Feel Like Everyone Hates Me...

[kileyt]

To start off, I have pretty bad social anxiety, (never tried to get diagnosed, but I can definitely feel it...) and always try my hardest to be liked by people. I think I'm a good friend, I'm always always always there to give advice, listen, and would do anything for a good majority of people who probably don't even think twice about me.

Over the past year, a lot has happened in my life, causing me to spend more and more time over at my best friend's house. I never really felt like a part of her "family" until recently, when her little sister (she's 16) started to directly talk to me and laugh with me and stuff like that. It made me feel awesome that she was warming up to me!

Me and my best friend are not "partiers" in any way. We don't post about drinking, drugs, etc. or anything of that nature on social media... We don't hang out with "the cool crowd." (Not saying anything bad against them, just trying to put our lives in perspective) We get awesome grades and blah blah blah, you can see where this is going.

My friend and I (I'm 18, she's 17) just very recently got drunk, for the first time ever, at a kickback at a friend's house. We ended up kissing two guys, which was crazy for both of us because we are NOT like that. I had only kissed two guys previously, and me and my ex dated for 3 and a half years.

Anyways, I didn't feel bad about it, (except for the kissing part, regretted that haha) because hey, let's be honest... it happens. Teenagers will be teenagers, right? I finally felt like I knew what other people in my grade were talking about.

Everyone in my grade and lower has had way way worse... not that it justifies our actions. Wanting to come clean, my friend told her little sister and her little sister's friend about that night. Her little sister is very modest about things, doesn't cuss, etc. And she just kind of "politely" laughed and didn't make eye contact during the whole thing. I started to feel really bad about the whole situation.

I had just started to feel accepted by their family (because honestly, I spend way more time there than my own house) and now I'm convinced her sister (and possibly her friend) hates me. I kept saying I'm sorry and that she hates me so much and she was just like "Oh my goshhh" and politely laughing and focusing on her work. My friend felt even worse, but she has nothing to worry about because it's her SISTER... who could never hate her.

I feel really awful. Even when I would jokingly say her sister hated me, my friend would nod and go "No really, she probably does!"

I don't want her to hate me and talk about me, because apparently she didn't like me a while back and I have no idea why... I try my best to be the nicest I can to people and it causes me so much stress to try and make sure they like me. I nearly started crying because I have lost so many friends in the past year, when I've been nothing but great to them. (again, not trying to sound conceited or anything! it's just i meet a lot of not so great friends haha)

It's gotten to the point where I'm not even really surprised anymore, it's just another person to add to my list of people who have left, I guess? Knowing that people can not like me when I try my hardest is really disheartening...

I've been especially convinced lately that everyone despises me and I'm a horrible person for doing the things I do and I just really don't want her sister to think badly of me, which I know she does... :( I'm tired of losing everyone, just when I get used to them being there.

I can never get it right it seems, no matter what I do. Am I a horrible person, is there something I should change about myself? I am under so much stress to please everyone because people fall out of my life so quickly, and I don't know what I'm doing wrong...

[ashy]

Hi kiley,
I know how you feel :(. I've lived with that feeling for a very long time, always feeling like I have to please people, especially because I'm too afraid that people will become angry with me or hate me or leave me. I try my very best but it always seems that my best is never good enough. Its really hard, I understand. But I can tell you one thing, you are doing just fine, and you are doing nothing wrong, I promise. Something that I like to say (like a mantra or something): I ain't perfect, but I am worth it :). And same goes for you. I don't think your friends sister actually hates you. Real hate takes over your life and consumes your thoughts with constant hateful anger and you constantly think about bad things towards that person, and hardly anything can distract you from it. Real hate is something that takes a drastic change of heart and mind to get rid of. I'm sure instead that she is probably upset with you and your friend, but not in a way that couldn't be mended. Have you talked to your friend about how you feel? If you feel comfortable, try telling her how much she, her sister, and her family mean to you, and about your fear of losing them and fear of them hating you/being angry with you. It's hard, and I'm still trying to work on it too, but when you start to feel nervous that someone might be upset with you or you think that someone hates you, try to take a step back and see the situation from a different perspective. For example, sometimes my boyfriend will get real quiet and act like he is annoyed or doesn't care, and I get really nervous that he doesn't want to be with me or that he is going to leave me. But what I try to do is see if there is another reason that he is acting that way, such as being tired. Or sometimes he really is upset with me, which makes me really nervous, but I try to see that he is only upset with me because he is worried about me and knows that some I my decisions aren't the best for me. Maybe that's how your friends sister feels. Don't give up, usually if you communicate how you feel, you will see that the situation is not as bad as it seems :)

