I would like to get this thing outta my chest

[Lunaf]

I would like to get this thing outta my chest. I haven't been really open up. No ones in my life know that I'm suffering from anxiety disorder. Not even my best friends. Only my parents (my parents don't like the idea of anxiety disorder and I don't really tell them about it a lot) and my psychiatrist (he knows me really well like the back of his own hand).

It was started 2 years ago. My friend and I was on the way to the restaurant and out of nowhere some big truck hit us. My car crashed really hard and we both were being squeezed inside the car. I opened my eyes and I saw my friend. There was a lot of blood on both of us. And a lot of blood in her head and she locked her eyes at me. I still remember those dying eyes until right now. I told her that we would be alright, but at the same time I knew she won't make it. I watched her slowly died.

3 days after that accident, I depressed. People told me it was the trauma and I'll get better. But I didn't. I only got worse and worse. The panic attack always came right after the sun goes down, I walked around the house in the middle of night crying alone, I never slept properly at night, difficulty in breathing (going to ER a lot at that time). Ohh! And I happen to study 2 majors. I'm in med school and psychology. It gave me so many information about PTSD. So I read the journals about PTSD and I even make assessment for myself (terrible idea because I only got worse). I noticed something on my anxiety pattern, I walked around the house at night and had so many sleepless nights because I associated night with death (I had car crash at night and my friend died at that time). I constantly thought that my beloved ones would die at night, so I stayed up to watched them and make sure they were alright. I just got worse and worse. I failed at many subjects, my ex left because he thought I got schizophrenia, I stay awake at most nights. And my dad noticed there was something wrong going on with me and decided to took me to the psychiatrist. He said that it was the PTSD that lead me to anxiety and panic attack. It went really well. At July 2013 I was mentally healthy. I slept well and my grades got better. Life was better. I finally not in the dark tunnel anymore.

But at January this year, I faced something that brings back again my anxiety and it worse than the first one. I recently having panic attacks again and suicidal thought. I honestly don't know what to do. I haven't tell anyone that I relapsed. I just thought that maybe I could put everything back together by myself. Is it crazy idea?

I'm sorry for the long story :\

[NixonRulz]

It sounds that your psych I as doing a great job with you if you feel he knows you so well

That is a horrible story and wouldn't want anyone to have to go through something that traumatic

I guess I can understand why the PTSD occurred. Just wow.

Take away the start of your anxiety, as hard as it may be, and you sound like many here who are dealing with anxiety and panic

All just looking for a way to stop reacting so negatively when certain thoughts pass through our minds

I was against meds for years and unfortunately, I waited a long time to use them and they quickly stopped my mind from racing so much

Effexor is my drug of choice since others didn't help as much

With or without meds, you have to get your mind calm enough for you to be able to start really working on correcting your thinking and reaction to these thought

I couldn't get calm enough without the meds. Mind was always going a million miles per hour

You've done great whether you know it or not. Just by holding it together for so long after a traumatic event

But it's time to start focusing on you and releasing the guilt or sorrow from that accident

Give yourself permission to be upset about it and miss her. That is normal

But don't let that accident take a second victim when you have demonstrated strengths that few could have

[needtogetwell]

Nice reply Nixon!

[Enduronman]

No ones in my life know that I'm suffering from anxiety disorder. Not even my best friends. Only my parents (my parents don't like the idea of anxiety disorder and I don't really tell them about it a lot) and my psychiatrist (he knows me really well like the back of his own hand). At July 2013 I was mentally healthy. I slept well and my grades got better. Life was better. I finally not in the dark tunnel anymore.

But at January this year, I faced something that brings back again my anxiety and it worse than the first one. I recently having panic attacks again and suicidal thought. I honestly don't know what to do. I haven't tell anyone that I relapsed. I just thought that maybe I could put everything back together by myself. Is it crazy idea?

I'm sorry for the long story :\

I am sorry that you had to face such trauma, but that is in the past..which is why it is no longer in your quote...
The first part of your post, to me, presents many new problems in dealing with this disorder...that you are the only one that knows it..
The way to eventually rid yourself of this issue, anxiety, stress disorder, is to open up, reveal it,..especially to those closest to you..
Anxiety and stress disorder HATES it when you do that..because you expose it, and it thrives on being hidden in stealth in our minds...
That's how it grows,..that's how it literally destroyed what you had going on, that's how it controlled you and caused you such difficulty and grief..
I think that you tell EVERYBODY what it is that you're feeling and stop spending so much useful energy hiding it..it's the only real way "out"....

At July of last year, you were healthy again finally with much work, and I admire that..
I don't even see any mention of medications here??...You did this alone?? Wow....Admirable.

Then, 2 months ago,..BAM!
Something happened...What????

I think, you begin your therapy sessions again, and also think about trying some medications to, too also keep you from going to the exact same place....
That you and your mind, and body, know all to well..if left untreated, I'm afraid..you will end up in that dark tunnel again and begin reliving things that need not be spoken of or about....or thought about.
Trying to put everything back together alone, is a truly crazy idea friend,...in your particular case...

Did this event or has this event caused you any difficulties with becoming close to anyone else, friends, family, relationships?
That's really the only question I reallllllyyyyyy wish to have an answer too even though I have presented others....

Post as long of a story as you wish.

Have a great day new friend!!..

