Todays the day

[Sassybot]

Off to see the Dr at 3pm today.

Not going to lie, I'm pretty scared. At the same time though I know it means she'll be able to help me which is good.

Had disturbing dreams last night so got maybe 3/4 hours sleep. Better than the night before with the massive chest pains.

Speaking of, am now convinced the chest pains where a panic attack. I keep getting a fluttering feeling in my chest and sometimes it gets quite achy. This seems to happen whenever I think about the Dr. Obviously, best way to stop it is to not think about it but given part of my dreams last night was being tied up on stage like Alice Cooper/at an Alice Cooper gig with everyone watching me try and escape, it's safe to say it's easier said than done.

My friend has just became head of my original department (I'm currently seconded to a different department). I told him what was going on and asked him to pass it on in less details to my current boss. Was really worried about how he'd react but I got an email asking if I was ok which is completely out of character. Feel pretty guilty for making people worry but Tim says I shouldn't and I should be happy that people care so am trying to do that- only it makes me cry :p

Does anyone know what sort of questions the Dr is going to ask? This is a bit of a worry, I don't really like the unknown especially when I'm stressed so having some sort of idea might help me chill.

x

[needtogetwell]

Hi sassy,

Glad you are seeing Doc today!

Don't worry about questions, she's not going to ask you anything you can't answer and there is no right answer to anything.

She will probably ask something like....so, what's going on with you? And that's where you unload, EVERYTHING! Be very open and honest. Even if you think you are being silly.

When this started, what symptoms you get, where it happens, how it makes you feel.

If it helps, jot down some notes for yourself so you don't forget anything. Also, be a part of the conversation, ask her what she can do to help you.

You will probably have a great sense of relief after you are done with her. You are taking a step in the right road to recovery.

Good luck today and if you feel like sharing how it went we will be here to listen.

Cheers.
Pam

[Sassybot]

It doesn't help that my mum is a bit of a pain. When I finally spoke to her about it she kept saying 'You're not coping' and 'They wont give u sick leave they'll put you on anti-depressants' and stuff. I know it doesn't sound like anything but it's the way she says it. I think she thinks she's trying to be nice. Yesterday I put on facebook about wanting to go and chill in the park and feed some ducks and she replied back with a load of jokes saying I was 'quackers' and stuff. I think she thinks it was funny but it was quiet insensitive. She's always going on about how I actually have no responsibilities or excuses for being worried but she doesn't realise that I rarely tell her anything I'm actually feeling because I know she'll be a jerk.... I actually have no idea where that rant came from, sorry...

Think I'll write a list like you said and maybe just give it to the dr. I'm probably more scared of crying in front of her that anything.

Will let you know what happens. Everyone on this site has been really nice and I think it's helped me calm down a lot, especially after the panic attack the other night. Was petrified.

[Fen667]

The doctor will help you. Don't be afraid to say and share anything. They will ask how you feel, when you feel it, where it occurs, when it occurs. Most importantly, your doctor will understand and help you. The more information you can ahare the more they'll be able to understand.
My doctor was amazing whwn i went ti him firstly with my symptoms and concerns and I ended up sharing my innermost problems with him.
The list idea id excellent....it'll make sure you don't forget anything. Its so difficult to remember everything, especially if you're a little nervous.
I get those chest pains and flutters a lot and they are typical symptoms of anxiety and panic.
Good luck and take care

[Sassybot]

I started doing a spider diagram of it all... Need a second piece of paper.

Do the pains ever go away?

Hope my Dr is nice. It can be hit and miss at my practice as it's an inner city one and they are always ran off my feet. That's why I've waited for claire as she's always been nice, even though I could have got an earlier appointment.

[Fen667]

It's good you waited for someone you're comfortable with.
In my case, the pains have eased somewhat since i knew there was nothing serious, physically, wrong. That help eased my fears. I still get them but they are not as severe as before. It's about recognising early symptoms and acting on them before they take over. I use breathing techniques, mindfullness aduio, music, walking, singing, etc. If you can catch the early signs it can be much easier.

[Sassybot]

I'm hoping this stops when I start sleeping tbh.

I've been feeling so low, it's really not like me. My confidence has virtually gone, I've convinced myself everyone is looking at me. It all just feels hopeless and I feel lost.

Work has been really nice. I was only going to leave the office in time to get to the Dr's but they are letting me go at lunch, pretty sure I look like death warmed up so that may be why.

[Sassybot]

Heading the Dr's. My bf is stuck in work and will follow me there but I'm petrified. Must not cry on the bus again

[Sassybot]

Tim managed to get to there before I had to go in.

But as I feared I got into the Dr's office and started crying. She was lovely though. Asked questions (including if I was hearing voices hehehe) and was good at listening.

She said the first thing we need to address is my lack of sleep. Got sleep meds which is ace. Then, in two weeks she wants to see me again and we'll discuss how I'm doing. She's said she thinks antidepressants are a likely option but respects my wishes that they are a last resort, especially as the tiredness distorts how I actually feel.

She did say that she thinks I need 'talking therapies' because she says the way I talk about myself, even though I try to sound joking, is unhealthy and the fact that I have no self esteem needs addressing. She was really good at getting info I'd never thought of out of me like the confidence stuff.

Unfortunately though, I've been signed off for two weeks. I panicked and then had an attack- yay. So she has also given me beta blockers (sp?) for when the symptoms come on.

Not sure what I'm to do for two weeks. I've not had more than a long weekend since I left uni 5 years ago.

Kind of feel relieved but also really frustrated that this sounds like it's going to take ages to fix.

