Jack Scolon
03-08-2014, 05:57 AM
So here's my story. Warning you right now...tl;dr.
This all started over 2 years ago. I've had social anxiety since at least middle school, so since I was about 12 or 13. I'm 34 now, so over half my life anxiety has been an issue. Around the same time, and i hadn't realized it until revent years, is also when I started having abdominal pain. First very sporadic, then as years passed it became chronic, a monthly occurrence. Only relief came after emptying my bowels which usually came out as broth even if it went in roasted chicken. I don't have intestines, I have a blender down there. It sucks, it hurts, and it was finally diagnosed in 2009 as "IBS." IBS. Yeah, what is that? Apparently no one really knows. I was put on librium, which has a very low dose of a benzo in it, 3 times a day and I followed this until an issue with my insurance came up and I had to quit taking the medication. I started self medicating it with Benadryl after hearing that in certain doses, it can have sedative effects. Low and behold, it worked. I found OTC relief for my IBS. I won Life. I could still over indulge and hurt myself, but as I've gotten older I've started eating less. So it's a rare occurrence now.
I've been smoking weed since I was 15. Loved it. Until I started noticing that it made me feel like I had to make myself breathe, like that part of my brain turned the cruise control off and now I have to work the pedals. Also, fast heartbeat. So I barely smoke now. Literally, I pinch pieces off of buds equivalent to what you'd give a gold fish, put it in a one hitter and I can get a little buzz going without the sky falling. Another conquest. Seriously, I can't drink. Family history. And I had a half year bender that led to all sorts of interesting stories but for the sake of time and patience, we won't get into that. Just know that I'm a person who likes to party, I like to get buzzed and life without such pleasures is no life at all. I'm insistent on that. That may seem sad or pathetic to you, but I don't care. That's my way. You can have your families and kids and yoga and whatever...I have drugs. When one is truly harmful, I back off like with the alcohol. When one ceases to please me, I stop or make adjustments. My whole life I've done probably every drug you can imagine excluding shooting heroin. I loved pain killers, but I never got hooked. Once I understood the risk of addiction, I showed some self restraint and only did them in moderation. This info is important, to let you know who you're dealing with here. I have vices, but I'm not a complete dummy.
So all of that above? It was an appetizer. Here's the reason why I came here. One night, over two years ago I had an "episode," like the one I described. Having to make myself breathe, heart doing weird things like beating fast or so faint I couldn't feel it at all. Only this time, I was convinced I was either having a heart attack, a lung collapse or a seizure. I didn't know what it was. We only had one car at the time and my room mate was at her 2nd shift job with the only cell phone that we also shared. She worked way out in the middle of the desert and traveled down a highway to and from, so I wanted her to have it in case of an emergency.
But this episode happens, and it's the worst feeling I've ever had. Absolutely horrifying. So I literally went next door and asked a lady I'd known for a while to take me to the ER. She does office work for a clinic and she immediately said it couldn't be a heart attack or anything I was thinking it was. She called it a panic attack. I hadn't heard that since the Sopranos ended. So we go to the ER, I thank her and send her on her way and after 3 hours in the emergency room I'm taken back, they ran some tests, took blood, blood pressure and whatever else. Everything was fine, except my BP was a little too high but I was told then and afterward that it had nothing to do with the issue I came in for. Again, it was called a panic attack or an anxiety attack...whatever. Just make it stop and call it cured, pretty please, with sugar on top.
So he did. He gave me ativan and it went away. So then I went away, calling my room mate to pick me up and getting on a sliding fee scale so I could go see a doctor about it. A general practitioner. Real nice guy, he did labs and took tests and decided to try and put me on some kind of sedative which did not work. In fact, 2 hours after taking my second dose I had another extreme panic attack and despite knowing that I could go back to the ER and probably get another ativan, it didn't seem worth it at the time. I'm still skeptical that it's all in my head, there has to be some kind of physical explanation for this. So I go back to Dr. Feelgood and he makes everything alright...Xanax, .5 twice a day. I'm so disappointed I don't even pick it up for 2 days. I just want this thing corrected, not more pills. But I get this stuff and my first panic attack with it, I take it, and it's gone. Killed it dead.