Enduronman.. :)

[Lunaf]

It sounds that your psych I as doing a great job with you if you feel he knows you so well That is a horrible story and wouldn't want anyone to have to go through something that traumatic I guess I can understand why the PTSD occurred. Just wow. Take away the start of your anxiety, as hard as it may be, and you sound like many here who are dealing with anxiety and panic All just looking for a way to stop reacting so negatively when certain thoughts pass through our minds I was against meds for years and unfortunately, I waited a long time to use them and they quickly stopped my mind from racing so much Effexor is my drug of choice since others didn't help as much With or without meds, you have to get your mind calm enough for you to be able to start really working on correcting your thinking and reaction to these thought I couldn't get calm enough without the meds. Mind was always going a million miles per hour You've done great whether you know it or not. Just by holding it together for so long after a traumatic event But it's time to start focusing on you and releasing the guilt or sorrow from that accident Give yourself permission to be upset about it and miss her. That is normal But don't let that accident take a second victim when you have demonstrated strengths that few could have


Thank you so mucchh NixonRulz for your advice. I'll keep that in my mind :).

I did use benzodiazepine for about 3 months then I stooped because my dad didn't want me to think that medication will help me and I'll get addicted to it. It didn't help me though. I still had panic attack every night and my mind is filled with anxiety.

I want to ask you something if it's alright, how do you cope with your anxiety?

[Lunaf]

I am sorry that you had to face such trauma, but that is in the past..which is why it is no longer in your quote... The first part of your post, to me, presents many new problems in dealing with this disorder...that you are the only one that knows it.. The way to eventually rid yourself of this issue, anxiety, stress disorder, is to open up, reveal it,..especially to those closest to you.. Anxiety and stress disorder HATES it when you do that..because you expose it, and it thrives on being hidden in stealth in our minds... That's how it grows,..that's how it literally destroyed what you had going on, that's how it controlled you and caused you such difficulty and grief.. I think that you tell EVERYBODY what it is that you're feeling and stop spending so much useful energy hiding it..it's the only real way "out".... At July of last year, you were healthy again finally with much work, and I admire that.. I don't even see any mention of medications here??...You did this alone?? Wow....Admirable. Then, 2 months ago,..BAM! Something happened...What???? I think, you begin your therapy sessions again, and also think about trying some medications to, too also keep you from going to the exact same place.... That you and your mind, and body, know all to well..if left untreated, I'm afraid..you will end up in that dark tunnel again and begin reliving things that need not be spoken of or about....or thought about. Trying to put everything back together alone, is a truly crazy idea friend,...in your particular case... Did this event or has this event caused you any difficulties with becoming close to anyone else, friends, family, relationships? That's really the only question I reallllllyyyyyy wish to have an answer too even though I have presented others.... Post as long of a story as you wish. Have a great day new friend!!.. Enduronman.. :)

Yes, you're definitely right about exposed the anxiety. I want to tell about it to my friends back then, but I guess I didn't know how to tell it. It was hard. I just thought that they had plenty things on their plate and we were dealing with a lot of school papers and journals. Everyone stressed out. I just didn't want added my PTSD problem on their plate. But like you said, my mental was exploding because I repressed it for a long time lol.

I did use benzodiazepine for about 3 months. But it didn't really worked on me. I still had terror everyday :\ and my dad didn't want me to be dependent on drug. I did CBT once with my therapist and it helped getting through it, but then I stopped because it was like every time panic attack came, I always ended up running to the hospital and look for my therapist. Which it wasn't really healthy right.. I mean, it was like I didn't knew how to help myself and I even didn't do anything to help myself. I trust my therapist so much that I didn't believe that I can help myself.

About 2 months ago, my relatives died and my aunt died. The thing is, I never attended any funeral or seeing dead body (I even skipped every classes that having to do with cadaver) since that car crash. I knew it's the trigger to my panic attack. So I always avoid it. But when my relatives and aunt died, and it happened 4 days in row, then I had to attended the funerals (biggest mistake), everything came back. As simple as that. That trauma 2 years ago have big impact more than I thought it would. The way my friend died, the way she looked at me before she passed away, the night terrors, it's all come back. And also these past few days, I have nightmare in my sleep. It's really disturbing dream and it makes me so anxious when I wake up in the morning.

Well, it did and it didn't really affect me. It didn't really affect my relationship with my friends. I was so good at hiding it haha. I didn't mention a little bit about my anxiety. But they did notice my weird behavior (like couldn't talk straight and disorganized), but at the same time, it did affect my relationship with my ex. I tried to tell him about my anxiety. That I need him. I need help to get through it. But he didn't understand and thought I was outta my mind (well, he had good point haha) and he left. My family was very supportive back then. My dad is a doctor and he helped me arranged my diet and gave me vitamin to helped my body (I lost 5 kg and I looked like bamboo tree back then), my mom helped me learned about meditation (Still figure how to do meditation until right now), and my brother talked a lot about how am I supposed to change my thinking pattern. I'm so grateful to have them :).

But I'm not the kind of person that like to show my feelings. I repressed it as deep as I could. And maybe that's the problem why I become so overwhelmed with this.

I would like to ask you something if it's alright. How you cope with your anxiety?

Have a nice day too Enduronman!!

[anxiety-challenged]

You need to talk to your family about the relapse as soon as possible.
You shouldn't hold your emotion only to yourself, that's very tough thing to do even for healthy people.

If you can't take any meds, how about doing Yoga or swimming or other light exercises? It will keep your mind off from the past.
Concentrating on physical tasks is a great way to forget bad things because it uses many parts of your brain.
You know memory can be disturbed by stimulation?