What people think

[Hannah_28]

I live in constant fear of somebody making a comment about me as I know it will send my anxiety and obsessive over analysing into overdrive. Anyone else get this? Any tips on how to deal with it?

[forgiveandforget1995]

I live in constant fear of somebody making a comment about me as I know it will send my anxiety and obsessive over analysing into overdrive. Anyone else get this? Any tips on how to deal with it?

I have this Problem myself, I know it's easier said than done, but screw what other people think of you, I've had it my whole life, people judge me because I'm a Male with long hair, I get all sorts of names, Scruffy, Hobo, Emo, Goth, Stoner etc. No matter what you do or how you present yourself, there are going to be some assholes that will criticize you for being different from everybody else. I'm trying to be stronger about it. If you worry about what others think, then they might try and annoy you more because they think you're an easy target. Just think to yourself "I don't need to worry about what other people think of me, I'm my own person and if people don't like it, tough shit" I know it's easier said than done. I would always get like this but I think I'm becoming better, and I think you will too.
Just remember words cannot hurt you!! Try your best not to overthink things too because that can make your Anxiety worse. Just try to go with the flow! Good luck :)

[Hannah_28]

It makes me not want to leave the house as there's then no risk of it happening, I try not to care, but it's like an uncontrollable reaction, I hate it.. Spend a lot of time trying to learn to like myself. Thanks for your reply, helps to know I'm not the only one.

[forgiveandforget1995]

It makes me not want to leave the house as there's then no risk of it happening, I try not to care, but it's like an uncontrollable reaction, I hate it.. Spend a lot of time trying to learn to like myself. Thanks for your reply, helps to know I'm not the only one.

Yeah I know exactly where you're coming from! It is difficult, I've been through it myself, I sometimes have days where I feel like everyone in the whole world is better than me, But I think I'm here for a reason!

It is in our heads, our minds are telling us that people are judging us which is not the case. It's just Anxiety can play with our minds a bit. You've got to try and like yourself for who you are so people will respect you more, Just don't be too negative on yourself and bring yourself down. People do have faults and nobody is perfect.

You're welcome, I agree, I thought the same, it's nice to know someone who's going through what I'm going though!

[Hannah_28]

Like u say it doesn't help when you've had negative comments from a young age. It's inevitable that this will have an ongoing affect, whether you want it to or not. I'm now able to be myself more but I still have that old familiar feeling when someone says something. Today it was literally hours ago and I'm still thinking about it now. It's a viscous circle, I know it's what had caused my anxiety and still triggers it to this day but now the fact that I have anxiety makes it worse, like I'm already set up for every fall before it happens. I hope u are still able to be yourself inspite of it all.

[forgiveandforget1995]

Like u say it doesn't help when you've had negative comments from a young age. It's inevitable that this will have an ongoing affect, whether you want it to or not. I'm now able to be myself more but I still have that old familiar feeling when someone says something. Today it was literally hours ago and I'm still thinking about it now. It's a viscous circle, I know it's what had caused my anxiety and still triggers it to this day but now the fact that I have anxiety makes it worse, like I'm already set up for every fall before it happens. I hope u are still able to be yourself inspite of it all.

I'm happy being myself, I try not to be a sheep or a follower like a lot of other people. Sorry about the jerks that have said things to you! Sometimes it's jealousy or it might be that their insecure of themselves so they try to take it out on other people. A lot of things have caused my Anxiety and Depression. The fact that I got bullied because of my Appearance and looks, and when My parents had split up a few months ago, That hit me really badly because they've been together for years and had always gotten along great. I'm 18 but I still to this day find it hard to deal with, when they split up, I started to get Panic attacks, which also made me worry because I thought "What if people know I'm having a Panic Attack and their laughing at me"

Never change who you are to please others, if you feel happy with who you, Great!! If others don't like it, then they are not important, sometimes in life you can't please everybody, You've just got to do what you feel is best for you. The negative comments we've had will have an ongoing affect until we feel more confident and positive about ourselves. I'm awfully sorry for what you're going through, try not to dwell on what others say, but focus on the good things that people say about you! :)

[Anxious Abi]

