what'sthe point .....

[amers85]

My "fiance" and I have been having issues and its based on my "issues" I have. We have been together for 5 years, have a 3 year old together, but he won't set a wedding date because my issues haven't been fixed. I don't know what to do or say anymore. I've come to realize that he is probably making this up as an excuse. I'm feeling so depressed behind my happiness and smile, but I don't know how much longer I can fake it. All I want is to be wanted for who I am and not judged. Any advice would be great right now, I'm feeling in a bad dark place.

Thanks
Amy

[Enduronman]

Relationship threads are always the toughest..and that's because you may see things here that you don't want to see friend..
Not wanting to set a wedding date based upon your issues, is complete bullshit and isnt the real reason for the delays and putting it off.
Someone who loved someone, would love them regardless of an "issue"...that's bullshit too. I don't love you today because you're wearing red...
He has other unresolved "issues" himself of some sort..insecurities of some sort or reasons..it is a shitty excuse, because if you were "cured" then there would be another excuse it sounds..
I didn't "want" to marry my second wife either, BUT, it was the right thing to do considering we had a 3 year old together (so we thought)....
Then, 2 more kids, and a shitty marriage later,..I was told by our therapist at the time that "relationships and marriages can not be held together, for the sake of a child"...
He was right, and I moved out...
Now obviously, I have 2 drug addict daughters BUT that isnt because of me..it is because their mother dumped them on my porch, and moved out of State in 07....
Leaving me with 2 little girls..and I did the best I could at raising them too, always there for them but something was missing, a part of them was missing..
The part of them is, their mother's abandonment...and the fact that she taught them 0 motherly skills or anything useful in that regard.
Which is why my oldest has 2 sons, that she does not have custody of, at age 22 and one of them is already 3...I dont see them.

In a dark place? Been there too...pull yourself out of it and figure out what is really best for your 3 year old now....before he get's old enough to "see" what's really going on...

Just some thoughts,..sorry if they're upsetting or unsettling,..that is not my intentions. Only truth.

Try to have a good day Amers!

Enduronman... :)

[amers85]

You're right, I know he also needs to make changes to himself as well. But when he says that I have issues he can't deal with, it makes me feel worthless a lot of the times. I can't change his feelings towards how he feels about my anxiety issues and I'm working on myself right now, doing the best I can.

My son is my everything, he saved me. I don't know where I would be today if I never had him. He is a Godsend to me. We don't do much yelling at each other in front of our son, it's more the lack of emotions he sees between us that I'm afraid he will catch onto.

Thanks for all the kind words :)

[jessed03]

Everybody deserves to be with somebody who wants them.

You're young, you look nice.

I don't have the answer, or even a suggestion, but I liked Emans post.

Hope everything works out for you, cos you deserve it.

[brittany32888]

I'm kind of in a similar situation. In an almost 6 year relationship with an almost 4 year old son. We have been "engaged" for 4 out of those 6. When we were first engaged, he discussed a wedding as if it would've been a short engagement. I let him kinda make the calls because I didn't want him to feel pressure from me. I never wanted to marry someone that didn't want to be married. But he made all the first moves as far as settling down, starting a family, and marriage. So I followed his lead, and now here we are nearly 4 years later... and nothing. We do everything as if we were married, but he doesn't seem all that interested in "doing the deed." And now if I do bring it up(which I try not to) he says that he would just do a ceremony but not a legal marriage. Which he has his reasons I guess, but I can't help but feel that it's just me. After journeying through our relationship and him realizing my severe anxiety, I feel he's uncertain about everything. It's a shitty place to be in for sure. Not too good on the ol' self esteem either.
Just follow your instincts. You know the answer, you may just be afraid to do what you have to.

[NeverToo...Fear]

Sorry you are in a dark place, Amy.

I don't think it's really fair at all for your fiance to wait to set a day simply on the contingency of your issues. Hah, what about his issues? If he loves you, he will accept you as you are in this moment and in your future moments. Maybe you should point out to him what if you guys were already married and then you started having issues? What would he do then? Divorce/separate until you get better? He sounds like he's being ridiculous--And I don't mean to bash your fiance in any way, but dang, his excuse needs working on..

I hope you feel better :)

[tezbag]

In simple you will always have issues. As he will too. It's something you both need to accept and if he really isn't going to on either you or his end. It's time to cut it off.
It sounds like an excuse. My daughters father was the same way. I left him, my daughter is happy and healthy.

[amers85]

Everybody deserves to be with somebody who wants them.

You're young, you look nice.

I don't have the answer, or even a suggestion, but I liked Emans post.

Hope everything works out for you, cos you deserve it.

