Why do I let anxiety ruin my life?

[DimpledDevil]

I just spent about an hour typing this big, long, rambling post about all my problems but I just deleted it all because I figured the last thing you all need is to hear someone else's problems.

Anyway I'm new here and I'm diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and depression. My anxiety also makes me extremely paranoid and prevents me from doing a lot of normal, everyday things which are no big deal to most people. Anything having to do with money or just general every day errands sends me into a tailspin and I just can't face it. I procrastinate insanely bad and as a result have really put myself in a bad place both finacially and mentally. I feel really stuck in my current position and I don't know how to break the cycle. All I do know is that I'm either going to completely screw up my whole life (if I haven't already) or drive myself crazy pushing everyone I love away. As it is I live 600 miles away from my family and live all alone.'

I want to move back home but I'm a teacher and feel like I have to stay until the end of the year. I'm just not happy though and I always feel like I'm just inches away from my world to come crashing down and for me to lose it all. I constantly feel judged by others and I don't even feel like I have the strength to go back to work Monday. I just want to disappear from my life here and start over but I can't.

I had in the past seen a therapist for a few sessions. It helped but then my insurance copay went up to $75 a session and. I could no longer afford it. I was also taking 10mg of Citalpram but stopped that as well because I was worried about being able to afford it. I'd like to get some more help but I don't know where to turn to or how to afford it. Someone please assure me that I'm not crazy or stupid or irresponsible?

[jessed03]

You aren't. In fact I think you handle things well. All things considering.

At my worst, I could never had been a teacher. I'd have made all of the kids scared they were having brain tumours or something dumb.

Or we'd have had a class measuring each other's heart rates, and googling if they're normal.

Anxiety 101.

Only, I had OCD too, and hated 2 of something and not 3, so it would have had to have been called Anxiety 111.

But seriously, you won't fall apart, even though it feels that way.

Your subconscious mind will keep you going. DD. Sometimes it's ok to switch off the conscious, and not have everything worked out, and not have to label yourself as productive or successful, or on the right path.

The world won't cave in :)

Have you ever driven home, or walked somewhere, and arrived, and thought wow... Home already... I don't remember any of the journey!..?

That's cos your subconscious mind takes care of keeping you safe and alive. Thank god really, or we'd get distracted and forget to breathe.

If you wanna be more in tune with yourself, and go in a direction that makes you happier, you've got to pass a lot of that control off to your subconscious, and then stop blocking it with conscious chatter.

There are some ways to do that. CBT and meditation the two best. The latter is free.

I know that's not easy.

As you get closer to that way of being though, resting more from your subconscious,,rather than your conscious, you'll feel freer. I imagine that's why you're looking for?

I guess that's what people call being true to yourself.

Makes sense.

You just have to be true to yourself, not do true to yourself.

That's the trick. It all starts to go into place for you when you let go, and let it happen.

With anxiety and depression that is incredibly hard though, so it becomes a task of taking down barriers.

You say you feel stuck, that's cos some things have to change. Not just outside in your life, that's pretty obvious, but inside too.

Inside your mind you seem stuck. To me, at least.

You need freeing up.

I don't think you let anxiety ruin your life. I think you've just gotten in your own way :)

It'll take time, but when you're in that place, life will just work better for you.

I mean let's see where to begin, tell me a bit about yourself? How did your problems start? What good things do you have in your life at the moment?

[jessed03]

Antidepressants should help you a lot too if you can get some. I don't know whether that's a possibility.

Situations like yours are the reason they're prescribed really, to help steady things.

[DimpledDevil]

Thanks for the kind words Jess. I always had issues with self-esteem and depression as a teenager but my parents thought it was just a phase. The anxiety didn't really start bad until after college when I graduated and couldn't find a teaching job. For over 3 years I substitute taught and waited tables all the whole hearing horror stories of 3,000 applicants for just one teaching position. I had zero confidence and was unable to pay my student loans since I never knew how much money I was going to make each month.

Then 4 years ago I made the drastic decision to move 600 miles away because I had a lead on a position down here. I moved on my own and at first it was liberating for a few months. Then all of a sudden terrifying. Even though I finally had a steady job I was also now responsible for rent, groceries, an electric and heating bill and all that jazz as well as my car payment, insurance, gas and the other bills that I swore I was going to start paying off once I had the money to do so. I soon realized that I was living paycheck to paycheck. The month my debit card was declined a week before pay day trying to buy my sister a Christmas gift and realizing that I had $12 left to my name sent me into a full blown panic. From then on I worry constantly about not having enough money to eat or to have the gas to come to work. I panic about not being able to pay something essential and having my car repoed my electric turned off or being evicted even though these are the bills I pay first.