Hey.. I think I can relate, I constantly worry about what people think of me, even people that don't matter. I think sometimes I would do anything to avoid a negative comment, or ridicule.
When I was in school people would make comments about my curly hair, so I immediately saved up to buy hair straighteners and meticulously did it every day. Eventually I learnt to love my curls. I still find it hard though, especially meeting new people, I find myself analyzing everything, every glance, every whisper.
As you say, it's like you're setting yourself up for the bad before it happens, protecting yourself from the blow to your confidence.
It is extremely difficult when you've been told you're useless and worthless, and ridiculed by your peers etc, I agree.
I spend a lot of time trying to learn to like myself too, I write down all my positive qualities, achievements, I tell myself over and over that I am equal, we are all equal.
I wish there was a 'Learning to love yourself, for dummies.'

[forgiveandforget1995]

Hey.. I think I can relate, I constantly worry about what people think of me, even people that don't matter. I think sometimes I would do anything to avoid a negative comment, or ridicule.
When I was in school people would make comments about my curly hair, so I immediately saved up to buy hair straighteners and meticulously did it every day. Eventually I learnt to love my curls. I still find it hard though, especially meeting new people, I find myself analyzing everything, every glance, every whisper.
As you say, it's like you're setting yourself up for the bad before it happens, protecting yourself from the blow to your confidence.
It is extremely difficult when you've been told you're useless and worthless, and ridiculed by your peers etc, I agree.
I spend a lot of time trying to learn to like myself too, I write down all my positive qualities, achievements, I tell myself over and over that I am equal, we are all equal.
I wish there was a 'Learning to love yourself, for dummies.'

I know what you mean, I go to College and I don't really have any friends there, I'm afraid to talk to people in my personal life about my Anxiety because the last two times I did, people wanted to stop talking to me.

Some People can be asses, they'll always have a comment about how you look, talk, present yourself, If you're fat, thin, Male, Female, and then there's the people who are Homophobic and racists, Cannot stand them people! Some people just need to let people be who they want to be, and people shouldn't be judged for how they look. If they have a great personality, that's what matters too me. For instance I know a girl that looks Beautiful, but her personality is awful and people continue to bow down to her because she's good looking even though her personality is complete shit.

Yeah writing down positive qualities helps a lot because it gives you a bit of encouragement and confidence about yourself. I sometimes do find myself thinking bad things so that when it does happen, I knew what to expect. It is difficult but maintaining a positive attitude does help quite a bit in the long run, it just takes a bit of getting used too :)

[Hannah_28]

That's why I joined this forum, it's impossible to talk to people who have never had or experienced anxiety or depression. I feel like just clamming up and not trying with people, I often do when I go out in the morning but then I can help myself but try and that was what happened yesterday and it obviously backfired. I used to be very shy and awkward, I'm still awkward, but I know for a fact I've been working on the shyness and have become a lot more outgoing and can sometimes appear to be confident, I've certainly learned to be myself in the sense of how I have my hair etc, then someone made a comment about me never saying much and it just sent me careering backwards like id made no progress at all. Like I said I'm constantly worrying and thinking about how I appear to others especially when you will never really know so it's still playing on my mind now. I too did the whole changing things in my appearance due to what people said, I'm glad we can now say we have come through that to some extent. It's hard now as I'm about to go back to work which is where it happened yesterday and I'm getting all churned up worrying about how to be how to handle it how to handle myself. We all are affected by peoples opinions regardless of what some say, if we weren't wed just wear a bin liner and never get a haircut. It's all about how we appear to others. It's so hard. I wish people would just keep their opinions to themselves, they've a lot to answer for.

[kateb]

I totally understand how that feels, it is one of the biggest triggers for my anxiety. I try to read people all the time, sometimes I worry that they are upset with me because of the way they said something, even though often they are not at all! I've also struggled to deal with it when I find out people have a problem with me or don't like me - in fact I still can't deal with that really! I always am very aware of how I come across, and care a lot about it - so sometimes I'm put in a difficult position at work when I have to tell somebody no, or something. Like my boss told me to question someone's decision, and I was in this horrible position where if I said "I'm not comfortable with that" I was worried that would upset my boss, but if I questioned the other person's decision, it would upset them. I had to decide what the right thing was to do, and it was to tell my boss I wasn't comfortable with that as I wanted to maintain a good relationship with the other person. But my heart was absolutely racing and I felt like crying cos I didn't want to disappoint my boss! So I totally get that feeling.

