Extreme self-consciousness about music taste forcing my taste to change?

[selfconscious]

Hi everyone,

So I've dealt with anxiety/depression for a number of years now and one of my main symptoms has been self-consciousness in social situations. Relatively recently I've become very self-conscious about my music taste. When I was growing up, music was always a very important part of my life. I listened to music constantly and learned a couple of instruments. I never felt self-conscious of my music taste. Nor was I particularly proud (to the point of being annoyingly arrogant) about my taste in music. I simply enjoyed the music I enjoyed without thinking too much about why I enjoyed it. Generally speaking I listened to indie/alternative/classic rock, folk, some experimental music, as well as some hip hop. I realize that the "indie" community can be associated with a certain level of pretension. But I like to think I truly liked this music without forcing myself to like it just to be "cool".

Even still, at some point I inevitably came to realize that there exists a distinction between "good" and "bad" music in the critical community and the community of people who like "good" music. A little while ago I listened to a song by a band that I know is considered to be a terrible mainstream band. I ended up liking the song and for the first time felt extremely self-conscious about my liking the song. In the past I always had "guilty pleasures" but I never actually felt guilty about them. I just knew that the song or artist might be a little cheesy or whatever but I still didn't try to hide the fact from myself or others that I liked the song or the artist.

Now, ever after having that ONE experience, where I was by myself listening to a song, and liking it, I somehow decided in my head that I had a terrible taste in music and I only could ever like simple pop music for the masses. Now whenever I hear a new song it's like my brain already decides whether or not I will like it going into the listening experience. And typically the conclusion that my brain makes is that, if it's a poppy song, a song that on a certain level I know to be "bad", I'm going to like it. If the song seems at all experimental or if it's by a band or artist that I know to be "indie" or "artistic" I'll conclude that I'm basically not worthy of liking the song before I've even given it a chance. What's worse is that while I've decided from the outset that the song or artist is too "good" to be enjoyed by me, I simultaneously try and try to make myself like it.

Basically, I've become super analytical about my taste in music to the point where I can't enjoy it anymore. I know this must sound like a very silly and insignificant problem but for whatever reason my brain has latched onto it and I can't seem to shake it. I really would like to be able to listen to music again without any self-aware preconceptions going into it. I'm wondering if anyone has had a similar experience? Not necessarily with music, but with any kind of enjoyment of any aspect of entertainment or life in general? I know that it's possible that my music taste has changed, but I feel like I've really imposed a very self-conscious change on my music taste. I'm not convinced that my entire taste in music could have changed so rapidly over the course of one day. Sorry this post is so long-winded! I look forward to any thoughts on this issue. Thanks

[Ponder]

Long ... Pffft ... that's not a long post ... but it is a very insightful one and I thank you for it. I read it twice. In fact I will read again:

I feel at ease ... picking out of your first paragraph, some acknowledgement pertaining to how music can influence people. I'm curious as to how old you are, as I think Age plays a large part as to how and what we think of Music we endure both it and this world as time passes us by. I am 45 ... although the previous year I did forget my age, thinking myself to be one year older than I was. Hehe:

critical community? That's an interesting term. I wonder what you mean by that? Are you referring to an elite group of citizens - Those that matter? - Size of community base on some hierarchy? - OH - DO YOU MEAN those of us that "think for ourselves" LOL ... that is how I will choose to think of it ... Critical thinkers that are not so easily molded - Those of us less reliant on the need to be constantly under running water or flowing 24/7 ...

Hmmmm ... then the context as you switch from Critical Group to the General group which you term just like "good music" I wonder as I don't know you - BTW -> WELCOME TO THE FORUM. I mean to say whilst not knowing your context and my inability to read as I am sure is clear to others - I will say What is good music can only ever be termed from our own perspective with our own hearts. To say one is good is like saying the other is bad and in the sentence it would appear the the general listen to good whilst the critical thinker listens to bad. Guess What -> That's why I gave up on mainstream music and now find it more amusing than anything else. Music is not the medium it used to be - perhaps on the surface - however it's evolved way beyond what it once was and I deem the general to be nothing more than mindless sheep with no more purpose than a subordinate monkey that thinks it's on the way up.

LOL - this is my morning post and I am long winded. :)

GUILT - arrrr yes ... the term in which you speak here I understand enough for what I care to bare. The need to worship and have heroes I find rather fallible. Perhaps a mentor can be no doubt a good thing, but no more than a parent that teaches what it's young from right or wrong - what it right and wrong - perhaps we should make a song and woo the fold into a new understanding of such things. Why does one like a song an artist or a thing ...

