Suicide

[I am not my brain]

Have a pretty difficult situation happening, and I'm starting to reach a breaking point.

Yesterday I quit my job, and now my family is ignoring me. I feel so low. Not just them ignoring me, but that I ran away from a challenge.

I got hired for an office job a month ago, and they were looking for someone who was skilled with microsoft excel. I have experience with excel from a couple of college courses, but nothing too advanced. I was hired to replace the person who was currently holding the position, and the crazy thing is that is who was going to train me. The person that I was going to replace also knew that I was there take her spot.

Anyways. the first two weeks I was supposed to shadow the person who was training me. So, I was watching her, but was not picking up on everything because it was pretty advanced stuff. She knew how to work with excel on a high level. I tried to pick up as much as I could watching, even taking notes. The majority of the time she was moving so fast through the program I couldn't make out what she was doing. I asked her to slow down, as well as asked her questions on stuff I didn't understand, but she seemed to get frustrated, and said she couldn't train me/get done what she had to get done at the same time.

So, I continued my best to try and understand everything to the best of my capabilities, and then came yesterday. I was put on the program by myself, and expected to run through it as she did after the two weeks. Flashback, on my first couple of days on the job I asked her how long it took for her to get everything down, and she said she was just getting comfortable after 8 months of being there. I'm not going to lie, when I was set on the computer by myself I had no idea what I was doing. Most of the two weeks she didn't talk to me, and just expected me to take notes on how do things. There was no talk of a step through step process, or any hands on training. I was just supposed to watch her and take notes. I believe a reason she didn't want to properly train me is because she knew I was there to replace her, and the person that hired me didn't get along with my trainer, which was another reason why they hired me (this caused more friction). I sent the manager who hired me an email about a week ago explaining the situation, and she said everything was going to be alright.

Well, my trainer started to get really frustrated after I started making mistakes, and started to call me out. She said I gave her the impression I learned everything, and lied to her We eventually got into a shouting match, but the more she was criticizing me, the more anxious I got. I started to make a ton of mistakes, and couldn't think because the hydreniline was running through my body so hard. After a little while longer I couldn't take it anymore and left. I obviously wasn't able to carry out the job responsibilities, and felt so uncomfortable, it was unbarable. Not only was my trainer on my back, but everyone else in the department was on my back because I was slipping up, and they didn't want to see me replace the person who was training me.

My family right now is pretty disappointed, and are just ignoring me. I know they are perceiving me as weak, and worthless. I was supposed to be a man and fight, but I guess I just cowarded, and ran away from the challenge. My father, and my siblings, believe that I am not going to make it through this life, and I am starting to believe it. My ex thought the same thing, and left me for someone else. We have a child, and I haven't seen her in over a year. Even though I haven't seen my daughter in over a year, I love her very much, and not seeing her has taken a toll on me. My heart aches everyday I don't see her.

Pretty much I believe that my life and character is what it is. I have been thinking about suicide, because maybe my family is right. And, if I cant cut it, why should I go on? I have tried self improvement, reading positive things, but it doesn't take away the anxiety and depression permanently, or instill in me any confidence.

I guess I am posting this to try and clear my mind, and get some objective feedback. My emotions are pretty tied up in this, and I'm probably not thinking logically. I've been through many therapists and drugs over the last several years, but I just don't know how to gain any confidence/self-esteem. I have a mild form of social anxiety, and its hard for me to communicate with people w/o being awkward. The position I had was heavily based on communication skills, and it was very hard.

I'm just tired of making excuses, but I don't know what to do, as well as how I am going to survive. I feel like an absolute failure at life.

[chardae]

Please call someone!! Go and see a dr. You need help and it's ok to ask! Keeping you in my thoughts, please please please go and get the help you need. Big hugs!

[Kabukicho]

Sounds like a toxic work environment. Better to move on from those than to stay in them and be miserable. You're better off not working there anyway. If your ex left you for someone "better" (whatever that means), then you're better off without her, too. She's not worth it either.

It will take time but you will rally from this and return to the battlefield stronger than ever. Bloodied but not beaten. Life has a way of working itself out. Sometimes it takes time. Sometimes it takes A LOT of time. That's okay. If you kill yourself, you'll miss out on the sweet, sweet feeling of redemption and vindication.

[I am not my brain]

Please call someone!! Go and see a dr. You need help and it's ok to ask! Keeping you in my thoughts, please please please go and get the help you need. Big hugs!