The problem is, if we live our lives based on whether or not we are liked, we end up sacrificing a lot of what is good for us. And as already pointed out, when you are working, you often have to make a choice about who to 'side with' and inevitably someone won't like it! So we need to develop the inner strength to be able to deal with that.

I think, for me, the main revelation came when I discovered that it was ok to put myself or my wants first sometimes. I always got labelled 'selfish' as a child, so this was no easy thing to do. But something just switched where I went "I can put my needs first sometimes, and still be a good person overall". Like others have said, sometimes repeating to yourself the good things about yourself and the skills or abilities you have can really help. Like I say to myself "you are a good person, you care a lot about others, you are sensitive, you are intelligent, you can hold a good conversation, you can play piano, you look after others..." just trying to remind myself about the reasons why people SHOULD like me haha, and then if they don't that is their problem. Maybe thinking to yourself, yeah I'm over-sensitive to what people think, but I'd rather be that way than not care....like, treat it as a strength, accept that about yourself.

The other thing I sometimes say to myself is, if they don't appreciate me or if they are going to judge me and be mean to me, I don't want them to be part of my life anyway. It still hurts, but I'd rather be without them - even if I just have to cut them out entirely.

I am trying to switch from my main motivation being to make a good impression/for people to like me, to being to do the right thing/stay true to my personal beliefs.

That can sometimes give you some extra strength and conviction to withstand comments or doubts.

Learning to really value and love yourself comes with time, experience, going through tough moments. I think once you have really upset someone, and then had to deal with that, and realised that although it was tough, you survived, then you realise that the worst that can happen is that somebody gets the wrong idea about you.

That is still really horrible, I absolutely HATE it when somebody gets the wrong idea about me - but all you can do is say "you've got the wrong idea" and try to prove it, if you care enough about the person. If you don't care or if they are horrible, just think "You think what you like, because I know that you have got it wrong, and also I have other people around me who know the truth"

Hope any of that helps!xx

[bittersweetgirl]

So many great comments here.

Just a quick note to add - as far as negative things ever said to you, look at the words and consider the source. I was told I was "spoiled". This was during a breakup, and the guy was seething with jealousy toward me (a money issue). For months "you're spoiled, how dare you, you're such a brat" has been echoing in my head. Finally a therapist told me to look at the cruelty of those words - he said nothing helpful. He's a bully. His choice of insults reflects his problems, not mine.

[ashy]

Wow, there are so many great comments here that I'm not sure that's can add much. But I have always struggled with that since I was little too. It mostly came from family, but also from a lot of peers as well. I've had to learn, and I'm still learning to value myself. It's important to surround yourself with people who are supportive of you and who don't put you down. That has helped me a lot because the show you the truth of who you are. Like bittersweet girl said, try to see the source of peoples comments. A lot of people are not very sensitive to others or empathetic. Some people aren't good at seeing how their words and actions hurt others. And some people may say things out of jealousy or they are in a bad mood and the only way they think to. Make themselves feel better is to put others down. Sadly, a lot of people do that. Sometimes it's hard, because we are the type to always see good in others, but we need to realize that other people can be wrong in their actions, intentions, and words. It's hard to not care about why others think of you, but you can think to yourself, is this person saying something about me that is helpful or true? Or is this person saying it to be mean and hurtful? If it's not true base on what you know to be true about yourself, Or if they are just being mean, replace their words with what you know to be true. For example, if someone is telling you that you are selfish, you can think to yourself, I'm not selfish, I'm kind and giving and I care about others, etc. you can even talk about it with a good friend who will help you to see the truth about you and encourage you :).

[Hannah_28]

I actually did that today at work. At lunch I was sat with some friends and asked if they thought what had been said was true and they said no and although their comments of just ignore them don't really help people like us it did help to hear them say some positive things about me and clarify that it was wrong. Although I know and have been told I'm over sensitive etc I sometimes wish I could explain to people how and why, also why I can be socially awkward. I guess all of you understand how I feel and know exactly why so that again helps me to feel more comfortable in myself. I am weird but I guess I should embrace that and I am, slowly but surely.

