help me anyone..

[olivia4514]

good evening, this is my first post on this forum, i just discovered it about right now, and this is probably going to be pretty long but please read it because i never felt this terrible before and I just REALLY need to get this off my chest and hopefully get some help
I dont even know where i should start but I really never felt as bad as in these past few days..the whole thing started on thursday evening, i was just browsing the web as usual and i stumbled onto this thing that really disturbed me as much as possible,probably.. so the thing i read about is called the Brain in a jar theory.. if you know you cant handle disturbing stuff just stop reading right now.. thats what i should have done right away too,but well, cant take it back now as much as I wish i could.. anyway, heres what its about: it is basically an idea that a persons brain has been somehow removed from his skull by,like some mad scientist or whatever and had been put into a jar that contains some liquid that could hypotheticaly keep it 'alive' somehow, and then 'plugged' into a 'supercomputer' that can send electric impulses to it and so the person would see,feel,smell,hear and taste as usual and wouldnt notice any difference, he would just 'live' on, have a 'normal life' and so on...and im just really terrified of this idea so much.. i keep thinking about this these past 3 days and when i say thinking i obviously do not mean just normal thinkig but terrible, anxious, overwhelming thinking..you know like what if i am just that, a brain thats being fed impulses and all the things,the people around me are just that, an impulse,fake etc..the worst is when i think about the people ,my mom,dad,grandma,sister,the whole family ,friends,love and basically all the people i ever touched or saw even only on the TV.. like what if they are not really there and they are just impulses or whatever,but not real... it may sound ridiculous to you but i almost feel like im dead insinde,almost.. even though it all is just a so called 'thought experiment' and i know its pointless to dwell on it so much,because its most probably not true, but you know how a highly anxious mind works..even the fact that there might be the slightest possibility it could be true terrifies me to the point i could barely function throughout the day, I got about 3 or 4 panic attacks i think in these 3 days.. the first one was the worst. It was right after i went to the bed the night i read it. I experienced a full-blown panic attack, my heartbeat was probably above 160 or so and i was hyperventilating and shaking and felt completely restless, i havent slept a minute..the next day i went to school and tried to get some rest durnig the lessons,which i always could but not this time.. this whole BIJ thing was stuck in my head,there was no way it would leave, i could barely even concentrate on what people were saying to me..then i went to my grandmas for lunch and told her and she told me what a bunch of cr** that whole thing is.. and i know deep inside that she is right, but i still couldnt stop dwelling on it, and she told me not to tell my momma because she is recovering from multiple mental problems so it would just worsen her state, but i just couldnt keep it inside any longer and started crying and panicking in front of her and i couldnt pretend everything is fine anymore...so she was just hugging me for a long time and telling me its nothing, you know what moms do..but i just couldt help but think that what if all that is just some fake impulse, what if its not real..and just kept crying for about 3 hours till she gave me a pill that she is taking for her anxiety. and so i took it and calmed down a little and i could go to sleep for about 6 hours, with her in the same room. the next day, yesterday, started really bad, again, right after i woke up that terrible idea just jumped in my head like on its own and wouldnt leave until i went to sleep at night (with medication) and the entire day i was crying and just kept looking for something that would prove that whole BIJ thing wrong, i was hitting and pinching myself to feel pain or just feel whatever, i kept touching everything around me and so on and telling myself that human beings could no way exist like that..that other people HAVE to be real, the people i 'percievie' can NOT be just fake impulses because that would be the most devastating thing for me.. if id ever give in to that idea i would find no meaning in living anymore and that is nearly how i feel now too. I live for the people around me,for the love and all the good feelings and even negative ones,for their presence, and i just want my beloved ones to be happy and safe.. but everything would lose meaning if they werent 'really' real...they just HAVE to be.. i hope you know what i mean.. and its on my mind constantly, i cant let it go, i know that i just pointlessly torture myself.. and its mind-boggling. I aslo read a lot of stuff about how the human organism works yesterday, to you know,find someting that would make the whole BIJ untrue. Then today, i woke up and had this anxious feeling instantly so i went to my mom to lay down next to her and that calmed me a lot actually and i had this feeling that this cant be faked by any computer, a mothers love .. and thats what i believe and know right now too, my whole life. Today went a little better than yesterday, but just a tiny bit, in most aspects..I still cried a lot, I even felt like throwning up and I also smoke 2 cigarettes just to get a little calmer,even though cigs always made me feel lightheaded and i know theyre jut not good for anxious people in general..I aslo took another pill about an hour ago and thats pretty much how this whole thing went. I have to add that about 3 years ago I had a 'period' of anxiety and phobia over the fact that we are all gonna die, and that time goes on so fast ,and like what happens after we die and if we will be with our beloved ones and so on all the possible things about these topics....but I got over it, and I mean it, i have barely even thought about those things like that before and I still dont to this day althought im still scared to a degree like most of us i guess.. and i hope that one wont come back again cause that might be the last straw.. Plus, I also have OCD and i dont mean like that teenage girl OCD, but a real one. I noticed it about 2-3 years ago, i didnt knew it was OCD back then, i didnt even gave it much attention but it grew worse.. at first i was just 'checking' stuff in my room, the office chair had to be exactly in a certain position when i wasnt using it, i could get up and 'fix' its position a thousand times till i was sure its ok..then came the constant handwashing,checking the light in the bathroom,checking if the door is locked an exact number of times when i was leaving home.. you get the point.. but then in about the beginning of february it got a lot worse than that. there came the obsessive,intrusive thoughts, really disturbing ones that just popped into my mind wheter i liked it or not,with whatever content and with an enormous amount of anxiety.also, i was obsessing over the smallest things. i almost recovered from those though, they even went away but only because an even bigger problem formed. My current one. And the way i feel right now, its an all-time low.Yet. i also constantly worry if its ever gonna go away,these thoughts about the BIJ,the anxiety,OCD, this light Depression Im probably beginning to have and if its gonna get even worse. also if i will be a junkie,if i will end up in a psych ward or someting. or maybe if i already belong there... Im also really beginning to worry about my 'light' mood swings and other stuff..I REALLY dont want to completly lose it, to just snap and have a mental breakdown (if this is not it) or something and i will never be the same again...The rational 'me' knows that the whole BIJ thing is practically impossible,its just a thought experiment, its nothing to worry about, thats what i try to tell myself, thats what others keep telling me too and i want to believe, i do ,i know i do deep inside, but still i cant help but think about it over and over and over and its pontless and there always seems to be that doubt that what if... its terrible to exist like this, constantly weeping,thinking what if all this is not real and get anxious over it so much.. and its getting harder to preform everyday stuff..and i know this wouldt have even bothered me about a year ago but maybe it does now because a lot of traumatic, bad s*** happened lately..with my ma' mostly and so on.. I am at a point where i absolutely dont know anything anymore, and its like noone even sees all the pain inside, i feel so alone even though i do get support, but i even question if those people are real so you get it..right now i dont even know if you all are really real....I poured my heart out on this thread so.. i hope someone can get me out of this mysery somehow, please someone I really need help before I go insane :(((

[Ingrid_Cerillium525]

Umm...I don't think that I'll really be of much help. I've started to wonder if I'm part of it too. What if all of our lives are lies? My advise to you:stay away from the internet.
Good luck!

[Ingrid_Cerillium525]

Oh! By the way, I completely understand the whole thing on self harm. Trust me, your not alone. I do the same thing. Apparently, when we self harm (cutting, scratching, banging, pinching, etc...) a "happy chemical" is released that makes us feel better. I looked it up. Best of luck! XD

[ashy]

Hey,
I know what it's like to be so completely overwhelmed like that, but don't worry, you aren't crazy :). Just know that it's not you, but it's that anxiety making you think like that. The intrusive thoughts and constant worry and all that, those are all symptoms of anxiety. The great thing is, you can get better and it does get better. One thing that has really helped me with my intrusive thoughts and constant worry about things that weren't necessarily logical was going to therapy. Have you tried that yet? And about that BIJ, have you ever thought that if it were really true, than dot you think that who ever was controlling that wouldn't let you figure it out or even think that way? Another thing, YOU and only YOU have control of your thoughts. They are kind of everywhere right now, but you CAN change them. You have control of your brain, you can tell your brain to lift your hand, and it does. You have the ability to resist temptations. If someone controlled your brain with BIJ, you wouldn't be able to resist I'm sure. You have a lot of support here and we're here to listen and support you :). Welcome to the forum!

[olivia4514]

thank you ashy your reply helped me already a little :) and about the therapy, well im actually going to a shrink today.. hope that'll help me.
btw Ingrid_Cerillium525 i do not enjoy cutting myself :D .. well not that much ... i was just triyng to check if im real somehow... because today its really bad again, just thinking noone is here makes me throw up..
anyway thanks for all your support , and please if you think you can help even just a little then reply more :( :)

[ashy]

Hey,
Hopefully everything goes well with the shrink ;). When ever those thoughts come to you, don't dwell on them. Acknowledge that they are there, say hi, and move on to another thought. Try not to sit and think about it because it will make you worry more. And if you need to, whenever the thoughts come, tell that thought something true that you know that contradicts the thought, you don't have to battle the thought, but just day one or two things, know that it is the anxiety, and then distract yourself and think about something else. I really hope that helps! :) I'm here whenever you want to talk :)

[olivia4514]

so i visited the psychiatrist today but unfortunately, she is not for my age group :rolleyes: .. like those few months could make that much of a difference....she told me go to another one which is like 20 miles away from here ,but she also said its acute so i hope it wont take that long to get to her. she also officialy diagnosed me with an anxiety disorder, though she cant really sort it out yet. so i guess all the stuff about all the people not being real is just a symptom, i really want and need to believe that. i mean you cant live thinking nothing around you is real, right? but yet, it just wont seem to leave,that idea, like whenever i try to think 'away' from those terrible thoughts its just still there in the back of my head and tries to 'climb' to the top and take over my entire consciousness and its always succesful. so there are no positive moments,really,maybe just a second sometimes.. i wish i could just have a memory eraser to erase these past 4 days and that thing i read :D i never would have thought such a stupid thing could affect me this badly.. well meanwhile im just going to try what youre telling me to do, ashy,and thanks for the advice and support :)

[ashy]

Well that's kind of silly, I never heard of having to go to a psychiatrist for your age group. How old are you, can I ask? And it's been only four days and thy kind of thought can really take it's toll on your thinking, especially when you have anxiety :/. Well, with time I'm sure it will diminish. Just don't look further into it or purposefully think about it. Just every time keep practicing confronting it when I comes up by saying something true, such as whenever the thought that nothing is real comes up, look at it in the face and say I am real, this world is real, give examples of why, and remember that it is your anxiety making you think that way. And then ignore it and move on :). Sometimes anxiety is like a bully and you have to stand up to it for it to leave you alone. Hold on to the hope that it's going to get better, cuz it will :). I really hope this other psychiatrist can help! Best of luck! :)

[olivia4514]

im 17 and id have to be 18 to go to her for therapy, really stupid. it kinda pisses me off but on the other hand its good to finally feel some other emotions than grief and hopelessness. :D im also beginning to feel more and more concerned that this is all caused by anxiety, those thoughts.. but when they are constantly on my mind its pretty difficult not to look further into them :/ i also always keep 'searching' for things that would somehow prove it wrong and when i do find one i just cant make myself believe it..although i do know that it cant possibly be true, but the doc said it got sorta 'fixed' on my mind so i cant deal with it myself. im glad i found that much support though, here and in other places too.

