the starting symtoms of Agoraphobia. I had to go meet my family for dinner last night, a place in the city center.I left the house and was feeling a bit wary of my surroundings (my vision right now is quite obscured...sensitive to light, narrower cone of vision, shaky vision etc). I got up to the top of the road and realizing I might be late for the dinner, I grabbed a taxi. Once getting into the taxi I felt better, more "safe". I then got to the restaurant and waited outside as I was earlier than expected. Standing outside, watching people go by, I just felt like I was taking in so much information, I felt like my brain was going to explode. I didn't really feel any connection to where I was or what I was looking at. When my family arrived, we went inside and got seated, but for the whole entire meal I was so uneasy, I couldn't relax, I seemed to focus and hone in closer to my surroundings than what was right infront of me, MY family!
I pretended as much as I could, but my mood was out of character. I'm usually the upbeat, playful one and my mother noticed something wasn't right. I was trying to engage in their conversations but just felt incredibly uncomfortable. She's aware of some anxieties that I have, but not to the extent of what I have at the moment. I didn't want to get into a conversation about it over dinner so I told her I was fine, and not to worry about it. Needless to say, the dinner wasn't enjoyable, and I could barely enjoy the food. When we left, it was dark outside and I felt more comfortable, as I'm sure other people might agree with. The first panic attack I had, was in a busy public place. I've had perhaps 3 other instances so far that I'd describe as the "start" of an attack, but I was able to focus myself to push it aside and carry on, as excruciatingly hard as it was. When I'm out, I find myself looking more to the ground than out infront of me, partly due to my senstivity to light, partly due to not wanting to feel like I'm taking in so much information. I always had a little bit of social anxiety, but it was more down to nerves, wondering what I'll get up to with friends etc. I've had issues with my self image for a few years also, and I'm not sure if this has aggravated my current situation. In relation to this, I find my apartment and my room a safe haven, feeling instantly more relaxed once I get home and I'm wondering if I've built up a safe haven here, my little bunker of content.
For the last few weeks, I've been experiencing increased sensitivity to my surroundings, eye strain, headaches, a near constant feeling of pressure in my head. I describe it as being quite visually drunk, without being drunk. I went to the doctor about 4 days ago, and he prescribed me Inderal. I literally only took one today, as I've been back and forth in my mind whether I wanted to start medicating, feeling like it might only blind me from the real issues.
If I use this to gain more confidence in public, will it hamper my recovery? As in, is my body learning to cope and retrain if I force myself to go outside whilst being on Inderal at the same time? Would Inderal give me a false sense of security, so if I stopped using it, then when exposing myself to the public I'll be back to square one? (I hope I've explained that sufficiently).
I'm quite scared for my future due to some big plans I have in motion currently. I'm supposed to be moving to Canada in a few months and right now that's a terrifying thought. If I'm finding it hard in my home city, how will I be able for a brand new unknown place?
I'm not even sure why I'm posting this right now, maybe just to air my thoughts? I'm just not sure what to do next.
I'm sorry, I'm ranting a bit now! heh...
Any advice/input would be brilliant. Thank you for reading! :)