I'm paranoid that I'll never get out of debt and somehow my creditors will find me and tell me how pathetic and what a low life I am for not paying my bills. I beat myself more than they ever could about it. I feel guilty that I let myself get this bad and guilty that my parents still pay for my cell phone when I should be taking care of them. I don't go out because I feel guilty spending money on myself. I need new clothes because I've lost about two pants sizes but I feel like I can't afford to. I need a hair cut and my eyebrows done but I put it off in case I need the money.

All the time I keep telling myself that I'm just one step away from complete disaster and I anticipate that every move I make is going to be the one that sets the chain reaction in place that causes me to not be able to get to work, which causes me to lose my job, then get evicted for not paying my rent, forcing me back home with nothing to my name and for my parents to think I'm completely irresponsible. In a way it's almost like living a double life.

So yea... That's basically my story.

[DimpledDevil]

I mean let's see where to begin, tell me a bit about yourself? How did your problems start? What good things do you have in your life at the moment?

Well I also suffered from self-esteem issues and depression throughout my childhood and teen years. I begged my parents to let me see a therapist but they thought I was being overdramatic. I clashed with them throughout college (I lived at home) but the anxiety didn't really start so much until after college when I couldn't find a teaching job. Everyone and their mother want to be teachers in NY, so it really got me depressed hearing about how over 1,000 applicants would apply for one teaching position and the drawers that some districts kept of stacks of unread resumes. At the time, I was substitute teaching sometimes only 1 day a week and waiting tables at night and weekends. I couldn't afford to pay my looming student loans and instead of requesting a defferement I panicked and did nothing... I really felt like a failure and was pretty lost about how someone with a 3.8 GPA couldn't even find a job post college.

Finally after 3 1/2 years I accepted a teaching position in another state 600 miles south. It sucked leaving my family, but I had to start my career and I was certain that once the money started pouring in I'd be okay. I thought I'd meet myself a nice Southern gentleman, get married, and live happily ever after.

The first 6 months or so were liberating. It was nice to have my own place and finally using my college degree. Unfortunately, I hadn't realized how little my salary went once I factored in rent, groceries, electricity, heat, car payments, car insurance, buying furniture and household items, and half a dozen other bills I was definitely going to start paying which I had previously neglected. I depleted all of my savings and had to readjust some things just to live pay check to pay check for the past year and a half. Everything has gone up besides my pay check as I live in one of the lowest paid states for teachers. Living so meagerly has taken its toll on me. Every month I pray that I have enough money at the end of the month for food or gas to get to work. I began to question why I was living this way when I had made it a point to go to college so I wouldn't have to.

So that's when the anxiety and the paranoia started. I felt like I was drowning even though somehow I made it month to month. I made sure not to spend a penny more than my absolute necessary bills. To this day I feel guilty about spending money and worry that if I get a haircut or buy myself a new sweater that I'm going to send myself into bankruptcy. I live my life constantly fearing the one disaster thats going to cause me to miss a car payment, get my car repoed so I can't go to work, lose my job, and then have to come crawling home with nothing. A part of me knows I'm being irrational, but I can't stop. I'm terrified to look at my bank account. Half my mail winds up in the garbage unopened...

It doesn't help that I am all alone here. I have a couple that I'm close friends with who lives 20 min away but they just had a baby and have their mother living with them. They have their own life and I'm embarassed to ask them for help. I have work aquaintences but at the end of the day they go home to their families and I go home alone. Most people around here my age are already married with 2 or 3 kids. There's not much of a social scene here and I just don't feel like I fit in or have common interests with most people from around here. It's like a whole different culture. Being alone in a small rural town and I'm used to the anonymity of a large city or suburb has made me increasingly paranoid that people someone is always watching me and if I mess up it'll be front page news.

I guess the positives in my life are my family although I am very scared that they'd be mad at me if I screwed things up down here. I also do have two or three close friends back home. I have also recently started a semi-relationship with a guy back home. I say semi because we've been talking for months but have only been out a few times when I was home for Christmas. He seems pretty hooked on me, but I live in constant fear of him realizing how crazy I am and running for the hills.

So I guess that's about it in a nutshell. My crazy life.