[ashy]

Well, i think searching it, even things to prove bit wrong, will just kind of make it stay fixed in your mind. I'm not saying to ignore it, but maybe it would be good to work through it with the therapist and then all of the other times just to distract yourself as best you can, rather than constantly trying to make it go away/get better. I did the same kind of thing, always trying to make the bad intrusive thoughts go away and I spent too much time and effort on it and it just kept coming up again. Sometimes, I just have to yell at the thoughts to shut up and then blast some loud music to take my mind of of it. But it's ok everything that you are feeling, don't ever think that you shouldn't feel or think that way. Those thoughts are not yours, and they will go away :)

[olivia4514]

I am afraid that maybe I will stay like this forever.. that there will always be this feeling and thought that noone is here,even when I talk to people and hug them and I feel so alone all the time. What if I would only get rid of it if I find something that would persuade me, but I wont find anything and I will go crazy. And I feel like noone really understands how i really think and feel. Like noone even had this kind of thought. Its the worst possible thing I can think of too. I dont even know how to explain it. Right now I feel really hopeless and sad and scared and nothing helps me to make it go away. its like having a bad moment all of the time. Im sorry for bothering you so much by the way :(

[ashy]

Hey Olivia,
I want you to know that you don't bother me at all :). I actually really look forward to your replies and to see how you are doing, and it makes me really happy to help :). I'm sorry that you're going through such a rough time right now :(. You're not alone. It's actually really common to have intrusive thoughts like that. I wish I could be there to just give you a hug and tell you that everything will be ok! I know how you feel, honestly about feeling alone and hopeless. Sometimes the only thing that helps in those moments is to just really distract yourself. Do you like to watch movies? Or does listening to music help? What kinds of stuff do you like to do? I really like to watch movies, and maybe I'm a nerd or something, but I like to watch anime shows haha. What's something that you are passionate about? I really love learning languages, drawing, dogs, and watching movies. Maybe you can go for a little walk and just pay attention to all the little things around you. Try to focus on the present. Do you like yoga or meditation? Yoga really helps me an makes me feel good. And if you just want to talk about whatever, I'm here for that :)

[mellymel]

I'm struggling with the same thoughts, only mine stemmed from more of a random philosophical thought about my existence. I keep wondering if my life is real and all my experiences yada yada. Last week this time I was crying on and off and wondering if my husband consoling me was all in my head. The more I thought about it the worse it got. Anyway, I still can't stop thinking about it at random times but the reaction I had to those thoughts has calmed down, making them a bit easier to let go. These thoughts will pass for you, and you will probably fixate on something else if you are anything like me. Even as I type this I think what if this is all in my imagination. My personal advice would be to just let yourself think the thoughts until you get tired of them. Or gently shift your thought to something else. It will ease up. And hey, even if all this shit was fake, would it matter? There is a famous quote from Descartes, I think therefor I am. If your are thinking and doubting, you are present. I hope you find comfort in that because I know exactly what you are going through.

[olivia4514]

Finally someone who kinda knows what it's like. I've been crying on and off too wondering if people are real. Although for me these thoughts NEVER go away no matter how much I want it . Even if they get a little 'calmer' they're still there somehow in the back of my head. It's like I don't even have my own thoughts anymore. And it's like I still can't believe it when I say they're not real, or when other people tell me. It's driving me crazy...
Today was a little better though. I spent the entire day with someone really positive and cheerful and it helped me a lot. She won't get rid of me so easily now :D But I just can't keep wondering if these people are real all the time even if I know it's impossible for them not to be...the whole thing is just ludicrous, absurd. But still. Anyways, today we called this other shrink and she gave me an appointment for the 4th of April which is kinda far from now. Please tell me I can get by til then..
As I wrote, today was pretty good compared to the previous few days. I even went jogging and was kinda able to enjoy music again. I haven't cried either,maybe a few tears in the morning,which is always the worst. On the other hand I ligted 2 cigs again and I took some pills too.
Tomorrow I'll have to go to school and I don't know if I can handle it. Hopefully they won't lock me up in a psych in the end...

[ashy]

I'm glad that today was a little better and calmer :). Hopefully the 4th of April will come around really fast for you. Definitely hang around positive people, that helps. Maybe you could talk to the school councilor a little bit about what you are going through and maybe she can give you some advice and help you get through it. If it's too much, it's ok to say so. The best of luck for you, especially when you go back to school!

[olivia4514]

Hey, thank you for keeping the spirit in me. Today is a terrbile day again. I think it's some kind of a relapse day for me.
The phyisical symptoms don't bother as much as the ones inside me. I feel like losing it. I'm so scared I will never be me again, that I will forever be like this. But this is not me, right? They say that the content of these thoughts doesn't matter but I think this one might be different. It's really absurd though right? I'm trying to tell myself that this is all temporary, that it will go away eventually, and it's really absurd and I just obsess over it because of the OCD and anxiety, but I just don't know anymore. It's getting harder to just form rational,normal thougts and words, and also this reply. I went to school too, but we weren't learning today because the seniors are having final exams. We went to the cinema for Need for Speed. It's that kind of a movie that I would usually find entertaining, that would usually take my mind off anything. But I noticed that them thoughts were always with me. But at least I know what the movie is about, so I wasn't completely zoned out I guess. I wasn't able to enjoy it though. I'm not able to enjoy anything in fact. It's very difficult to describe what's going on inside my head right now. I need to know that this is all just for the moment, that this is not me. I wish i could at least have a moment of relief, just a minute at least. But it never comes...I also completely relapsed on cigarettes today. I bought my own pack so I don't have to beg my momma for them. I guess I'm trying to find some relief in them or something. And I know they say that it's not the answer but I don't really care anymore. I'd rather have all my bones broken than going through this, I swear.
I also decided that I won't take pills today for sleep so I won't get hooked. I'm just going to try some herbal tea and vitamins. I wish there was a pill to make these thougts go away, I wouldn't even mind getting hooked as long as I wouldn't know why I'm taking them. I would take any other thought, but not this...This whole thing isn't doing good to my family either, my mom (she has anxiety,OCD and depression) and grandma (weak heart,diabetes) especially. Today I even found myself blaming this on them, even though this isn't anyone's fault but my own. I thought hey,if my mom wouldnt constantly telling me about how unreal she feels i wouldnt stop on a post about feeling unreal and wouldnt stumble onto a comment bout the BIJ and looked it up, I could have just dealt with my previous intrusive thoughts that were getting better btw. But it's NOT her fault but mine. I know it.
And sorry for writing the same s*** all over by the way. Thanks for always reading it and helping me and please, keep replying :( :)

[olivia4514]

hi, please someone reply, i'm really losing my shit again..

[NixonRulz]

hi, please someone reply, i'm really losing my shit again..

I'm sorry that I just saw this post, Olivia

So many new threads bumps things down quick and not visible on my iPad.

Do you take or are you willing to take a benzo?

That will slow your mind down and help curb those thoughts

Those thoughts keep coming because now you fear they may be real

So they get worse

I had such crazy thoughts and I swore I was the only one that had them as bizarre as I did

But I was wrong.

Your thoughts are no worse or no more real than anyone else that has them

Just slow down. Get your mind calmed a bit any way you know how

Once you calm, they will let up

When that happens you will realize that you do have the capability to get those thoughts and all other symptoms to stop

[mellymel]

I'm sorry that I just saw this post, Olivia So many new threads bumps things down quick and not visible on my iPad. Do you take or are you willing to take a benzo? That will slow your mind down and help curb those thoughts Those thoughts keep coming because now you fear they may be real So they get worse I had such crazy thoughts and I swore I was the only one that had them as bizarre as I did But I was wrong. Your thoughts are no worse or no more real than anyone else that has them Just slow down. Get your mind calmed a bit any way you know how Once you calm, they will let up When that happens you will realize that you do have the capability to get those thoughts and all other symptoms to stop


This is so very true! Take this advice Olivia :)

[ashy]

Hey Olivia, how are you doing today? I want you to know that the anxiety, the thoughts, and all of that, while it is not your families fault, it is NOT your fault either. It's nobody's fault really, sometimes anxiety just happens and it's out of your control of getting it or not, just like getting sick. I looked up that BIJ and read a lot about it, and you came across a philosophical thought experiment used by skeptics (a type of philosophy that thinks in terms that you cannot prove that anything exists) philosophy is never meant to be taken as the truth of reality, but it is mostly asking, what ifs, and it's basically a game of logic. Most philosophers disregard BIJ because it has no real grounds in reality. The BIJ hypothesis cannot be proven or disproven, it's like trying to find the beginning and the end of a circle. Kind of like, which came first, the chicken or the egg? But, besides all of that, something that has really helped me and I think will help you too is that we need to take control of our thoughts, and we HAVE the ability to change them. The reason why it is so hard is because your brain has created a strong neuro connection that fires often because of the fear (or fight or flight part of our brain that helps us to survive). In other words, little things that remind us of that fear makes us go back to what is familiar (your fear) and we get more anxious and fearful. (I don't know if that makes sense, it's hard for me to think straight or coherently sometimes cuz of stress/anxiety I think) But, even though I also wish there was just a pill or something to make it all go away, there isn't really, and it takes a lot of work to get better. But it takes baby steps. Even if it's hard to believe in the moment, just try to remind yourself of the truth, and tell yourself that it's not true. Tell those thoughts NO, and stop them before the add up more and more. You have to take control, because you're the only one that can change them. It's hard at first, but with persistence and patience, you can make it a lot more calm in your head :)

[ashy]

And if it helps, you can try breathing exercises, focusing on your breathing and deep breathing. You can try meditation if that helps, taking a warm bath, drinking herbal tea, stuff like that. 2 more weeks and you'll see the therapist, and hopefully she can help you a lot. And remember, even though it's not absolutely not your fault at all, it's going to take persistence and patience in order to overcome it. You need to take baby steps in stopping and changing your thoughts, because only you can change them. You DO have control of your own brain and your own thoughts. You can do it, and we are here to support you through it all :)

