Help please

[Michael33]

Hi everyone, I've had some new problems recently that I'm finding increasingly difficult to describe, so I'm wondering if anyone else has the same problems.

I've seen a psychologist about 6-7 times in the last two months, my issues started with a panic attack 3 months ago and since then my anxiety symptoms have been relieved for the most part. The fluttering in the chest, restlessness at night, cold hands and chills, shortness of breath etc. For the last month or so, it's been more of a battle in my mind than anything else. I've had this strange ongoing feeling that I just can't explain, I can be not thinking of anything, just relaxing or doing something but I always just feel weird, like something about me feels very very wrong or strange. I had some intrusive thoughts a month back that scared the hell out of me, my psychologist told me it was a form of Pure O and it revolved around suicide, I worried so so much about it, that I was going to lose control and do it even thought I completely know I don't want to. That's gotten a lot better, but I still have this extremely weird feeling as if I'm in a dream, I look up DP/DR but it's not like that. I don't really feel outside my body, I just feel really damn weird - it's a feeling that I believe if it were gone, I'd be perfectly fine. I've also had weird thoughts where I contemplate what happens after death, or thinking about what the point of life is.. Weird stuff like that, and a week ago I was very emotional, I was highly irritable and really dwelled on an argument with one of my friends. I also had a few thoughts where I felt like crying and I was thinking "I don't want to die", but I know I'm not going to. I'm in perfect health and those thoughts I had were just obsessive thoughts, no way in hell I would want to kill myself, my life is perfect for the most part.

Anyone know what the heck this weird feeling is, and why I think about that crap like life after death, the point in life etc? It gives me a little bit of anxiety when I think about it, but last year I got 97% in a philosophy/epistomology course that revolved a lot around life, however the difference is I didn't have anxiety problems then so I actually loved studying it, it really didn't phase me whatsoever. Now it does, because in combination with my previous intrusive/obsessive thoughts about suicide, questioning what happens after death freaks me into thinking I'm suicidal. It's the strangest thought cycle.. and this weird feeling doesn't help.

I also forgot to add, whenever I have those obsessive thoughts I feel compelled to do research on the internet, but everytime I do it just makes it worse.. I end up coming across articles that just scare the hell out of me. Like I read about some Swedish study that said anxiety and suicide are becoming highly linked, and then I start wondering why the hell would people kill themselves, am I going to end up doing it to? Since the anxieties all in my head, it feels like it might control me to do so - as if I was losing control. These uncertainties drive me nuts.

I should add, I'm on absolutely no medication. I'm scared to take any SSRI because it says they cause suicidal behavior and that worries me a lot.

[NixonRulz]

Wow. That is a lot to wrap your head around. I'll try to give an opinion on how you wrote them out

First, the feeling you have that doesn't feel like depersonalization. If I understand what you are describing, chronic anxiety will do this.

i had the same feeling for months and did not understand why it would not stop. medication (SSRI) did make it cease

The reason you spend so much time thinking about death and what happens after is that is what your anxious brain decided to focus on

It doesn't matter what we obsess about. We all seem to share some obsessive thoughts and have a few all to ourselves

The intrusive thoughts on the other hand are the scariest of them all. Thinking of suicide, killing or hurting your family or friends, killing someone in a car wreck, etc....

All completely normal but the moment you think of them, they often come with a wave of adrenaline so you get scared and start fearing them to be true

The link between suicide and anxiety is somewhat indirect. We all know how much we are sick of feeling anxious.

But in most cases, not all, the anxiety is so bad that the person feels they will never get better and then depression sets in.

That is more the direct link to suicide

The fear of meds and the SSRI's are one of the biggest problems. Something not taken that can help so much becasue of the very slim possibility that you will have a major reaction side effect

And of course suicide and SSRI's worry you. You have anxiety so lots of things worry you

If you want to take them, just work closely with a medical doctor for the first few months to make sure you are not having any adverse effects

They will help you a great deal by calming your thoughts and reduce the feeling of panic and that feeling you are getting that you can't seem to shake off

[Damaged77]

Hi Michael!
I totally understand what you are going through. I have gone through depression, which I am and have been on pills for about 3 years now. I never wanted to go on them because I didn't want to be a zombie that walked around and felt nothing. But before I went on them I got to the point where I was nothing but angry. With thoughts of death and suicide. And my very dear friend Fran "Franma" said to me. Shawn, go on meds. And do it for you! You will be glad you did and you will get the old you back. So I did, and she was 100% right. It took some time but i got "me" back. And then it was just in the past 3 years we lost grandpa, Nana, and just a month ago I got the news that Franma was diagnosed with stage 4 liver cancer, and it destroyed me. And even though it was sudden for me, she had been experiencing symptoms for a long time. And In this time frame my doctor took me off a blood pressure pill that was causing me to have similar symptoms Franma had been going through. And then like yourself I did the wrong thing and got online and starting researching these symptoms and worse things came up then what I thought and one night at work I had a full blown panic attack. And then 2 days later my other half had a panic attack and that sent me into orbit, because now I am thinking what is wrong with both of us? So we went to the doctor and the doctor said we are healthy. It was a panic attack brought on by anxiety. But also like you, I still have it in my mind that something is still wrong with me. And I do have attacks and I still get online, but I am the kind of person who wants proof and answers, and really the only person to do that is your doctor. It is a mind thing. And the best thing is to be around family and friends and you know we are a family here. And like Hannah and I said yesterday if you have tv shows, or you draw or write or read, by all means immerse yourself in it. It really does help to take your mind off things. And if you need anything we are here for you. :)

[Michael33]

Thanks a lot for your help guys, you're all amazing and very helpful.

I'm worried to go on meds for the side effects, but also because I've been very athletic my whole life and I was on Ativan after I had my first panic attack and it made me very uncoordinated and somewhat lazy. I'm going to go to the doctor as soon as possible and get prescribed some medication though, we'll see how it goes.