Personal life story??? Anyone??

[idk2012ftw]

So im just curious to know the lives of members on this forum because I know everyone goes through different stuff and has different problems and would just like to know where members are coming from.

For me, I was always a hypochondriac ever since I was little and never thought It was weird and thought it was normal because I thought It was normal to worry about your health. Then I had convinced myself that I had breast cancer and would cry myself to sleep and for a year. I was sooo sure I was gonna die just waiting for my heart to stop. Ever since then, I have been an extreme hypochondriac obsessing too much over my health that it takes over my life. Also during that year that I thought I had breast cancer, I started to get intrusive thoughts(such as having images and thoughts of killing my mother and harming others) and also I got blasphemous thoughts(images and thought offended my religion) and I actually thought I was possessed and thought something was in me that wanted to control me. This wasn't me and I was just soo shocked about what was happening to me. I didn't recognize myself. It was scaring me, I was afraid I would act out those intrusive thoughts and cried myself to sleep and begged God to not let me commit those acts. My blasphemous thoughts made me lose my religious faith a lot because when I needed help the most I didn't seem to get it. That year was the most psychologically tortuous and worst year of my life. I had depression for this period of time and people that were my friends told me that I had changed drastically and told me that I was depressed straight up in my face but I was in self denial. I got to understand how it feels to feel "worthless" and "lifeless" and to have "a hole in your chest". I felt like I was just and empty corpse walking in circles(literally). I am just a girl who didn't know why this was happening to me. Now I guess life got better. My OCD seems to be gone, I don't even have to put up with that anymore but hypochondriasis still takes over my life. but yea that's my story.

I appreciate anyone who shares their stories.

[DimpledDevil]

I'll try to give the cliffs notes version but I have the tendency to babble so here goes...

I've suffered from self-esteem issues and depression as a teenager. I always had this irrational fear of men that has gotten a bit better which I believe stems from the fact that I was molested by a neighbor who broke into our house one morning when I was 8. The situation could've been much worse if my Mom hadn't woken up and my dog hadn't started barking which scared the guy off. I went to therapy afterwards but at my age I hated talking about it and instead just wanted to talk about normal third grade problems. I eventually stopped going and put it behind me only realizing later in life the enormity of what had and could have happened.

The anxiety started after college. As I mentioned I struggled with depression and negative thinking all through high school and college. I threw myself into school and working part time. After college I couldn't find a job in my profession teaching. The competition was insane and I felt like the odds of me getting a job weren't even worth sending out resumes. I became really depressed and struggled with two jobs that weren't very steady income. I quickly fell into debt between student loans and credit cards.

After 3 1/2 years I got a lead on a teaching position in NC from a friend. I decided to move 600 miles away from home to pursue it. At first it was great and I finally started to feel accomplished but then the lonilness set in. It was terrifying having to handle little crises that pop up without anyone to help me. Then the money issues continued because although I was making more money it wasn't much more and now I had rent, groceries, electric, heat, in addition to my car payments and insurance and my other bills that I was behind on. The finacial stress made me paranoid and the anxiety so bad that I was afraid to open my mail or check my bank statements. I would just breathe a huge sigh of relief once the next pay day arrived just to know that for this month I survived.

My job is pretty stressful and the workload required causes me to work 9-10 hour days just to get things completed on time. Running personal errands is impossible with so many places only open 8:00-5:00 and me at work from 7-5 most days. I've missed my family and my home so much that I've made the drastic desicion to move back home once the school year ends which I feel will never get here. I haven't seen my family since Christmas. They were supposed to come down last month but couldn't because of a snowstorm. Now I'm dealing with the anxiety of moving back home to no job, no insurance, and an unknown future. It's terrifying. I've decided this weekend to try to go back to therapy and get some meds because I can't keep living like this.

So yea that's my story.

[anxietysucksbutt]

I can totally relate to hypochondriasis and intrusive thoughts! It totally sucks, and is probably the hardest things for me to overcome, and also what send me into an anxious thinking cycle! Realizing what they are has helped me some, but I need to keep practicing my positive thinking and not letting them get to me!