[olivia4514]

Hey, thank you all for your replies, they are very helpful.
Yesterday I went to my 'regular' doc and she managed to make me and appointment for today for another psychologist. So I went and he sucked, just as I thought he would. But he gave me some meds, i took a half while still there about 6 hours ago and I guess they're helping. I finally feel like me again now, after all this time that felt like an eternity. I don't know if there's benzo in them, i guess yeah, but this last week i was basically popping my moms pills, which contained benzo and all they did was make me feel good physically but the thoughts kept running in my head in a circle the same shit all day on repeat( my OCD isnt exactly helping in this situation either). Now, even the thoughts went, for about 20 minutes ( yeah, babysteps..) bit I'm still not fine. I just didn't get how such a bullshit thing could linger on my mind for so long and have such and impact. But what ashy wrote about this makes sense. You know, before I was always able to read all this sick mind-boggling philosophical stuff and watch and enjoy the sickest horrors and then just shrug it off the next moment. It's like I went from that to this in one fucking moment.
I'm officialy a smoker too, again. I promised myself that I wouldn't light another cig anymore, but I relapsed big-time. I smoke more than ever. It's like I lost all my resilience totally. And as I said I was able to stomach a lot. Now I'm barely getting by with meds and cigs. And I need help because I'm not able to fix this on my own anymore. Sometimes I feel like I'll never find it, must be because of my current state-hopefully. I'm all negative and pessimistic now and I know that. But I can't help it.
Lately I also noticed that whenever anyone walks by or whenever I just see anyone I try to imagine what it's like to be them. Like looking through they're eyes. Literally. And I know that's because of the thought that no one is real, this goddamnd thought just took over, even though i know it's bullshit. No one of you probably experienced this ,but is it normal in my situation? Sometimes I'm afraid that I might have some worse disorder because of this. I feel like such a crazy bitch.
I was thinking what could have caused this and maybe genes play a role among other things. Also, I thought maybe it all built up inside me, the bad things. 2013 wasn't really my year. My momma was hospitalized for about 3 months in total so I was basically all on my own. I also saw her suffer a lot and saw her do traumatic things. As in traumatic for me. And so on. And I felt like something was up with me since february, but I could deal with it on my own, but then I read this thing that triggered this enormous anxiety and all hells broke loose in just a moment. My entire world crushed, and I know this is inflated but it feels like that to me, still.
And I was thinking why that, the worst thing I can imagine. And that must be why, because its the worst thing I can imagine. I was always scared of being alone and in the dark and that's exactly what this thing means. I always lived for the other people, wanted to just make the ones I love happy and just in general help those in need. But that would be for nothing if that absurd thought was true. Because they would not be here, have their own mind and be happy. And that is making me terrified. And my anxiety knows this and completely ignores the fact that the the whole thing is absurd and ridiculous. And it wants to make me believe it's true but it's not because it's just completely absurd. And I just keep giving in because there's no more energy in me to resist it. Is this any close to the truth actually? Also, is there a point where there is no getting up from, like a rock bottom but you can never get go up?
All I want is just go back to the old me and be able to hang with my fellas like before and watch movies and spend time with my family and have bf time without all this bullshit. I feel like I'm drifting from them so far away. I feel isolated .And I hate feeling like this, lonely,hopeless,cofused and anxious. And feeling like this just makes me even more depressed. And they keep asking me what happened to me and why do I even obsess over shit like this when its obviously bullshit and I just tell them I don't know. And thats the truth but I tell them to imagine what its like to be scared of completely absurd things and not knowing why.
I hope you understand what I wrote, I know it's difficult to get me now. The doctor, I he didnt understood a thing either. He just asked me a bunch of stupid, irrelevant shit and completely ignored my real problem. He probably just assumed I'm just another sick kid and gave me meds. Fuck no! I'm an actual peron and he didnt do a damn thing to understand me. Guess its the easiest to just do it all half-assed and prescribe meds instead of actually hearing people out and helping them. But well theres no wonder no one understands me, when i dont even really understand myself anymore. I'm all irrational.
No one told me the things you wrote in here you guys and they are helping me a lot and make way more sense than any doc or any one of that matter. I cant even stress enough how thankful i am. :)

[ashy]

Hey, thank you all for your replies, they are very helpful. Yesterday I went to my 'regular' doc and she managed to make me and appointment for today for another psychologist. So I went and he sucked, just as I thought he would. But he gave me some meds, i took a half while still there about 6 hours ago and I guess they're helping. I finally feel like me again now, after all this time that felt like an eternity. I don't know if there's benzo in them, i guess yeah, but this last week i was basically popping my moms pills, which contained benzo and all they did was make me feel good physically but the thoughts kept running in my head in a circle the same shit all day on repeat( my OCD isnt exactly helping in this situation either). Now, even the thoughts went, for about 20 minutes ( yeah, babysteps..) bit I'm still not fine. I just didn't get how such a bullshit thing could linger on my mind for so long and have such and impact. But what ashy wrote about this makes sense. You know, before I was always able to read all this sick mind-boggling philosophical stuff and watch and enjoy the sickest horrors and then just shrug it off the next moment. It's like I went from that to this in one fucking moment. I'm officialy a smoker too, again. I promised myself that I wouldn't light another cig anymore, but I relapsed big-time. I smoke more than ever. It's like I lost all my resilience totally. And as I said I was able to stomach a lot. Now I'm barely getting by with meds and cigs. And I need help because I'm not able to fix this on my own anymore. Sometimes I feel like I'll never find it, must be because of my current state-hopefully. I'm all negative and pessimistic now and I know that. But I can't help it. Lately I also noticed that whenever anyone walks by or whenever I just see anyone I try to imagine what it's like to be them. Like looking through they're eyes. Literally. And I know that's because of the thought that no one is real, this goddamnd thought just took over, even though i know it's bullshit. No one of you probably experienced this ,but is it normal in my situation? Sometimes I'm afraid that I might have some worse disorder because of this. I feel like such a crazy bitch. I was thinking what could have caused this and maybe genes play a role among other things. Also, I thought maybe it all built up inside me, the bad things. 2013 wasn't really my year. My momma was hospitalized for about 3 months in total so I was basically all on my own. I also saw her suffer a lot and saw her do traumatic things. As in traumatic for me. And so on. And I felt like something was up with me since february, but I could deal with it on my own, but then I read this thing that triggered this enormous anxiety and all hells broke loose in just a moment. My entire world crushed, and I know this is inflated but it feels like that to me, still. And I was thinking why that, the worst thing I can imagine. And that must be why, because its the worst thing I can imagine. I was always scared of being alone and in the dark and that's exactly what this thing means. I always lived for the other people, wanted to just make the ones I love happy and just in general help those in need. But that would be for nothing if that absurd thought was true. Because they would not be here, have their own mind and be happy. And that is making me terrified. And my anxiety knows this and completely ignores the fact that the the whole thing is absurd and ridiculous. And it wants to make me believe it's true but it's not because it's just completely absurd. And I just keep giving in because there's no more energy in me to resist it. Is this any close to the truth actually? Also, is there a point where there is no getting up from, like a rock bottom but you can never get go up? All I want is just go back to the old me and be able to hang with my fellas like before and watch movies and spend time with my family and have bf time without all this bullshit. I feel like I'm drifting from them so far away. I feel isolated .And I hate feeling like this, lonely,hopeless,cofused and anxious. And feeling like this just makes me even more depressed. And they keep asking me what happened to me and why do I even obsess over shit like this when its obviously bullshit and I just tell them I don't know. And thats the truth but I tell them to imagine what its like to be scared of completely absurd things and not knowing why. I hope you understand what I wrote, I know it's difficult to get me now. The doctor, I he didnt understood a thing either. He just asked me a bunch of stupid, irrelevant shit and completely ignored my real problem. He probably just assumed I'm just another sick kid and gave me meds. Fuck no! I'm an actual peron and he didnt do a damn thing to understand me. Guess its the easiest to just do it all half-assed and prescribe meds instead of actually hearing people out and helping them. But well theres no wonder no one understands me, when i dont even really understand myself anymore. I'm all irrational. No one told me the things you wrote in here you guys and they are helping me a lot and make way more sense than any doc or any one of that matter. I cant even stress enough how thankful i am. :)
Hey, I'm glad that you are starting to feel a little bit better, and relapses are normal, for anxiety, for smoking, or whatever. That's just a part of the process. But it's ok to have relapses, because it means that you are working on it :). Most people, if they haven't experienced anxiety themselves, can't really understand what it's like. But I'll tell you one thing that is for sure, what you are going through is normal, and you are NOT going crazy even though it feels like it. Everything that you are feeling, every thought that you are thinking and how it all effect you IS NORMAL. Anxiety really takes it's toll on you, your mind, and your energy. Why did the psychologist suck? I'm just curious. Hopefully the mess will help. Usually the mess take a few weeks to really start working. You have been through a lot, and it is completely understandable why it all built up and caused anxiety. Everything that you feel is valid, understandable, normal, and you are not being irrational by feeling that way. Just like if you had a broken leg it is understandable if you can't run or walk, everything that you are dealing with is understandable due to anxiety, OCD and everything that has happened in your life. It's going to take time for you to start feeling like the old you again, there's nothing that will make it go away or get better right away, but have patience and you will get there :)

[NixonRulz]

