relationship advice please

[KIKI74]

Good morning, with a bit of soul searching I came to realised that I have had anxiety for now close to 20 years and I am struggling to keep healthy relationships with men. The longest relationship was 4 years and a half and I have a son with him. The others mostly 1 year or 1.5 years at the most.

I tend to follow this pattern

spend a lot of time with the person consecutively (say 3 weeks-1 month) then I pull away and feel smothered.
I find faults and get annoyed easily by small things
I want sex a lot in the beginning but it fades very fast


I wonder if its because my relationship is not healthy or that anxiety/depression makes you act this way.

any other folks that have had this issue?

many thanks

[KIKI74]

I tend to be anxious about committment. He wants us to get married and move in together. but I NEED to have my alone time and cannot imagine living with someone. makes me soo anxious

[NixonRulz]

Good morning, with a bit of soul searching I came to realised that I have had anxiety for now close to 20 years and I am struggling to keep healthy relationships with men. The longest relationship was 4 years and a half and I have a son with him. The others mostly 1 year or 1.5 years at the most.

I tend to follow this pattern

spend a lot of time with the person consecutively (say 3 weeks-1 month) then I pull away and feel smothered.
I find faults and get annoyed easily by small things
I want sex a lot in the beginning but it fades very fast


I wonder if its because my relationship is not healthy or that anxiety/depression makes you act this way.

any other folks that have had this issue?

many thanks

That seems pretty normal to me

You liked one guy a lot and stayed with him for a good while

Others you found that they weren't right for you

When it is new, sure you want to spend every minute with them

Same with sleeping with them. Can't keep your hands off of them and then the newness fades a bit and you get a little bored

The one right person will make you feel different

Most guys are jackasses, so if I was a girl, I could understand why it would take a good while to find the right one

[needtogetwell]

I tend to be anxious about committment. He wants us to get married and move in together. but I NEED to have my alone time and cannot imagine living with someone. makes me soo anxious

When the right man comes along you won't have the anxiety, it will just feel right .

Until then, there is nothing wrong with you needing your space!

Good luck !

[KIKI74]

Thanks all for your kind words. Saw my psychologist and she said that its not anxiety doing this. I just have a personality that needs. Lot of space and time for herself. She said that there are many types of couples and we don't have to fall into one model. Good to know! Expect BF didn't agree about my "need". Doc also said that i have an avoidance type.

[KIKI74]

Frankiecfc: no worries at all, didn't see anything wrong with your post!

[KIKI74]

she was bang on! its hard when we don't fit in the regular model of relationships.. according to society, we must date, move in , marry and have 2.5 kids with white picket fence....so far, I have my own house, 1 child (2 if you count my ex!!!) and one dog. Fence not yet stained so might paint it white!

[Dahila]

That seems pretty normal to me

You liked one guy a lot and stayed with him for a good while

Others you found that they weren't right for you

When it is new, sure you want to spend every minute with them

Same with sleeping with them. Can't keep your hands off of them and then the newness fades a bit and you get a little bored

The one right person will make you feel different

Most guys are jackasses, so if I was a girl, I could understand why it would take a good while to find the right one

I wanted to say it, many woman go through it, when you do not love the guy, you get bored, :)) Obviously you had not meet the right one, when you do all doubts will go, and you will not be scared to make a commitment.

[KIKI74]

could be but for me this has been the case for many many years. I loved my son's father...but always kept finding faults in everything. the eternal glass half empty syndrome

[Michael p]

I wish I could help. It is nice to see this post, as I have been running this through my mind often lately. Am married with 2 daughters, (11 & 14), and I can tell you that anxiety does and has had an effect on my relationship between my wife and I, and I can see and feel the changes in my daughters because of it. Things seem to be "ok", but the disconnect between my wife and I is ridiculous, and I feel as if we both fake a lot much of the time, (and I'm not talking sex). The crazy thing is, it's really no ones fault. so what do you do? Again, I HATE to see anyone else suffering from this junk, but it is nice to see that there is some common ground here, because no "normal" people around me understand a damn thing, and it seems not even worth the effort to try to explain it any longer. Take care!!

[riclee7]

I wouldn't even class this as unnatural behaviour. I understand your reluctancy to move in with someone due to liking your own space. I love having my own space and had the same fears, but if you find the right person, you'll find you can live together and both Still get the alone time needed.

When your in a long term relationship no matter what every relationship goes through a dry spell. You don't stop loving the person but you go through spells of disconnection and lower sex drive. One moment can rekindle the old spark, and if your partner is capable of that one moment you know they are in the potential 'long term' category. There's a quote I have read and quite like... 'Its not about finding the perfect person, it's about finding an imperfect person perfect' bang on! No one is perfect and you will find little annoyances. If you can learn to live with them or even find them funny, your onto a winner. I wish you luck on finding someone that's right for you. It will happen, hardest thing is having the patience to find them... Ramble complete. :)

-Ric

[KIKI74]

nice quote. I actually requested a week long break from him to reallly understand the core of the issue. I was having a major anxiety flare up just thinking of seeing him....that cannot be normal