[idk2012ftw]

Thanks for sharing your stories . I really appreciate it and it makes me feel better that I'm not the only one who's having a hard time in life. I really and sincerely do wish the best for you guys.

Best wishes, Ashley :)

[Michael33]

I have Pure O, hypochondria and I'm not sure if I'm starting to get depressed.

All my stuff started randomly, somewhat. I pulled almost a month of all nighters, I'd stay up all night for two days, sleep for one day, I was living off of coffee.. because of university classes. I was dead tired pulling those all nighters, but I forced myself not to sleep because I procrastinate to do my homework until like 1a.m and I'd be up till 7-8a.m doing it. I remember one day having a cigarette after soccer and I had a horrible panic attack. Never felt like myself since, started doing research to find out how I was feeling, got an intrusive thought one day about killing myself, boom Pure O kicked in and hasn't settled since. It's been 3 months, Ive had a few good weeks in those months where I could easily cope. Last few weeks have been horrible. Nonetheless, you're definitely not the only one having a hard time, and you'll be fine for sure, just stay strong always.

[idk2012ftw]

When I was going through my worst OCD moment in my life, it lasted for like 6-7 months then that was when it started to minimize and I got better(I guess) and OCD is a living hell. Sometimes ive stayed all night because of anxiety and fear. Ever since my OCD year, ive never been the same and I don't think I will ever be the same. Thanks for sharing your story and I wish the best for you. :)

[Blessed]

So im just curious to know the lives of members on this forum because I know everyone goes through different stuff and has different problems and would just like to know where members are coming from. For me, I was always a hypochondriac ever since I was little and never thought It was weird and thought it was normal because I thought It was normal to worry about your health. Then I had convinced myself that I had breast cancer and would cry myself to sleep and for a year. I was sooo sure I was gonna die just waiting for my heart to stop. Ever since then, I have been an extreme hypochondriac obsessing too much over my health that it takes over my life. Also during that year that I thought I had breast cancer, I started to get intrusive thoughts(such as having images and thoughts of killing my mother and harming others) and also I got blasphemous thoughts(images and thought offended my religion) and I actually thought I was possessed and thought something was in me that wanted to control me. This wasn't me and I was just soo shocked about what was happening to me. I didn't recognize myself. It was scaring me, I was afraid I would act out those intrusive thoughts and cried myself to sleep and begged God to not let me commit those acts. My blasphemous thoughts made me lose my religious faith a lot because when I needed help the most I didn't seem to get it. That year was the most psychologically tortuous and worst year of my life. I had depression for this period of time and people that were my friends told me that I had changed drastically and told me that I was depressed straight up in my face but I was in self denial. I got to understand how it feels to feel "worthless" and "lifeless" and to have "a hole in your chest". I felt like I was just and empty corpse walking in circles(literally). I am just a girl who didn't know why this was happening to me. Now I guess life got better. My OCD seems to be gone, I don't even have to put up with that anymore but hypochondriasis still takes over my life. but yea that's my story. I appreciate anyone who shares their stories. I know this goes said alot, but I promise you just wrote my life story. My heart truly goes out to you. I thought I was the only one who experienced the OCD about religion and fear of blasphemy (scares me to talk about). I remember noticing my first OCD tendencies when I was 7-8 yrs old . Very odd rituals but to me they were what I had to do. Now 25 yrs later they have manifested into this huge pile of worry doubt fear and most annoying, the hypochondria. I Agree it's nice to know you're not alone but it saddens me to know that other ppl are mentally tortured in the same manner

[Blessed]

Please share how your OCD tendancies went away? That would be an awesome feat for me

[Si76]

I seem to just be suffering from general anxiety - uncomfortable situations often make my chest & throat tighten & often I feel like I'm choking. I'm very very nervous when it comes to intimacy with a member of the opposite sex & yet react angrily to them if they reject me. I've been single for over a decade now and unfortunately my weight doesn't make me look great. I seem to just clam up at tricky situations & am scared of getting into a fight, both verbally or physically.

