crmac50
03-13-2014, 08:44 PM
Hello everyone. I needed a place to share my story, and this seems like as good place for it. It's a bit long, but for those of you who are feeling like your suffering alone, or that you're having weird or strange symptoms that nobody else could possibly be having, I can assure you—I've been there. Anxiety symptoms can be truly awful, and it depresses me knowing that anybody else has had to endure any of the things I've experienced. I would not wish it on my worst enemy.
I'm 29 years old, I recently graduated from law school, passed the bar, and got admitted as a lawyer. I have many friends, a family that loves me, and the respect of my peers. In the past year, I've reached numerous milestones that should have made this among the happiest times of my life. Right now, I should be embarking on an exciting new phase of my life—starting a new career doing something that I love.
But I'm not. The joy of these moments has been stolen from me by an Anxiety Disorder. It is something that has come to rule over my life in ways that I never thought imaginable.
Until I was in my early 20's, I'd never experienced "clinical" Anxiety. Most people who have struggled with Anxiety know that there's a difference between "normal" Anxiety and "clinical" Anxiety. Everybody gets normal Anxiety. Normal Anxiety might be what you feel when you get a little nervous before a job interview or an exam. It is the feeling of anticipation you get in your stomach before going to see a concert by one of your favorite bands. It is the excitement you feel before a first date. These are all completely normal reactions to life that everybody has. Sometimes they're uncomfortable, but under ordinary circumstances, they don't prevent you from functioning. More importantly, they don't cause the body of an otherwise healthy person to start shutting down.
The first time I experienced "clinical" Anxiety happened when I was 23 years old. I was finishing my last year of undergrad. I slept very little, and consumed energy drinks on a daily basis because I didn't like drinking coffee. One morning, I arrived for a 6am shift at the gas station where I worked. I was dead-tired, as usual. I purchased a 5-hour energy shot and drank it. I still felt tired. So I bought a "Java Monster" energy drink and starting drinking it. After finishing about half of it, I started feeling very strange—almost like I was going to pass out. I'd never experienced anything like it.
For the next few weeks, everything felt...strange. I felt like I was looking at the world through a veil. I constantly felt dizzy, anxious, and had the shakes all the time. When I talked to people, it felt like I wasn't talking a real person, but to a "mask" of sorts (I later learned that this is called derealization). I would have scary mood swings where I'd get irrationally angry at everyday occurrences, I thought I was going crazy. Over time though, my symptoms faded away.
In October 2010, I had a relapse. I woke up, and was experiencing strange visual symptoms (which I later identified as "visual snow"). All my Anxiety symptoms returned—the constant dizziness, the shakiness, the persistent "fight-or-flight" feeling. Two weeks later my ears started ringing (which I later learned is called Tinnitus). It was loud. It was unlike anything I'd ever experienced before. I'd had Tinnitus before from going to loud concerts and playing music in a band. But that kind of Tinnitus is usually just one simple, dull tone that resonates in your ears and fades over time. What I was hearing now wasn't one dull tone—it was many different tones, all buzzing and ringing at the same time. Some of them were persistent, others would wax and wane. It remains, to this day, one of the most distressing things I've ever experienced.
The Tinnitus was followed by more symptoms that I'd never experienced before. My neck began to tense up and felt sore all the time. I'd feel random tingling sensations and partial numbness my scalp, face, and lips. Sometimes I'd experience the taste of metal in my mouth. I'd get sudden, brief dizzy spells where I'd lose my sense of balance for a second. Sometimes I'd be sitting in a chair and feel like my body was moving, almost like there was a mild earthquake. While lying in bed, I'd sometimes get the feeling that my body was being moved by an ocean wave. Sometimes I'd close my eyes and feel like I was starting to float away. I'd have these strange mental states where I felt like I was in a dream, and it was difficult to understand people. It was very distressing and extremely uncomfortable, to say the least. After about six months of struggling with various docs & meds, I found Lexapro. stayed on it for 6 weeks, and then stopped. After that, my symptoms seem to fade away. Eventually, my Tinnitus went away. I can't pinpoint the exact time that I felt "better." I just know that by the Summer of 2011, I was feeling healthy and happy.
In April of 2013, I went to see my GP about a urological issue I was having. While I was there, I asked him about getting back on anxiety medication because I was graduating from law school soon, would be studying for the Bar Exam, so I knew I was going to be under heavy loads of stress. Though I'd been feeling good for a long time, I wanted to be pro-active. I mentioned to him that brand-name Lexapro was the only drug that ever seemed to work for me. He told me there was a generic version of it out now. He prescribed me the generic version. Later that night, I took half a pill. I didn't want to ramp up too fast because I knew my history with generic anxiety meds.
That night, I had the worst panic attack of my life. For some reason, I had a terrible reaction to the generic Lexapro. That's when my nightmare began anew. Needless to say, many of the symptoms I described above returned. A few days later, while I was sitting in an office talking to some friend, the Tinnitus came back. It was like someone just flipped on a switch in my brain. At that point, it became clear that I wasn't going to be able to ride this out for a few weeks and recover. It was a full-blown relapse.