Hey, thank you all for your replies, they are very helpful. Yesterday I went to my 'regular' doc and she managed to make me and appointment for today for another psychologist. So I went and he sucked, just as I thought he would. But he gave me some meds, i took a half while still there about 6 hours ago and I guess they're helping. I finally feel like me again now, after all this time that felt like an eternity. I don't know if there's benzo in them, i guess yeah, but this last week i was basically popping my moms pills, which contained benzo and all they did was make me feel good physically but the thoughts kept running in my head in a circle the same shit all day on repeat( my OCD isnt exactly helping in this situation either). Now, even the thoughts went, for about 20 minutes ( yeah, babysteps..) bit I'm still not fine. I just didn't get how such a bullshit thing could linger on my mind for so long and have such and impact. But what ashy wrote about this makes sense. You know, before I was always able to read all this sick mind-boggling philosophical stuff and watch and enjoy the sickest horrors and then just shrug it off the next moment. It's like I went from that to this in one fucking moment. I'm officialy a smoker too, again. I promised myself that I wouldn't light another cig anymore, but I relapsed big-time. I smoke more than ever. It's like I lost all my resilience totally. And as I said I was able to stomach a lot. Now I'm barely getting by with meds and cigs. And I need help because I'm not able to fix this on my own anymore. Sometimes I feel like I'll never find it, must be because of my current state-hopefully. I'm all negative and pessimistic now and I know that. But I can't help it. Lately I also noticed that whenever anyone walks by or whenever I just see anyone I try to imagine what it's like to be them. Like looking through they're eyes. Literally. And I know that's because of the thought that no one is real, this goddamnd thought just took over, even though i know it's bullshit. No one of you probably experienced this ,but is it normal in my situation? Sometimes I'm afraid that I might have some worse disorder because of this. I feel like such a crazy bitch. I was thinking what could have caused this and maybe genes play a role among other things. Also, I thought maybe it all built up inside me, the bad things. 2013 wasn't really my year. My momma was hospitalized for about 3 months in total so I was basically all on my own. I also saw her suffer a lot and saw her do traumatic things. As in traumatic for me. And so on. And I felt like something was up with me since february, but I could deal with it on my own, but then I read this thing that triggered this enormous anxiety and all hells broke loose in just a moment. My entire world crushed, and I know this is inflated but it feels like that to me, still. And I was thinking why that, the worst thing I can imagine. And that must be why, because its the worst thing I can imagine. I was always scared of being alone and in the dark and that's exactly what this thing means. I always lived for the other people, wanted to just make the ones I love happy and just in general help those in need. But that would be for nothing if that absurd thought was true. Because they would not be here, have their own mind and be happy. And that is making me terrified. And my anxiety knows this and completely ignores the fact that the the whole thing is absurd and ridiculous. And it wants to make me believe it's true but it's not because it's just completely absurd. And I just keep giving in because there's no more energy in me to resist it. Is this any close to the truth actually? Also, is there a point where there is no getting up from, like a rock bottom but you can never get go up? All I want is just go back to the old me and be able to hang with my fellas like before and watch movies and spend time with my family and have bf time without all this bullshit. I feel like I'm drifting from them so far away. I feel isolated .And I hate feeling like this, lonely,hopeless,cofused and anxious. And feeling like this just makes me even more depressed. And they keep asking me what happened to me and why do I even obsess over shit like this when its obviously bullshit and I just tell them I don't know. And thats the truth but I tell them to imagine what its like to be scared of completely absurd things and not knowing why. I hope you understand what I wrote, I know it's difficult to get me now. The doctor, I he didnt understood a thing either. He just asked me a bunch of stupid, irrelevant shit and completely ignored my real problem. He probably just assumed I'm just another sick kid and gave me meds. Fuck no! I'm an actual peron and he didnt do a damn thing to understand me. Guess its the easiest to just do it all half-assed and prescribe meds instead of actually hearing people out and helping them. But well theres no wonder no one understands me, when i dont even really understand myself anymore. I'm all irrational. No one told me the things you wrote in here you guys and they are helping me a lot and make way more sense than any doc or any one of that matter. I cant even stress enough how thankful i am. :)

That was a long read. Lots of info

If you would have just wrote " I have a anxiety disorder" , I would have assumed that everything you wrote is taking place

As I and others have said, you are not any worse off than most here. You just have it in your head that your case has to be worse

But it's not. Stupid thoughts, questioning everything, worrying asking what if questions are all just normal symptoms

And regarding the regular doc, they can't do much more than prescribe meds for anxiety. They have not a clue about the mind part of it to help

Your Psych sucked. Just like the 3 I went to. Waste of time before I just decided to go at it alone

But I know there are some good ones out there if you look around

This stops. Just doesn't seem like it ever could

No pressure on yourself for why it happened and when will you feel better

Pressure = Stress = Anxiety

Be well

[olivia4514]

Oh, well sorry for all the info but I need to get it off my chest somwhere, somehow, beacuse if I'd keep tellin' anyone else about it they would probably assume i went tottaly crazy . I do assume that too about myself by the way. And right now I'm calm and I still think I'm totally nuts. I'm not assuming my case is the worst, I just assume it's really bad. And it is. I can't keep going with my life thinking what if people around me aren't real. Even ya'll on this forum, I just don't know anymore. I don't know what's wrong with me.
Anyways, my day went kinda bad. I spent it with my dad, stepma' and sis and they don't know anything about this new situation of mine and I'm not planning to tell them ever. I don't need any more people think I'm insane and feel sorry for me I guess. I probably dodged an enormous panic attack only because of all the meds and nicotine in me. I'm not able to process the whole thing about the BIJ, still. I got extremely depressed when my little sis looked sad at me and asked why I'm leaving so early or when my dad kept asking why am I so quiet all the time, frustrated. I wish my brain was just able to label the whole BIJ thing as bullshit and keep going but nah, fuck what I want right? I can't stomach the thought they may not be real or how I hurt them so much when I act and think like this. Maybe it really is just the anxiety taking the worst possible place, but I feel like growing farther and farther from every single person in my life. Or from reality, and maybe I can say bye bye to the old me for good, if i'm never going to be able to get out of this.
Btw the doc I was talking about, the one who asked all the stupid shit and prescribed me meds and gave a fuck about the actual problem is the one I went to , the psych ,that's why he sucked. He had no clue about the mind part either I guess. It's like no one does really, I may be in this all alone. Even though I know I can't get out of it on my own so hopefully I'll get the help I need in time or whatever.
I also can't actually put sentences together like I used to. I talk a lot of shit that doesn't make sense, like saying tomorrow instead of yesterday. Or it's taking me time to find the word I'm looking for. What am I supposed to do with myself? and will I ever know people are real for sure?

[ashy]

Oh, well sorry for all the info but I need to get it off my chest somwhere, somehow, beacuse if I'd keep tellin' anyone else about it they would probably assume i went tottaly crazy . I do assume that too about myself by the way. And right now I'm calm and I still think I'm totally nuts. I'm not assuming my case is the worst, I just assume it's really bad. And it is. I can't keep going with my life thinking what if people around me aren't real. Even ya'll on this forum, I just don't know anymore. I don't know what's wrong with me. Anyways, my day went kinda bad. I spent it with my dad, stepma' and sis and they don't know anything about this new situation of mine and I'm not planning to tell them ever. I don't need any more people think I'm insane and feel sorry for me I guess. I probably dodged an enormous panic attack only because of all the meds and nicotine in me. I'm not able to process the whole thing about the BIJ, still. I got extremely depressed when my little sis looked sad at me and asked why I'm leaving so early or when my dad kept asking why am I so quiet all the time, frustrated. I wish my brain was just able to label the whole BIJ thing as bullshit and keep going but nah, fuck what I want right? I can't stomach the thought they may not be real or how I hurt them so much when I act and think like this. Maybe it really is just the anxiety taking the worst possible place, but I feel like growing farther and farther from every single person in my life. Or from reality, and maybe I can say bye bye to the old me for good, if i'm never going to be able to get out of this. Btw the doc I was talking about, the one who asked all the stupid shit and prescribed me meds and gave a fuck about the actual problem is the one I went to , the psych ,that's why he sucked. He had no clue about the mind part either I guess. It's like no one does really, I may be in this all alone. Even though I know I can't get out of it on my own so hopefully I'll get the help I need in time or whatever. I also can't actually put sentences together like I used to. I talk a lot of shit that doesn't make sense, like saying tomorrow instead of yesterday. Or it's taking me time to find the word I'm looking for. What am I supposed to do with myself? and will I ever know people are real for sure?
Hi!! I'm sorry today was kind of a bad day, but I'm glad the meds are helping a little :) you are definitely not alone in this! Maybe some people won't understand, but I do ^_^! Do you still have the appointment with the other therapist? Hopefully the other one will be better. Don't give up just cuz the first one sucked. This anxiety isn't something you can really gut, and if you try to, it's just going to keep coming back. Anxiety is something that you have to confront and work through. Oh, and about not being able to put together sentences and forgetting words, I've been experiencing that same thing recently! I posted about it and apparently others are too. If you would like you can add me on Facebook: ashlynn kindschy. It'll get better and you will be yourself again, don't lose hope! :)

[olivia4514]

yeah , i still have the appointment with the other psych. I guess I'll have to go. If I already took it as far as going to doctors. Although none of them does talk therapy , they just give me pills. And I need someone to talk to about this or I'll lose it for sure. So meanwhile this forum is kinda like a talk therapy to me.
This night I had a dream that I normally wouldn't mind, but it terrified me now. Time travel stuff. And then I hardly fell asleep again. Then I woke up and felt terrible like always, and took the pill so I'm able to type this. I was even able to get some extra sleep this morning, pretty much without the thougt, but it came back as soon as I opened my eyes again. And when I'm with my mom it's even worse. I can't stop thinking what if she isn't real, or if she is i'm just hurting her with all this. And it got under my skin.I can't enjoy anything anymore. It's so terrible to exist like this,I'm afraid how much more I can take. :(

[ashy]

Hey Olivia,
I'm sorry about the bad dream :(. Do you know if the other psych. Does talk therapy or CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy)? I wonder if you are experiencing derealization or even depersonalization. Do the thoughts accompany a feeling/sensation that things/people around you are not real or that you are looking at yourself from outside of your body? Those two sensations are common with anxiety. Try to look them up if you are not sure what they are. I hope that today will be better for you! :)

[olivia4514]

i don't know if the other psych does talk therapy, i don't think so, but it would be great. maybe i do experience derealization or depersonalization, i read on it and i guess that's what i feel. no wonder tohugh. all the shit in my head right now would make anyone experience that. i found an article that might help me deal with all this ,but i cant post links yet.
When i smoke after i'm nearly done with the cig i feel i strange rush, kinda uncomfortable but I like it now. It makes me feel good. In the short term. When I say short i mean a minute or 2. I read that nicotine isn't quite helping anxiety though. Bit i can't quit at this point.
Also my dreams are getting pretty weird. Is that a side effect of the meds?
I also feel like I want to cry a lot of times but the dears just wont come.
Btw the BIJ has no end, you wrote so yourself, so how am i supposed to end it?

