aoibheal
03-24-2014, 01:07 AM
Hi.. I am 21/female..
My problems started a few years ago when I took a job as a maid. I worked long hours but the money was great.. until one day I went to a new customer's house and he violently raped me in his basement. My parents are extremely, extremely religious and conservative and I was afraid that if I told them what happened they would be furious for me losing my virginity and my whole family would look down on me. So I said and did nothing. What happened to me was eating me alive and I wanted to tell someone... I had a boyfriend at the time who was not nearly as religious as my parents, and I finally worked up the courage to tell him. I trusted him. But instead of helping me, he became very turned on at the idea of rape and degrading me in general. He became extremely controlling. I was raped almost every night for months and I started to believe everything he said to me, "you will never have anyone as good as me" "no one else will ever love you because no one wants damaged goods" "other men find you disgusting" etc. I became severely depressed and began self harming around this point.. Finally, a year and a half later, I graduated high school and was accepted into a university. On my very first day of school, my uncle died and I had to leave immediately. My boyfriend thought I was lying so I could cheat on him and flew into a rage. I finally realized how psychotic he was and left him. I thought I had escaped...
Fast forward to 2013. I, still in a severe depression, met a new guy. We talked for several weeks and finally decided to start dating. The first date went well and I decided to see him again. The next date did not go as well. I went to his house.. He forced me to have sex with him even though i protested several times that I was on my period. He didn't even give me a chance to take my tampon out and it became stuck. It took me almost four hours to get it out afterwards. I found myself being told the same things again. "You're disgusting" "No one else will ever want you" "You won't find anyone else to love you besides me" And without even realizing it, I fell right back into the same situation I was in before. I was just used to being treated like this I guess. And it just got worse. There would be days where he would want to have sex three times, followed by weeks of not having sex at all. When we did have sex, he would cover me up because he "can't get off to ugly fat girls" and "no one wants to look at you" We moved in together and he started stealing money from me. I lost about $10,000 during our entire relationship. One day I stepped on his TV remote and broke it by accident. He flew into a psychotic rage, threw me down on the couch, and started beating me. He smashed my phone, printer, and some of my other belongings. He threw a vacuum cleaner at me. I grabbed my two cats, my car keys, and I sprinted for my life. I went to my landlord, and for the first time in my entire life, I called the police. That happened two months ago.
I never saw him again, and after a few days of being homeless, I told my dad everything that happened and dad loaned me several thousand dollars. I searched all day and found an apartment complex that would listen to my story and they moved me in immediately.
I have a home of my own, but every night I am alone here, I have severe panic attacks. I am constantly afraid that I am going to be attacked. My apartment has huge glass doors leading onto a balcony, and at night I am afraid someone is watching me. The door has a deadbolt, but still I am terrified someone is going to break in. I have nightmares about what has happened over the past five years every single night I can get sleep. A longtime friend has started spending the night here with me. When he is here I feel safe. The only time I get sleep at all is when he is here. But he lives a good drive away, and he has a place of his own, and a job, so he can't be here every night. When he isn't here, I will go days without sleeping just to avoid the nightmares.. I already have two cats but I am thinking about getting a dog because I feel so unsafe and afraid. I don't know what to do. I don't have any money left and no insurance... I don't know how I can afford a doctor or a counselor. I am leery of taking new medications because I have a heart problem (unrelated to this, I've had it since birth) and new medications often make the problem worse. I just feel stuck. I am so tired of feeling like this, I am tired of crying, I am tired of fear controlling my entire life... I don't really know why I'm posting this.. Maybe someone out there can help me...
My problems started a few years ago when I took a job as a maid. I worked long hours but the money was great.. until one day I went to a new customer's house and he violently raped me in his basement. My parents are extremely, extremely religious and conservative and I was afraid that if I told them what happened they would be furious for me losing my virginity and my whole family would look down on me. So I said and did nothing. What happened to me was eating me alive and I wanted to tell someone... I had a boyfriend at the time who was not nearly as religious as my parents, and I finally worked up the courage to tell him. I trusted him. But instead of helping me, he became very turned on at the idea of rape and degrading me in general. He became extremely controlling. I was raped almost every night for months and I started to believe everything he said to me, "you will never have anyone as good as me" "no one else will ever love you because no one wants damaged goods" "other men find you disgusting" etc. I became severely depressed and began self harming around this point.. Finally, a year and a half later, I graduated high school and was accepted into a university. On my very first day of school, my uncle died and I had to leave immediately. My boyfriend thought I was lying so I could cheat on him and flew into a rage. I finally realized how psychotic he was and left him. I thought I had escaped...
Fast forward to 2013. I, still in a severe depression, met a new guy. We talked for several weeks and finally decided to start dating. The first date went well and I decided to see him again. The next date did not go as well. I went to his house.. He forced me to have sex with him even though i protested several times that I was on my period. He didn't even give me a chance to take my tampon out and it became stuck. It took me almost four hours to get it out afterwards. I found myself being told the same things again. "You're disgusting" "No one else will ever want you" "You won't find anyone else to love you besides me" And without even realizing it, I fell right back into the same situation I was in before. I was just used to being treated like this I guess. And it just got worse. There would be days where he would want to have sex three times, followed by weeks of not having sex at all. When we did have sex, he would cover me up because he "can't get off to ugly fat girls" and "no one wants to look at you" We moved in together and he started stealing money from me. I lost about $10,000 during our entire relationship. One day I stepped on his TV remote and broke it by accident. He flew into a psychotic rage, threw me down on the couch, and started beating me. He smashed my phone, printer, and some of my other belongings. He threw a vacuum cleaner at me. I grabbed my two cats, my car keys, and I sprinted for my life. I went to my landlord, and for the first time in my entire life, I called the police. That happened two months ago.
I never saw him again, and after a few days of being homeless, I told my dad everything that happened and dad loaned me several thousand dollars. I searched all day and found an apartment complex that would listen to my story and they moved me in immediately.
I have a home of my own, but every night I am alone here, I have severe panic attacks. I am constantly afraid that I am going to be attacked. My apartment has huge glass doors leading onto a balcony, and at night I am afraid someone is watching me. The door has a deadbolt, but still I am terrified someone is going to break in. I have nightmares about what has happened over the past five years every single night I can get sleep. A longtime friend has started spending the night here with me. When he is here I feel safe. The only time I get sleep at all is when he is here. But he lives a good drive away, and he has a place of his own, and a job, so he can't be here every night. When he isn't here, I will go days without sleeping just to avoid the nightmares.. I already have two cats but I am thinking about getting a dog because I feel so unsafe and afraid. I don't know what to do. I don't have any money left and no insurance... I don't know how I can afford a doctor or a counselor. I am leery of taking new medications because I have a heart problem (unrelated to this, I've had it since birth) and new medications often make the problem worse. I just feel stuck. I am so tired of feeling like this, I am tired of crying, I am tired of fear controlling my entire life... I don't really know why I'm posting this.. Maybe someone out there can help me...