[ashy]

I actually did that today at work. At lunch I was sat with some friends and asked if they thought what had been said was true and they said no and although their comments of just ignore them don't really help people like us it did help to hear them say some positive things about me and clarify that it was wrong. Although I know and have been told I'm over sensitive etc I sometimes wish I could explain to people how and why, also why I can be socially awkward. I guess all of you understand how I feel and know exactly why so that again helps me to feel more comfortable in myself. I am weird but I guess I should embrace that and I am, slowly but surely.
I get that a lot too, that I'm over sensitive. But I like to see it a a good thing, because that means that i am a caring person and I'd rather be over sensitive than someone who doesn't care or try to understand. It's a quality of is that other people can't understand. But it's not a bad thing at all :). Embrace that part of you!

[Hannah_28]

I want to see the good in people but I have this defence thing where I automatically go in all 'I hate people' then it doesn't matter as much if something happens as it's like I was expecting it. Being over sensitive can be the way others view it tho, whereas we know it's down to our anxiety and underlying issues... Which for the most part are down to people,

[ashy]

I want to see the good in people but I have this defence thing where I automatically go in all 'I hate people' then it doesn't matter as much if something happens as it's like I was expecting it. Being over sensitive can be the way others view it tho, whereas we know it's down to our anxiety and underlying issues... Which for the most part are down to people,
Haha, yea me too. I totally understand that. But that's ok though. You have a really good, caring heart that not a lot of people have. The fact that you still care about what others think and that you still try to see the good in them, even despite everything you've been through and the anxiety. People can be cruel, but there are people like you and I who don't want to be like them, and we aren't like them, even though they have hurt us so much.

[Hannah_28]

That's a nice way of looking at it ☺️

[ashy]

That's a nice way of looking at it ☺️
Hey, well it's true ;)

[Hannah_28]

I've often thought of it that way myself but society and people make you feel otherwise. Like I should be hard as nails and not care about anything.

[ashy]

I've often thought of it that way myself but society and people make you feel otherwise. Like I should be hard as nails and not care about anything.
That's because that is their way of dealing with things. That's not a good way of dealing with things at all. The best way is to work through them and to be kind and considerate of others. Honestly, being that way only hurts other people and creates more problems in this world and more hurt. You are dealing with life in a way that is kind to others. It's like those other people have self-confidence (or selfishness really) but they don't have kindness. You and I don't really have the self-confidence but we have kindness. Never lose that kindness. But we all could use a good boost of self-confidence and self-worth haha :)

[kateb]

Anxiety is a two-sided coin, on the one side it can be so painful for us, and cause so many detrimental effects. On the other hand, would you really want to be one of those hard, unfeeling people that just goes about their life immune to the world?

I see it as, we let the world in a bit too much, but better to be too open than too closed-in, right?

My boyfriend used to say all the time that I needed to develop a thicker skin, but I said to him "This is how I am, and actually, would you really want me to change and be a harder, less loving person?" and of course he wouldn't!

But now I'm trying to develop the ability to take all that stuff in, and accept that it will affect me, but that I have some coping mechanisms so it doesn't like, really debilitate me cos that's when it becomes harmful.

[Hannah_28]

This is sort of what I've been doing, u thought I had to become hard and not care, but I think learning to be who u are and to accept everything that comes with that is a large part of coming to terms with everything. Love the idea that we are kind of in this together and that it's an ok way to be. At least we're not boring and we have multi faceted personalities.. It's good to not always view how am and what I've become as a bad thing as I've believed that it was and I needed to change until recently.

[bittersweetgirl]

Anxiety is a two-sided coin, on the one side it can be so painful for us, and cause so many detrimental effects. On the other hand, would you really want to be one of those hard, unfeeling people that just goes about their life immune to the world?

I see it as, we let the world in a bit too much, but better to be too open than too closed-in, right?

My boyfriend used to say all the time that I needed to develop a thicker skin, but I said to him "This is how I am, and actually, would you really want me to change and be a harder, less loving person?" and of course he wouldn't!

But now I'm trying to develop the ability to take all that stuff in, and accept that it will affect me, but that I have some coping mechanisms so it doesn't like, really debilitate me cos that's when it becomes harmful.