[ashy]

i don't know if the other psych does talk therapy, i don't think so, but it would be great. maybe i do experience derealization or depersonalization, i read on it and i guess that's what i feel. no wonder tohugh. all the shit in my head right now would make anyone experience that. i found an article that might help me deal with all this ,but i cant post links yet. When i smoke after i'm nearly done with the cig i feel i strange rush, kinda uncomfortable but I like it now. It makes me feel good. In the short term. When I say short i mean a minute or 2. I read that nicotine isn't quite helping anxiety though. Bit i can't quit at this point. Also my dreams are getting pretty weird. Is that a side effect of the meds? I also feel like I want to cry a lot of times but the dears just wont come. Btw the BIJ has no end, you wrote so yourself, so how am i supposed to end it?
Well, don't give up on therapists yet :). It's not exactly the thoughts that make someone feel that way, but it's the anxiety that makes your sympathetic mind (flight or fight/ fear response) over react and your parasympathetic mind (rest and recharge) try to keep up, which it can't very well so it makes you feel all of the symptoms of anxiety including irrational thoughts/fears as well as DR and DP. Don't worry about your addiction to cigarettes for now, you need to focus on learning to take control of your mind. Or if you would like, there is usually help for people who want to quit, called smoking cessation. There are patches and other ways to quit.. But I tell you that only if you want to use them. I think the weird dreams could be a side effect of anxiety, meds, or both. I've had a LOT of nightmares. So you are in good company. I didn't mean that BIJ couldn't end in your head. I meant that the "logic" of it was circular like the chicken and the egg question, but you most definitely can end it (although the process will be slow, not instantaneous), just like someone could stop contending in there head whether the chicken or the egg came first.

[olivia4514]

But what if I won't ever stop thinking about it, i mean it just terrifies me to think how people might not be real all the time. And even if i get myself to stop thinking about it a little I still don't really stop, cause people are everywhere all the time, so it's like a constant reminder. I also think about people when I think with my 'own' mind so that too is quite difficult. I honestly think that I'm fucked up as someone can be. And I don't know if it even can be fixed, what if this is the way I really am? I guess I just need to know that shit is not real for sure before I can finally just let go.
It gets a lot worse in the morning. I wake up extremely anxious and scared every single morning. And then it just kinda sticks with me the entire day, and then I fall asleep with the same thought, anxious. Even in my dreams I feel the anxiety, i swear. It never leaves me alone. When I take a nap in the afternoon, I of course got that thought stuck in my head together with the anxiety and I fall asleep anxious and when I dream I can still feel the anxiety. Is that normal?
And whenever I think about my family it makes me want to cry. Either because I think they're not real or because I do realize they're real and I think that this is not the kind of a life my mom wanted for me. And the same goes for everyone else who ever wanted me happy, this is not how it was supposed to turn out. I just can't live together with this thought, i'd give anything for being able to go back in time and never read that shit.
I write a lot of corny stuff,I know, sorry about that btw.

[ashy]

I assure you, it's normal. I also wake up anxious, stay anxious all day and go to bed anxious. It will get better but only if you decide to change it. You have to make a decision to be firm with yourself. Don't use terminology or talk with doubt, (such a when you said your 'own' brain) but start talking to yourself in your head like everyone and everything is real. At first it doesn't seem to convince you, but just keep it up. You have to continuously say to yourself I am real, the people around me are real, I will not believe this BIJ stuff. Slow your thoughts down by reassuring yourself of this. No, it won't make the fear go away necessarily, but it will help with the constant bombardment of thoughts. You HAVE to be firm with yourself if you want it to stop. And I'm pretty sure you know, at least in the back of your head, that people are real. If you believed that your family wasn't real, you wouldn't feel sad like you do. If you didn't believe that I or anyone else on the forum was real, you wouldn't be seeking for help. It's just the fear that is making you feel like you do and making you think irrational. But the best way to get out of the vicious cycle is to be firm with yourself. I also had to learn this. I just wanted other people to convince my fears away and take away my anxiety, but they couldn't completely. It was only when I decided to start being firm with myself, and CONSTANTLY telling myself the truth, that I started to get out of the vicious cycle of scary thoughts.

[olivia4514]

ok i'm going to be firm from now on ! btw today went great, I went to school, could laugh and stuff and concentrate a bit on the school stuff too. Thursday I'm off to see the psych again. Hopefully he'll tell me something new.
Them thoughts are sort of letting up too. And the cigs, oh well you're right, i couldn't give less fucks if im hooked. But I'll say so long to this anxiety once and for all once day, I sure of that. :) :)

[ashy]

ok i'm going to be firm from now on ! btw today went great, I went to school, could laugh and stuff and concentrate a bit on the school stuff too. Thursday I'm off to see the psych again. Hopefully he'll tell me something new. Them thoughts are sort of letting up too. And the cigs, oh well you're right, i couldn't give less fucks if im hooked. But I'll say so long to this anxiety once and for all once day, I sure of that. :) :)
That's the spirit!! I'm so happy that it's been a better day for you! You deserve it :). Keep your head and your hopes up, because that is what is going to get you through :)

[olivia4514]

I'm getting these weird dreams still. I don't want to go to sleep, but I don't want to stay awake either. :D :(

[ashy]

I'm getting these weird dreams still. I don't want to go to sleep, but I don't want to stay awake either. :D :(
I'm sure that those will go away with time. Mine started to :)

[olivia4514]

Hey, sorry for being negative again but today was one of the bad days again.
I went to the shrink and I found out he completely misdiagnosed me... But oh well, Imma go to another one next friday, hopefully she'll help me more than this fucker. I was really pissed off. Like really.
Today I also constantly feel like on the edge of losing my mind. That's not an option though.
Btw this forum is kinda like an AA meeting :D
and I would, if you don't mind, like to ask you what are you afraid of? what causes your anxiety and how does it show? and what is going on in ya head?

[ashy]

Hey, sorry for being negative again but today was one of the bad days again. I went to the shrink and I found out he completely misdiagnosed me... But oh well, Imma go to another one next friday, hopefully she'll help me more than this fucker. I was really pissed off. Like really. Today I also constantly feel like on the edge of losing my mind. That's not an option though. Btw this forum is kinda like an AA meeting :D and I would, if you don't mind, like to ask you what are you afraid of? what causes your anxiety and how does it show? and what is going on in ya head?
That's alright! I definitely have those days where I find it really hard to be positive. Can I ask how the shrink diagnosed you or misdiagnosed you? That's weird, maybe they didn't have enough information or something. Hopefully the next one will be better :). Well my anxiety first started after my moms death and my entire family (moms and dads side) were so full of hate and anger and I got the receiving end of a lot of it, especially from my stepdad. I started having panic attacks whenever I saw someone that looked like him. Then I moved to Arizona and my boyfriend moved with me. But then I started having panic attacks that he would get into a car crash, anytime that he would drive. After that, it was more me being anxious in relationships. My relationship with any of my family members isn't very good. I kept blaming myself for everything and would would be very anxious about always wanting to please people and never feeling that I was good enough. I've become fearful that the people I am close to will just abandon me or hate me. I get really anxious whenever anyone is even a little upset. I can't watch horror movies or anything with violence or death or stuff like that. It's stuff like all of that that are my triggers. But I've also had a lot of nightmares, panic attacks that something really bad was going to happen, disturbing thoughts (for example if I was waiting in my car for a train to pass, I would think (go run into the train, or I would visualize it). I've had a lot of physical symptoms like headaches, stomachaches, dizziness, severe fatigue (even when I sleep 8 hours), nausea, and I've felt mentally drained, it's hard for me to concentrate, remember things, sometimes making a coherent sentence when I'm talking, and constant negative thoughts running through my head. The negative thoughts I am starting to get control over, but a lot of times it's hard emotionally. I often feel on edge or anxious for no reason, my emotions are more amplified and it's like a roller coaster.. I feel more irritable and upset (when I'm not that kind of person at all), I feel like crying for no reason, and sometimes I feel bouncy and happy. It's a lot to deal with, especially when life doesn't stop or slow down for you. I am a full time student in college and I have 2 jobs. It's exhausting haha. Anyways, that's kind of a long description, but I understand what you are going through. It's very hard and scary, and it's frustrating when people in your life don't understand you and what you are going through. But that's why we're on this forum right? It's really helpful to talk to people who understand :)

[olivia4514]

That's really sad :( I'm pulling for you to get through this. I've been thinking about it too, that life doesn't slow down for you. How much easier would that be :)
Anyway, I can't tell you how the shrink diagnosed me cause I'm actually not from an english speaking country, so the diagnosis is in my language too and I don't know how the say it in english :D but he missed the anxiety part :O and I was like WTF that's the cause of all the trouble how can he just ignore it. And he wrote something completely wrong...and this morning I forgot to take the pill he prescribed me and I just noticed it now, but I felt way better today and my 'own' thoughts are all coming back and the others are leaving ( though I still have disturbing, intrusive thoughts that scare me, but mostly the ones I had before,not this absurd shit, and these are getting less intrusive too ). Plus the bad feeling I always felt is kinda letting up too.
So I don't know if he didn't just fuck me up even more you know. And I'm scared to skip on the meds in the evening because I might not be able to go to sleep. But I guess I just won't take'em in the morning and see how I'm doing.

[ashy]

That's really sad :( I'm pulling for you to get through this. I've been thinking about it too, that life doesn't slow down for you. How much easier would that be :) Anyway, I can't tell you how the shrink diagnosed me cause I'm actually not from an english speaking country, so the diagnosis is in my language too and I don't know how the say it in english :D but he missed the anxiety part :O and I was like WTF that's the cause of all the trouble how can he just ignore it. And he wrote something completely wrong...and this morning I forgot to take the pill he prescribed me and I just noticed it now, but I felt way better today and my 'own' thoughts are all coming back and the others are leaving ( though I still have disturbing, intrusive thoughts that scare me, but mostly the ones I had before,not this absurd shit, and these are getting less intrusive too ). Plus the bad feeling I always felt is kinda letting up too. So I don't know if he didn't just fuck me up even more you know. And I'm scared to skip on the meds in the evening because I might not be able to go to sleep. But I guess I just won't take'em in the morning and see how I'm doing.
Oh, where are you from? What language do you speak? I could look it up. I love learning different languages. Your English is super good, I couldn't tell that your not from an English speaking country. How long have you been on the meds? Only like a few weeks right? I was on Paxil for like 3 days but it made me feel awful, so I called my doctor and she took me off of them. But other people have said that it takes many weeks, sometimes a few months for them to really start working, so who knows. I'm trying to find other ways to help me besides medicine, but I guess if nothing works I might try medicine, but I'll try different ones till I find what works for me, but hopefully I won't have to ;). I'm so happy that you are starting to feel better! And you will keep getting better, sometimes there might be bumps in the road, but don't let them stop you!

