airam
03-25-2014, 08:25 PM
Hi! I've been visiting this site for a while, but never actually built up the courage to post something. That might sound odd but forums have always intimidated me. I've suffered from anxiety since I was about thirteen, but it was my sophomore year of college that I was diagnosed with gad and depression. I went through a really rough patch, lost about 15-20 lbs. because I couldn't eat. I wasn't sleeping and couldn't get through a day without really intense crying spells. I went to school out of state so it didn't help that I was really far away from my family.
That's a pretty spotty account of my history dealing with anxiety and depression, but I guess it helps to have some context. I graduated from school in May and moved back home in September. The change has been really intense and I think that's what I'm having such a hard time coping with. I went to an all-women's college and had an incredibly close group of friends - they're my family really. I went from having a really extensive and incredible social network to moving back to my hometown where, although my family is here, I don't really feel like I fit in. I struggle a lot with loneliness, feeling like I'm stuck in life, ruminating over all of my decisions because I'm so terrified I'll make the "wrong" one. I recently was offered a job (which I've since accepted) but I can't even feel happy about that, because I'm nervous I won't be good enough, or even if I am good enough that I won't be happy or fulfilled.
Fulfillment is something I think about a lot. In college we're led to believe (or we deceive ourselves into believing) that life will be this incredibly fulfilling journey that we'll share with people that we deeply care about. It's been difficult to realize that life is really a series of time spent working, sleeping, eating, and repeating.
I guess I'm here to try to get others' perspectives on life. It seems like the people around have such an easy time enjoying life, being happy. I don't. I think about everything and when you really think about things you realize there is a lot at risk, and not much really to be happy for.
That's a pretty spotty account of my history dealing with anxiety and depression, but I guess it helps to have some context. I graduated from school in May and moved back home in September. The change has been really intense and I think that's what I'm having such a hard time coping with. I went to an all-women's college and had an incredibly close group of friends - they're my family really. I went from having a really extensive and incredible social network to moving back to my hometown where, although my family is here, I don't really feel like I fit in. I struggle a lot with loneliness, feeling like I'm stuck in life, ruminating over all of my decisions because I'm so terrified I'll make the "wrong" one. I recently was offered a job (which I've since accepted) but I can't even feel happy about that, because I'm nervous I won't be good enough, or even if I am good enough that I won't be happy or fulfilled.
Fulfillment is something I think about a lot. In college we're led to believe (or we deceive ourselves into believing) that life will be this incredibly fulfilling journey that we'll share with people that we deeply care about. It's been difficult to realize that life is really a series of time spent working, sleeping, eating, and repeating.
I guess I'm here to try to get others' perspectives on life. It seems like the people around have such an easy time enjoying life, being happy. I don't. I think about everything and when you really think about things you realize there is a lot at risk, and not much really to be happy for.