Not sure how to explain..

[After5hock]

I'm sure most (if not all) of us has had that feeling where you can't just describe it. Its between 'I think I'm okay' and 'I need an exit'. However you want to try to describe it, it's still a horrible feeling to have. The uncertainty. Anyways.. I'm currently deep in that rabbit hole.. I can deal with most of the symptoms except the racing mind, uncertainty, and fearfully feelings. When my mind starts racing, it seems to hit every painful, and jagged edge in my memory. Okay, well currently, this memory lane train isn't stopping at any station. The passed two hours: I've cried. Put a hole in my wall. Screamed. Cried more. Stared at knives (I haven't cut in nearly 8 years now). Now, I'm crying again. I almost can't bear this insanity any longer. I hate being alone.. I scare myself. The worse part is that I can't even talk to my fiance about all these crazy things pent up inside.. and if I did, I don't know that I'd know how to explain it.
I'm sorry if this is a little scatter-brained for y'all.. I'm not much the conversationalist.

[meli26]

I totally get what ur going through. I'm going through that today. I'm in between happy, sad and mad. I dunno what I am. It's very hard to explain and ur right I don't even attempt explaining this to my bf cause it will just make me more anxious when I see he doesn't understand.

Your not alone n im sure there's plenty of others out there feeling the same way. Keep your head high n try to think positive.

[After5hock]

Thanks Meli. I'm try to keep this head up.. it's just too heavy though. :( The worst part about being in this mood is that it puts my bf in an awkwardly frustrated mood it seems. When I look sad he'll keep asking me what's wrong, and looks confused/frustrated when I'm fine in 20 seconds. I hate that I get irritated that I can't just make him understand. Oh, how simple things would be. *sigh*

[meli26]

My bf gives me the same look all the time. Asking me what's wrong etc.. Just looks confused and the worse part is that if I try to explain I just make myself look crazy so I stop trying to make him understand cause I came to the realization that he probably never will. So trust me I totally get where ur coming from! Feels good to know I'm not the only one feeling like this

[After5hock]

My bf is so stubborn that he wouldn't even care if I brought him the professor that taught the doctor.

[meli26]

Lol yeah I get you

I actually did show my bf information on the Internet to give him a better understanding but if he really gets it I'll never know

[After5hock]

I actually poured my guts out telling him how I feel on a daily basis, and he sat there and listened.. but then just played with his phone the rest of the night knowing I wasn't feeling right. Instead of trying to cheer me up, he basically ignored me. I'm so tired of his stupid phone!

[meli26]

OMG TELL ME ABOUT IT! I'm in the exact same situation!!!! He just can't let go of that dumb phone n it makes me even more anxious!!! Wow we can so relate to each other is crazy

[meli26]

So I think last resort for me n u right now is to just talk to each other.

[After5hock]

That'd be great. Its so relieving to talk to someone who understands. I told my bf yesterday that I started chatting with you, and how relieving it was to have someone understand.. he got so jealous that it made him mad. Like, can't someone just be happy for me for once.

[NixonRulz]

You guys just need new boyfriends

LOL

[needtogetwell]

Hey ladies,

I agree with Nixon and Frankie. You both deserve better than that!

There are really good guys out there, you just need to wait until the perfect Prince Charming comes your way!

Don't settle for less than you deserve and have all your needs met!

Good luck!

[NixonRulz]

.....or at the very least those needs pertaining to your health! I would think thats the very least one should be able to expect from someone that claims to love you.

Did you say something, Frankie?

You should change your picture back to Zola

I don't even read what you wrote anymore

I just look at your picture. : )

[After5hock]

The only thing that is wrong with my relationship is that he has a hard time understanding what's going on with me.. however, unlike most men, he does care and asks how I'm doing.. he just doesn't want me on meds because he doesn't trust them or the doctors that prescribe them. I sorry that I took that offensively, but I've been married to an extremely abusive man before.. if I believed in religion, I'd say that my current man is heaven sent. (Aside from this med issue)

[After5hock]