[olivia4514]

Slovakia.. you might have heard of it..mid-europe. our native language is slovak, your tongue would probably break if you'd try to speak it. I learned some english in school, but not much, I learned most of it through watching stuff with english subs at first, and listening to lyrics, and reading a lot in english. Now I even think in english all the time :D and if I stumble onto words I don't know I just look em' up in my dictionary app..
I'm taking the pills for a week and a day now, I actually wrote here when I went to that doc for the 1st time and that's when he prescribed them. They never really helped in fact, but I've gotta take them to go to sleep. I'm gonna go to this other psych the next week and see what happens

[ashy]

Slovakia.. you might have heard of it..mid-europe. our native language is slovak, your tongue would probably break if you'd try to speak it. I learned some english in school, but not much, I learned most of it through watching stuff with english subs at first, and listening to lyrics, and reading a lot in english. Now I even think in english all the time :D and if I stumble onto words I don't know I just look em' up in my dictionary app.. I'm taking the pills for a week and a day now, I actually wrote here when I went to that doc for the 1st time and that's when he prescribed them. They never really helped in fact, but I've gotta take them to go to sleep. I'm gonna go to this other psych the next week and see what happens
Awesome! There's not even a hint that English is not your first language ;). Let me know how it goes with the other psych! Oh, and be patient with both the meds and the psych, usually it takes time to see results in either one of them. Hope you're doing good! Hang in there!

[olivia4514]

Thankfully now I feel A LOT better. But I don't know why :D I got off those stupid meds completely 2 days ago, so that might actually be the reason. Maybe they really were just messing me up even more. I finally don't have that stupid thought stuck in my head. Now I even realize how stupid it all is and I can't believe it bothered me so much. Well that's what anxiety does to people. It's still not completely gone but I'm getting there. Even the OCD is starting to get better a little. Maybe it's just one of those better times now, but I really hope it all won't come back just out of the blue. Now I have a lot more trouble with sleeping though. I can't fall asleep til' about 2 a.m. because stuff is just roaming through my head and even then when I sleep it's like I'm half awake. I can remember all my weird fucked up dreams too, but oh well. It's better than hyperventilating all night long like I used to with a pulse above 160 :D
I'm still gonna see the psych, of course so I'll tell ya how it went on friday :)

[ashy]

Thankfully now I feel A LOT better. But I don't know why. I got off those stupid meds completely 2 days ago, so that might actually be the reason. Maybe they really were just messing me up even more. I finally don't have that stupid thought stuck in my head. Now I even realize how stupid it all is and I can't believe it bothered me so much. Well that's what anxiety does to people. It's still not completely gone but I'm getting there. Even the OCD is starting to get better a little. Maybe it's just one of those better times now, but I really hope it all won't come back just out of the blue. Now I have a lot more trouble with sleeping though. I can't fall asleep til' about 2 a.m. because stuff is just roaming through my head and even then when I sleep it's like I'm half awake. I can remember all my weird fucked up dreams too, but oh well. It's better than hyperventilating all night long like I used to with a pulse above 160. I'm still gonna see the psych, of course so I'll tell ya how it went on friday :)
That's really awesome! :D I'm so happy for you!! I also have sleeping problems, like it takes me forever to fall asleep at night. And don't be discouraged if you have some bad days sometimes or if it seems to be coming back. Now you know how to fight it off, and you'll get better and better with time :) yayy!!

[ashy]

Hey, I hope your psych appointment went well on Friday!! Hope everything is going well for you! :)

[olivia4514]

Hey, it went quite good,nothing much happened, I just told the shrink that I'm feeling fine. I also told him that I'm still taking the pills even though I stopped a week prior. I know he'd just bitch about it so it's no use telling him. In fact ,the more I go to him the more I can't stand him. All the shit he told me actually just made my anxiety worse and he did not help me in any aspect at all. I don't think I'm gonna show up to him ever again. And the other one, well we did not go to her, because we wouldn't have caught the train :D But it's ok cause I'm feeling pretty good, still not completely, but way better than I did 3 weeks ago. And I decided that if it's ever going to get worse I'll just go to her :)

[ashy]

Hey, it went quite good,nothing much happened, I just told the shrink that I'm feeling fine. I also told him that I'm still taking the pills even though I stopped a week prior. I know he'd just bitch about it so it's no use telling him. In fact ,the more I go to him the more I can't stand him. All the shit he told me actually just made my anxiety worse and he did not help me in any aspect at all. I don't think I'm gonna show up to him ever again. And the other one, well we did not go to her, because we wouldn't have caught the train :D But it's ok cause I'm feeling pretty good, still not completely, but way better than I did 3 weeks ago. And I decided that if it's ever going to get worse I'll just go to her :)
Well that's a good idea :). Yea, you shouldn't go to a shrink that you're not comfortable with. How've you been doing these past few days? I'm glad you've been feeling better and don't feel like you need the meds! :D

[olivia4514]

I've been doing pretty well, except that there's still something wrong with me. I mean, those things all went away, thank God, but now I've got this weird feeling that I can't completely describe. It's like when I do anything ,talking with people,reading a book or watching a TV show or whatever I feel like the information doesn't get to me. Like I understand it and all but it's just not get to me somehow. It feels like the whole day just goes by and I haven't done shit, except that I did. Hope you understand. :D it doesn't bother me that much though, I'm glad that most of that other shit is gone :)
plus I really got hooked on smoking, I light 2 cigs in the morning, then go to school and at the last lessons I start to have kind of a withdrawal, which is so fucked up, but then after school I light another cig and so on. I don't know how to break this habit. I don't really want to either, because it makes me feel ok when I'm down.

[olivia4514]

I meant the cigarettes ,not the withdrawal :D

[After5hock]

I've been doing pretty well, except that there's still something wrong with me. I mean, those things all went away, thank God, but now I've got this weird feeling that I can't completely describe. It's like when I do anything ,talking with people,reading a book or watching a TV show or whatever I feel like the information doesn't get to me. Like I understand it and all but it's just not get to me somehow. It feels like the whole day just goes by and I haven't done shit, except that I did. Hope you understand. :D it doesn't bother me that much though, I'm glad that most of that other shit is gone :)
plus I really got hooked on smoking, I light 2 cigs in the morning, then go to school and at the last lessons I start to have kind of a withdrawal, which is so fucked up, but then after school I light another cig and so on. I don't know how to break this habit. I don't really want to either, because it makes me feel ok when I'm down.

I was a smoker for eight years. Loved every second of it, and refused to quit. It was hard, and it took me two weeks to quit completely. After hacking up all the nasty shit that was in my lungs, I never felt so physically relieved! I could/can breathe! Also, my chest pains and panic attacks arent as severe because it's gotten a lot easier to breathe. Not that they don't get bad, but atleast now I don't have to be terrified of suffocating during them anymore. I know this might sound funny/weird, but it feels much better now that it's easier to hyperventilate (like, the air is able to be smoother).
Also, it was causing attacks when I didn't have any cigs. (Which happened often)

[ashy]

I've been doing pretty well, except that there's still something wrong with me. I mean, those things all went away, thank God, but now I've got this weird feeling that I can't completely describe. It's like when I do anything ,talking with people,reading a book or watching a TV show or whatever I feel like the information doesn't get to me. Like I understand it and all but it's just not get to me somehow. It feels like the whole day just goes by and I haven't done shit, except that I did. Hope you understand. it doesn't bother me that much though, I'm glad that most of that other shit is gone. plus I really got hooked on smoking, I light 2 cigs in the morning, then go to school and at the last lessons I start to have kind of a withdrawal, which is so fucked up, but then after school I light another cig and so on. I don't know how to break this habit. I don't really want to either, because it makes me feel ok when I'm down.
I wonder if you are feeling derealization/depersonalization. I've only experienced them a little bit. But I think there are a lot of resources out there that help you with that. Like here's a video: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCHcyFlf1EIsWllSe8s95EFQ/videos"]https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCHcyFlf1EIsWllSe8s95EFQ/videos
I'm glad it doesn't really bother you though :). Hmm, well, it's really up to you if you want to try to quit. There's lots of stuff you can use like patches and they have smoking cessation programs. It might make you feel better in the long run if you quit, and for the short term you should replace cigs with something else to help you feel ok. (If you are taking away cigs, it's really important to replace it with something else [thats better for you ;) ]) but it's up to you of course :) glad to hear that you are feeling better!!

[olivia4514]

Maybe it is derealization/deperonalization , I don't know..I feel pretty real actually but not like myself so maybe DP.
Anyway, I've been browsing on OCD forums a little lately and I found people with the exact same thoughts as mine were. I mean the 'what if I'm the only mind and others ain't here' shit. And even though I'm no longer experiencig them, it's still good to know that I'm not the only one. It's pretty shitty though that people have to go through that. And my OCD is still fucking me up. It actually affects every single aspect of my life. Now I think that all that existencial bullshit was OCD too, not only anxiety. It sucks to be wired like this. I've got a nice cocktail of OCD and anxiety and self-pity-lately. And I also hate myself for being such a little bitch..
And about the cigs, I think I'll just keep smoking for now and quit when i'll feel like it :D :) thanks for replying :)

[olivia4514]

Hey, just wanted to share how i'm feeling lately. I don't want to start a new thread so Imma write it here.
I kinda got over anxiety, or at least the worst part. A full-blown panic attack that completely paralyzed me, you know about a month ago. When I first wrote here, it was just two days after that. And it basically stayed for a whole week - I felt like a complete nut. I had this thought roaming in my head all day, all the sleeples nights and in my dreams too, literaly. I actually questioned reality and it was the worst kind of anxiety I can imagine. But I overcame it.
And it left me drained. At first it was great, that it's finally all gone. Everything stopped, the anxiety, intrusive thoughts, depression,mood swings and so on. It was like this for a few days. But now I feel really shitty again. I can't really describe it. I just feel empty. Every single day seems the same, I wake up, barely make it out of bed and then I make it through the day and come home, and I'm all by myself with my mind becoming more and more cloudy. I try to distract myself with something, like TV shows or books but nothing works. Then I go to sleep, if you can call it sleep, and the next day it repeats. I can't break out of this routine. There are some good times sometimes but then there are those when I feel like I'm already dead. You that song where the lyrics goes : the lows are so extreme that the good seems fucking cheap. Well it's kinda like that. When I'm with people I just fake being the old me and inside the lights are off. And now it's like all that I show to them is just a facade. Plus I'm still stuck with my OCD and sometimes the anxiety resurfaces a little too. I don't know why I feel like this. Also, a lot of shitty things happen to me and around me and that makes it harder too, but sometimes it's like they can barely even get to me cause I'm all locked away from the world in my shitty fucked up mind.
Maybe this is all just because all the anxiety sucked the life outta me. Could that actually happen? Is there such a thing as post anxiety depression or someting? Although I'm not really 'post' it but I got over the worst I guess. And will this ever go away? cause it doesn't seem like it will
Sorry for bothering you with all this shit again btw :(

[ashy]

