Constant feelings of shame

[letssee]

I always find myself wondering why *exactly* it's so pervasive and unrelenting.

I can turn literally anything into some reason to insult myself. People having anything close to fun on TV/in pictures, same with food, bodies I envy, faces I envy, it's like I literally cannot have eyes without always seeing *something* that triggers negative thoughts.

I see a bunny outside my window, and it reminds me how lonely I am without a pet.

I see a car coming while I walk down the street, and all I imagine is them laughing at me.

I see the snow and think of how I watched fall pass, and only went outside literally a handful of times. Maybe four. I literally missed my favorite season.

I see anyone who is good at anything, and it reminds me of awful I am at everything.

Some days I can't even listen to music, the thing that used to be closest to my heart.

I see clothes and all I can think of how wrong everything looks on my body and how trying to look nice is pointless for me.

I see children and all I think of is how badly I wish I hadn't had that miscarriage in November even though it didn't devastate me at the time. I'm terrified I can never have kids.

I see people succeed at something and am reminded I'll never accomplish anything worth mention.

I see someone who is in college and all I see is my failure to ever attend and I want nothing more currently.

I feel like it's already too late for me to be extraordinary.

I see someone get a compliment, about anything, and all I can think of is how much more frequently people pointed out the good in me when I was 50 pounds lighter than I am now. (Was 50 heavier than now at 15, then the 50 lighter than now, then a year ago 30 heavier)

I'm completely losing my ability to stay positive.

Not even stay "positive", just not making everything into something to be upset over.

I know people who are the way I describe usually lash out at people who are doing well but no, I do think they all deserve it, and I think being hostile towards someone for having good things you don't have is petty and selfish.

I just can't seem to shake the habit.

It makes me feel like such a self centered POS.

[mr.blanks1981]

You sound a lot like me. No matter your faults, I'm sure we can both agree you have eccessive anxiety in proportion to your inadequacies. There's still time for you to invest in self-improvement, I'm sure. Don't give up until you're at least as old as I am.

[Dahila]

Hon you are depressed, typical for depression, are you on therapy or meds?

[letssee]

Blanks I'm starting to think the trick may be to embrace my flaws, but that's hard to do when it feels like that's everything. I think the hardest thing to do is attempt to look at yourself objectively. Oh! Your age related comment made me think of something! I had a 45 year old English teacher who quit the year after I left and went off to culinary school in France. Like, just picked up her life and left. I always think of her when I'm feeling that "it's too late for me" feeling. It's never too late to embark on new adventures or take on new challenges. The trick, like with everything else, is making myself always believe that's the truth d:

Dahila I certainly feel it. But no, I came off of zoloft (Was on it for 7 months and it caused teeth grinding for me, most nights, very unpleasant) when I moved a year ago, and I've been putting off actually finding help for a while now because of intense anxiety surrounding making phone calls and that I'm unemployed and don't currently have the ability to pay anyone anything. So until I recently learned a really nice hospital/clinic with a great mental health department nearby can waive bills for approved low income or unemployed patients I didn't think I had many options. I plan to call their general advice line run by their nurses to ask what I should do, if I could qualify for hopefully at least lowered payment, what department to call, etc. Just to get all the information so I know exactly what I need to do in the process. I told myself I was going to do it this morning but I can't tell if I really got distracted or what. /: I plan to do it in the morning and trying to keep myself feeling motivated and energized with this wicked cold on top of usual fatigue is bleh, but my hope is that if I keep drilling it into my head that as soon as soon my boyfriend gets home (no house phone, just his) I'll just do it. I'm just absurdly nervous.

[kaye]

Letsee, I can't say i know how you're feeling, but i recognize some of the thoughts you are having in myself, especially how you said you don't feel very good at anything - that is how i feel literally all the time, like i have no talents or gifts or anything. I also feel very anxious around people. Lately i feel constantly fatigued and have little motivation for doing anything, I am unemployed too and it makes me feel useless. I'm sorry i'm going on about myself but when you see other people have similar thoughts it's such a relief. You seem like a lovely, insightful person to me. And I know how that first phone call can seem, but the person on the other end will be so friendly and easy to talk to. I recently started going to therapy and i am so glad i made that call even though i'd put it off for weeks. hope it goes ok :)

[Dahila]

Letsee, there is many option it just depend where you are. If in US or Canada you can get info from many members here, we all tend to have problems with work and financial troubles. We also have a lot of people from Europe and they are good source of information
There is one thing which is absolutely free and wonderful, : Meditation.
Maybe you could read the post.
Link
http://anxietyforum.net/forum/showthread.php?25235-meditation-help-share-and-surport-thread&highlight=meditation

I am on mindfulness meditation with Jon Kabat-Zinn, and I have to admit that I am was off and on meditation, but never tried the quided one, it is awesome, I was half asleep, and so relax it took me two minutes after I finished to turn the Mp player and to go to sleep, dreamless good sleep. He is awesome
Try it:))

[DavidUK]

Sounds like I have pretty much the same issue as you, letssee!

These intrusive thoughts of shame and embarrassment have been haunting me for years despite a lot of research into it.

However I have made ground and hopefully I am getting further towards a solution.

Here are four avenues I am pursuing, I hope they can be of some help to you:

1. In terms of medication I have found Nardil useful although different tablets works for different people. It's made me a bit more rational in guessing what other people think.

2. PSTEC. A guided click-track based on NLP. You can download the basic version absolutely free. I've researched it and it checks out, no scam. Read about it in reference to your own problems and use it if you like.

3. Trauma Release Exercises. This is just come to up on my radar, I bought the book. The idea is that built-up trauma can be released by using these exercises to free them from your body. A bit like releasing a spring.

4. Mindfulness Medititation, as Dahila mentioned, is a wonderful tool. I got the book "Mindfulness: A practical guide to finding peace in a frantic world." It's really good and teaches you to realise that thoughts and feelings are not you, you are separate from them.

In terms of success using these approaches I am cautiously optimistic. The reason I have not made much ground is that I'm been procrastinating. I am going to pick a week to do 2, 3 and 4 on a regular basis and see how I feel after a week of regular work on the shameful thoughts and feelings.

I hope this helps and I will update you on any progress.

[libertynow]

We all have our own negative thought patterns. I have existential type of negative thinking patterns. They are not fun either. I don't believe you should fight them back or accept them as who you are. There is CBT techniques that help with dealing with these negative thoughts. I do know that pushing them away doesn't exactly make them weaker but can make them stronger.