savingkie
03-08-2014, 12:16 PM
I apologize for this being so long, I could really just use some help :(
So this year is my first year of high school, which is supposed to be fun, but it's been absolute torture. I have severe emetephobia and OCD, both of which I've suffered from since kindergarten. Both of my anxiety issues have never been worse than they are now, most likely due to the transition from middle to high school. I was completely fine during September, but by the end of October, I was miserable. I've been missing a lot of class (I sit in the guidance office, nurse, or psychologist's office) and last quarter, I ended up with high 70's in a few classes, which is the first time ever that I've had my grades drop like that, and I even did pretty horribly on my midterms due to being so anxious. I was forced to go on Zoloft over Christmas break in December, and I stayed on it for 4 weeks, but I was absolutely miserable every day, as I was sick due to the medication and I ended up losing 15 pounds in a span of 2 weeks. Besides making me sick, the Zoloft also sparked my OCD, which has been very severe since December. I suffer with intrusive thoughts about the fear of becoming schizophrenic, suicidal, or any other mental illness of the like that would potentially be life ruining. I started CBT in Janurary, and at the moment it has really helped with the OCD part of things, yet I can not seem to shake my emetephobia as I've been living with it for so long. I've also been missing out on a lot of fun, and I've generally been spending a lot more time at home alone. It's not that I don't have friends, I have plenty (not to be cocky) but sometimes just leaving the house seems way too daunting.
Anyways, this post is supposed to be about school and the personnel at school. I may be in the wrong about this, so I could really use some advice, as it's made me mildly depressed (when I've never had any history of depression, nor does it run in my family, it's situational, and it's very out of the norm for me, as I'm usually very happy go lucky, and nothing usually gets me down.) So many things about high school make me nervous, like the upperclassmen, the size of the building- you name it, and it probably makes me anxious. Although for the past two weeks I've been considerably better with being in class, my anxiety got to a point in November where I was spending full periods in the guidance office or nurse, and at its worst, I spent 4 periods, equivalent to about 3 hours, in guidance. And I don't say that proudly, as I feel fairly ashamed and guilty about it, as I've always been very obidient and I never have the intention to purposely cut class. In Janurary, I received a 504 plan, yet since then, the school personnel has actually been LESS understanding than they were prior to the 504. Almost everyone (guidance counselors, the nurse, my teachers, etc) thinks I'm faking it, and that I'm being purposely truant. The nurse has actually called the vice principal on me, and she claimed that I was cutting class, so I got escorted to class and VERY rudely treated by my vice principal, as he told me that he "didn't want to hear it" and that I need to "cut it out"- all of this took place in the midst of a severe panic attack, and I was hyperventilating so intensely that I made myself very dizzy. Every time I walk into the nurse, she already shoots me dirty looks before I even start talking, and once I tell her what's wrong (my complaint is normally that I'm very nauseous/sick, as the physical symptoms of my anxiety normally mimic a stomach flu/regular flu) she tells me to go back to class. I politely ask if I can sit for 5 minutes just to calm down, but she does not allow me, and the only words that she says is "go back to class". My guidance counselor is the most understanding, but I can tell that she is often upset with me if I spend a considerable amount of time out of class, which is understandable. I have a feeling that everyone in the school has been told to not let me sit and calm down and just send me back to class, which is beyond distressing for me. I NEED a place where I'm able to sit and calm myself down as I often suffer very serious panic attacks at school, but I haven't been given that place, even though the 504 requires the school to give me that place and freely let me leave class if I'm panicking to go to a "safe place". This mess has caused me to "refuse" (I use this word very lightly, as I'm not defiantly refusing school, the fear of school is so overwhelming that it causes me to be overly apprehensive about attending) school in general, and my family and