Hey, just wanted to share how i'm feeling lately. I don't want to start a new thread so Imma write it here. I kinda got over anxiety, or at least the worst part. A full-blown panic attack that completely paralyzed me, you know about a month ago. When I first wrote here, it was just two days after that. And it basically stayed for a whole week - I felt like a complete nut. I had this thought roaming in my head all day, all the sleeples nights and in my dreams too, literaly. I actually questioned reality and it was the worst kind of anxiety I can imagine. But I overcame it. And it left me drained. At first it was great, that it's finally all gone. Everything stopped, the anxiety, intrusive thoughts, depression,mood swings and so on. It was like this for a few days. But now I feel really shitty again. I can't really describe it. I just feel empty. Every single day seems the same, I wake up, barely make it out of bed and then I make it through the day and come home, and I'm all by myself with my mind becoming more and more cloudy. I try to distract myself with something, like TV shows or books but nothing works. Then I go to sleep, if you can call it sleep, and the next day it repeats. I can't break out of this routine. There are some good times sometimes but then there are those when I feel like I'm already dead. You that song where the lyrics goes : the lows are so extreme that the good seems fucking cheap. Well it's kinda like that. When I'm with people I just fake being the old me and inside the lights are off. And now it's like all that I show to them is just a facade. Plus I'm still stuck with my OCD and sometimes the anxiety resurfaces a little too. I don't know why I feel like this. Also, a lot of shitty things happen to me and around me and that makes it harder too, but sometimes it's like they can barely even get to me cause I'm all locked away from the world in my shitty fucked up mind. Maybe this is all just because all the anxiety sucked the life outta me. Could that actually happen? Is there such a thing as post anxiety depression or someting? Although I'm not really 'post' it but I got over the worst I guess. And will this ever go away? cause it doesn't seem like it will Sorry for bothering you with all this shit again btw
Hey, you don't have to apologize, that's what the forums are for :). Anxiety and depression really do drain you, both mentally and physically. Maybe it would help to take some multivitamins or vitamin d3 to help make up for all the nutrients that the anxiety sucks out of you. And usually when you get anxiety, depression just sort of comes along with it, so that's probably why you are feeling that way. Getting over anxiety is a process and you usually get a bit of set backs, but that means that you are working through it and getting better, so don't let that scare you. If only it was a "solve it once and it's gone" kind of thing, but it's not. But just know that what you are experiencing now means that you are making progress and getting better. You've come so far, and you are doing great :)! And it will go away, don't let anyone tell you that it won't :)

[olivia4514]

Thanks for replying :)
I'm taking some vitamins, ones that contain just about everything so i hope they'll have some effect. I was also thinking about going back to a diet I was on. I stopped eating healthy about a month ago and exercise A LOT less. Now I just lift some dumbells and do a few squats sometimes and I don't even really do cardio no more, all because I just lost all the motivation and stuff. But mabye I can go back to that diet and work out if I could only talk myself into it. That diet was great, it was all about cutting off all the unnecesary stuff that we consume every day and getting all the good things that we actually need. It was pretty hard though cause in the stores there's so much shit and it's difficult to pick out the right food. So I wonder if that diet would do any good to this anxiety and depression. If I'd cut off the sugar and 'bad' fat and add the 'good' fat and all the nutritious things. And then I'd do a lot of working out. Would that help ?

[olivia4514]

Plus I drink so much coffee now it's ridiculous. And I know it's a stimulant for anxiety. I can sleep pretty well these days though so at least something.. I'll just try to reduce the coffee to one cup of bulletproof coffee (coffee without sugar and milk but with coconut oil and with butter :D ) before work out and that's it.

[ashy]

Thanks for replying :) I'm taking some vitamins, ones that contain just about everything so i hope they'll have some effect. I was also thinking about going back to a diet I was on. I stopped eating healthy about a month ago and exercise A LOT less. Now I just lift some dumbells and do a few squats sometimes and I don't even really do cardio no more, all because I just lost all the motivation and stuff. But mabye I can go back to that diet and work out if I could only talk myself into it. That diet was great, it was all about cutting off all the unnecesary stuff that we consume every day and getting all the good things that we actually need. It was pretty hard though cause in the stores there's so much shit and it's difficult to pick out the right food. So I wonder if that diet would do any good to this anxiety and depression. If I'd cut off the sugar and 'bad' fat and add the 'good' fat and all the nutritious things. And then I'd do a lot of working out. Would that help ?
Hey, I think you are in the right track :). I know exercise helps tremendously with helping you regulate your emotions and helps you to feel good afterwards. Cardio especially helps :). Try to find a good workout or cardio that you know you would really enjoy, then that will give you the motivation to do it. I am thinking of trying ballet this summer, or some kind of dance, and maybe some yoga. I'm really stoked about it! And your gut is like your second brain. When you eat right and get all of the nutrients that you need, your brain functions a lot better. And cutting down on coffee could help :). You've definitely got the right idea!

[Kashman31591]

This sounds like a delusion, and I do not mean that in any negative way, when I was younger I once had the idea that my eyes were melting and another time that I was being replaced by nano-bots. Anyway, I study psychology and neuroscience and this "brain in a jar" theory sounds bogus to me. The brain needs the body to survive. It needs a constant supply of blood and oxygen. If we had the ability to keep the brain alive otherwise, no one would die from bodily injuries or old age but have the brain removed to survive on it's own, which is not the case. So it sounds impossible, at least with current medical tech. I would talk to a therapist about this, that's how I get through all my crazy ideas :) Best of luck.

[olivia4514]

Thanks Kashman, I actually got over that shit now, but it's still getting to me sometimes so it's always good to read replies like that.
Anyway I had a shitty day today that turned into a good one right now thanks to Netflix :D they just put a trailer for the second season of one of my fav TV shows on youtube and I got so fucking exicted like a lil kid on Christmas. This is the happiest I felt in a long long time :D Even though it's still quite difficult getting through my days but I hope it will get better. And I got on this diet. Well sort of. Guess I'm having one of them 'ups' now :)

[GeetGeet]

good evening, this is my first post on this forum, i just discovered it about right now, and this is probably going to be pretty long but please read it because i never felt this terrible before and I just REALLY need to get this off my chest and hopefully get some help
I dont even know where i should start but I really never felt as bad as in these past few days..the whole thing started on thursday evening, i was just browsing the web as usual and i stumbled onto this thing that really disturbed me as much as possible,probably.. so the thing i read about is called the Brain in a jar theory.. if you know you cant handle disturbing stuff just stop reading right now.. thats what i should have done right away too,but well, cant take it back now as much as I wish i could.. anyway, heres what its about: it is basically an idea that a persons brain has been somehow removed from his skull by,like some mad scientist or whatever and had been put into a jar that contains some liquid that could hypotheticaly keep it 'alive' somehow, and then 'plugged' into a 'supercomputer' that can send electric impulses to it and so the person would see,feel,smell,hear and taste as usual and wouldnt notice any difference, he would just 'live' on, have a 'normal life' and so on...and im just really terrified of this idea so much.. i keep thinking about this these past 3 days and when i say thinking i obviously do not mean just normal thinkig but terrible, anxious, overwhelming thinking..you know like what if i am just that, a brain thats being fed impulses and all the things,the people around me are just that, an impulse,fake etc..the worst is when i think about the people ,my mom,dad,grandma,sister,the whole family ,friends,love and basically all the people i ever touched or saw even only on the TV.. like what if they are not really there and they are just impulses or whatever,but not real... it may sound ridiculous to you but i almost feel like im dead insinde,almost.. even though it all is just a so called 'thought experiment' and i know its pointless to dwell on it so much,because its most probably not true, but you know how a highly anxious mind works..even the fact that there might be the slightest possibility it could be true terrifies me to the point i could barely function throughout the day, I got about 3 or 4 panic attacks i think in these 3 days.. the first one was the worst. It was right after i went to the bed the night i read it. I experienced a full-blown panic attack, my heartbeat was probably above 160 or so and i was hyperventilating and shaking and felt completely restless, i havent slept a minute..the next day i went to school and tried to get some rest durnig the lessons,which i always could but not this time.. this whole BIJ thing was stuck in my head,there was no way it would leave, i could barely even concentrate on what people were saying to me..then i went to my grandmas for lunch and told her and she told me what a bunch of cr** that whole thing is.. and i know deep inside that she is right, but i still couldnt stop dwelling on it, and she told me not to tell my momma because she is recovering from multiple mental problems so it would just worsen her state, but i just couldnt keep it inside any longer and started crying and panicking in front of her and i couldnt pretend everything is fine anymore...so she was just hugging me for a long time and telling me its nothing, you know what moms do..but i just couldt help but think that what if all that is just some fake impulse, what if its not real..and just kept crying for about 3 hours till she gave me a pill that she is taking for her anxiety. and so i took it and calmed down a little and i could go to sleep for about 6 hours, with her in the same room. the next day, yesterday, started really bad, again, right after i woke up that terrible idea just jumped in my head like on its own and wouldnt leave until i went to sleep at night (with medication) and the entire day i was crying and just kept looking for something that would prove that whole BIJ thing wrong, i was hitting and pinching myself to feel pain or just feel whatever, i kept touching everything around me and so on and telling myself that human beings could no way exist like that..that other people HAVE to be real, the people i 'percievie' can NOT be just fake impulses because that would be the most devastating thing for me.. if id ever give in to that idea i would find no meaning in living anymore and that is nearly how i feel now too. I live for the people around me,for the love and all the good feelings and even negative ones,for their presence, and i just want my beloved ones to be happy and safe.. but everything would lose meaning if they werent 'really' real...they just HAVE to be.. i hope you know what i mean.. and its on my mind constantly, i cant let it go, i know that i just pointlessly torture myself.. and its mind-boggling. I aslo read a lot of stuff about how the human organism works yesterday, to you know,find someting that would make the whole BIJ untrue. Then today, i woke up and had this anxious feeling instantly so i went to my mom to lay down next to her and that calmed me a lot actually and i had this feeling that this cant be faked by any computer, a mothers love .. and thats what i believe and know right now too, my whole life. Today went a little better than yesterday, but just a tiny bit, in most aspects..I still cried a lot, I even felt like throwning up and I also smoke 2 cigarettes just to get a little calmer,even though cigs always made me feel lightheaded and i know theyre jut not good for anxious people in general..I aslo took another pill about an hour ago and thats pretty much how this whole thing went. I have to add that about 3 years ago I had a 'period' of anxiety and phobia over the fact that we are all gonna die, and that time goes on so fast ,and like what happens after we die and if we will be with our beloved ones and so on all the possible things about these topics....but I got over it, and I mean it, i have barely even thought about those things like that before and I still dont to this day althought im still scared to a degree like most of us i guess.. and i hope that one wont come back again cause that might be the last straw.. Plus, I also have OCD and i dont mean like that teenage girl OCD, but a real one. I noticed it about 2-3 years ago, i didnt knew it was OCD back then, i didnt even gave it much attention but it grew worse.. at first i was just 'checking' stuff in my room, the office chair had to be exactly in a certain position when i wasnt using it, i could get up and 'fix' its position a thousand times till i was sure its ok..then came the constant handwashing,checking the light in the bathroom,checking if the door is locked an exact number of times when i was leaving home.. you get the point.. but then in about the beginning of february it got a lot worse than that. there came the obsessive,intrusive thoughts, really disturbing ones that just popped into my mind wheter i liked it or not,with whatever content and with an enormous amount of anxiety.also, i was obsessing over the smallest things. i almost recovered from those though, they even went away but only because an even bigger problem formed. My current one. And the way i feel right now, its an all-time low.Yet. i also constantly worry if its ever gonna go away,these thoughts about the BIJ,the anxiety,OCD, this light Depression Im probably beginning to have and if its gonna get even worse. also if i will be a junkie,if i will end up in a psych ward or someting. or maybe if i already belong there... Im also really beginning to worry about my 'light' mood swings and other stuff..I REALLY dont want to completly lose it, to just snap and have a mental breakdown (if this is not it) or something and i will never be the same again...The rational 'me' knows that the whole BIJ thing is practically impossible,its just a thought experiment, its nothing to worry about, thats what i try to tell myself, thats what others keep telling me too and i want to believe, i do ,i know i do deep inside, but still i cant help but think about it over and over and over and its pontless and there always seems to be that doubt that what if... its terrible to exist like this, constantly weeping,thinking what if all this is not real and get anxious over it so much.. and its getting harder to preform everyday stuff..and i know this wouldt have even bothered me about a year ago but maybe it does now because a lot of traumatic, bad s*** happened lately..with my ma' mostly and so on.. I am at a point where i absolutely dont know anything anymore, and its like noone even sees all the pain inside, i feel so alone even though i do get support, but i even question if those people are real so you get it..right now i dont even know if you all are really real....I poured my heart out on this thread so.. i hope someone can get me out of this mysery somehow, please someone I really need help before I go insane :(((

