Insight needed please from those who suffer from anxiety

[JaneDoe27]

Hello and thank you. I care very much for two people in my life who suffer from anxiety. One is my 16 year old son and the other is my boyfriend of 8 months. I do my very best with both of them to be supportive and non-judgemental when they are going through a time of high anxiety. I realize that sometimes they say things that are more about the anxiety than are about what they are actually thinking and feeling when that are calmer. In particular, my son may tell me he hates me or blame me for everything wring in his life when he is freaking out, but later he will tell me he loves me and appreciates how much support and love I give him and how sorry he is for lashing out at me. I try not to take the lashing out personally.
With my partner though; he breaks up with me almost everytime he has a very bad week. This is 3 times in 4 months. After a few days of calming down, he will come back and apologize and want to be together again.
My question for those of you who suffer from anxiety, if you don't mind giving me your insight please: when he is having an anxiety phase, how disordered or skewed is how a person thinks about their relationships? Is this push away, pull me back thing pretty much to be expected?
How can I best help him while still helping myself? Because of my experieince with my son, I don't actually take the break ups too personally at the moment - I feel they are more about the anxiety than me. I just try and stay supportive and keep some distance. If I thought that breaking up would actually help him, I would do it. He can be the kindest and most considerate person most of the time and I do love him.
For those of you in realtionships or having been in a relationship that ended, please let me know your thoughts. Thank you.

[NixonRulz]

Hello and thank you. I care very much for two people in my life who suffer from anxiety. One is my 16 year old son and the other is my boyfriend of 8 months. I do my very best with both of them to be supportive and non-judgemental when they are going through a time of high anxiety. I realize that sometimes they say things that are more about the anxiety than are about what they are actually thinking and feeling when that are calmer. In particular, my son may tell me he hates me or blame me for everything wring in his life when he is freaking out, but later he will tell me he loves me and appreciates how much support and love I give him and how sorry he is for lashing out at me. I try not to take the lashing out personally.
With my partner though; he breaks up with me almost everytime he has a very bad week. This is 3 times in 4 months. After a few days of calming down, he will come back and apologize and want to be together again.
My question for those of you who suffer from anxiety, if you don't mind giving me your insight please: when he is having an anxiety phase, how disordered or skewed is how a person thinks about their relationships? Is this push away, pull me back thing pretty much to be expected?
How can I best help him while still helping myself? Because of my experieince with my son, I don't actually take the break ups too personally at the moment - I feel they are more about the anxiety than me. I just try and stay supportive and keep some distance. If I thought that breaking up would actually help him, I would do it. He can be the kindest and most considerate person most of the time and I do love him.
For those of you in realtionships or having been in a relationship that ended, please let me know your thoughts. Thank you.

You know, this is a good thread becasue I sometimes forget how hard it is for the people around the one who suffers

Nothing that someone that is going through a bad phase does would strike me as not normal at this point

So many people handle it differently but shutting people out whether they are scared, embarrassed or just confused is understandable

We had a member here who recently got out of a relationship to focus on herself and she did fantastic afterwards

But that was her so it doesn't mean that is how your guy needs to get better. I know that really isn't much help

If I were you, if he hasn't been on this forum before, I would take him on a tour

I see more sudden results here than with any other means of people getting on the right track

You didn't mention if he was on any medication to help but it is normal for anxiety sufferers to be afraid of the side effects of meds so it can be a struggle to take them

As noble as it is for you to look for ways to help and be there, it is ultimately going to have to be him that decides to get real help

He has just trained his brain to have some bad reactions to his thoughts

But as it is learned, it can be unlearned as well

I wish you all the luck in the world and it speaks volumes what your son and boyfriend mean to you by posting

[Enduronman]

I used to do the same thing with my gf!!
During an anxiety phase,..I would push her away in anger....
Get them both into therapy!!!
One at a time...
And get them both into see a Doctor to get some meds to help level them out, especially the youngster..
His will grow more stronger, if left unattended...and then create huge issues in his schooling and future life...trust me

Have a great day Jane!

Enduronman.. :)

[JaneDoe27]

Hello and thanks. My 16 year old recently started taking meds and sees a therapist regularly who he seems to have a good connection with. We are quietly optimistist about his progress. My boyfriend does not take meds or see a therapist. He does do meditation but I know his mother spent a lifetime suffering from extreme anxiety as well.

[anxiety-challenged]

Hi Jane, you must be confused by the rampant ups and down of your loved ones.
But you are a great mom trying to understand them.
I hope my family was like you.

What they are showing you is the unbearable frustration and suffering from the unreasonable symptoms that never go away no matter what they try and anger towards the disorder and helplessness.
They are only showing the frustration that they can't get away from the suffering.
What they really want is CURE that frees them from the whole suffering.
Anxiety suffers all do.
They are fighting with unbearable feeling and symptoms non stop, but there are other things they also have to deal with.
Money, relationship, school, society, responsibilities...sometimes they get overwhelmed and can't just take it.
They sometimes get angry at people who never seem understand the things they are going through, because no matter how they try to explain what they are feeling, no one other than anxiety suffers can understand it, and they know it.
So, their anger is basically frustration. Unbearably huge frustration from the situation that they have no control of.
I assure you they both love you, but they feel helpless.

[Enduronman]

I am suggesting that you and he both, get into therapy (as my gf and I did) and this really opens up a whole new world to have that 3rd party in the room and discussing issues that are bothering the both of you..it DID help and it also exposed that it takes (2) of us to make these things happen yet it was me that was doing the breaking up, and also breaking of things too...I would tear things up when I was upset..immature, childish, behavior..
We only went once a week, but that one visit was some thing we could both "build from" and go back and reflect upon in a non argumentative manner...it was weird, I was non aggressive when we spoke about our therapy together...
Do you also attend some of the meetings, sessions, with your son? (so proud of you for actually getting him into therapy and some meds while he's young) and if I may ask, what is the primary source of your teens anxiety is it other parent related?????
If your BF's mother had unresolved, lifelong, anxiety,..then therapy would be a blessing for him considering what you hace stated above and how much you care for him...