I have had several blowouts on school mornings where I end up punished for my extreme fear. My parents are really great and I love them and they try their hardest to get me all the help I need, but they're so absolutely done with me, and they've even said right out "We think we need to send you to a special ed school"/"We need a vacation"/"We can't do this anymore" and it's really hurtful, because it makes me feel so guilty about this issue that I've had an extreme difficulty in controlling lately. My CBT specialist is absolutely incredible, but even he constantly puts the pressure on me to go to school, which causes even more anxiety, as I feel so trapped, as if I can't escape the nightmare that is school- I can't stay home, I can't have a safe place to relax at school, and I feel as if I'm literally imprisoned. If I had open campus I feel like my anxiety would be slightly lessened, but only seniors get that privilege. My teachers are all aware of this problem, and all of them are fairly understanding, but I don't think they understand that I'm not doing this just to be truant. Worst of all, I'm taking an honors English class (I've always loved English) yet this year it's been torture, as the curriculum is so rigorous and the teacher is extremely intimidating, and the classroom and desks are so small and pushed together that I end up missing that class the most due to the anxiety it causes me- which has resulted in me having so much work to make up, and for example, I have 35 paragraphs to write by Monday. I don't see dropping my honors classes as an option, as I've always strived to do well in school, but my motivation to do so has started to deteriorate, as I feel so overwhelmed by my schoolwork that it makes me panic and cry, which is something that has never happened before- I've always been responsible and not stressed out by my homework. I still get everything done, but it's so so tough, and I don't know how I'm going to react to the SATs and ACTs in 2/3 years, when I can barely finish a midterm without crying/panicking. I get how I need to "grow up" and move on, as I get told that multiple times every day, but I seriously can not control my emetephobia, and it has absolutely nothing to do with my maturity level or my intentions, as I so wish that I could attend class each day with a perfect attendance, have all my schoolwork under control, and hang out with my friends, but it just doesn't seem possible at the moment. I'm really sick of being laughed at and ridiculed by certain psychology interns, and it's not fair that I'm being yelled at or reprimanded for an issue that's currently beyond my control.
I apologize for that being so long, I just can't go on like this as it's WAY too much for me to handle, and I really need some changes to be put in place. Am I wrong in saying that it's not right that I'm constantly being out down and punished for my anxiety? You can be completely honest. Does anyone have any suggestions? I'd really appreciate it, as I'm miserable :(
So this year is my first year of high school, which is supposed to be fun, but it's been absolute torture. I have severe emetephobia and OCD, both of which I've suffered from since kindergarten. Both of my anxiety issues have never been worse than they are now, most likely due to the transition from middle to high school. I was completely fine during September, but by the end of October, I was miserable. I've been missing a lot of class (I sit in the guidance office, nurse, or psychologist's office) and last quarter, I ended up with high 70's in a few classes, which is the first time ever that I've had my grades drop like that, and I even did pretty horribly on my midterms due to being so anxious. I was forced to go on Zoloft over Christmas break in December, and I stayed on it for 4 weeks, but I was absolutely miserable every day, as I was sick due to the medication and I ended up losing 15 pounds in a span of 2 weeks. Besides making me sick, the Zoloft also sparked my OCD, which has been very severe since December. I suffer with intrusive thoughts about the fear of becoming schizophrenic, suicidal, or any other mental illness of the like that would potentially be life ruining. I started CBT in Janurary, and at the moment it has really helped with the OCD part of things, yet I can not seem to shake my emetephobia as I've been living with it for so long. I've also been missing out on a lot of fun, and I've generally been spending a lot more time at home alone. It's not that I don't have friends, I have plenty (not to be cocky) but sometimes just leaving the house seems way too daunting.
