PurpleGoat
03-26-2014, 06:47 PM
I don't know what my problem is. I'm confused as to why I am the way I am. That's what I'm here for. I wonder if I'm alone in this fight, like I usually am. I hope it's alright if I ramble a little bit...
I've never been social in my life, and insofar have no friends whatsoever. I've never attempted to start a conversation, because I simply cannot without being incredibly awkward. Whenever I "talk" to someone, it's because I have to, and I never make eye contact. In fact, I look away. Often in school I feel as if I am in a psychosis and sometimes get laughed at for staring into nothingness. I'm always the "odd one out." Multiple times people have said "you remind me of Norman Bates." They say I look and act like him or whatever. I'd like to think that I'm normal, but I know it's not true. There's something horribly wrong.
And speeches are horrible. I reach a trance-like state before them and my heart-rate gets dangerously high.
Sleeping can also be horrible. I've felt like I was being ripped out of my bed once and could not sleep. I only get 2 hours of sleep sometimes. One night I woke up at 3:00 AM and I hallucinated that I had no arms and I freaked out. Not much sleep was had there either.
Just recently I had an EKG, because my heart rate was around 180bpm for no reason at all. Doctors said the EKG was normal.
The temperature in my hands is always low. They turn purple and orange often. I've been told this is called rynauds syndrome.
In school I always have bizarre thoughts.
I've been bullied -- mostly verbally -- in my early life. Sometimes I did get slammed into snow banks when walking home.
I'm not sure what the case is here, where my anxiety originates from, where my anti-social behavior originates from... I feel isolated here.
I've never been social in my life, and insofar have no friends whatsoever. I've never attempted to start a conversation, because I simply cannot without being incredibly awkward. Whenever I "talk" to someone, it's because I have to, and I never make eye contact. In fact, I look away. Often in school I feel as if I am in a psychosis and sometimes get laughed at for staring into nothingness. I'm always the "odd one out." Multiple times people have said "you remind me of Norman Bates." They say I look and act like him or whatever. I'd like to think that I'm normal, but I know it's not true. There's something horribly wrong.
And speeches are horrible. I reach a trance-like state before them and my heart-rate gets dangerously high.
Sleeping can also be horrible. I've felt like I was being ripped out of my bed once and could not sleep. I only get 2 hours of sleep sometimes. One night I woke up at 3:00 AM and I hallucinated that I had no arms and I freaked out. Not much sleep was had there either.
Just recently I had an EKG, because my heart rate was around 180bpm for no reason at all. Doctors said the EKG was normal.
The temperature in my hands is always low. They turn purple and orange often. I've been told this is called rynauds syndrome.
In school I always have bizarre thoughts.
I've been bullied -- mostly verbally -- in my early life. Sometimes I did get slammed into snow banks when walking home.
I'm not sure what the case is here, where my anxiety originates from, where my anti-social behavior originates from... I feel isolated here.