Thanks, Jesse :)

[amers85]

I'm kind of in a similar situation. In an almost 6 year relationship with an almost 4 year old son. We have been "engaged" for 4 out of those 6. When we were first engaged, he discussed a wedding as if it would've been a short engagement. I let him kinda make the calls because I didn't want him to feel pressure from me. I never wanted to marry someone that didn't want to be married. But he made all the first moves as far as settling down, starting a family, and marriage. So I followed his lead, and now here we are nearly 4 years later... and nothing. We do everything as if we were married, but he doesn't seem all that interested in "doing the deed." And now if I do bring it up(which I try not to) he says that he would just do a ceremony but not a legal marriage. Which he has his reasons I guess, but I can't help but feel that it's just me. After journeying through our relationship and him realizing my severe anxiety, I feel he's uncertain about everything. It's a shitty place to be in for sure. Not too good on the ol' self esteem either.
Just follow your instincts. You know the answer, you may just be afraid to do what you have to.

I'm sorry to hear you're going through a similar situation, it isn't easy, that's for sure. The only reason I stick around is being I have faith in us that things will get better. I know not every relationship is perfect, but I just wish he would accept me for who I am.

I hope things get better for you!

[amers85]

Hope tomorrow is a better day, Amy! :)

Thanks, today is good so far :) Not going to let things bring me down today, hope your day is good!

[amers85]

Sorry you are in a dark place, Amy.

I don't think it's really fair at all for your fiance to wait to set a day simply on the contingency of your issues. Hah, what about his issues? If he loves you, he will accept you as you are in this moment and in your future moments. Maybe you should point out to him what if you guys were already married and then you started having issues? What would he do then? Divorce/separate until you get better? He sounds like he's being ridiculous--And I don't mean to bash your fiance in any way, but dang, his excuse needs working on..

I hope you feel better :)

You are right! I should bring that up to him and see what his answer would be. I don't judge him for having issues with gambling, I try to help him with it instead. But that is just my personality, I care way to much and I'd do anything for anyone out there, especially the ones I love. I'm not feeling so bad today, I guess I'll just try to live day by day and not try to think to much into the future?

Thanks for the reply :)

[amers85]

In simple you will always have issues. As he will too. It's something you both need to accept and if he really isn't going to on either you or his end. It's time to cut it off.
It sounds like an excuse. My daughters father was the same way. I left him, my daughter is happy and healthy.

The thing is, I know he loves me. The situation is just difficult, and I honestly don't see myself without him, ever.

[NeverToo...Fear]

You are right! I should bring that up to him and see what his answer would be. I don't judge him for having issues with gambling, I try to help him with it instead. But that is just my personality, I care way to much and I'd do anything for anyone out there, especially the ones I love. I'm not feeling so bad today, I guess I'll just try to live day by day and not try to think to much into the future?

Thanks for the reply :)

You're welcome :)

I know that feeling of caring too much.. and maybe because we care a lot and don't judge, we kinda expect those feelings in return and when they're not, it's kinda like, wtf? And it hurts more than it should... Day by day; yes, because sometimes that's all you can do.. Good luck to you, Amy and I'm glad that you are not feeling so bad today !!

[brittany32888]

I'm sorry to hear you're going through a similar situation, it isn't easy, that's for sure. The only reason I stick around is being I have faith in us that things will get better. I know not every relationship is perfect, but I just wish he would accept me for who I am. I hope things get better for you!

Being with a person who suffers from anxiety must be nerve racking. You never know what to expect, if saying something will make it worse or if saying nothing will. I hate being trapped in myself, so I can understand how frustrating it can be. I don't doubt that he loves me, but am unsure he knows how. Maybe that is the one question that can't be answered.. How DO you love someone with anxiety? We're the ones with the "issues" yet they are the ones that have to figure everything out, where there place is in all of it. Half the time I don't even know what I need, much less have the ability to explain it to someone else. I guess if the other person is willing to work through everything and not give up. Take responsibility for their part in the problem, and realize you are in it together... Maybe that's the sign that you're less than fairytale relationship has the potential to become amazing.
Does your fiancé do that? Does he speak as if the problems are for the two of you to get through together? Or does he expect you to figure it out alone?
I always ask my bf questions that will force him to speak of the future. Maybe that's manipulative, but it gives me comfort when he says "we" and not "I". It means he has already foreseen my presence in the life he's yet to live.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, ask him the tough questions. You have the right to know if he's planning on contributing to your relationship. Ask if he sees a future between the two of you, one he's willing to help you create. Make him think about what he wants, and if he's willing to push you away because things get tough.
Don't give up, he'll have to pull his head out of his ass eventually. ;)