Anyways, this post is supposed to be about school and the personnel at school. I may be in the wrong about this, so I could really use some advice, as it's made me mildly depressed (when I've never had any history of depression, nor does it run in my family, it's situational, and it's very out of the norm for me, as I'm usually very happy go lucky, and nothing usually gets me down.) So many things about high school make me nervous, like the upperclassmen, the size of the building- you name it, and it probably makes me anxious. Although for the past two weeks I've been considerably better with being in class, my anxiety got to a point in November where I was spending full periods in the guidance office or nurse, and at its worst, I spent 4 periods, equivalent to about 3 hours, in guidance. And I don't say that proudly, as I feel fairly ashamed and guilty about it, as I've always been very obidient and I never have the intention to purposely cut class. In Janurary, I received a 504 plan, yet since then, the school personnel has actually been LESS understanding than they were prior to the 504. Almost everyone (guidance counselors, the nurse, my teachers, etc) thinks I'm faking it, and that I'm being purposely truant. The nurse has actually called the vice principal on me, and she claimed that I was cutting class, so I got escorted to class and VERY rudely treated by my vice principal, as he told me that he "didn't want to hear it" and that I need to "cut it out"- all of this took place in the midst of a severe panic attack, and I was hyperventilating so intensely that I made myself very dizzy. Every time I walk into the nurse, she already shoots me dirty looks before I even start talking, and once I tell her what's wrong (my complaint is normally that I'm very nauseous/sick, as the physical symptoms of my anxiety normally mimic a stomach flu/regular flu) she tells me to go back to class. I politely ask if I can sit for 5 minutes just to calm down, but she does not allow me, and the only words that she says is "go back to class". My guidance counselor is the most understanding, but I can tell that she is often upset with me if I spend a considerable amount of time out of class, which is understandable. I have a feeling that everyone in the school has been told to not let me sit and calm down and just send me back to class, which is beyond distressing for me. I NEED a place where I'm able to sit and calm myself down as I often suffer very serious panic attacks at school, but I haven't been given that place, even though the 504 requires the school to give me that place and freely let me leave class if I'm panicking to go to a "safe place". This mess has caused me to "refuse" (I use this word very lightly, as I'm not defiantly refusing school, the fear of school is so overwhelming that it causes me to be overly apprehensive about attending) school in general, and my family and I have had several blowouts on school mornings where I end up punished for my extreme fear. My parents are really great and I love them and they try their hardest to get me all the help I need, but they're so absolutely done with me, and they've even said right out "We think we need to send you to a special ed school"/"We need a vacation"/"We can't do this anymore" and it's really hurtful, because it makes me feel so guilty about this issue that I've had an extreme difficulty in controlling lately. My CBT specialist is absolutely incredible, but even he constantly puts the pressure on me to go to school, which causes even more anxiety, as I feel so trapped, as if I can't escape the nightmare that is school- I can't stay home, I can't have a safe place to relax at school, and I feel as if I'm literally imprisoned. If I had open campus I feel like my anxiety would be slightly lessened, but only seniors get that privilege. My teachers are all aware of this problem, and all of them are fairly understanding, but I don't think they understand that I'm not doing this just to be truant. Worst of all, I'm taking an honors English class (I've always loved English) yet this year it's been torture, as the curriculum is so rigorous and the teacher is extremely intimidating, and the classroom and desks are so small and pushed together that I end up missing that class the most due to the anxiety it causes me- which has resulted in me having so much work to make up, and for example, I have 35 paragraphs to write by Monday. I don't see dropping my honors classes as an option, as I've always strived to do well in school, but my motivation to do so has started to deteriorate, as I feel so overwhelmed by my schoolwork that it makes me panic and cry, which is something that has never happened before- I've always been responsible and not stressed out by my homework. I still get everything done, but it's so so tough, and I don't know how I'm going to react to the SATs and ACTs in 2/3 years, when I can barely finish a midterm without crying/panicking. I get how I need to "grow up" and move on, as I get told that multiple times every day, but I seriously can not control my emetephobia, and it has absolutely nothing to do with my maturity level or my intentions, as I so wish that I could attend class each day with a perfect attendance, have all my schoolwork under control, and hang out with my friends, but it just doesn't seem possible at the moment. I'm really sick of being laughed at and ridiculed by certain psychology interns, and it's not fair that I'm being yelled at or reprimanded for an issue that's currently beyond my control.
I apologize for that being so long, I just can't go on like this as it's WAY too much for me to handle, and I really need some changes to be put in place. Am I wrong in saying that it's not right that I'm constantly being out down and punished for my anxiety? You can be completely honest. Does anyone have any suggestions? I'd really appreciate it, as I'm miserable :(