STAGE FRIGHT

[Angel]

Hello all, long time no type....


Well, things have been going good, i got diagnosed with a panick attack with agoraphobia back in july (then Shizophrenia affective Bipolar Disorder,soon after), had to leave work kouldnt leave home, had to get therapy had to get on meds, then i started having panic attacks all day, every little noise set one off, every little different breathing pattern made me worry, i kouldnt leave my room, i always awoke in the middle of the night having one not knowing what to do, soon after that not even my own room was comfortable anymore, kause it was too closed off, so i started hanging out in my livving room..horrible........then after about being homebound for two or threee months...said what the hell,got off the meds, started going to therapy twice a week....started making musick ALL DAY,just started teaching myself guitar more, making drum n bass and experimental shit on my computer.....and ALOT of people responded to just that....it was good...then i got offers for people wanting me to join bands and what not...my confidence boosted...which of course helps you in the long run with recuperating and what not....So i joined this band...and started slowly desensitizing myself each day ,also i had the help of a certain someone in my life...both mentally and physikally.....uhh started taking kenpo karate klasses every tuesday and thursdays...So yeah im doing that and things are going really really well....and it is fucking insane considering the fucking state i was in...

Well, recently this band asked me to join them. They already have shows and what not...got one TODAY (here in san antonio) one in laredo maybe one in houston afterwards...hopes of touring texas next year then the u.s....you know my DREAM...So i joined them as a bassist, maybe as a guitarist when we find another bassist to take my place...

But today is my first show ever....its the rest of the band's like three hundreth time or something...AND I AM REALLY REALLY FUCKING NERVOUS! I woke up with a fucking worried mind and it feels like some man is trying to push out my anatomy up my throat and through my mouth...and i dont know about you, but i need as much of my own self as i need...I need to be there...but damn....i already got people going to see me, and im a damn bassist for a band and i dont know its just all hitting me at once....What the hell?

well i guess i just had to get that off my chest...umm..

you kan check us out here..

www.myspace.com/emperialmassacre (http://www.myspace.com/emperialmassacre)
www.geocities.com/emperialmassacre (http://www.geocities.com/emperialmassacre)

if your in the san antonio area we will be playing (i better) at Tykoon Flats today, $10 cover kause there will be like 18 other bands there, we go on about 8:00 or 8:30................p.s. im really nervous...

[Bridgie]

Angel, it's so good to see you again! I am so impressed on your progress. I just think it's remarkable that you went from being trapped in your living room to joining a band and performing!

Take a deep breath. Think about your music. You are living out your dream. I think its wonderful, and you will do OKAY!

***bridgie runs off to listen to the band****

:lol:

[scatmantom]

nice 1, good to see people makin progress

[Angel]

The show was fucking Exhilerating! after a song it just felt really really unreal and something that i have been waiting to do ever since i first had my dose of metal.....Great. Hmmm...just wanted to let you know...I almost turned back a few times, but i kept getting pissed kause i had kome all this way only to want to go back, go home, and be pissed bekause i didnt go...i had to keep saying that each time i tried to turn around....I had a really bad attack on the way over....but i let it pass, and got up from some stairs that i dont remember walking to at some church thing....straightened and brushed my long sleeve off and was like "Okay lets do it" Got to the show, told them i was in the band (ha the movies...) got in with no hassles, and played a pretty great show...all that worry and that anxiety and what not for...? What a great feeling...Thank you both for your responses..

[babycristy]

WOW! Thats great! When you started this post, you sounded like a nervous wreck! lol...Thats awesome that you did soo good! Thats what anxiety is all about, worrying you for NOTHING...because when you are there, it really is not that bad. The worrying is what give you panic attack in the first place.

Well, keep up the good job and keep getting better now that youve gotten so far!

[Fear]

Oh,well.That's cool your doing fine and I think it's normal to be scared to get on stage.That's so cool,you're in a band,that's awesome!
You only gotta think about one thing,if music takes your mind so much to feel in another space and if it is the thing you love the most in your live,you gotta give the 100% of you.You gotta fuckin' show your personality on stage!!!