What am I supposed to do? (poss trig)

[windsoc]

Of all the things I hate the most about depression it is that I seem to be unable to see any point in continuing through life on the basis that we are all going to die anyway.

I seem to have this overwhelming feeling a lot of the time that says "well what is the difference between five years and fifty years really?", I know that in reality this is not a good outlook but the truth is I still cannot get away from this thinking or feeling that in the end does it really matter when I die? I once heard someone say "I wish I could go into a cancer ward and take that persons cancer away, at least then the person who wishes to live does and I have a reason to feel the way I do". As self involved as this is (and I know that it is) I feel exactly the same way, it is almost like I am looking for a reason to be depressed, that if I can only find a reason not only can I accept how I am and how I behave but also that it would give me cause to end it all.

Last week I was at the end of my tether and had an appointment with my doctor. I went to him and just cracked. I just felt hopeless and told him I wanted to section myself, I really did want to do it because I wanted to have someone throw me in a room, lock the door and throw away the key so I did not have to deal with the outside world and anyone out there, who cared what anyone else may think? They could deal with it without me, I wouldn't have to worry any more.

I know this is very much self pity but I don't know what I am supposed to do, it's like I don't see a future without unhappiness and even when I try to change and remove this unhappiness it just keeps on coming back and it is starting to anger me.

[acetone]

Killing yourself isn't that easy either.

[Scdg17]

I feel the same way alot of the time. Especially lately. I wish I could give some advice but then of be a hypocrite.
All I can say is you are not alone or selfish bc of these feelings.
One thought that sort keeps me going is that there is no scientific evidence that there is life after death but everyone knows that happiness after depression is possible.

[ashy]

Well, you do have reason for the depression, a physical/psychological/mental reason. The chemistry in your brain is different and your neurons are firing differently. It causes you to feel the way that you do, just like a virus makes you feel sick. It makes part of your brain, like the emotional part work too much and other parts like logical thinking and reasoning sort of shut down or not work as well. While it's hard to see the point now, just know that it is your depression/anxiety that is making you feel that way and won't let you think/reason well. And just hold on to that truth that happiness is definitely possible after depression :). Sometimes I've felt that I'd rather feel depressed and kept looking for reasons to be, but when I am happy I realize that being happy really is better and I like it better than being depressed. I hope that helps! Don't give up!

[windsoc]

Thank you both for your responses, it does reassure me that I am not the only person (though I knew that anyway) who feels this way. It just seems like sometimes I am unsure of what I am doing or what I meant to do, what gets me the most is people who ask me things and just expect to have an answer, it's like "if I had an answer I would feel this way to begin with now would I?".

[ashy]

Thank you both for your responses, it does reassure me that I am not the only person (though I knew that anyway) who feels this way. It just seems like sometimes I am unsure of what I am doing or what I meant to do, what gets me the most is people who ask me things and just expect to have an answer, it's like "if I had an answer I would feel this way to begin with now would I?".
I know that feeling, when people don't understand no matter how you try to explain it to them :/. But it's so nice to have people on the forum to talk to who really understand and can give great advice :). And don't worry too much about trying to figure out what you are supposed to do. Everything will fall into place in time. And you know, you can make your own purpose in life, you don't have to try to figure out what it is :).