MUSIC - I too learned guitar, harmonica, drums and would like to learn others ... however less complex is my thing. Perhaps a very basic native american Indian flute as those people knew and still know deep in those that have not been exterminated and able to go deep within - HOW TO touch base with simple things and resonate with that ... Instead we modern humans are addicted with our own passions that angst over what style of music we listen to and or what we subscribe to is far more important than the air we pollute.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrr - forgive me friend as Music to me is like a drug that's used to make money, control, and indulge based on distinctions that do more to separate than it does to combine. To me - there is no harmony in that.

WORDS are the first thing I take out of music to make it more acceptable to me - the next is to drop the BS notion of THIS or THAT. In fact - drop the brain that does this thinking - which seperates you from yourself as so clearly expressed in you post. FEEL the music and forget the so called message that often laces such otherwise interesting beats -

But instead - we associate a dress standard - a worshiping standard - a dance standard - a talking standard - LOL - My God - How much BULL SHIT can one tie to this wonderment of brainwashing we term as Music! Indeed - a very very powerful thing. Make the hardest of hard go all soft and gooey - Hmmmm - what are the latest Issues, how can we become famous, how much can we influence - how much can we bang our heads, pop pills and quack like a duck ... Oh No --- "where do I fit! .... "

Oh my - I feel so alive and full of juice - I must, I must go shake my ass and bounce until I have indulged until I have no more sense in which to lust - I must must now slow the pace and or change the disc and present my more sophisticated self - please sir, do take a seat while I go change into something more - NOT MYSELF!

Arrrrr LOL - what a game it all is ... TASTE ... peer group pressure on how to dress, eat, work, play and of course now we have - what music we wish to choose - GUILT - cough cough ...
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Yep - I did and participated in all that crap ... as for Taste - YUK ... I'd rather sit and listen to the homeless man playing his fiddle in the street, minus the romantic BS of contrast of excellence in standard VS the well equipped. Pffft ... people just can't stop with such comparisons and or Distinctions ... There should be no forcing in anything we do, but alas - there it is - entitled like so.

The day I gave up forcing my taste one way or the other, was the day I was set free from the grasp of music and it's misguided influence - I still do however enjoy music for its more beneficial existence - its always been with us before we ever came to think it be. When we put words and thought into such a vibe, was the day we took we gave into our minds.

I've been this way from when I was even young - I love hugging trees, although way back then a little different - to the way I do so now - it's with better taste that now lingers on my tongue - to sit and think of all those sweet and savory things - that exist without such BS standards and or distinctions -

I was blessed with a hard life to help me see many of these things - whilst others say poor you, oh how tough it must be and look at who you have become - I think ... Poor Poor things - oh how blind they be. Right wrong, ignorance, arrogance, guilt shame and on and on, with I must I must prove and resist ...

The masses will go with the beat - the young will play along - taste will change as time goes by -

The hanger ons will vamp up old neurons with songs of old (LOL - how true that one is) - weather inspiration - re ignition - reinvention - Many cling to their youth with a passion seethed in such expectations, standards and distinctions all based on FEAR - fear of growing old and death itself - the yearning to which our taste in music would have us defined - the masses - always drawn in with invested emotion played over and over until the fear becomes so real that not even the old beats of past can save them from that man made manifestation; called TIME!
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I have a taste! ... I have a taste for Bacon and Eggs - Who's coming - Emo's, Head Bangers, Yuppies, Westies, Thrashers, Classical, Hipsters, Bumpkins, Pinkies, thinkers, Analytics, The well to do, Better than others, espresso's ... But I dread to ask the questions - "How you all, like to have your eggs?"

Don't mind me - I'm the egg on the floor - I don't mind though - someone that understands will eventually see and make good use of what's on offer. It's good to be out of ones shell, regardless of how others THINK! ...
http://i181.photobucket.com/albums/x30/davekyn/Egg_Drawing_15_zps394d205f.jpg

No wonder so many people go hungry - perhaps we should write a song it ... one that appeals to the masses ... lalalalalallalalalalala ;)

Srry for long post ... lol ;)

Anytime and again ... welcome to the forum.

[jessed03]

I read this, and I knew as soon as I saw Ponder had posted, that he was gonna nail it.

How old are you selfconscious? I too would like to know. I don't mean that in any kind of patronizing way, I promise. It's just sometimes as you reach late 20s and especially beyond, you sometimes begin to notice that you care less about what people think. You sort of become more accepting of yourself having lived with yourself so long.

It may happen to you.

I know this is an obsession, but it's an obsession that may directly come out of your social anxiety problem.

I understand totally how you feel.

Music has become very judgemental recently. Especially since the release of the iPods, and youtube. It's become very fashionable to like the trendy sounds. To be part of the in crowd.

I was talking to a lady in trendy shoreditch, in London, asking for directions. I was so uncool to her in my white tshirt she didn't even look at me, and shunned me away.