[needtogetwell]

Tim managed to get to there before I had to go in. But as I feared I got into the Dr's office and started crying. She was lovely though. Asked questions (including if I was hearing voices hehehe) and was good at listening. She said the first thing we need to address is my lack of sleep. Got sleep meds which is ace. Then, in two weeks she wants to see me again and we'll discuss how I'm doing. She's said she thinks antidepressants are a likely option but respects my wishes that they are a last resort, especially as the tiredness distorts how I actually feel. She did say that she thinks I need 'talking therapies' because she says the way I talk about myself, even though I try to sound joking, is unhealthy and the fact that I have no self esteem needs addressing. She was really good at getting info I'd never thought of out of me like the confidence stuff. Unfortunately though, I've been signed off for two weeks. I panicked and then had an attack- yay. So she has also given me beta blockers (sp?) for when the symptoms come on. Not sure what I'm to do for two weeks. I've not had more than a long weekend since I left uni 5 years ago. Kind of feel relieved but also really frustrated that this sounds like it's going to take ages to fix.

Well done Sassy!!! See, it all turned out ok.

I'm not going to try and fool you into believing that this is going to sort it self out over night. It is not! It took you some time to get to where you are so it only makes sense that it will take a bit of time to sort out.

Think of it as make over! You are making yourself over to be your best for the rest of your life. An adventure of sorts.

I'm glad that doc has recommended some talk therapy, that will definitely get the ball rolling in the right direction. Your doc picked up on something that you did not even realize, she's a pretty intuitive lady! Go with it!

The beta blockers will help ease some of the discomfort you are feeling when an attack hits. Good choice for her.

Do however keep an open mind about antidepressants as a possibility in the future. They are very helpful and not necessarily for the rest of your life. There is no bad stigma about ADs, if that's what worries you.

As for the time off, ENJOY it. Do things just for you.

Anyway, you are on your way! Be proud and happy about what was accomplished today!

Cheers
Pam

[Fen667]

You've made a huge step in the right direction, Good for you! Sounds like you were open and honest with the doc and it's good you've got a follow up.
It will take time but stay on the road.
Counselling/talk therapies are a great help too.
Take it easy

[Sassybot]

I tried half a sleep med as Dr suggested and think I need a full one tonight. Slept but was still up and down a bit. A lie in this morning but the postman hammered on the door at 8am so have given up.

Think, as it's the day before pay day and I look terrible. I'm having a watching trash TV day. Tomorrow I'll do something I guess. Still not sure what tho

[joeyb1986]

Hi Sassybot, well done for plucking up the courage to go to the doctors, its no mean feat. Being signed off work and being on meds to stop the panic attacks sounds like a great way to go.

As for your time off, I'd say make a list of all the things you do that leave you nourished - reading, meditation, cooking, walking perhaps? We're all different - and then just stick to doing these things. Avoid anything that leaves you depleted.

You're right there is no quick fix - it will take a lot of patience but there is a light at the end of the tunnel, trust me :)

[Sassybot]

Thanks :)

I've not tried the beta blockers yet. If I'm honest I'm not sure when to take them. I told her about the huge attack I had earlier in the week and that since then I've been having aches and weird fluttering. I have the fluttering now but I'm not sure if it's too early? Not a lover of meds so guess maybe I'm just trying to put it off.

A list is a good idea. Lists got me to narrow down how I was feeling so I could tell the Dr. Thing is, I love working. I got a job straight out of uni and am still there five years later. Ok thats part of me feeling rubbish (a big part really) but I don't really know how to chill. I love reading so will go a bookstore tomorrow but as for everything else I'm not sure. I like running but whilst I'm getting odd chest feelings I'm not sure it's smart.

The plus side of this is that I have the tie to try and calm down our kitten. He's 14 weeks old and at that crazy naughty stage :)

[needtogetwell]

I tried half a sleep med as Dr suggested and think I need a full one tonight. Slept but was still up and down a bit. A lie in this morning but the postman hammered on the door at 8am so have given up. Think, as it's the day before pay day and I look terrible. I'm having a watching trash TV day. Tomorrow I'll do something I guess. Still not sure what tho

Sorry about the sleep not being better, and that darn postman! How dare he hammer on the door at 8am! Lol

I have an idea for tomorrow, how about setting up some time for you by getting your hair done or maybe a manicure? I always get a lift from doing a litter pampering for myself!

Hope you have a great day, wish I could spend the day watching trash tv!

Cheers
Pam

[Sassybot]

Am tempted to get a massage or something but i don't want them to look at me. Am booked into get hair done next friday as a birthday treat.

Tim has suggested I go diary shopping. I love diary writing but havent been doing resently as i didnt want to fill my lovely new diary with bad thoughts. Its meant to be for adventures not falling down a rabbit hole.

x

[needtogetwell]

Am tempted to get a massage or something but i don't want them to look at me. Am booked into get hair done next friday as a birthday treat. Tim has suggested I go diary shopping. I love diary writing but havent been doing resently as i didnt want to fill my lovely new diary with bad thoughts. Its meant to be for adventures not falling down a rabbit hole. x

Diary writing is great! Here's a thought, rather than one diary, two. One for your successes and one for getting down the bad stuff that swirls around in your head!

I found this to work well because it have me the chance to "let go" of the bad stuff, and look back at the good stuff when I got down. Also the success journal have me a visual of how far I've come!

Both can be useful,

Just a thought.

[Sassybot]

Thats a good idea although I think I'll just use my normal diary for that. Have found one in paperchase which as a lock. Will feel better if I know no one can read it. I dont suspect Tim but I know ppl in work have tried to read my diary before when i left it on my desk...jerks