RedRidingHood
03-13-2014, 04:53 PM
I'm really sorry if this seems like some melodramatic teen's whining. Maybe I'm blowing all my problems out of proportion here. I just really need to talk to somebody right now. I realize that what I'm experiencing might not be anxiety or depression, but I would really like someone's opinion on this.
So I'm known by my friends as a hypochondriac. I frequently diagnose myself with horrible diseases or conditions (retinal detachment, rabies, brain cancer, pancreatic cancer, every type of cancer in fact, sometimes I freak out and think I'm going to die without any disease in mind) and spend a period of time just worrying about what will happen to me and trying to prepare myself for death. Most recently, I noticed a mole on my thigh that seemed to have gotten bigger and was growing in an irregular shape, so I began to search it up and realized it was a sign of melanoma. I began reading stories on people whose friends and family have died of cancer, but what really hit me was when I was reading some written by victims of cancer, who knew they didn't have much time left. For some reason, I couldn't stop reading. And it really, really depressed me and made me cry because these people were going to die, and every day there are people in this world knowing they will die. And I never realized until now.
And it scared me because I really believed I was one of these people. I mean I'm 14, you know? I'm not ready to die.
But my parents brought me to a doctor, who told me it was fine, only to come back if it became larger than the back of a pencil.
Ever since then, I've been feeling like my emotions are all weird. At first I thought I was depressed, because I kept questioning the point in life if everyone was going to die. I'm not religious, so I've never really believed in an afterlife anyway, but I wasn't as happy as I usually was. And it scared me to think that I was feeling so down, because what if I would stay like that forever?
But I still laugh and get angry on cue. I just don't feel those things as strongly as I used to. My senses, too, seem a little dulled. It's like my body and my mind are on different wavelengths now. I'm not sure if what I'm feeling is happiness or not, and if I try to remember what anger is like I can't seem to. I'm not sure if I'm feeling anything anymore. Sometimes I get all tensed up like I want to cry but I can't, and sometimes I cry so much for no reason. My mind is just a big mess at times, and at others, empty.
Does this sound like an actual issue or is it just hormones or something I'm just overreacting about?
So I'm known by my friends as a hypochondriac. I frequently diagnose myself with horrible diseases or conditions (retinal detachment, rabies, brain cancer, pancreatic cancer, every type of cancer in fact, sometimes I freak out and think I'm going to die without any disease in mind) and spend a period of time just worrying about what will happen to me and trying to prepare myself for death. Most recently, I noticed a mole on my thigh that seemed to have gotten bigger and was growing in an irregular shape, so I began to search it up and realized it was a sign of melanoma. I began reading stories on people whose friends and family have died of cancer, but what really hit me was when I was reading some written by victims of cancer, who knew they didn't have much time left. For some reason, I couldn't stop reading. And it really, really depressed me and made me cry because these people were going to die, and every day there are people in this world knowing they will die. And I never realized until now.
And it scared me because I really believed I was one of these people. I mean I'm 14, you know? I'm not ready to die.
But my parents brought me to a doctor, who told me it was fine, only to come back if it became larger than the back of a pencil.
Ever since then, I've been feeling like my emotions are all weird. At first I thought I was depressed, because I kept questioning the point in life if everyone was going to die. I'm not religious, so I've never really believed in an afterlife anyway, but I wasn't as happy as I usually was. And it scared me to think that I was feeling so down, because what if I would stay like that forever?
But I still laugh and get angry on cue. I just don't feel those things as strongly as I used to. My senses, too, seem a little dulled. It's like my body and my mind are on different wavelengths now. I'm not sure if what I'm feeling is happiness or not, and if I try to remember what anger is like I can't seem to. I'm not sure if I'm feeling anything anymore. Sometimes I get all tensed up like I want to cry but I can't, and sometimes I cry so much for no reason. My mind is just a big mess at times, and at others, empty.
Does this sound like an actual issue or is it just hormones or something I'm just overreacting about?