Ponder, how about human kind. Music - something that was meant to be about soul, and expression, and connecting with emotion - one of the purest forms of being - has ended up being used as something used to judge people on, and profit extensively from. Human ugliness knows no bounds. (Sorry OP, just a theme we talked about on a Ponder thread once)

I honestly think being happy with your own company helps you a lot in life. When you're happy spending time alone with yourself, when you enjoy activities that make you feel alive; hobbies, or just enjoying being alive etc. then I think you need less and less from society.

I just sense you may have that problem deep down. Again, I could be so wrong, you can humour me, I won't take offence :)

When you're not searching for things from others - You can let some of the bullshit that comes with that searching, just exist in it's own world away from you. Judgement, people desperate to show off and get attention... That sort of stuff.

I remember having the same problem with girlfriends. Being very eager to fit in, be accepted within their social circle.

I didn't like myself, and I didn't like spending time alone with myself. There was anxiety at the bottom of every decision and obsession I had. Perhaps similar to your obsession with music being cool.

Years later, by fluke, through meditating a lot, and going through the whole mental illness thing, I reached a point where I did enjoy spending time with myself. I enjoyed doing things by myself. I enjoyed time spent alone working on things. I wasn't a loner, but I was happy when alone.

I cared far less about what people thought then. I cared far less about how I dressed, what people thought of my choices. Just, didn't matter, ya know? I didn't want a whole lot from them. It become irrelevant. I just begun doing what felt comfortable.

I just took the parts of society that agreed with me, and turned my back on my lot of the ugliness.

That was quite a nice place to be. I know Ponder talks about this sometimes in his threads.

If I was to suggest something to you, it would be to ask yourself two questions.

What do you want from others?

And are you happy being alone?

If the answer to either is no - well then you have something to explore further, and certain discoveries ready to be made.

If the answer to both is yes. Or even if you've answered some No's above, and just want to treat your problem, them treating it like any other obsession may help.

Label your thought or idea whenever it crops up as an obsession. Say 'This is just an obsession born out of anxiety' ... 'It stems from a dysfunctional part of my brain, and has no relevance' and then swiftly move on from it. Distract yourself from things by turning up the volume, getting really involved in the song, even air guitaring. Do this as much as necessary.

Good luck

And Ponder, I'll have mine Sunny side up :D

[Ponder]

Coming right up :)

[selfconscious]

Hey Ponder and Jessed03,

Thanks for taking the time to respond to my post. Sorry this response took me awhile, hopefully ya'll will still read it and write back if you feel inclined. Yes I think I've realized that for whatever reason, music and my taste in music is where my insecurity with myself manifests. Interestingly, my obsession with fitting in is less with the larger mainstream crowd, i.e. the crowd that generally goes for pop and whatever is on the radio. Instead, and maybe this has to do with the fact that I recently graduated from lib-arts college (I'm in my early 20s, to answer the question) I'm more concerned with liking music that is typically associated with people who don't subscribe to the mainstream. As I mentioned in my earlier post, whenever I hear a song, my brain automatically does this thing where it says to myself, "this song is either a) poppy and mainstream, therefore you will like it because you aren't capable of enjoying more sophisticated types of music... or b) this is too experimental/sophisticated to enjoy. I definitely see residing there in that distinction that my brain is making an insecurity--mostly in comparing myself (negatively) to those of my peers who I deem capable of enjoying the more "sophisticated" types of music. Before I went to college, and really throughout most of school I wasn't concerned with what others thought of my music taste. I listened to some pop, but mostly I listened to alt-rock, college-rock, indie, some rap etc... But since that one incident, when i heard a mainstream song and enjoyed it, I've been obsessing over my taste in music. I don't know why in that one moment this obsession came to the surface. I think that partially it was at a time when my self-esteem was at an all-time-low. I was, in a sense, ready to find a reason to hate myself even more. Since then I've worked a lot on improving my ability to love myself. I've taken to some meditation, and like you mentioned jessed03, spending time alone doing things I enjoy (a meditation of sorts in and of itself).

To answer your questions jessed03:

1. I'm not sure what I want from people. For them to enjoy my company, if not necessarily to want to be best friends with me. I used to be quite social, but went through some depression, loner periods in school, from which I feel I'm still emerging. I want people to be able to get some kind of read on me. In other words, I want my unique personality to shine through (which I know that I have and all people have) and for people to recognize it.

2. I'm much happier being alone now than I used to be, although sometimes it is difficult. This is something I've been working on and I feel I've reached some success.

I have a question for you two, (or anyone else who'd like to join the discussion!)

Do you think that an obsession, like this one with my taste in music, can alter one's natural response to whatever it is they are perceiving (in this case music)?

I understand that we are bound down my preconceptions, even many that we cannot consciously be aware of, but with this very self-aware preconception (worrying about music taste) can it be said that my music taste is at all "natural" in this current state. It sure as hell doesn't feel that way! Oh man I never thought listening to music would be a source of anxiety/worry. It had always been an escape from that in the past!

I look forward to any thoughts/insights into this matter. Thanks all