FlyingBy
02-26-2014, 11:35 AM
Hi all,
I've been a long-time lurker of various anxiety+depression forums & as of 3 days ago, have finally decided to do something about my illness! A bit of history, I'm a 26-year old female from Canada, and as far back as I can remember I've had anxiety issues. I remember being about 12 years old, and wearing a halter monitor due to increased HR at odd times (likely panic attacks), as well as multiple other diagnostic tests that all came back normal. For quite some time my issue had disappeared. I was fairly content throughout high school, although not outgoing, I did stick with a small but great group of friends. I've always been somewhat of an introvert. After high school I went through an unpleasant break-up of a long-term relationship, and from then on my issues spiralled out of control. I gained a considerable amount of weight in a short period of time which completely destroyed my social life, self esteem and confidence, I lost touch with many close friends & found myself jumping from one meaningless relationship (friends & romantic) to the next. I allowed myself to be treated poorly by others because I felt this is all I deserved. I look terrible, so I shouldn't expect to be well-liked (was my mindset). This was a tough battle to deal with for quite some time. Despite all of this, I somehow found myself in University, trying to ignore my depression & anxiety in order to accomplish a goal. It was a roller coaster. I missed classes, exams, and failed a few courses during my first couple of years due to my A&D. I would feel so depressed & anxious about attending class, then when I wouldn't go I'd feel a sense of relief for a short period of time until the anxiety about failing set in. It was never ending. Luckily enough, I ended up meeting a few great classmates halfway through & my success drastically improved. My A&D was still very real, but studying, completing assignments and working with these classmates, I suddenly felt accountable to others & although I still contemplated skipping classes, exams and other obligations, I could never go through with it as easily as I once did. I ended up graduating and getting a job fairly quickly (this was 2 years ago) where I'm still working today.
Unfortunately, I still haven't been able to progress in any other aspect. I still suffer from A&D and feel as if it's only getting worse, the older I get. I'm constantly thinking of things I can do, accomplish that might finally make me happy. Furthering my education? moving? getting a new job? buying this? going here? any idea, and I've thought about it. I feel as though I'm on a constant quest for happiness that I just can't seem to find & the longer I take, the worse it gets, the more hopeless I become. Now I will say I have never thought of or attempted to self-harm. To best describe my feelings I'd have to say I want to live so much, it's exhausting!
Over the past few months things have gotten worse. I've had many physical symptoms of A&D. Body aches, heart palpations, racing heart, waking up from sleep with a high HR in a panic, tiredness, irritability, agitation, the list goes on and on. Once again, I had a collection of diagnostic tests that all came back normal & my doctor has put me on Escitalopram 20mg. Now, I will say I do not like the idea of any of these drugs. I'm afraid of them, afraid of the effect they may have on me, afraid of becoming a blur, or even worse, afraid of them worsening my mental health issues to the extent of hospitalization (which I have seen happen). I've also read about hair loss, loss of sex-drive, weight gain and other physical, and appearance side effects that frighten me as my confidence is already shattered. If any of these side effects happen, I know it will only make things worse for me, not better. Regardless of this, I have taken 2 doses so far & have felt terrible. I can't sleep, yet will lay in bed for up to 12 hours, I feel nauseous, dizzy, overall not well. I haven't taken a dose yet today, and am contemplating doing so as we speak. I've read nothing but negative comments about this drug online, and although I know people don't come to the internet to post positive reviews, I feel like it's a risk I don't want to take.
I do work in a field that requires attention to detail, and mental clarity (I'm in healthcare) & am now worried about continuing this drug as I cannot take time off work to get over the first few weeks of terrible symptoms, but worry about possible mistakes, or mental fog if I do continue taking it, while working.
I'm just at a loss right now & I'm unsure what to do. Any input, suggestions or words of encouragement? Feeling quite hopeless right now.
I've been a long-time lurker of various anxiety+depression forums & as of 3 days ago, have finally decided to do something about my illness! A bit of history, I'm a 26-year old female from Canada, and as far back as I can remember I've had anxiety issues. I remember being about 12 years old, and wearing a halter monitor due to increased HR at odd times (likely panic attacks), as well as multiple other diagnostic tests that all came back normal. For quite some time my issue had disappeared. I was fairly content throughout high school, although not outgoing, I did stick with a small but great group of friends. I've always been somewhat of an introvert. After high school I went through an unpleasant break-up of a long-term relationship, and from then on my issues spiralled out of control. I gained a considerable amount of weight in a short period of time which completely destroyed my social life, self esteem and confidence, I lost touch with many close friends & found myself jumping from one meaningless relationship (friends & romantic) to the next. I allowed myself to be treated poorly by others because I felt this is all I deserved. I look terrible, so I shouldn't expect to be well-liked (was my mindset). This was a tough battle to deal with for quite some time. Despite all of this, I somehow found myself in University, trying to ignore my depression & anxiety in order to accomplish a goal. It was a roller coaster. I missed classes, exams, and failed a few courses during my first couple of years due to my A&D. I would feel so depressed & anxious about attending class, then when I wouldn't go I'd feel a sense of relief for a short period of time until the anxiety about failing set in. It was never ending. Luckily enough, I ended up meeting a few great classmates halfway through & my success drastically improved. My A&D was still very real, but studying, completing assignments and working with these classmates, I suddenly felt accountable to others & although I still contemplated skipping classes, exams and other obligations, I could never go through with it as easily as I once did. I ended up graduating and getting a job fairly quickly (this was 2 years ago) where I'm still working today.
Unfortunately, I still haven't been able to progress in any other aspect. I still suffer from A&D and feel as if it's only getting worse, the older I get. I'm constantly thinking of things I can do, accomplish that might finally make me happy. Furthering my education? moving? getting a new job? buying this? going here? any idea, and I've thought about it. I feel as though I'm on a constant quest for happiness that I just can't seem to find & the longer I take, the worse it gets, the more hopeless I become. Now I will say I have never thought of or attempted to self-harm. To best describe my feelings I'd have to say I want to live so much, it's exhausting!
Over the past few months things have gotten worse. I've had many physical symptoms of A&D. Body aches, heart palpations, racing heart, waking up from sleep with a high HR in a panic, tiredness, irritability, agitation, the list goes on and on. Once again, I had a collection of diagnostic tests that all came back normal & my doctor has put me on Escitalopram 20mg. Now, I will say I do not like the idea of any of these drugs. I'm afraid of them, afraid of the effect they may have on me, afraid of becoming a blur, or even worse, afraid of them worsening my mental health issues to the extent of hospitalization (which I have seen happen). I've also read about hair loss, loss of sex-drive, weight gain and other physical, and appearance side effects that frighten me as my confidence is already shattered. If any of these side effects happen, I know it will only make things worse for me, not better. Regardless of this, I have taken 2 doses so far & have felt terrible. I can't sleep, yet will lay in bed for up to 12 hours, I feel nauseous, dizzy, overall not well. I haven't taken a dose yet today, and am contemplating doing so as we speak. I've read nothing but negative comments about this drug online, and although I know people don't come to the internet to post positive reviews, I feel like it's a risk I don't want to take.
I do work in a field that requires attention to detail, and mental clarity (I'm in healthcare) & am now worried about continuing this drug as I cannot take time off work to get over the first few weeks of terrible symptoms, but worry about possible mistakes, or mental fog if I do continue taking it, while working.
I'm just at a loss right now & I'm unsure what to do. Any input, suggestions or words of encouragement? Feeling quite hopeless right now.