Advice Needed!

[le05262]

Hi,

I really think that my boyfriend might be suffering from an abnormal amount of anxiety. He has frequent mood swings and goes from being very happy and fun to very low and depressed. He constantly talks about anxious feelings that he is having and dissatisfaction with his life. He smokes cannabis every day, something which I tell him can't be helping, but he insists that its is his 'only pleasure'. He puts an enormous amount of pressure on our relationship, and as I am going away to live in a foriegn country for a year, he gets more and more depressed as this time gets closer. He often says, "I don't know what I'd do without you" and "You're the only thing that makes life worth living" even though he knows that at some point I will be leaving for a significant amount of time. I have suggested that he talk to someone before, and he did try it. Or he told me he tried it. I dont know which, but he is not willing to do it again, and if I ever bring it up he takes it as a personal insult, and tries to avert the problem by saying that I have problems committing etc. However, I know that this is not the case. I never had commitment problems before I met him, the only reason I am reluctant to commit to the long term with him (apart from the fact that I think Im too young anyway) is because I know that I can't cope with all of his problems. Sometimes I think I am over-reacting and perhaps he is just an emotional person (he does admit this) but recently it has become too much. He cries at almost anything, the other day he woke up crying just because he didn't want to go to work.

I know it may sound selfish, but I really can't cope with it anymore, and I am finding his anxiety or depression or whatever it is, frustrating and tiresome and it is making me become annoyed with him. I just want to shake him and tell him to pull himself together. How can I suggest to him that he should talk to somebody without hurting his feelings? We talk about it frequently, I have suggested numerous things that might help, such as stopping smoking weed and drinking, taking exercise and change of diet, but he just passes these off as unhelpful. The only thing he seems to find comforting is me, and I can't cope with that pressure much longer. I feel as if I want to end our relationship, but I know it would be disastrous. Plus, the happy side of him i still love, it just seems to be getting smaller and smaller.

Any help or advice would be much appreciated.

Lola

[Robbed]

It sounds like your boyfriend is definitely suffering from depression and/or anxiety. As for what to do about it, this can be tricky. One of the BIG problems that ALOT of guys with this problem have to deal with are the negative implications of the disorder. Depression/anxiety conditions tend to imply to ALOT of guys that they have that vulnerability that they always feared that they might have (but actually always DID have - everybody does!). It also tends to imply that they are neither as strong nor as perfect as they had hoped (again, NOBODY is!). So it is often both a loss AND an embarrassment.

Then, there is that whole issue of treatment. Depression and anxiety conditions can be VERY feared for MANY because MANY people feel that the only way to deal with it is by taking scary and unsavory medications. After all, as I have said MANY times, horror stories about meds abound. Chances are that you possibly know at least ONE person who has had a bad experience with antidepressants. So we are not talking about isolated incidents. Therapy in and of itself might not be too scary. But once again, the need for it tends to emphasize some of the points I made above. Specifically, that it implies that you are vulnerable, weak, etc.

So what to do? First of all, you can't count on someone who has a depression/anxiety condition to be self-motivated about dealing with their condition. ESPECIALLY if we are talking about someone who has decided to ignore it as best as they can by using drugs and alcohol. In other words, barking at him to get his act in order and stop moping around is not going to help either of you. Now you say that you mentioned such things to him as improving diet, exercise, and laying off drugs and alcohol. All of these things are certainly a good idea, and can do ALOT to improve or even cure his condition. BUT, you just can't be hard-nosed with him about making these changes (then again, you probably already know this). All this will do is make the two of you fight, break up the relationship, and not help him one bit. A MUCH better approach would be to incorporate this into his life in other, more subtle ways. For instance, try to get him to go places with you. Perhaps you could just do something simple with him like go for a walk. This will both give him some exercise AND disallow him the opportunity to smoke or drink. He might also be surprised to find out how much better he feels after actually doing something (although it might take some effort to convice him this will be the case beforehand). But try to start small. And you might want to at least start by doing things that he has typically enjoyed in the past. The same goes for eating. Rather than barking at him for eating chips (which won't help ANYBODY here), it is a better idea to just see to it that healthful food is available. You just might be surprised at how willing MOST people are to take nice, fresh fruit over candy or chips.

As for actual treatment, the above covers ALOT. But there is certainly more to consider. MANY people will tell you that the first step should be to see a doctor. But he may not be willing to do so. Also, a doctor will only write a prescription for antidepressants. That's all they CAN do. And not only are antidepressants often not helpful. But they can cause LOTS of problems. Chances are he really does not need them, and they will probably not be beneficial anyway. So this might come as a BIG relief to him. Therapy may or may not be helpful, as MANY therapists are just no good. It has been my finding that SO much of the time, they just seem to like to talk about troubling aspects of my life that I already know all too well about, yet offer no real solutions - all for about $100 an hour. If he actually REALLY wants therapy, then you might try to find a therapist. If you DO, then I believe that the FIRST question to ask is whether they have had depression/anxiety, have overcome it, have been free of it for a couple of years, and are currently medication-free. This will probably GREATLY improve the chances that they will be helpful. Also, some places like anxietycentre.com offer therapy over the phone. This might be quite a bit more palatable for him than face-to-face sessions. It also seems to be MUCH more reasonably priced. And, at least according to what they say (and I guess you really CAN'T confirm that), their therapists have all overcome anxiety and/or depression.

Another thing he should REALLY look at is self-help material. There are LOTS of good self-help books out there (but LOTS of bad ones, too). This can also help tremendously. It is MUCH more effective than medication, has longer lasting effects, and is cheaper. Given the fact that MOST people who recover do so largely on their own, this is something that should not be overlooked. I myself like the books by Claire Weekes. There are also numerous self-help websites. The aforementioned anxietycentre.com, for instance, also has LOTS of self-help material available.

Finally, you can possibly help him by looking with him at what could be causing his problems in the first place. You mention that he cries about going to work. Although this can happen even if his job is NOT the problem, there is the possibility that it IS the problem. Could he be suffering from stress on the job that has driven him 'over the edge'? Does he find his work unsatisfying and unfulfilling? Does he feel that he should be doing something better with his life? Any one or combination of these issues could DEFINITELY cause pretty much ANYBODY to fall into a depression/anxiety problem. And maybe a career change is just what he needs. As for relationship problems, this can cause stress as well. But it doesn't sound to me like this is a problem. Especially if he himself says you are as important to him as he says.

One more thing. It is VERY important to remember that depression/anxiety conditions will NEVER resolve themselves quickly. There are no quick fixes. Chances are that this is going to take AT LEAST a few months - possibly longer. It is also virtually a given that things will appear to get worse for a while. This is entirely normal. So patience is an absolute MUST for the both of you.

Anyway, I know this is long. But hopefully, it will help.

[le05262]

Thank-you very much for this reply, it is most helpful. I will definitely try to incorporate some of the more subtle changes you suggest.

I think you may be right about his job. It is definitely one of the causes of his anxiety. He works very long hours for a pitiful salary, and often feels unappreciated. However, I do not really feel there is much that can be done about this as it is the nature of the industry he wishes to break into.

Again, thank you,
I really appreciate this response.
Lola

[Robbed]

However, I do not really feel there is much that can be done about this as it is the nature of the industry he wishes to break into.

And that could be the whole problem. Perhaps he is chasing a dream that is, quite frankly, not worth it. On the other hand, there might be better ways to get to where he wants to be career-wise. Of course, I don't know what industry he is trying to break into. But in MANY instances, getting an education might be a better way to break in than trying to start at the very bottom and work your way up.