Need advice

[Desperate77]

Good morning,

My boyfried is battling anxiety for a few months now. He had a big panic episode in November, went to the doctor, they prescribed medication, he felt like a zombie, drop it midway and seemed to (or so he said) be handling it sort of well.

Last week I started to notice the tell signs: his rashes increased of frequency (he never completely lost them), he started dozing on the sofá every night after dinner, he was skipping lunch because he "wasn't very hungry".

Last night he had another full blown panic attack. It was quicker than the other one, I think because this time he knew what is was, but as intense.

He overworks himself, isolates from the world, is not running (he's favourite sport) and most of all is constately depressed.

My problem?! He's not doing anything about it. He just keeps going deeper and deeper, while ignoring he has a serious problem.

I'm a hands on kind of girl. I've been through tough times in life, and I overcome some serious difficulties, but I confess I don't understand this depression thing. I might have been depressed at some point (believe me I'm an up and down kind of person) but I never let go of my goals and of my life. I'm rational to the point of crazyness.

I confess I don't have the smallest notion of what he's going through and don't even know the best way to aprouch it.

Do you have any suggestions? How can I make him see he needs to make some changes in his life and start taking care of his mental health?

Thanks in advance.

[needtogetwell]

Good morning, My boyfried is battling anxiety for a few months now. He had a big panic episode in November, went to the doctor, they prescribed medication, he felt like a zombie, drop it midway and seemed to (or so he said) be handling it sort of well. Last week I started to notice the tell signs: his rashes increased of frequency (he never completely lost them), he started dozing on the sofá every night after dinner, he was skipping lunch because he "wasn't very hungry". Last night he had another full blown panic attack. It was quicker than the other one, I think because this time he knew what is was, but as intense. He overworks himself, isolates from the world, is not running (he's favourite sport) and most of all is constately depressed. My problem?! He's not doing anything about it. He just keeps going deeper and deeper, while ignoring he has a serious problem. I'm a hands on kind of girl. I've been through tough times in life, and I overcome some serious difficulties, but I confess I don't understand this depression thing. I might have been depressed at some point (believe me I'm an up and down kind of person) but I never let go of my goals and of my life. I'm rational to the point of crazyness. I confess I don't have the smallest notion of what he's going through and don't even know the best way to aprouch it. Do you have any suggestions? How can I make him see he needs to make some changes in his life and start taking care of his mental health? Thanks in advance.

Good morning Desperate!

I understand your concerns and desire to help him. It's what we do with the ones we love.

Trouble with depression and other mental health issues is that no one can make them see that they need to seek help or start to take care of their mental health. They need to see this for themselves. That is the first step to getting well.

You can encourage him and love him but the realization has to come from him.

Unless he is suicidal or in imminent danger of hurting himself or others, a forced intervention is not likely to be helpful.

Some people simply need to hit rock bottom before they are ready to claw their way back to the surface.

It's tough to stand by him and watch it happen. All I can suggest is that you support him unconditionally and be there for him when he's had enough and ready to start his journey back.

Thinking of you!
Cheers'

[Desperate77]

Good morning Desperate!

I understand your concerns and desire to help him. It's what we do with the ones we love.

Trouble with depression and other mental health issues is that no one can make them see that they need to seek help or start to take care of their mental health. They need to see this for themselves. That is the first step to getting well.

You can encourage him and love him but the realization has to come from him.

Unless he is suicidal or in imminent danger of hurting himself or others, a forced intervention is not likely to be helpful.

Some people simply need to hit rock bottom before they are ready to claw their way back to the surface.

It's tough to stand by him and watch it happen. All I can suggest is that you support him unconditionally and be there for him when he's had enough and ready to start his journey back.

Thinking of you!
Cheers'

Thank for your kind words of advice.

The thing is I'm so angry at him right now. I'm angry that he doesn't react. I'm angry this is, once more, and I will be selfish, ruining my peacefull existance.

I'm angry with him for not doing anything about it. I've been the ever supporting girlfriend until now, but today I can't.

I feel like screaming at him to get moving. To eat, to go run, to live.

I feel powerless and I hate it.

[needtogetwell]

Thank for your kind words of advice. The thing is I'm so angry at him right now. I'm angry that he doesn't react. I'm angry this is, once more, and I will be selfish, ruining my peacefull existance. I'm angry with him for not doing anything about it. I've been the ever supporting girlfriend until now, but today I can't. I feel like screaming at him to get moving. To eat, to go run, to live. I feel powerless and I hate it.

You are not powerless, and your anger is understandable.

But you do have the power and ability to turn your anger into something positive. Yelling and screaming may feel like the natural way to get the message across, but ultimately how useful is it?

So....what to do? You could try talking with him about your anger and that you want to see him as he was, running, eating well etc.

You could ask him what he thinks you can do to help him with this anxiety/panic. You may be surprised, he may know what he needs but is afraid to ask you for help. You know, that "I'm so strong, I don't need any help" man thing....

Do what you can to alleviate your anger and frustration! Vent here, it's a good place to do that. Sit on suggestions, let them swirl around in your mind and plan your strategy. A calm approach with him is going to do more for both of you. Anger rarely has anything good come of it. More anger or resentment is not the direction you want to go.

Breathe, go for a walk, center yourself. I'll be around most of the day if you want to continue this conversation.

I'm here to help!
Pam

[Perses]

Dear Desperate,

Does he have an answer for why he's feeling the way he is? What kind of work does he do? What happened in November that may have triggered the attack? And then why again just a couple of days ago?

I think you will need to tread carefully. He needs to crash and burn (in his own mind) before he seeks help. Pushing him to get help may backfire if he uses your interference, as he may see it, as an excuse to further close-in or develop a kind of bunker mentality.
On the other hand, it's your life too. Obviously, it would be great if he had a therapist or other comforting figure that he could talk to. Are his parents involved in his life? Siblings?

I'll be looking forward to what others have to say.

[Desperate77]

Thanks all for the answers.

Yeah, I know I need to calm down and breathe through this.

Most of the stress is work related. He has this need to always be the best at everything. He works too many hours and most of them self imposed. But there is no way I can convince him that he wouldn't be less great if he worked a bit less.

His parents are far away, thank God. In my opinion his father's high expectations are half the problem (or what started it al least). His brother is going through a tough fase right now too, so hasn't even told either of them.

His father would probably point out that his brother is the one who's having "real" troubles (he's unemployed, with two small children) and that would only make things worse.

I really want to do the best for him. He's a great guy. I love him dearly. When is ok he is the best companion I could ever asked for. I just want that guy back :(

[needtogetwell]

Thanks all for the answers. Yeah, I know I need to calm down and breathe through this. Most of the stress is work related. He has this need to always be the best at everything. He works too many hours and most of them self imposed. But there is no way I can convince him that he wouldn't be less great if he worked a bit less. His parents are far away, thank God. In my opinion his father's high expectations are half the problem (or what started it al least). His brother is going through a tough fase right now too, so hasn't even told either of them. His father would probably point out that his brother is the one who's having "real" troubles (he's unemployed, with two small children) and that would only make things worse. I really want to do the best for him. He's a great guy. I love him dearly. When is ok he is the best companion I could ever asked for. I just want that guy back :(

Then tell him :).
You're on your way!