I just wish I didn't have to deal with this. I'm not the dealing kind of person. I've never actually full on screamed at anyone before until today. My poor mom. :( I never want to be alone (it scares me).. today, all I want is to be alone, and of course moms always dig. She came into the gym (where I work) to do the treadmill.. I haven't been in a good mood all day and was had been fighting back a huge panic attack for over an hour (I was trying to get my job done before letting my emotions loose). Well, I guess a couple people asked my mom what was wrong with me because I looked depressed.. (I avoided her the whole time till I left) now, here's mom, shovel in hand, telling me that she's coming to my house. I respectfully asked her not to because I wanted to be alone.. (never should've said that) needless to say, she showed up prying and poking trying get information as to why I was upset (mind you, I have no clue why) I had asked her nicely to leave twice.. but nooo. I just got fed up, threw my phone down and screamed at her to get the eff out of my house. (Mom doesn't cuss so I don't ever in front of her) in mom's head a cuss word means something is wrong. I feel so bad for screaming rather, but I feel even worse that I was a split second away from putting hands on her (also something I've never done before) I have no clue what's wrong with me today, but being around anyone has been making me extra edgy.

[meli26]

I have to agree that the only flaw my bf has is that he has a hard time understanding what I'm going through and we are actually having a heated argument as we speak about it. He says that im using my anxiety to twist his hand???? I was like what??? I'm just really shocked at the things he is saying. And of course the convo is once again about his ex contacting him.

I also told him about this site and he seemed happy for me that I found someone to talk to in desperate hopes it would make me stop talking to him about it. :S dunno if I should feel happy or sad about that?!

[After5hock]

I have to agree that the only flaw my bf has is that he has a hard time understanding what I'm going through and we are actually having a heated argument as we speak about it. He says that im using my anxiety to twist his hand???? I was like what??? I'm just really shocked at the things he is saying. And of course the convo is once again about his ex contacting him.

I also told him about this site and he seemed happy for me that I found someone to talk to in desperate hopes it would make me stop talking to him about it. :S dunno if I should feel happy or sad about that?!

His ex contacting him? Oh no.
I'm sure that I'd feel hurt that he wouldn't like me venting to him about what's going on with me. That's kinda messed up. He didn't just come out and say it, did he?

Yeah, I just finished my apology with my mom. Dialog:
>Me: " I know your mad at me, and probably hurt. I truly am sorry for acting that way, but I don't seem to have any control of my emotions today."
>Mom: "I don't know what to say."
>Me: " I know. You don't have to say anything. I just wanted you to know that I really am sorry. I do feel like I have little to no power with controlling my emotions when I'm like that. I had been battling a huge panic attack for nearly four hours and just wanted to be alone to calm down somehow. Its true that I don't know what's wrong, I just know that I don't like it. It really feels like having a heart attack. All this morning my heart has been pounding, my mind wouldn't slow down, I couldn't breathe, and my throat started tightening up. That, and I was very embarrassed that I had allowed myself to full out cry in front of a lot of people at the gym just because someone asked if I was okay. I couldn't control it, it just came rushing out. Just like that scream. I instantly felt horrible, but I was already extremely aggravated with myself and seriously just needed to be alone for a little bit. Please, next time I ask to be alone, just let me be."

Of course, all she did was lecture me that I have to find meds to take. I know that, but if I can find a way without them.. that'd be amazing.

[meli26]

I'm glad you cleared it up with ur mom, I'm sure it made u feel better after u did that.

Yeah his ex contacting him, this is what I'm trying to deal with right now and I'm praying for the end to be near with this..

[After5hock]

I'm glad you cleared it up with ur mom, I'm sure it made u feel better after u did that.

Yeah his ex contacting him, this is what I'm trying to deal with right now and I'm praying for the end to be near with this..

If you'd like someone to talk to, and to vent to.. I'll be here. :)

[meli26]

Thanks! Ur sweet! I do feel like I need to vent. I'm at work and just told my manager I needed to go take a break due to my anxiety and she was totally understanding n all so that helped but it doesn't help that my bf sits right next to me at work and couldn't give a dam that im feeling this way. We just had a big discussion/ argument through IM about his ex etc.. And it just made me go overboard. I feel like my head is about to explode cuz it's hurting so much . I told him fine, that he had the last word in the convo bc I had gotten my dose.

[After5hock]

Boyfriends can be frustrating. Lol. I'm sorry that you're hurting like this. :( I hope this is all resolved soon.