Enduronman.. :)

[JaneDoe27]

Hello. I do attend some sessions with my son. His therapy includes sessions with him alone, the two of us together, some with just his younger sister and some with the whole family. He also attends a special classroom where CBT is an integral part of each day. His anxiety seems to stem from the really quite horrible death of his father when he was 5 years old, also the extreme frustration caused by his learning disabilities which do not allow him to function in school in a way that reflects his rather high level of intelligence. He also has big issues about his appearance although he is, in actuality, a very nice looking young man (everybody tells me so). Unfortunately, I think the chances of getting my boyfriend into some kind of therapy is slim. He holds a job as a very senior executive and pretends to be coping very well to the outside world. Besides his inheritance of anxiety from his mother, he has some really huge issues around his job, his exwife, his access to his kids and his family in general. These are all things that he feels no sense of control over in any way. I think he does feel that he has control over our relationship (ie whether it continues or not).
I am trying to educate myself about anxiety and how it affects the sufferer. I truly appreciate all feedback and advice while recognizing that everyone is different.

[needtogetwell]

Hello. I do attend some sessions with my son. His therapy includes sessions with him alone, the two of us together, some with just his younger sister and some with the whole family. He also attends a special classroom where CBT is an integral part of each day. His anxiety seems to stem from the death of his father when he was 5 years old, also the extreme frustration caused by his learning disabilities which do not allow him to function in school in a way that reflects his rather high level of intelligence. He also has big issues about his appearance although he is, in actuality, a very nice looking young man (everybody tells me so). Unfortunately, I think the chances of getting my boyfriend into some kind of therapy is slim. He holds a job as a very senior executive and pretends to be coping very well to the outside world. Besides his inheritance of anxiety from his mother, he has some really huge issues around his job, his exwife, his access to his kids and his family in general. These are all things that he feels no sense of control over in any way. I think he does feel that he has control over our relationship (ie whether it continues or not). I am trying to educate myself about anxiety and how it affects the sufferer. I truly appreciate all feedback and advice while recognizing that everyone is different.

Hi Jane . I have day back and watched this unfold, trying to think of how I can offer a useful suggestion.

First and foremost......keep your attention on your son. You have some great things going on with him, keep it up! That being said, in order to help him it requires energy. Trying to split your energy on son and BF will eventually sap the life out of you! Your son deserves all of you!

As for the BF,

The "inheritance" from his mother is fooling you. Yes, living with a parent with anxiety issues is tough, but it is a crutch to mask his other poor behaviours.

You used the words "control" and "pretend" to describe his situation. He has built a massive house of cards with this illusion. I really and truly don't want to see you crushed under it when it falls, and trust me, it's gonna fall some time.

He is an adult. It's his life to do with as he pleases. If he doesn't or won't seek professional help them it's his choice.

I liken him to an abusive spouse who feels so sorry after he has beat you up for the umpteenth time. This breaking up and coming back is a pattern of abuse, don't accept it!

Son first, formost and always!

I wish you all the best!
Pam

[Enduronman]

Very, very, good...all of your efforts.....I applaude you!
Yes, I am an anxiety sufferer with 46 yrs of it under my belt (still waiting for an award)..
I have ADD/ADHD, PTSD, Anxiety with panic, (but I am not afraid of anything in this world), SAD, OCD, Perfomance anxiety, and a rare one called IED...
(Intermittent Explosive Disorder).... So, if you're looking for a perspective from someone who has anxiety,,, Hello, my name is Chris, Chip, and or Enduronman here.
The ONLY way to rectify this issue with the BF is going to be getting him into some sort of therapy..or he will continue to "break up" as he does and may even become
more aggressive too (I did)...I won't go into that though....but let's just say that a few therapy sessions really helped me to see what I was doing to her...
You KNOW of all his issues and where they stem from, as well as my gf knows of all mine too....but that is no excuse to treat you that way, nor was it mine either...
I too also "pretended" to be a normal, professional, Business Owner,...and could sell snowcones to an Eskimo....I too had many of his same issues in fact what you've
listed, I can cover.....
Hope that helps you in some ways Jane.
I'm usually not too far away from here so if you have any specific questions, find me....(disabled now, long story).....

Enduronman... :)

[JaneDoe27]

Hi and good morning. I just wanted to let you know that my guy and I had a really good conversation about his anxiety and how it was affecting both of us. I wasn't easy to say or hear some of the things we needed to say to each other but it was honest and open. I am not sure what is going to happen between us but he has agreed that he needs to seek some professional help and to start right away.
I hope that we will be able to move forward together but perhaps we won't but I am glad I was able to better understand where he was coming from and that he could agree that he can't keep things going in his life the way they are.
Thanks.

[needtogetwell]

Hi and good morning. I just wanted to let you know that my guy and I had a really good conversation about his anxiety and how it was affecting both of us. I wasn't easy to say or hear some of the things we needed to say to each other but it was honest and open. I am not sure what is going to happen between us but he has agreed that he needs to seek some professional help and to start right away. I hope that we will be able to move forward together but perhaps we won't but I am glad I was able to better understand where he was coming from and that he could agree that he can't keep things going in his life the way they are. Thanks.

Really glad you two talked so openly and honestly. Time will tell where things go and I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason.

You seem much more at peace.

Hoping your days are good ones along this new path.

Pam