Problems with the ladies :P

[Eli337]

I have a feeling this is going to be a lengthy post but I'd really appreciate it you'd take the time to read it and offer some advice.

For the past 2 years, I've almost completely bottled up my emotions. When something bad happens I say I'm fine and drop the subject when I feel like I'm a complete wreck. I find it extremely difficult to open up to people. I want to but I feel like I'll just breakdown and cry before I can say anything beyond 'Can I talk to you about something?'. I have a lot to say so excuse me if it seems incoherent or if I rabble.

I'm 18 years old and I feel like I've wasted the best part of my life. I'd like to think I have a good social life. I have my 5 close friends and the 30 or so friends I see around town and hangout with. The problem is I've never had a girlfriend, as embarrassing as it is. I've never had much luck with girls and I used to try and find that girl for me but I always ended getting hurt so I just stopped. I figured I'd eventually meet someone who actually liked me for me but it never happened. I started to hate/blame myself for it and lost the small amount of self esteem and confidence I had. Then it turned into people kind of wondering why I never had a girlfriend. So, naturally, people started to think I was gay. My friends joke about it and stuff and always ask me why I've never had one. I just say I haven't met anyone that interested me and change the subject. The truth is I'm just scared, really. One of the problems is I haven't had any sexual contact with a girl in a little over 2 years. I've built it up in my head as such a daunting event that I just kinda freak out about it. What if I'm a bad kisser? What if I just freeze up? What happens if I do something embarrassing and she tells everyone? Those questions and more usually race through my mind.
I think a lot of what stops me is the reaction I'm going get from all my friends. I live in a small enough city where most teenagers know, or at least know of each other. I just know I'm going to be the butt of all jokes for good while when I eventually get a girlfriend. Don't get me wrong, My friends will be happy for me but it's just our way of messing around with each other. I know it is a very stupid thing to stop me but I guess my anxiety is to blame for that.

Right now, I'm not doing very well. Depressed or worried to death most of the time. I'm just really lonely, I guess. I'd like to think I'd be a lot happier with someone.

Any advice on how to get out of this rut I'm stuck in?

[jessed03]

You need to look into CBT thinking errors. Google this term, and you'll find you're unknowingly committing many. I can see future predictions in your posts, and that's just one of many. I could list them if you'd like, but I think it will be more enlightening if you read about them for yourself, and those light bulbs go off inside your head, when you realize what you're doing wrong.

You're so young, most of the stuff you're fearful of is either slightly catastrophic in nature, or won't be a big deal even if it was true. I don't mean that in a patronizing way at all by the way, I think each one of us can say the same thing about our fears.

You have so much to enjoy when you get beyond this, and with a little CBT, you will get beyond it. You're made for that type,of therapy. :)

[jessed03]

You get out of these types of ruts, when your mind does. That easy and that difficult for us folk!

Learning to express emotion better may help too? I'll see if I can find a good link on that, I only have books. Once you stop with the 'thinking errors' and process emotion better, there will be far less noise dragging you down.

[kateb]

Yeah I think Jessed is right that it is to do with your thought process. Also, maybe it will help to know that actually, you are totally 'normal'? Many many people don't meet their first girlfriend or boyfriend until they are way into college, and although people THINK that it is the norm to have lots of sexual experiences when you are young, truthfully the majority of people don't - and if they do, according to surveys in the uk at least, up to 80% of them would have advised a friend to wait/think that it is better to wait.

So actually, not only is it quite common not to meet someone til your late teens. early 20s or beyond, but also, it is probably better for you! When you do meet the right person (and it WILL happen, even if it is in a few years) you will be much more mature, know yourself much better, and also hopefully have learned some coping strategies to deal with your anxiety, which will have a positive effect on any relationships. Maybe by then you will also have moved on past your neighbourhood or friendship group, or found out who is really supportive or not. It sounds like your friends are a little immature if they joke about this stuff, and if you think they would react negatively - why should they react negatively? It is your decision, your life, they should be supportive.

So I guess what I'm saying is, try and see it as a positive thing, and if you can, 'own' it as a personal choice which is right for you.

Everyone matures at different paces anyway, so there is no 'one size fits all' for relationships.

Hope any of that helps! :)

[Eli337]

You need to look into CBT thinking errors. Google this term, and you'll find you're unknowingly committing many. I can see future predictions in your posts, and that's just one of many. I could list them if you'd like, but I think it will be more enlightening if you read about them for yourself, and those light bulbs go off inside your head, when you realize what you're doing wrong.


Wow, thanks for the info :) This really was an eye opener.


Learning to express emotion better may help too?

That is something I've been trying to do for a while. Every time I try and talk about my problems or how I feel I'm on the verge of tears. To add to that, every person I know, bar one, thinks absolutely nothing is wrong with me and that I'm fine. I really don't know how I can open up after being so emotionally closed off for so long.


Yeah I think Jessed is right that it is to do with your thought process. Also, maybe it will help to know that actually, you are totally 'normal'? Many many people don't meet their first girlfriend or boyfriend until they are way into college, and although people THINK that it is the norm to have lots of sexual experiences when you are young, truthfully the majority of people don't - and if they do, according to surveys in the uk at least, up to 80% of them would have advised a friend to wait/think that it is better to wait.

So actually, not only is it quite common not to meet someone til your late teens. early 20s or beyond, but also, it is probably better for you! When you do meet the right person (and it WILL happen, even if it is in a few years) you will be much more mature, know yourself much better, and also hopefully have learned some coping strategies to deal with your anxiety, which will have a positive effect on any relationships. Maybe by then you will also have moved on past your neighbourhood or friendship group, or found out who is really supportive or not. It sounds like your friends are a little immature if they joke about this stuff, and if you think they would react negatively - why should they react negatively? It is your decision, your life, they should be supportive.

So I guess what I'm saying is, try and see it as a positive thing, and if you can, 'own' it as a personal choice which is right for you.

Everyone matures at different paces anyway, so there is no 'one size fits all' for relationships.

Thank you, appreciate the advice :) I understand where you're coming from but I feel like when I meet the right person, which could be a while, I'll be too afraid to do anything about. My problem is just going to get worse with time and I'd say its pretty bad already. I've been interested in a couple of girls but just to scared to act. Right now, there's an amazingly beautiful girl I kinda know who's smart and funny, but I can't even look her in the eye. I'm thinking I could be a lot happier with her but why would she want to be with me? She could get any guy she wants and I can't even make it through the day without crying. I guess this is a 'thinking error' but I don't see much reason have any sort of attraction to me.

Btw My friends are very supportive and wouldn't react negatively, it's just that we all poke fun at each other sometimes and, unfortunately, I get made fun of for my inability to get a girlfriend :P