Hi,
You say that you are worried that what you are experiencing isn't "real"--believe me it is. If you are perceiving life, that means it exists. What you perceive can be amazing and beautiful. Your mother is there with you and the comfort you received was real--for you. Believe in what you are experiencing--and know that perception creates our reality. If we can smell it, see it, taste it--there's proof it's there. Trust yourself.

[olivia4514]

Thanks GeetGeet i don't really see any asurance in that scheme you wrote but I'm kinda over it now so I believe stuff is real. But thanks anyway, really, all help is apreciated. :)
Btw I know I already wrote this a million times but my OCD is really fucking with me again. It takes literally every possible form , intrusive thoughts, checking and so on. It takes me half an hour to read one damn page of a book just because of the way the letters are positioned. That's so fucked up. Or before I go to sleep I need to check if my chair is in 'the right position' and the pillows on my sofa and the shit on my desk and so on. It's extra 30 minutes every single night before I go to bed. And this happens every day with everyfuckingthing I do. When I write a poem ( yeah cheesy but I love writing stuff,poems too :D ) it drives me crazy because the 'scheme' is never the right way. I mean the rhyming scheme. And it actually is all good because everything rhymes but for me it has to be exactly my way. I read some lyricsist experience this too with their lyrics, so I'm not completely alone in this at least :D And the thougts I obsess about, it's all bullshit too and I know it but yet, I can't stop being obsessive and I linger on them and they make me feel like shit. And I can't.Shut.Them.Off. I know most of you don't experience this kind of obsessive stuff but I read somwhere that OCD is an anxiety disorder too, so maybe if someone can give me any advice on how to stop this. Not like it can ever be stopped once I have OCD but at least just keep it in check. And if someone experiences intrusive thoughts, which is a symptom of anxiety so some of you (unfortunately) probably do, how do you cope with them or make them go?
sorry, maybe i should make a new thread :D

[ashy]

Thanks GeetGeet i don't really see any asurance in that scheme you wrote but I'm kinda over it now so I believe stuff is real. But thanks anyway, really, all help is apreciated. Btw I know I already wrote this a million times but my OCD is really fucking with me again. It takes literally every possible form , intrusive thoughts, checking and so on. It takes me half an hour to read one damn page of a book just because of the way the letters are positioned. That's so fucked up. Or before I go to sleep I need to check if my chair is in 'the right position' and the pillows on my sofa and the shit on my desk and so on. It's extra 30 minutes every single night before I go to bed. And this happens every day with everyfuckingthing I do. When I write a poem ( yeah cheesy but I love writing stuff,poems too ) it drives me crazy because the 'scheme' is never the right way. I mean the rhyming scheme. And it actually is all good because everything rhymes but for me it has to be exactly my way. I read some lyricsist experience this too with their lyrics, so I'm not completely alone in this at least.And the thougts I obsess about, it's all bullshit too and I know it but yet, I can't stop being obsessive and I linger on them and they make me feel like shit. And I can't.Shut.Them.Off. I know most of you don't experience this kind of obsessive stuff but I read somwhere that OCD is an anxiety disorder too, so maybe if someone can give me any advice on how to stop this. Not like it can ever be stopped once I have OCD but at least just keep it in check. And if someone experiences intrusive thoughts, which is a symptom of anxiety so some of you (unfortunately) probably do, how do you cope with them or make them go? sorry, maybe i should make a new thread
OCD is an anxiety disorder. I haven't particularly had OCD, (I don't think), but I bet therapy can help with that. Maybe you can see that new therapist that you never got to see. I'm not sure if this would help, but try forcing yourself to continue despite feeling the pull of the OCD to check things. Be firm with putting your thoughts onto something else cuz you can only think about one thing at a time anyways. You'll still feel the pull, but refuse to obey it. The more you refuse it, the easier it should become. But I have definitely dealt with intrusive thoughts. Just acknowledge it, but try to look at it from an outside perspective and don't let your mind ponder it and don't give it attention. Just be like, ok, that's a weird, intrusive thought. Call it what it is, a symptom of anxiety, and turn your focus on to other things, and that means changing your thoughts. I hope that helps :) you doing great :)

[olivia4514]

' you can only think about one thing at a time ' - i know right ? , but sometimes there are a lot of things runnin' through my head at one time and I can't put my mind on anything completely. But I deal with it.
Refusing the compulsion actually worked, once. Well I tried it only once because it's actually pretty difficult. But it did work as far as I remember :D so I'll try it now too. I'm still gonna have to put the chair and pillows in position but I'll try not to check on them.
Also, is it actually possible to, you know, lose memory because of these obsessive thoughts? I mean not completely lose, but mine is pretty doomed now. I always had a terrible memory but now it's getting even worse. I literally can't remember things from yesterday or a month ago, and what happened a year ago is all gone. It's kinda getting under my skin because I can't remember important things. It's like being really wasted except that I'm not. On the other hand the imaginary stuff from my stories is on my mind all the time. Cause I'm being obsessive over fucking made up stories. Maybe my memory is restored by them I don't know :D
I'll take your advice on everything :)
'you doing great' - that was so ghetto hh :D

[ashy]

' you can only think about one thing at a time ' - i know right ? , but sometimes there are a lot of things runnin' through my head at one time and I can't put my mind on anything completely. But I deal with it. Refusing the compulsion actually worked, once. Well I tried it only once because it's actually pretty difficult. But it did work as far as I remember so I'll try it now too. I'm still gonna have to put the chair and pillows in position but I'll try not to check on them. Also, is it actually possible to, you know, lose memory because of these obsessive thoughts? I mean not completely lose, but mine is pretty doomed now. I always had a terrible memory but now it's getting even worse. I literally can't remember things from yesterday or a month ago, and what happened a year ago is all gone. It's kinda getting under my skin because I can't remember important things. It's like being really wasted except that I'm not. On the other hand the imaginary stuff from my stories is on my mind all the time. Cause I'm being obsessive over fucking made up stories. Maybe my memory is restored by them I don't know I'll take your advice on everything 'you doing great' - that was so ghetto hh :D
Hahaha I meant to say you're doing great :P. Refusing is really hard, but keep at it, cuz that's how you're gonna overcome it :). And I also felt that I've been losing my memory, sometimes I forget what I did that same day. But I think as the anxiety lessens, your memory will start to come back. Are you stressed a lot? That could be another reason for the memory loss as well. But it shouldn't be anything that you need to worry about, it's just an annoyance. Do you still have anxious feelings about anything? Or is it mostly just symptoms like these that are affecting you? How have your emotions been?

[jessed03]

Had to rate this thread 5 stars. It's become a beast :)

[ashy]

Had to rate this thread 5 stars. It's become a beast :)
Hi Jesse! Haha why do you say that?

[olivia4514]

Hey Jesse, I don't know what that means :D but thanks
well I'm kinda stressed lately. If I had to rate the stress 1-10 I'd say maybe 6-7. If that affects my memory than I hope it doesn't too much. I don't want to end up like Drew Barrymore in 50 first dates :D
I'm anxious over a lot of practicular things. But sometimes-mostly it's just anxiety out of the blue over nothing at all and then once I'm in that state, every thought becomes dark. I'm also quite anxious about time. It just passes way too fast for me I guess. And then I start to think about how it all will be over one day and get anxious and sad. Or more like depressed. I try to tell myself that it has no point to get caught up in such thoughts and that I have to live in the moment and give a fuck about tomorrow or yesterday. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. And when I think of all these shitty things that bother me and how I complain about pretty much everything lately I really start to hate myself. I really don't want to be like this, I never was like this before. But these last 2 months seem like a pity-party that I throw for myself everyday. You know...

[olivia4514]

aw shit, I just re-watched the Turman Show today... I shouldn't have done that, I shouldn't fucking have done that.. hope I won't be getting too paranoid :D :(
but other than that today was a pretty good day. Not really getting the Easter feeling but oh well..

[olivia4514]

Hey , just wanted to share what happened today. I went to a part-time job interview and it went great. I got the job. But I'm very anxious about it. I can be pretty clumsy so I hope I won't fuck things up.:/

[ashy]

Hey , just wanted to share what happened today. I went to a part-time job interview and it went great. I got the job. But I'm very anxious about it. I can be pretty clumsy so I hope I won't fuck things up.:/
Hey Olivia!! How's it going? How is the new job?? Sorry I haven't been on for a while.. I've had WAY too much going on lately.

[ashy]

Hey Olivia, it won't let me send you another private message cuz it said you don't have enough room and you need to delete some messages.

[olivia4514]

sorry i didn't knew. I'm on it.