Since then, I have been struggling to regain my health. I'm symptomatic everyday. I tried getting back on the Lexapro, but it didn't seem to work for me the way it did before. I've tried other medications without much success. There's still tons of medications out there to try, but as I'm sure many of you know, often you need to be on these meds for at least 30 days before you notice a benefit. And sometimes, you need to make a judgment call about whether the side effects of the drugs are worth riding out to see if you're going to get a benefit from them. Other times, I'm afraid to take a drug because I'm worried it will make my symptoms worse. Sometimes this becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, leaving me confused and regretful, wondering if I had a bad reaction to a medication because I brought it on myself, or because the meds really did make my symptoms worse.
I've been at this now for almost a year. Anxiety has ruined my life. I had to quit working because the physical symptoms of my anxiety were so disruptive that I couldn't work productively. I'm now unemployed and depending on friends, family, and public assistance for my needs. I've had to turn down two job offers because I knew that physically, I was incapable of handling them. I constantly have to avoid or reschedule social plans because I don't feel well enough to attend. I've lost touch with some of my friends and a few professional contacts as a result.
Emotionally, this has been the most challenging and traumatic period of my life I've ever experienced. I've spent entire days completely overwhelmed by my symptoms, sobbing and crying alone in my house because I was in agony and I didn't know how else to react to what was happening to my body. But it's not just the symptoms of the Anxiety that get me down. It's all the missed the opportunities. It's the isolation—the fact that you stop being able to confide in your friends about your problems because it's the same problem you've been dealing with for months, and it gets old after awhile. It's feeling like I'm always sick and everybody around me seems happy and healthy. It's the sheer length of time that I've wasted trying to get back to normal. It's all the times that I feel like I might be getting better, and then something happens, and I'm back to square one. It's the fact that I feel like I've just been existing for almost a year—not living, but just waiting to get better. Quite honestly, I haven't enjoyed a single day of my life for almost a year now. And it's worn me down in a very big way. To say that I'm depressed...well, you know how it goes.
Right now, I'm not sure where to go. At this point, I think I'm going back to my GP and asking him about going back on Lexapro but increasing the dose (from 10 to 20mg's). That's what he suggested to me originally when I told him I wasn't getting the same results with Lexapro that I did a couple years ago. I opted to try different meds though, because I was worried about taking too much of any one drug. I talked to my brother however (he's in nursing school), and he said that he's seen doses of Lexapro as high as 75mg, and to not worry too much about a 20mg dose. So I think that's the next thing I'm going to try.
Anyway, thanks for listening. If you are a person for whom Anxiety has stolen your life from you, just know that you're not alone. I'm still trying to dig my way out. I know that I've beaten this thing before and gone back to living a normal life. But the solutions that worked for me previously don't seem to be working for me this time. Hopefully one day I will figure it out. And I hope you do too.
I'm 29 years old, I recently graduated from law school, passed the bar, and got admitted as a lawyer. I have many friends, a family that loves me, and the respect of my peers. In the past year, I've reached numerous milestones that should have made this among the happiest times of my life. Right now, I should be embarking on an exciting new phase of my life—starting a new career doing something that I love.
But I'm not. The joy of these moments has been stolen from me by an Anxiety Disorder. It is something that has come to rule over my life in ways that I never thought imaginable.
Until I was in my early 20's, I'd never experienced "clinical" Anxiety. Most people who have struggled with Anxiety know that there's a difference between "normal" Anxiety and "clinical" Anxiety. Everybody gets normal Anxiety. Normal Anxiety might be what you feel when you get a little nervous before a job interview or an exam. It is the feeling of anticipation you get in your stomach before going to see a concert by one of your favorite bands. It is the excitement you feel before a first date. These are all completely normal reactions to life that everybody has. Sometimes they're uncomfortable, but under ordinary circumstances, they don't prevent you from functioning. More importantly, they don't cause the body of an otherwise healthy person to start shutting down.
The first time I experienced "clinical" Anxiety happened when I was 23 years old. I was finishing my last year of undergrad. I slept very little, and consumed energy drinks on a daily basis because I didn't like drinking coffee. One morning, I arrived for a 6am shift at the gas station where I worked. I was dead-tired, as usual. I purchased a 5-hour energy shot and drank it. I still felt tired. So I bought a "Java Monster" energy drink and starting drinking it. After finishing about half of it, I started feeling very strange—almost like I was going to pass out. I'd never experienced anything like it.
For the next few weeks, everything felt...strange. I felt like I was looking at the world through a veil. I constantly felt dizzy, anxious, and had the shakes all the time. When I talked to people, it felt like I wasn't talking a real person, but to a "mask" of sorts (I later learned that this is called derealization). I would have scary mood swings where I'd get irrationally angry at everyday occurrences, I thought I was going crazy. Over time though, my symptoms faded away.