[idk2012ftw]

Well my OCD just kept minimizing and then it just went away but i am just left with hypochondriasis and anxiety and anxiety attacks and chest pains etc. I didnt seek for any professional help because that would require for me to tell my "family" what i was going through and i just didnt want anyone to know what i was going through so i just kept it to myself and had to learn how to cope and deal with it. When it came to my blasphemous thoughts, for example i would get a thought/voice saying "F*ck you, Jesus" or "I want the devil to take my soul" and this would scare me soo much that i would repeat "im sorry Jesus i didnt mean it" over and over again for hours. i was like a scratched cd just repeating itself over and over. And for my intrusive thought/voice i would get a thought like " at 7:00 p.m im gonna grab a knife and stab my mom in the heart" and repeat over and over again "God dont let me do this, please hold me back, make me kill myself but not anyone else". This just became a routine for me. Unfortunately this became my life for 6-7 months. i will say that talking to friends or just anyone who will listen to you and not judge you and think you are "crazy" helps a lot!! i promise you that. it took some courage to explain to my best friend what i was going through because i feared she would consider me "crazy" and fear that i would kill her(which i would never do) but fortunately she tried to understand as much as she possibly could and was supportive and not judgmental. Another thing that helped my OCD go away temporarily during the 6-7 period was that i was in school during that time so school itself was such a distraction that it took my mind off of those bad OCD thoughts. i would get at least 3 OCD thoughts each school day but they would soon disappear as soon as i would distracted and focusing on math or english, etc but then as soon as school ended, the whole OCD cycle would start again. So what i would recommend to you is that you talk to someone anytime you feel to overwhelmed and feel like its too much to hold in. It also helps to talk to yourself (i do this too to understand myself) and find distractions. This is what i did during those 6-7 months. But i would say that for me, time was my medicine but for others time may very, for some it can be months, years etc. But i know my OCD will come back because i can feel it. i Sincerely wish the best for you because i can completely understand you and if you ever need someone to talk to you can talk to me. :)

[idk2012ftw]

i also get the throat tightening sometimes and worry that i aint something poisonous or that i ate something that i am allergic to that i dont even know about. i start to panic and my heart starts to beat like crazy. i hate when this happens. i hope that you find someone that loves you and understands you. :) best wishes!!

[tezbag]

Whole story or just anxiety parts of it o.o

[idk2012ftw]

which ever you want

[Michael33]

When I was going through my worst OCD moment in my life, it lasted for like 6-7 months then that was when it started to minimize and I got better(I guess) and OCD is a living hell. Sometimes ive stayed all night because of anxiety and fear. Ever since my OCD year, ive never been the same and I don't think I will ever be the same. Thanks for sharing your story and I wish the best for you. :)

Maybe you'll never be the same because you haven't told your family yet. My therapist told me the biggest step in full recovery is talking to your loved ones about the thoughts, after they understand the problems your experiencing. Maybe that weight on your chest of not having told those who are their to support you has kept you feeling like something needs to be said or done, or you still feel subconscious guilt because of the thoughts.

Take it as a blessing. I'm not cured, I still get the thoughts, they still put me through hell sometimes. I look beyond that though, because I've tried everything in the world to recover, I'm living a much more satisfying lifestyle. Much more active, looking better, having fun nights almost all the time because I need to keep busy.. Hypochondria is a pain in the ass, I thought I had every mental disorder in the book. At one point I read about how people hear voices and so I went and started talking to myself in my brain and somehow freaked myself out into thinking I was undergoing psychosis or something and I was hearing voices, meanwhile it was just voices I made up myself that I could do with my own voice. Other times I freaked myself out into thinking I had bipolar etc. It's something you just have to resist and tell to fuck off when it comes around. "I'm fine, and thats it" is my way of cutting it off before it makes me panic.

