I am not my brain
03-11-2014, 01:51 PM
Have a pretty difficult situation happening, and I'm starting to reach a breaking point.
Yesterday I quit my job, and now my family is ignoring me. I feel so low. Not just them ignoring me, but that I ran away from a challenge.
I got hired for an office job a month ago, and they were looking for someone who was skilled with microsoft excel. I have experience with excel from a couple of college courses, but nothing too advanced. I was hired to replace the person who was currently holding the position, and the crazy thing is that is who was going to train me. The person that I was going to replace also knew that I was there take her spot.
Anyways. the first two weeks I was supposed to shadow the person who was training me. So, I was watching her, but was not picking up on everything because it was pretty advanced stuff. She knew how to work with excel on a high level. I tried to pick up as much as I could watching, even taking notes. The majority of the time she was moving so fast through the program I couldn't make out what she was doing. I asked her to slow down, as well as asked her questions on stuff I didn't understand, but she seemed to get frustrated, and said she couldn't train me/get done what she had to get done at the same time.
So, I continued my best to try and understand everything to the best of my capabilities, and then came yesterday. I was put on the program by myself, and expected to run through it as she did after the two weeks. Flashback, on my first couple of days on the job I asked her how long it took for her to get everything down, and she said she was just getting comfortable after 8 months of being there. I'm not going to lie, when I was set on the computer by myself I had no idea what I was doing. Most of the two weeks she didn't talk to me, and just expected me to take notes on how do things. There was no talk of a step through step process, or any hands on training. I was just supposed to watch her and take notes. I believe a reason she didn't want to properly train me is because she knew I was there to replace her, and the person that hired me didn't get along with my trainer, which was another reason why they hired me (this caused more friction). I sent the manager who hired me an email about a week ago explaining the situation, and she said everything was going to be alright.
Well, my trainer started to get really frustrated after I started making mistakes, and started to call me out. She said I gave her the impression I learned everything, and lied to her We eventually got into a shouting match, but the more she was criticizing me, the more anxious I got. I started to make a ton of mistakes, and couldn't think because the hydreniline was running through my body so hard. After a little while longer I couldn't take it anymore and left. I obviously wasn't able to carry out the job responsibilities, and felt so uncomfortable, it was unbarable. Not only was my trainer on my back, but everyone else in the department was on my back because I was slipping up, and they didn't want to see me replace the person who was training me.
My family right now is pretty disappointed, and are just ignoring me. I know they are perceiving me as weak, and worthless. I was supposed to be a man and fight, but I guess I just cowarded, and ran away from the challenge. My father, and my siblings, believe that I am not going to make it through this life, and I am starting to believe it. My ex thought the same thing, and left me for someone else. We have a child, and I haven't seen her in over a year. Even though I haven't seen my daughter in over a year, I love her very much, and not seeing her has taken a toll on me. My heart aches everyday I don't see her.
Pretty much I believe that my life and character is what it is. I have been thinking about suicide, because maybe my family is right. And, if I cant cut it, why should I go on? I have tried self improvement, reading positive things, but it doesn't take away the anxiety and depression permanently, or instill in me any confidence.
I guess I am posting this to try and clear my mind, and get some objective feedback. My emotions are pretty tied up in this, and I'm probably not thinking logically. I've been through many therapists and drugs over the last several years, but I just don't know how to gain any confidence/self-esteem. I have a mild form of social anxiety, and its hard for me to communicate with people w/o being awkward. The position I had was heavily based on communication skills, and it was very hard.
I'm just tired of making excuses, but I don't know what to do, as well as how I am going to survive. I feel like an absolute failure at life.
Yesterday I quit my job, and now my family is ignoring me. I feel so low. Not just them ignoring me, but that I ran away from a challenge.
I got hired for an office job a month ago, and they were looking for someone who was skilled with microsoft excel. I have experience with excel from a couple of college courses, but nothing too advanced. I was hired to replace the person who was currently holding the position, and the crazy thing is that is who was going to train me. The person that I was going to replace also knew that I was there take her spot.
Anyways. the first two weeks I was supposed to shadow the person who was training me. So, I was watching her, but was not picking up on everything because it was pretty advanced stuff. She knew how to work with excel on a high level. I tried to pick up as much as I could watching, even taking notes. The majority of the time she was moving so fast through the program I couldn't make out what she was doing. I asked her to slow down, as well as asked her questions on stuff I didn't understand, but she seemed to get frustrated, and said she couldn't train me/get done what she had to get done at the same time.
So, I continued my best to try and understand everything to the best of my capabilities, and then came yesterday. I was put on the program by myself, and expected to run through it as she did after the two weeks. Flashback, on my first couple of days on the job I asked her how long it took for her to get everything down, and she said she was just getting comfortable after 8 months of being there. I'm not going to lie, when I was set on the computer by myself I had no idea what I was doing. Most of the two weeks she didn't talk to me, and just expected me to take notes on how do things. There was no talk of a step through step process, or any hands on training. I was just supposed to watch her and take notes. I believe a reason she didn't want to properly train me is because she knew I was there to replace her, and the person that hired me didn't get along with my trainer, which was another reason why they hired me (this caused more friction). I sent the manager who hired me an email about a week ago explaining the situation, and she said everything was going to be alright.
Well, my trainer started to get really frustrated after I started making mistakes, and started to call me out. She said I gave her the impression I learned everything, and lied to her We eventually got into a shouting match, but the more she was criticizing me, the more anxious I got. I started to make a ton of mistakes, and couldn't think because the hydreniline was running through my body so hard. After a little while longer I couldn't take it anymore and left. I obviously wasn't able to carry out the job responsibilities, and felt so uncomfortable, it was unbarable. Not only was my trainer on my back, but everyone else in the department was on my back because I was slipping up, and they didn't want to see me replace the person who was training me.
My family right now is pretty disappointed, and are just ignoring me. I know they are perceiving me as weak, and worthless. I was supposed to be a man and fight, but I guess I just cowarded, and ran away from the challenge. My father, and my siblings, believe that I am not going to make it through this life, and I am starting to believe it. My ex thought the same thing, and left me for someone else. We have a child, and I haven't seen her in over a year. Even though I haven't seen my daughter in over a year, I love her very much, and not seeing her has taken a toll on me. My heart aches everyday I don't see her.
Pretty much I believe that my life and character is what it is. I have been thinking about suicide, because maybe my family is right. And, if I cant cut it, why should I go on? I have tried self improvement, reading positive things, but it doesn't take away the anxiety and depression permanently, or instill in me any confidence.
I guess I am posting this to try and clear my mind, and get some objective feedback. My emotions are pretty tied up in this, and I'm probably not thinking logically. I've been through many therapists and drugs over the last several years, but I just don't know how to gain any confidence/self-esteem. I have a mild form of social anxiety, and its hard for me to communicate with people w/o being awkward. The position I had was heavily based on communication skills, and it was very hard.
I'm just tired of making excuses, but I don't know what to do, as well as how I am going to survive. I feel like an absolute failure at life.