[kileyt]

Hi ashy, thank you for the reply!! Means LOADS to even just know that I'm not alone in feeling that way... really sucks when it starts to take over making and maintaining relationships :(

You are right about taking a step back... sometimes I get so into the heat of the moment and begin overthinking and stressing like crazy! I start to convince myself of things that might not even be true. You sound a lot like myself too, when I was dating my boyfriend! I would constantly worry when we first started dating that he was going to leave because of me.

Really hope you're right that she doesn't truly hate me... I was kind of taken aback to learn that she didn't like me initially! I had always thought we were just strangers because we never said more than a word to each other. I'm worried that now she'll think I'm a bad influence on my best friend, which hurts a lot because we're so extremely close.

BUT I guess I need to realize that she's the only one feeling this way, we've also told her cousin who's our age, and he completely understood (and actually found it pretty funny!) He told my best friend to make sure to take care of me, which meant a lot, to learn he accepted me!!

We also all have a mutual friend, who is very religious, beautiful, kind, successful etc. but does way crazier things than us! My best friend's little sister commented on this, saying "Well she's a good person," which once again, made me feel pretty inadequate. (even though I am also pretty religious, I just don't have the confidence to be as awesome as she is!)

Anyways, let me stop rambling. I'm just panicking because I also feel like I'm losing one of my best guy friends, which is probably an exaggeration too. Guess I just need to calm down for a bit and stop jumping to conclusions!! :)

[ashy]

Hi ashy, thank you for the reply!! Means LOADS to even just know that I'm not alone in feeling that way... really sucks when it starts to take over making and maintaining relationships :( You are right about taking a step back... sometimes I get so into the heat of the moment and begin overthinking and stressing like crazy! I start to convince myself of things that might not even be true. You sound a lot like myself too, when I was dating my boyfriend! I would constantly worry when we first started dating that he was going to leave because of me. Really hope you're right that she doesn't truly hate me... I was kind of taken aback to learn that she didn't like me initially! I had always thought we were just strangers because we never said more than a word to each other. I'm worried that now she'll think I'm a bad influence on my best friend, which hurts a lot because we're so extremely close. BUT I guess I need to realize that she's the only one feeling this way, we've also told her cousin who's our age, and he completely understood (and actually found it pretty funny!) He told my best friend to make sure to take care of me, which meant a lot, to learn he accepted me!! We also all have a mutual friend, who is very religious, beautiful, kind, successful etc. but does way crazier things than us! My best friend's little sister commented on this, saying "Well she's a good person," which once again, made me feel pretty inadequate. (even though I am also pretty religious, I just don't have the confidence to be as awesome as she is!) Anyways, let me stop rambling. I'm just panicking because I also feel like I'm losing one of my best guy friends, which is probably an exaggeration too. Guess I just need to calm down for a bit and stop jumping to conclusions!! :)
I completely know what you mean! I just wish I didn't have so much fear so that I could make and have good relationships. I actually used to have panic attacks whenever I felt that my boyfriend was upset, and my mind would start racing with a million thoughts, telling me about how inadequate I was and that I was the problem. But what has helped me is to catch myself before my thoughts start to get out of control by refuting those bad thoughts about myself, about stepping back and trying to rationalize the situation, and also actually talking to my boyfriend about how I feel, even though it was really scary. But honestly, that has helped me to accept myself more, learn how to communicate my feelings, and it has made our relationship stronger. Who knows, maybe it will help you in your relationship with her as well, especially if both of you can learn to be open and honest with each other and be understanding of each other. One of the biggest reasons for the fear so because of the unknown, you don't really know if she hates you or is mad at you, and it makes you scared. But little by little you can conquer that fear, and maybe even make a stronger relationship with her :)