The longer you resist or perform compulsions in your head , the longer the Pure O will go on. Here's a relatively full list of possible compulsions, I'm sure you do some of these. It's awful suffering when you need to get rid of the compulsions, because they let you reason with the thoughts and give some type of temporary relief, but it must be done to break the cycle. My therapist told me that getting rid of the compulsions is usually way too overwhelming for people, so it takes months for them to finally find the strength, but by then multiple compulsions take place and it's just harder to get rid of and takes longer, but there's always hope:
Trying to “figure out” why you’re having a certain thought.
Trying to counteract, neutralize, or balance out negative thoughts with positive thoughts.
Trying to forcefully control an obsessive thought.
Trying to “figure out” what type of person you are (e.g., questioning your own morality).
Avoiding certain situations, people, or activities so that you don’t have an obsession.
Reassuring yourself (e.g., telling yourself, “I’d never do that.”).
Postponing certain behaviors or thoughts until “the right time” or until “they feel right.”
Repeating thoughts, phrases, or words in your head.
Repeatedly praying or asking for forgiveness (in a way that is not typical for others who share your faith).
Getting stuck in an OCD doubt/reassurance loop.
Asking questions and seeking reassurance from others.
Over-analyzing one’s own behavior or body and trying to do things “normally.”

[tashhart88]

Il share my story or parts of it, When I was 2/3 my father had testicular cancer my youngest memory's of him was being sick in buckets or bags, I remember he was also an alcoholic and he had to sleep downstairs with my mother Because he couldn't make the stairs at night when he was tired, I slept in there old room but I was very frightened of the house it was creak and you'd hear banging up the stairs, I think a lot of that was imagination because my mother and father made me watch horror films from a toddlers age, my dad almost died of the cancer but thankfully he survived that lot.
I was 4-5 when he got caught drinking and driving with me in the car safe to say he lost his licence, he was an alcoholic until I was around 8 years old.
I had learning difficulties at school and I would get bullied a lot and beaten up that went on for the rest of my school life, I'd refuse to go to school so my mum had to drag me there litterly.
My father had to volunteer there in the end to keep me at school I guess I didn't realise then but I was very emotionally attached to my father, my mother I wasn't close to she used to hit me if I didn't eat my dinner she did that from the age of 5-11. She claimed it was Because she was worried I'd turn out too skinny like my father.
When I turned 12 I started feeling sick when mum made me dinners I was anxious that if I didn't eat them she'd hit me or id be sick, this got out of control before i even realised it and I developed an vomit phobia (which I still struggle with sometimes and now I'm 25) that age it was so terrible I had to hide my food in bags and behind things so it looked like id eaten my dinner otherwise I'd get a hiding off mum, this was bad I lost so much weight by 15 I had no strength, I was doing so badly at school that my parents had to come into to school and discuss putting me into special classes so I could catch up and not be picked on as much, my parents knew I had a problem but refused to acknowledge it they were to old fashioned and never had those problems when they were young.
My Fathers mother didn't help none she didn't like me since I was a small child she claimed that my father was to good for my mother, my fathers side was stuck up (not him he was different), and my mothers side well they were common and come from a travelling back ground, there was a lot of family feuds over the years.
I failed my GCSE's the only one I passed in was Art, I felt stupid I had a smart father and I felt like a let down, but with everything going on inside and outside of school there was no wonder why I failed, I didn't have much support from anyone, I had no siblings due to my dads testicular cancer.