I fell in love. However, just like every woman I've ever loved, it was trouble. So this doctor ends up writing me scripts for close to 2 years, with refills just by communicating with the clinic and pharmacy by telephone. First it's 2 refills, then it's 3. Soon I'm getting early refills because I'm needing more. But I'm not paying attention to it, it said take 2 a day AS NEEDED...which at the time sounded like "eat me when you need me, and whenever you need me." And I did. If twice a day didn't cut it, I'd have one for lunch, too. When one pill ceased working, I started taking two. I go and see the doctor to report this and he bumped me up to 1mg. Same story, only when I go to talk to him about either upping the dosage or giving me an option to take the medication 3 times a day instead of two...he was gone! I don't know if it was a promotion or a demotion, but he was a surgeon in an ER now. So I'm like, whatever, I come in and see the nurse practitioner and she's not so script happy. And she doesn't like the routine the last doctor set up. And she's more worried about her license than my health. So we talk things over and she writes me a script for the Xanax, which would be my last one but I didn't know it at the time, a long with 15 klonipin.
That weekend I don't take any of it because it was my brother's birthday so we went to Vegas and got blitzed. It was fun. Then I got home and discovered that getting blitzed is a panic attack trigger when you're coming down during a hangover. So I pop some pills, none of them work for a while until finally 2 of the klonipin did the trick and finally made it possible for me to relax and get to sleep. So in my mind, I'm thinking this is a good alternative because of it's longer half life. So I say fine, we'll change medications...not knowing I wouldn't be able to get either my Xanax back or even an increased dose once a non alcohol related panic attack hit. The klonipin would just dull it. So now I want my Xanax back and she won't do it. She also refused to increase the dosage of the klonipin. She also never gave me refills so every time I needed to get more, I had to jump through hoops and politely hound thee clinic and the pharmacy for it. Soon, I'm wondering what the big deal is and I look into it and find out this stuff I've been taking is like a fish hook. And the icing on the cake? Most doctors either aren't aware or simply apathetic about the fact that cold turkey would lead to withdrawals and possibly a seizure. I've had some really bad weekends, last week was the worst because I ran out and my script refill was too early. I'm talking to a pharmacy tech, telling her I need this medication or I could DIE...and she's being a customer service bot. Saying literally, I KNOW that, but I'm sorry there's nothing I can do"...
And I'm sure she couldn't. By the grace of god or whatever, the pharmacist got wind of it, called the nurse practitioner at home and made it happen. Otherwise I'd be in real bad shape right now. As if I'm not in bad enough shape as it is. This also came a week after having emergency surgery on my gut, finally that "IBS" resulted in what they call an "intercepted bowel," where the only thing coming out of my back end was blood for about 12 hours. Right before surgery I finally had a real bowel movement and the pain declined, but not completely. We all agreed I needed to be cut open. So we did that, everything was fixed up and I was on my way. But for some reason, I needed even more klonipin than usual which led to the early refill request. And it was already early practically every time I had gotten it before then, but now all the sudden it was a problem. I had been referred to behavioral health, got on a better insurance plan and I have an appointment with a psychiatrist set up for April 3rd. Up until that time I was told I would be "bridged" with the medication. But this bottle is the last I'll be able to get until that appointment and there's NO way it's going to last until then. It's a low dose for a person in my situation, where i've been on benzos for 2 years already. I haven't had my dose bumped up even though the early refills are red flags that should have made this Nurse practitioner want to see me, because I wanted to see her. It's blatantly obvious that I'm dependent on this drug, but I refuse to accept the label of "drug addict" because it's demeaning, belittling and i never asked for this crap to begin with. I take this for relief, not to get high. As I stated above, I do like drugs, it's a vice I admit to but I've never gotten hooked on anything hard until NOW. And that's all thanks to a doctor.