This, exactly! I'm sensitive and thin-skinned, but it's who I am, and has many positive aspects :). What I'm working on is boundaries - maybe many other people have them naturally (or strong defenses) - I have to learn what healthy boundaries are, and then make them part of my life. And I get to keep the good parts of myself too (the sensitivity, empathy, etc.).

I saw this quote on FB today - rather applies here! "The best people possess a feeling for beauty, the courage to take risks, the discipline to tell the truth, the capacity for sacrifice. Ironically, their virtues make them vulnerable; they are often wounded, sometimes destroyed.” Ernest Hemingway

[ashy]

This, exactly! I'm sensitive and thin-skinned, but it's who I am, and has many positive aspects :). What I'm working on is boundaries - maybe many other people have them naturally (or strong defenses) - I have to learn what healthy boundaries are, and then make them part of my life. And I get to keep the good parts of myself too (the sensitivity, empathy, etc.). I saw this quote on FB today - rather applies here! "The best people possess a feeling for beauty, the courage to take risks, the discipline to tell the truth, the capacity for sacrifice. Ironically, their virtues make them vulnerable; they are often wounded, sometimes destroyed.” Ernest Hemingway
So true! Im working on boundaries too, and it helps a lot :). Can I ask what kinds of things you do to make healthy boundaries? That's a really great quote by the way :)

[Hannah_28]

Sounds like were all working on the same thing, just gonna steal that quote for my Facebook 😉

[ashy]

This is sort of what I've been doing, u thought I had to become hard and not care, but I think learning to be who u are and to accept everything that comes with that is a large part of coming to terms with everything. Love the idea that we are kind of in this together and that it's an ok way to be. At least we're not boring and we have multi faceted personalities.. It's good to not always view how am and what I've become as a bad thing as I've believed that it was and I needed to change until recently.
Exactly! You are not alone in this, and it is absolutely ok just how you are! :D

[Hannah_28]

I'm starting to believe that 😊

[kateb]

I really love that quotation bittersweetgirl and I think we should embrace this lovely wave of 'anxiety pride' haha! :D It is so nice to have supportive people on here isn't it!

[ashy]

I really love that quotation bittersweetgirl and I think we should embrace this lovely wave of 'anxiety pride' haha! :D It is so nice to have supportive people on here isn't it!
Yes yes yes!! ^_^

[Hannah_28]

Anxiety pride 😊 I like it!!

[bittersweetgirl]

So true! Im working on boundaries too, and it helps a lot :). Can I ask what kinds of things you do to make healthy boundaries? That's a really great quote by the way :)

Glad so many people like the quote! It struck a chord with me - it is basically about people like us :)

I had to start by having therapists point out the ways in which my boundaries were weak - I was/am that clueless. And now I'm learning to apply those lessons on my own. First thing I did was write down a list of personal rules about dating - I used to just go with the flow and let the guy set the pace. Now I have my rules about the pacing, the qualities that I will not accept, etc. Turns out that it's applying to friendships too - I have one friend who engages me in all this drama when her guy is ignoring her - I'm totally fine with being there for her or anyone if they show me respect - but as soon her guy calls or texts, she's happy and forgets about my existence. So tonight she's trying to engage me again - first time ever, I'm ignoring her, because I know I'll be forgotten when he calls her in half an hour, and I'll feel really hurt.

Some other things (and these are mine personally): I won't accept teasing, or at least I'll call people out on it (even just say "ouch!" or whatever - so they know), because I take it to heart. And tonight my stepfather was glaring at me because I had my phone out, while he was watching TV. Normally I feel guilty and start hating myself and getting anxious that I've upset him. It's just a phone, but my family is fiercely opposed to cell phone use, and those who use them (yeah, like almost the whole world!). This time after he continued to glare, I got up and left the room - with my phone :)

Those are smaller boundaries - but it's a start. I'm going to have to learn some that will apply to much tougher situations. I wonder if there's a book about this? I'll have to look!