I stayed on for sixth form thinking id do better now I'm older (17), I studied IT (information technology) I didn't enjoy it as much as I thought I would.
I started seeing a child psychologist over my eating issues and vomit phobia he was a nice man and I like it there because I felt like my thoughts and opinions were important, until he left to become a GP, I carried on seeing someone different, I didn't feel comfortable so I stopped going, my GP decided to put me in touch with a dietitian to help me gain weight but to no avail it was a wasted time.
My mother fell pregnant when I was late 16, so she was pregnant when I was seeing my psychologist, I remember thinking I got a baby sister soon to look after I was excited extremely, but nervous too, I thought she'd be a distraction for my problems as well as someone little I can love and who will love me back, I couldn't possibly describe my feelings then, but come August 2003 mum was rushed into hospital the baby had died from a true knot inside the cord, that's rare 1 in 2 million people will have that, it cut off her oxygen and food suply, it's safe to say I was very very upset and got worse now I was worried about my mother and father, myself And I couldn't cope with it my mother lost her baby at 8 months pregnant she had 2 weeks left to go, that hit us hard.
But that wasn't enough no, my dad got throat cancer he was poorly again and this was within 6 months of losing my baby sister, we was all devastated he got cancer back and we supported him the best we could, I got depression and was taking pro-sac because it was to much, my father had his operation luckily he didn't have to have his voice box out, and he was told if he smokes again it could come back as they couldn't get rid of it all, the chemo and radiotherapy didn't kill the whole cancer and it was laying dormant, so he packed up smoking
He loved smoking it was his release I guess.

One day he went to the shop me and mum didn't pay much attention to that he'd packed up smoking over a year by then and I was getting therapy and started eating a lot better and started putting on a lot of weight ( I think the prosac helped a lot), he came home walked through the door half hour later and put a air spray on the side, I looked at mum and asked her what was that about and she said "I think he's smoking again if I find out il go ape" I understood why it made her angry he wasn't supposed to do it again Because the cancer could come back
So one evening I was at home weeks later and my cousin came to see me she asked if she could use the loo so I said yeah of course, and she called me into to loo "tash come here quick" so I ran into to loo and looked down and saw tobacco papers and a roll up down there, I knew It was dads, I think he must of thought he flushed it but it didn't go down.
I caught him smoking at the end of the garden a few times too and I fell out with him I said he was selfish because he might get ill again, he didn't listen.
I was 20 when he got lung cancer he had gone for the scan Because he started coughing to much and had chest pains, first the doctor said it was broken ribs, things go worse quite quickly and he went for the tests on his lungs they lost them the first time and had to re do them, it was confirmed he had lung cancer, but unfortunately it was spreading and was too late the hospital offered him chemo and he took it but they only gave him 6-9 months to live, we had to do his will with him one day (one of the hardest things I ever did), he had a old red Peugeot he wanted to give back to his mother, a few things for me and mum like jewellery and his guitar. Me and mum took turns taking care of him I remember him coughing up a lot of blood that was one Xmas time his last Xmas, he was a proud man and didn't want people looking after him so in the end he got quite snappy and angry, I couldn't blame him anyone would, he died march 1st 2009 on my cousins 2nd birthday, it was a down hill from here on I had lost my best friend my father he was a rock to me, l didn't cope well at all. And ironically enough I was smoking on and off since 17, but I gave up after he died, the car he left his mum went to my other cousin Samantha (Sammy) as she passed her driving test she was 18 and we was quite close considering she lived in Cambridge and the other lot didn't talk to me hardly at all we was making plan to go to South Hampton shopping soon, but in October 2009 I had a phone call from her mum telling me she had a crash in my dad's car and was in hospital for a week on a life support machine but didn't make it, I was devastated she died because she crashed in my dad's car and I was livid I was told a week after her passing about it (I wondered why she wasn't replying to my messages), but I couldn't have a go because it would of been wrong and selfish of me, I never went to her funeral I didn't have enough time or money to get up to Cambridge, that hurt me a lot. Even writing this iv had a few tears.
My fathers mother wanted me to still see what happened so she posted pictures to me of the crash, she hated me that much. Who would do that to there own granddaughter?.

Sammy's brother (Dan, my other cousin) had come down a year later and told me and mum Sammy would be on this tv program called "between life and death" it was on the bbc a program about Cambridgeshire's hospital and the interception to save lives through medicine when it came to brain trauma, (it's on YouTube now). I watched I wasn't prepared to but mum wanted to so I watched it with her and my mums family It was so sad seeing her there like that, I couldn't bare it, still can't now.

