Feeling awful

[Macy2014]

Hi. I'm new here. Feeling awful. In fact, have been feeling awful almost everyday for the past 10 years. I don't know how I pulled it through, but somehow I did. But now I'm not sure if I could live through another day. Everyday just feels like a struggle just to survive and can't help looking at the people around me, asking myself why I just can't have a normal life like them. I thought if I hold on long enough or fight it hard enough, my problem would just leave me and I would be able to feel normal again. The truth is I don't even know what's wrong with me. I find it very difficult to describe what my problems really are and I wonder if anyone would ever understand what I am saying. But I want to try now and please listen. I went through a stressful event 10 years back. I experienced fear and panic for the first time, but it wasn't a full-blown panic attack. I had pounding heart and breathed rapidly. Since then, the experience of these sensations was deeply planted into my mind. I haven't been able to breathe properly since that moment onwards. Every second I feel like I am breathing rapidly to catch my breath. Every second I feel my heart beating hard in my chest. I fall asleep with my heart pounding and I always wake up with my heart beating against my chest. It was mild in the beginning and I could still live like normal. But one day a thought suddenly came up in my mind that terrifies me ' what if without me knowing it, my condition has made me acting strange and other people have been observing me?'. My fear escalated since that day as I don't want to look like abnormal. The more I care about it the more I feel uneasy to be around other people. I started to have anxiety when I have to work with other people. The fear got intense one day and I couldn't help shaking and trembling. And I think I got secondary agoraphobia after this event as I started to avoid lots of situations and close contact with people. I don't know how to deal with this. I don't understand how this could possibly happen. It feels as if I am having difficulty in breathing each and every moment and this sensation is killing me, especially recently as I totally lose my ability to focus on any task and I don't think I can function normally anymore. Every second I feel like giving up cause I can't even breathe properly. And I have got no one now as I have stayed away from people since a long time ago. Feel like I am the most pathetic person in the world right now. I guess I just need someone to tell me that everything's gonna be fine.

[Srm1135]

Everything is going to be fine. Because you are not alone. I suffer from the exact same thing for over 20 years. I finally had to check into a mental health hospital. Great decision. Sometimes we need a break from the outside world. The best advice I can give is medication WITH therapy. I go to numerous groups and they really help to not feel alone. Anxiety group, worry and stress, and cognitive behavior therapy group. The best thing to fight our affliction is to take a proactive approach because ultimately we control it not the other way around, although it seems like it. I have been going through hell for the past month with chronic anxiety. But when I checked into the hospital I decided to take that proactive approach. There are never enough books to read, guided meditations to listen to, or enough groups to attend. It's tough but WE can do it. Remember your not alone, I'm right next to you in that boat holding an oar and we are paddling together .

[needtogetwell]

I'm sorry to hijack this thread but I have to say I am soooo relieved to see you Srm.

Some of your last posts had you in such distresss that I was worried about how you were doing.

You sound so much better and on a good a good path. I'm really happy for you!

Remember we are here for you, if you need us.

Cheers!
Pam

[Macy2014]

Everything is going to be fine. Because you are not alone. I suffer from the exact same thing for over 20 years. I finally had to check into a mental health hospital. Great decision. Sometimes we need a break from the outside world. The best advice I can give is medication WITH therapy. I go to numerous groups and they really help to not feel alone. Anxiety group, worry and stress, and cognitive behavior therapy group. The best thing to fight our affliction is to take a proactive approach because ultimately we control it not the other way around, although it seems like it. I have been going through hell for the past month with chronic anxiety. But when I checked into the hospital I decided to take that proactive approach. There are never enough books to read, guided meditations to listen to, or enough groups to attend. It's tough but WE can do it. Remember your not alone, I'm right next to you in that boat holding an oar and we are paddling together .

Hi, Srm. Thank you so much for telling me the words that I need to hear right now. I don't know what I am supposed to do. I can't lose my job cause I need the money. But I am worried that sooner or later I am gonna have to give it up as I can't do it anymore. I have got three family members with depression and other mental problems and one committed suicide. I can't bear to let them know about my condition. I want to take care of my family but I can't even take care of myself now. They need me and my financial support. I don't know how to deal with this. There are just too many negative thoughts in my mind right now. But I know you are right. All this while I have been avoiding to take any action because I don't want to let anyone know about my condition. But it just gets worse with each day passing. I guess it's time to face it. Thanks again for sharing your experience and hope you are doing fine now.

[needtogetwell]

Hi, Srm. Thank you so much for telling me the words that I need to hear right now. I don't know what I am supposed to do. I can't lose my job cause I need the money. But I am worried that sooner or later I am gonna have to give it up as I can't do it anymore. I have got three family members with depression and other mental problems and one committed suicide. I can't bear to let them know about my condition. I want to take care of my family but I can't even take care of myself now. They need me and my financial support. I don't know how to deal with this. There are just too many negative thoughts in my mind right now. But I know you are right. All this while I have been avoiding to take any action because I don't want to let anyone know about my condition. But it just gets worse with each day passing. I guess it's time to face it. Thanks again for sharing your experience and hope you are doing fine now.

Hi Macy.

I'm sorry you are having such a tough time right at the moment.

Something to consider, I completely understand why you want to keep your family out of this but by doing this you are likely contributing to a portion of the problem. It is very very stressful keeping this bottled up and away from your family. You will have such a sense of relief if you just open up to those who love you. You never know, someone in your family may have been down a similar road, but like you kept it hidden away. You likely have far more support out there than you think.

You do however have us here to bounce things off of. Many of us have been exactly where you are and are at various stages of recovery.

We can help, but the best help comes from those closest to you.

Cheers!
Pam

[Macy2014]

Hi Macy.

I'm sorry you are having such a tough time right at the moment.

Something to consider, I completely understand why you want to keep your family out of this but by doing this you are likely contributing to a portion of the problem. It is very very stressful keeping this bottled up and away from your family. You will have such a sense of relief if you just open up to those who love you. You never know, someone in your family may have been down a similar road, but like you kept it hidden away. You likely have far more support out there than you think.

You do however have us here to bounce things off of. Many of us have been exactly where you are and are at various stages of recovery.

We can help, but the best help comes from those closest to you.

Cheers!
Pam

Thanks, Pam. Unfortunately, one of my family members has a long history of depression, bipolar and tendency of violence. He blames the family for his illness as he is quite a selfish person. He was the major trigger of depression in another family member who later committed suicide. My family has suffered way too much which is why I couldn't risk having them feeling more depressed because of me. But my anxiety problem, I have to figure it out. I took two days off from work cause I am feeling terrible. I know I shouldn't do this. Is there really a way out?

[trinidiva]

Macy,

Hang in there. Anxiety/Depression seems to go through a period of highs and lows......we are all here for you to chat if you need to.

Srm, im so glad you are ok. I was worried about you as well.