[ashy]

There actually are books on boundaries, like one called boundaries in dating, one that is called boundaries with kids, umm.. I can't remember the others.. But they exist. I haven't read them but I hear they are good. I am trying to personally set up boundaries with my family, especially with my parents. They are very controlling and always put me down, humiliate me, disrespect me, and I feel really uncomfortable around them and anxious around them because I don't know when they are going to get into a rage of anger. (By the way I'm sorry about your situation with your stepdad, I understand those stupid piercing glares) luckily I have a car now and I drive to my boyfriends apartment every day. But before I didn't have a car and couldn't really go anywhere so when I was tired of them I went out for a walk to the park for a couple hours. Sometimes you have to make space away from those people who bring you down and hurt you, especially when you've tried everything to remedy it but the other person doesn't care or change. And even though they shame me for never being there, I know that it's ok, because it is what I need. It's hard when you want to please people, but if you aren't taking care of yourself, you can't really help anybody else. You know what I mean? You run out of energy for others when you don't take care of yourself first. (I actually learned that in counciling haha)

[bittersweetgirl]

There actually are books on boundaries, like one called boundaries in dating, one that is called boundaries with kids, umm.. I can't remember the others.. But they exist. I haven't read them but I hear they are good. I am trying to personally set up boundaries with my family, especially with my parents. They are very controlling and always put me down, humiliate me, disrespect me, and I feel really uncomfortable around them and anxious around them because I don't know when they are going to get into a rage of anger. (By the way I'm sorry about your situation with your stepdad, I understand those stupid piercing glares) luckily I have a car now and I drive to my boyfriends apartment every day. But before I didn't have a car and couldn't really go anywhere so when I was tired of them I went out for a walk to the park for a couple hours. Sometimes you have to make space away from those people who bring you down and hurt you, especially when you've tried everything to remedy it but the other person doesn't care or change. And even though they shame me for never being there, I know that it's ok, because it is what I need. It's hard when you want to please people, but if you aren't taking care of yourself, you can't really help anybody else. You know what I mean? You run out of energy for others when you don't take care of yourself first. (I actually learned that in counciling haha)

I'm going to look for those books!!

And yes - totally agree about needing space from those who bring us down. Like my friend... I've tried to be assertive with her, and discuss the situation - got nowhere.

We talk about that in counseling too (taking care of ourselves first). Guess we're learning! :)

[ashy]

I'm going to look for those books!! And yes - totally agree about needing space from those who bring us down. Like my friend... I've tried to be assertive with her, and discuss the situation - got nowhere. We talk about that in counseling too (taking care of ourselves first). Guess we're learning! :)
Oh the books are written by dr Henry cloud.. Yep, we sure are :) cuz we're worth it :)

[Hannah_28]

One thing anxiety has taught me is that having a relationship/dating are never going to be a good thing for me.. So I can't escape to my boyfriends house ;) I'm just lucky that I live by myself I guess 😊

[Perses]

All excellent comments. I'm extremely sensitive to what people think of me. Although, with age, comes perspective. In high school, I used to worry about what other kids thought of, for example, my musical tastes. Now, I couldn't care less. I don't really think I am on the receiving end of negative comments. But, and here's the ugly truth, I'm highly competitive, especially when it comes to academic work and teaching, so, even the slightest negative criticism can make me cringe. I guess it's timidity. For me, the trick is accepting that I'm ordinary and that's ok. Maybe that just sounds as if I'm really engaging in negative self-talk, and my therapist seems to think so, but I find it helpful to temper those high expectations.

I agree with the other posters who look at the bright side of anxiety, who see it as an indication of caring, concern, and thoughtfulness. You treat others as you would like to be treated. Sometimes, thought, I admit, I wish I were more hard-hearted, or, hmm, self-centered. Obviously, the right word is self-confident.

[Hannah_28]

I've always wished I was more heard hearted. But, even though I have got better with age, I know now that I have to accept that I never will be, and the comments here have helped me to understand that that's no bad thing.. It just depends how you look at it and at yourself. I'm finding that I now quite like the fact that I'm an eccentric and a bit weird... I used to try to fit in, now I embrace my weirdness I find that I fit in more than I ever did when trying to conform. Ironic really haha. I also don't try to hide my anxiety or awkwardness these days.. I don't shout about it but I don't pretend to be something I'm not, I think it's a bit more acceptable nowadays anyway :) i still get caught out by those unnecessary negative comments tho :/ I just have to let the feeling pass then move on, that's all u can do I guess.

[acetone]

I also get this but there is only one thing to say. Fuck their opinions.