Today I spend most my time Asking questions about why they don't want to know me (my fathers side), iv not spoken to them in 3 years and every year I feel like I'm waiting for a card and birthdays or a Xmas card, none of which come, but I did write a letter to my fathers mother asking her why she treated me the way she did, and she never ever replied to me that was 3 years ago.
I'm currently working in a care home, and doing short courses from northbrook iv passed my mental health Nvq, and I enjoy my work there.
I am waiting for One to one CBT to try and tackle my paranoia, I suffer with anxiety and I have a fear of losing people I love and I have abandonment issues, it's no surprise I suffer with those, but il keep looking to the future and hope I can pull myself back up but I have a sucidle cousin I'm worried about Atm, she's now in a mental health hospital so I hope she's getting all the help she needs as I couldn't lose her.

I take every day as each day and some are better then others.
My story doesn't have a happy ending yet but I hope that one day when I tell the story I can say but im finally happy, and doing my dream job. And one day I will. We all will if we keep fighting.
Even my sick cousin.
I shared as much as I can type. There's more but it was to much.
Thank you for reading this.
Tash.

[idk2012ftw]

Maybe you'll never be the same because you haven't told your family yet. My therapist told me the biggest step in full recovery is talking to your loved ones about the thoughts, after they understand the problems your experiencing. Maybe that weight on your chest of not having told those who are their to support you has kept you feeling like something needs to be said or done, or you still feel subconscious guilt because of the thoughts.

Take it as a blessing. I'm not cured, I still get the thoughts, they still put me through hell sometimes. I look beyond that though, because I've tried everything in the world to recover, I'm living a much more satisfying lifestyle. Much more active, looking better, having fun nights almost all the time because I need to keep busy.. Hypochondria is a pain in the ass, I thought I had every mental disorder in the book. At one point I read about how people hear voices and so I went and started talking to myself in my brain and somehow freaked myself out into thinking I was undergoing psychosis or something and I was hearing voices, meanwhile it was just voices I made up myself that I could do with my own voice. Other times I freaked myself out into thinking I had bipolar etc. It's something you just have to resist and tell to fuck off when it comes around. "I'm fine, and thats it" is my way of cutting it off before it makes me panic.

The longer you resist or perform compulsions in your head , the longer the Pure O will go on. Here's a relatively full list of possible compulsions, I'm sure you do some of these. It's awful suffering when you need to get rid of the compulsions, because they let you reason with the thoughts and give some type of temporary relief, but it must be done to break the cycle. My therapist told me that getting rid of the compulsions is usually way too overwhelming for people, so it takes months for them to finally find the strength, but by then multiple compulsions take place and it's just harder to get rid of and takes longer, but there's always hope:
Trying to “figure out” why you’re having a certain thought.
Trying to counteract, neutralize, or balance out negative thoughts with positive thoughts.
Trying to forcefully control an obsessive thought.
Trying to “figure out” what type of person you are (e.g., questioning your own morality).
Avoiding certain situations, people, or activities so that you don’t have an obsession.
Reassuring yourself (e.g., telling yourself, “I’d never do that.”).
Postponing certain behaviors or thoughts until “the right time” or until “they feel right.”
Repeating thoughts, phrases, or words in your head.
Repeatedly praying or asking for forgiveness (in a way that is not typical for others who share your faith).
Getting stuck in an OCD doubt/reassurance loop.
Asking questions and seeking reassurance from others.
Over-analyzing one’s own behavior or body and trying to do things “normally.”

I would tell my family but they just wouldn't understand. I've had some anxiety and panic moments in front of them and they look at me like im crazy and tell me to stop exaggerating and faking. So it would be pointless for me to tell them. I know im better off never telling them about my OCD and just talk to my bestie.

[idk2012ftw]

I'm sorry for all you've been through Tashhart88. Thanks for sharing and I wish the best for you! :)