No longer have health insurance. I'm not belligerent, or out of control, just thinking about what my options are. I feel pretty embarrassed, and down right now. There have been too many tragic incidents over the last several years. I just feel really, really low.

[I am not my brain]

Sounds like a toxic work environment. Better to move on from those than to stay in them and be miserable. You're better off not working there anyway. If your ex left you for someone "better" (whatever that means), then you're better off without her, too. She's not worth it either.

It will take time but you will rally from this and return to the battlefield stronger than ever. Bloodied but not beaten. Life has a way of working itself out. Sometimes it takes time. Sometimes it takes A LOT of time. That's okay. If you kill yourself, you'll miss out on the sweet, sweet feeling of redemption and vindication.

It was very toxic. I felt so uncomfortable after the first day because everyone was questioning me if I was there to replace the person who was training me. Also, my trainer was very close to a lot of her co-workers, and a lot of the people there were giving me a hard time.

I just feel super low after that experience.

[Kabukicho]

That workplace doesn't deserve you and you owe it to yourself to find somewhere better (that might take time and that's not easy, but you need to start looking). You're not a failure; they're a miserable company with miserable employees wasting their lives away. Their loss.

I know that sounds harsh, but that's closer to the truth than the negative self-talk you've been brutalizing yourself with. Let up on yourself.

[ashy]

Hey,
That just sounds really rough :(. I think a big thing that is hurting you is how the people in your life aren't or can't understand what you are going through. And at the job you had, you just ended up in a situation that was already tense, you didn't cause any of it. I think that it was a good decision to leave that environment, don't believe what your family thinks.. They don't really understand. Just keep holding on, if you do I'm sure you'll find a new job that you like, and new people who will be understanding and supportive. :)

[I am not my brain]

That workplace doesn't deserve you and you owe it to yourself to find somewhere better (that might take time and that's not easy, but you need to start looking). You're not a failure; they're a miserable company with miserable employees wasting their lives away. Their loss.

I know that sounds harsh, but that's closer to the truth than the negative self-talk you've been brutalizing yourself with. Let up on yourself.

Agree with everything you have said. I may be over concerned with my families opinions, and reactions. Just don't want to disappoint them.

[Kabukicho]

Also, it's definitely normal to feel "super low" after such a draining ordeal. I've been through a few myself. It takes weeks to regroup. That's just fine. Definitely don't beat yourself up over feeling bad! That's just adding fuel to the fire.

Please don't worry about what your family thinks about you, either. All that matters is what you think about yourself. It's very easy to fall into the trap of caring too much about what others think about us. And applying labels like "worthless" or "failure" or "coward" to yourself is also no use. We all have moments of cowardice, or failure, or worthlessness. But that doesn't take away your fundamental worth as a human being. That never changes. And you will, as I said, have many triumphs in the future.

You had a bad time. It's a learning experience. Life is a learning experience.

[I am not my brain]

Hey,
That just sounds really rough :(. I think a big thing that is hurting you is how the people in your life aren't or can't understand what you are going through. And at the job you had, you just ended up in a situation that was already tense, you didn't cause any of it. I think that it was a good decision to leave that environment, don't believe what your family thinks.. They don't really understand. Just keep holding on, if you do I'm sure you'll find a new job that you like, and new people who will be understanding and supportive. :)

Thanks for your reply. This makes me feel a lot better getting positive, outside perspective.

[I am not my brain]

Also, it's definitely normal to feel "super low" after such a draining ordeal. I've been through a few myself. It takes weeks to regroup. That's just fine. Definitely don't beat yourself up over feeling bad! That's just adding fuel to the fire.

Please don't worry about what your family thinks about you, either. All that matters is what you think about yourself. It's very easy to fall into the trap of caring too much about what others think about us. And applying labels like "worthless" or "failure" or "coward" to yourself is also no use. We all have moments of cowardice, or failure, or worthlessness. But that doesn't take away your fundamental worth as a human being. That never changes. And you will, as I said, have many triumphs in the future.

You had a bad time. It's a learning experience. Life is a learning experience.


Thank you :)

Very solid advice

[Cimi]

humans have immense powers.just reach inside of you and u will find that energy. just start with a smile. some deep breaths and tell yourself each day everything will be fine ;)))))

[Dahila]

Thanks for your reply. This makes me feel a lot better getting positive, outside perspective.

Hon suicide is the last option, so do not give it up. I think you should spend some time with us and we are going to give you the support and understanding..... To go to the last option is not really good idea. You never know what tomorrow brings, tomorrow something may happen that it wll give you a zest for life. Life is full of surprices:))) talk to us some more