Anxious, jealous, can't stop checking

[hopingthishelps]

I have been having huge problems in my relationship for a while. Jelousy has been huge, and I also when I drink my behaviour chages and I become angry & aggressive.
STruggling to eat or sleep and am trying as of now to stop drinking and smoking weed. which I have a problem with.
My partner has ended our relationship now, again, and i think finally.

I owned up to the checking of emails, phone calls etc, and asked that she change her login details.

She has not done this or doesn't know how .. and still find myself checking, alone, anxious as hell and feeling like I have no strength left.

I am no suicidle, I have a gorgeous 6 year old daughter, and a loving family.

I don't feel I can talk with my friends as they don't understand the depth to which I got myself into this hell..

Its being going on for over a year now and me fiancé / ex .. has tried so hard to help and forgive and move on, but I erupted again on Saturday night and also carried on Sunday, checking calls, acting on them …. I feel so low …

I am going to force myself to go and play football now as I know thats the right thing to do… I can't keep hitting the booze and I'm scared about going an alcoholic group
AJ

[NixonRulz]

Do you have a reason not to trust her?

Maybe someone else has screwed you over in the past?

It does seem a bit like you are over doing it

Especially if she hasn't done anything to warrant it

[hopingthishelps]

Thanks for both your comments ..
Forwells - I actually know that she is good person with a kind heart .. its all the issues within me that have ruined it. She gave me chance after chance.
Nixon - My ex wife was cheating on me 4 years ago, I got suspicious, turned detective and found it all out… It was awful .. At the same time I lost my business, and my business partners did the dirty also.
But I thought i had got over that huge life trauma and then I met this girl, and now my behaviour has ended it …
I am planning to get professional help.
Its just so hard right now .. i don't feel my friends can help … so i wanted to post on here.

I really appreciate your comments .. I have just ordered some food which will be the first time i have eaten in days… gonna eat and try and sleep
AJ

[NixonRulz]

Thanks for both your comments .. Forwells - I actually know that she is good person with a kind heart .. its all the issues within me that have ruined it. She gave me chance after chance. Nixon - My ex wife was cheating on me 4 years ago, I got suspicious, turned detective and found it all out… It was awful .. At the same time I lost my business, and my business partners did the dirty also. But I thought i had got over that huge life trauma and then I met this girl, and now my behaviour has ended it … I am planning to get professional help. Its just so hard right now .. i don't feel my friends can help … so i wanted to post on here. I really appreciate your comments .. I have just ordered some food which will be the first time i have eaten in days… gonna eat and try and sleep AJ

Well your actions are completely understandable, just not acceptable as you know

I get why you are suspicious. That must have sucked.

But you and I both know what one does, doesn't make everyone to be the same

You will get this sorted out. Because you know it is an issue

I hope you are able to find your way and get that girl back if that is what you want

[hopingthishelps]

Well its been a while since I posted this originally.
Since then I have had Therapy, and prescription drugs .. and still I sit here with that huge anxious pain..
My relationship has been on & off with my partner so many time now its ridiculous.
At present it is on .. But she is away in Ibiza and I have returned to 100% anxious .. unable to eat, do anything apart from watch films, or find the strength to go out ..
What I would really would like to know .. is will I be like this forever? I feel so weak and broken and damaged ..
I have a lovely daughter and a close family ... if it were not for these, I would definitely end my life ..
As I am just so sick of being crippled with anxiety and unwanted intrusive thoughts and feelings.
It really is running & ruining my life ..
I have just started to see a new therapist but I feel totally unable to control my thoughts and checking behaviours..
Its ridiculous and I feel totally lost and overwhelmed all of the time...
Any chat or questions or advice would be fully appreciated ..
I came back on here as I feel totally alone with this now ...
Andy

[jessed03]

No, it probably won't be like this forever. Anxiety and obsessive behaviour is a condition that does respond well to drugs and psychotherapy. It's a heck of a battle for some, but it's rare that you see somebody fully commit to treatment and not make progress. Five years ago I said the same things as you. I haven't really dealt with any of my obsessive behaviours at all in the last three years. There was a time when I had to leave my girlfriend in a restaurant alone on our anniversary (without money to pay the bill) just so I could satisfy one of my obsessive compulsions to check my locks. I had safety OCD at one point.

I was at rock bottom, and committed to treatment at that point. I was prepared to let everything else go in order to work on myself. I realized I had no other choice. It wasn't easy. I went through several types of meds. Some caused me to lose weight, some caused me to gain it. One made me extremely suicidal and meant I had to be watched by my family 24/7. Others didn't help me enough, so eventually I came off them. Eventually I found one that reduced my anxious and obsessive feelings by around 50%. I went into therapy and learnt a lot about myself and the human brain. I took up Eastern practices like meditation and yoga, and worked on my diet. I had a few addictions too, and I had to give them up, even though that was hard. I won't talk about that here, as that was a very personal journey.

It was a long road, I won't lie. It took years to get to a point where I felt free again. It sounds like you're very new to treatment and therapy. Keep hanging on in there.

[hopingthishelps]

Thank you Jessed for your reply. I'm glad to hear your free again for sure.
My obsessive behaviours over the last few days whilst she is away are checking Whatsapp to see when she was last online. I had texted her in the morning and although I shouldn't have expected a reply as we were signing off with love hearts..... When I could see that she was suing whatsapp throughout the afternoon but not replying to me .. the anxiety kicks in..
I can see that this is ridiculous and that I need to leave her to do as she pleases ... to set her free..
I have had probably a years worth of 2 different cognitive therapists but that didn't seem to touch the sides .. Also I was prescribed drugs that didn't help at all either..
Funnily enough I am feeling much easier right now .. I don't know why .. I made myself get out of the house and go to the shops ..
My girl tells me that she loves me .. Shes currently paying for the couples therapy that we have just started .. And she takes me back after all the trouble and pressure and embarrassing digital stalking ..
So I feel I should know that I really don't need to worry about her being unfaithful ..
Maybe just talking on this forum has made me a bit easier ....