TBC...
This all started over 2 years ago. I've had social anxiety since at least middle school, so since I was about 12 or 13. I'm 34 now, so over half my life anxiety has been an issue. Around the same time, and i hadn't realized it until revent years, is also when I started having abdominal pain. First very sporadic, then as years passed it became chronic, a monthly occurrence. Only relief came after emptying my bowels which usually came out as broth even if it went in roasted chicken. I don't have intestines, I have a blender down there. It sucks, it hurts, and it was finally diagnosed in 2009 as "IBS." IBS. Yeah, what is that? Apparently no one really knows. I was put on librium, which has a very low dose of a benzo in it, 3 times a day and I followed this until an issue with my insurance came up and I had to quit taking the medication. I started self medicating it with Benadryl after hearing that in certain doses, it can have sedative effects. Low and behold, it worked. I found OTC relief for my IBS. I won Life. I could still over indulge and hurt myself, but as I've gotten older I've started eating less. So it's a rare occurrence now.
I've been smoking weed since I was 15. Loved it. Until I started noticing that it made me feel like I had to make myself breathe, like that part of my brain turned the cruise control off and now I have to work the pedals. Also, fast heartbeat. So I barely smoke now. Literally, I pinch pieces off of buds equivalent to what you'd give a gold fish, put it in a one hitter and I can get a little buzz going without the sky falling. Another conquest. Seriously, I can't drink. Family history. And I had a half year bender that led to all sorts of interesting stories but for the sake of time and patience, we won't get into that. Just know that I'm a person who likes to party, I like to get buzzed and life without such pleasures is no life at all. I'm insistent on that. That may seem sad or pathetic to you, but I don't care. That's my way. You can have your families and kids and yoga and whatever...I have drugs. When one is truly harmful, I back off like with the alcohol. When one ceases to please me, I stop or make adjustments. My whole life I've done probably every drug you can imagine excluding shooting heroin. I loved pain killers, but I never got hooked. Once I understood the risk of addiction, I showed some self restraint and only did them in moderation. This info is important, to let you know who you're dealing with here. I have vices, but I'm not a complete dummy.
So all of that above? It was an appetizer. Here's the reason why I came here. One night, over two years ago I had an "episode," like the one I described. Having to make myself breathe, heart doing weird things like beating fast or so faint I couldn't feel it at all. Only this time, I was convinced I was either having a heart attack, a lung collapse or a seizure. I didn't know what it was. We only had one car at the time and my room mate was at her 2nd shift job with the only cell phone that we also shared. She worked way out in the middle of the desert and traveled down a highway to and from, so I wanted her to have it in case of an emergency.
But this episode happens, and it's the worst feeling I've ever had. Absolutely horrifying. So I literally went next door and asked a lady I'd known for a while to take me to the ER. She does office work for a clinic and she immediately said it couldn't be a heart attack or anything I was thinking it was. She called it a panic attack. I hadn't heard that since the Sopranos ended. So we go to the ER, I thank her and send her on her way and after 3 hours in the emergency room I'm taken back, they ran some tests, took blood, blood pressure and whatever else. Everything was fine, except my BP was a little too high but I was told then and afterward that it had nothing to do with the issue I came in for. Again, it was called a panic attack or an anxiety attack...whatever. Just make it stop and call it cured, pretty please, with sugar on top.
So he did. He gave me ativan and it went away. So then I went away, calling my room mate to pick me up and getting on a sliding fee scale so I could go see a doctor about it. A general practitioner. Real nice guy, he did labs and took tests and decided to try and put me on some kind of sedative which did not work. In fact, 2 hours after taking my second dose I had another extreme panic attack and despite knowing that I could go back to the ER and probably get another ativan, it didn't seem worth it at the time. I'm still skeptical that it's all in my head, there has to be some kind of physical explanation for this. So I go back to Dr. Feelgood and he makes everything alright...Xanax, .5 twice a day. I'm so disappointed I don't even pick it up for 2 days. I just want this thing corrected, not more pills. But I get this stuff and my first panic attack with it, I take it, and it's gone. Killed it dead.