In October 2010, I had a relapse. I woke up, and was experiencing strange visual symptoms (which I later identified as "visual snow"). All my Anxiety symptoms returned—the constant dizziness, the shakiness, the persistent "fight-or-flight" feeling. Two weeks later my ears started ringing (which I later learned is called Tinnitus). It was loud. It was unlike anything I'd ever experienced before. I'd had Tinnitus before from going to loud concerts and playing music in a band. But that kind of Tinnitus is usually just one simple, dull tone that resonates in your ears and fades over time. What I was hearing now wasn't one dull tone—it was many different tones, all buzzing and ringing at the same time. Some of them were persistent, others would wax and wane. It remains, to this day, one of the most distressing things I've ever experienced.
The Tinnitus was followed by more symptoms that I'd never experienced before. My neck began to tense up and felt sore all the time. I'd feel random tingling sensations and partial numbness my scalp, face, and lips. Sometimes I'd experience the taste of metal in my mouth. I'd get sudden, brief dizzy spells where I'd lose my sense of balance for a second. Sometimes I'd be sitting in a chair and feel like my body was moving, almost like there was a mild earthquake. While lying in bed, I'd sometimes get the feeling that my body was being moved by an ocean wave. Sometimes I'd close my eyes and feel like I was starting to float away. I'd have these strange mental states where I felt like I was in a dream, and it was difficult to understand people. It was very distressing and extremely uncomfortable, to say the least. After about six months of struggling with various docs & meds, I found Lexapro. stayed on it for 6 weeks, and then stopped. After that, my symptoms seem to fade away. Eventually, my Tinnitus went away. I can't pinpoint the exact time that I felt "better." I just know that by the Summer of 2011, I was feeling healthy and happy.
In April of 2013, I went to see my GP about a urological issue I was having. While I was there, I asked him about getting back on anxiety medication because I was graduating from law school soon, would be studying for the Bar Exam, so I knew I was going to be under heavy loads of stress. Though I'd been feeling good for a long time, I wanted to be pro-active. I mentioned to him that brand-name Lexapro was the only drug that ever seemed to work for me. He told me there was a generic version of it out now. He prescribed me the generic version. Later that night, I took half a pill. I didn't want to ramp up too fast because I knew my history with generic anxiety meds.
That night, I had the worst panic attack of my life. For some reason, I had a terrible reaction to the generic Lexapro. That's when my nightmare began anew. Needless to say, many of the symptoms I described above returned. A few days later, while I was sitting in an office talking to some friend, the Tinnitus came back. It was like someone just flipped on a switch in my brain. At that point, it became clear that I wasn't going to be able to ride this out for a few weeks and recover. It was a full-blown relapse.
Since then, I have been struggling to regain my health. I'm symptomatic everyday. I tried getting back on the Lexapro, but it didn't seem to work for me the way it did before. I've tried other medications without much success. There's still tons of medications out there to try, but as I'm sure many of you know, often you need to be on these meds for at least 30 days before you notice a benefit. And sometimes, you need to make a judgment call about whether the side effects of the drugs are worth riding out to see if you're going to get a benefit from them. Other times, I'm afraid to take a drug because I'm worried it will make my symptoms worse. Sometimes this becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, leaving me confused and regretful, wondering if I had a bad reaction to a medication because I brought it on myself, or because the meds really did make my symptoms worse.
I've been at this now for almost a year. Anxiety has ruined my life. I had to quit working because the physical symptoms of my anxiety were so disruptive that I couldn't work productively. I'm now unemployed and depending on friends, family, and public assistance for my needs. I've had to turn down two job offers because I knew that physically, I was incapable of handling them. I constantly have to avoid or reschedule social plans because I don't feel well enough to attend. I've lost touch with some of my friends and a few professional contacts as a result.
Emotionally, this has been the most challenging and traumatic period of my life I've ever experienced. I've spent entire days completely overwhelmed by my symptoms, sobbing and crying alone in my house because I was in agony and I didn't know how else to react to what was happening to my body. But it's not just the symptoms of the Anxiety that get me down. It's all the missed the opportunities. It's the isolation—the fact that you stop being able to confide in your friends about your problems because it's the same problem you've been dealing with for months, and it gets old after awhile. It's feeling like I'm always sick and everybody around me seems happy and healthy. It's the sheer length of time that I've wasted trying to get back to normal. It's all the times that I feel like I might be getting better, and then something happens, and I'm back to square one. It's the fact that I feel like I've just been existing for almost a year—not living, but just waiting to get better. Quite honestly, I haven't enjoyed a single day of my life for almost a year now. And it's worn me down in a very big way. To say that I'm depressed...well, you know how it goes.
Right now, I'm not sure where to go. At this point, I think I'm going back to my GP and asking him about going back on Lexapro but increasing the dose (from 10 to 20mg's). That's what he suggested to me originally when I told him I wasn't getting the same results with Lexapro that I did a couple years ago. I opted to try different meds though, because I was worried about taking too much of any one drug. I talked to my brother however (he's in nursing school), and he said that he's seen doses of Lexapro as high as 75mg, and to not worry too much about a 20mg dose. So I think that's the next thing I'm going to try.
Anyway, thanks for listening. If you are a person for whom Anxiety has stolen your life from you, just know that you're not alone. I'm still trying to dig my way out. I know that I've beaten this thing before and gone back to living a normal life. But the solutions that worked for me previously don't seem to be working for me this time. Hopefully one day I will figure it out. And I hope you do too.