I fell in love. However, just like every woman I've ever loved, it was trouble. So this doctor ends up writing me scripts for close to 2 years, with refills just by communicating with the clinic and pharmacy by telephone. First it's 2 refills, then it's 3. Soon I'm getting early refills because I'm needing more. But I'm not paying attention to it, it said take 2 a day AS NEEDED...which at the time sounded like "eat me when you need me, and whenever you need me." And I did. If twice a day didn't cut it, I'd have one for lunch, too. When one pill ceased working, I started taking two. I go and see the doctor to report this and he bumped me up to 1mg. Same story, only when I go to talk to him about either upping the dosage or giving me an option to take the medication 3 times a day instead of two...he was gone! I don't know if it was a promotion or a demotion, but he was a surgeon in an ER now. So I'm like, whatever, I come in and see the nurse practitioner and she's not so script happy. And she doesn't like the routine the last doctor set up. And she's more worried about her license than my health. So we talk things over and she writes me a script for the Xanax, which would be my last one but I didn't know it at the time, a long with 15 klonipin.
That weekend I don't take any of it because it was my brother's birthday so we went to Vegas and got blitzed. It was fun. Then I got home and discovered that getting blitzed is a panic attack trigger when you're coming down during a hangover. So I pop some pills, none of them work for a while until finally 2 of the klonipin did the trick and finally made it possible for me to relax and get to sleep. So in my mind, I'm thinking this is a good alternative because of it's longer half life. So I say fine, we'll change medications...not knowing I wouldn't be able to get either my Xanax back or even an increased dose once a non alcohol related panic attack hit. The klonipin would just dull it. So now I want my Xanax back and she won't do it. She also refused to increase the dosage of the klonipin. She also never gave me refills so every time I needed to get more, I had to jump through hoops and politely hound thee clinic and the pharmacy for it. Soon, I'm wondering what the big deal is and I look into it and find out this stuff I've been taking is like a fish hook. And the icing on the cake? Most doctors either aren't aware or simply apathetic about the fact that cold turkey would lead to withdrawals and possibly a seizure. I've had some really bad weekends, last week was the worst because I ran out and my script refill was too early. I'm talking to a pharmacy tech, telling her I need this medication or I could DIE...and she's being a customer service bot. Saying literally, I KNOW that, but I'm sorry there's nothing I can do"...
And I'm sure she couldn't. By the grace of god or whatever, the pharmacist got wind of it, called the nurse practitioner at home and made it happen. Otherwise I'd be in real bad shape right now. As if I'm not in bad enough shape as it is. This also came a week after having emergency surgery on my gut, finally that "IBS" resulted in what they call an "intercepted bowel," where the only thing coming out of my back end was blood for about 12 hours. Right before surgery I finally had a real bowel movement and the pain declined, but not completely. We all agreed I needed to be cut open. So we did that, everything was fixed up and I was on my way. But for some reason, I needed even more klonipin than usual which led to the early refill request. And it was already early practically every time I had gotten it before then, but now all the sudden it was a problem. I had been referred to behavioral health, got on a better insurance plan and I have an appointment with a psychiatrist set up for April 3rd. Up until that time I was told I would be "bridged" with the medication. But this bottle is the last I'll be able to get until that appointment and there's NO way it's going to last until then. It's a low dose for a person in my situation, where i've been on benzos for 2 years already. I haven't had my dose bumped up even though the early refills are red flags that should have made this Nurse practitioner want to see me, because I wanted to see her. It's blatantly obvious that I'm dependent on this drug, but I refuse to accept the label of "drug addict" because it's demeaning, belittling and i never asked for this crap to begin with. I take this for relief, not to get high. As I stated above, I do like drugs, it's a vice I admit to but I've never gotten hooked on anything hard until NOW. And that's all thanks to a doctor.
TBC...