Could be triggering (please avoid reading if so) - sexual incidents during childhood

[bittersweetgirl]

Okay. Had some family discussions this weekend after I had another freaking anxiety breakdown and another breakup with an abusive boyfriend who I could not set boundaries with, and learned a bunch of stuff about my childhood (from my mother and brother - they spoke separately to me). There are things I remember too. I'm not going to mention all of it because it's hideous, but I will say that at a young age (8-9?) I found my father's child porn stash (not hidden). It was stories about incest. I remember the details clearly. I remember him coming into my room and demanding that I kiss him goodnight. I refused and fought him off and he stormed away. I heard him attack my mother sexually a few times (she fought him off too).

My brother is in a bad state because of what he went through himself.

I'll never know, but am worried that I was sexually abused when I was much younger - or is this my anxiety talking? I'm talking to a counselor tomorrow but am afraid they'll brush it off. I did go into the hospital for tests for urinary problems at age 3 or 4. I'm afraid someone is going to tell me I'm dramatic and there's nothing I can about this now so get over it and feel happy that I survived. I've already had one friend ignore everything I said about the porn, etc., and tell me that I need to learn to quit dating these bad men. That hurts. But what's going with on with the series of boyfriends who use me and dump me and I willingly let them? I want that to stop and don't know if it's connected. I have had numerous people (including counselors) tell me I get treated badly because apparently I'm attractive and sweet and seem very trusting, so these guys come on strong to get what they want and then leave when they realize I'm a real person with problems. Great.

Comments, advice, anything? Thank you!! So lost here. Haven't really slept for days so sorry if this is disjointed.

[NixonRulz]

Okay. Had some family discussions this weekend after I had another freaking anxiety breakdown and another breakup with an abusive boyfriend who I could not set boundaries with, and learned a bunch of stuff about my childhood (from my mother and brother - they spoke separately to me). There are things I remember too. I'm not going to mention all of it because it's hideous, but I will say that at a young age (8-9?) I found my father's child porn stash (not hidden). It was stories about incest. I remember the details clearly. I remember him coming into my room and demanding that I kiss him goodnight. I refused and fought him off and he stormed away. I heard him attack my mother sexually a few times (she fought him off too).

My brother is in a bad state because of what he went through himself.

I'll never know, but am worried that I was sexually abused when I was much younger - or is this my anxiety talking? I'm talking to a counselor tomorrow but am afraid they'll brush it off. I did go into the hospital for tests for urinary problems at age 3 or 4. I'm afraid someone is going to tell me I'm dramatic and there's nothing I can about this now so get over it and feel happy that I survived. I've already had one friend ignore everything I said about the porn, etc., and tell me that I need to learn to quit dating these bad men. That hurts. But what's going with on with the series of boyfriends who use me and dump me and I willingly let them? I want that to stop and don't know if it's connected. I have had numerous people (including counselors) tell me I get treated badly because apparently I'm attractive and sweet and seem very trusting, so these guys come on strong to get what they want and then leave when they realize I'm a real person with problems. Great.

Comments, advice, anything? Thank you!! So lost here. Haven't really slept for days so sorry if this is disjointed.


Wow. What a tough position to be in. I can't imagine how your head must be swimming.

Anxiety can easily cause irrational thoughts as I am sure you know. They can be really scary.

That doesn't mean that is why you think you may be abused.

I think any counselor would take your concerns seriously based on your past experiences

They are aware that the mind is powerful, as you do, so the memories are put away in order to protect you sometimes

One thing that makes me believe you would know if you were is the fact that you have vivid memories of him and trying to kiss you and having to fight him off. Then hear him abuse your mom

If you recall that so well, it would seem plausible if anything more happened, you would have memory of that

That is just my opinion. Not a doc or anything like that but that seems logical reading your post. Someone here may know better

I don't know how old you are but I think women always seem to be attracted to that guy that is a little bad. Not that he would make a great husband. Just attractive to them.

There may be all sorts of reasons why you tolerate guys that treat you poorly.

I don't believe that you are attracted to the people that you fear may have abused you

You probably think that they will change

As you get older and a little wiser, you will probably lose the desire to be with that type of guy

I appreciate you being able to tell this story, even anonymous. It's really brave and should help just telling it

This is one time I truly hope that everything you feel is just anxiety

I hate the thought that it could be reality

[bittersweetgirl]

NixonRulz, thank you. That was so sweet - made me cry. And I think that does make sense that if I remember those other things so vividly, I'd remember anything else just as much. I hope. If I forgot, that's kind of okay... I'll need to deal with this anyway, because I cannot forget that stuff I read, and it's been decades.

I know I can't date again for a while until I figure this out, and that is not easy for me - I guess I still have hope that I'll find someone to erase all the previous ugliness. But the next guy just adds to it. I'm old enough to know better ;), but I think being divorced and starting to date again has been a big challenge and sent me back to square one with poor boundaries.

Thank you again. I also appreciate your reassurance that a counselor will take this seriously! I might have to write it all down and read it to them - it's so awful (some of the stuff I left out here).

[Dahila]

Hi, If there was sexual molestation you will remember it now. I gets blocked somehow but in the moment of extreme stress it comes back as flashes, It always come back. There is not way you could forget it. I know it. I would agree with Nixon that maybe nothing bad happened. Try to be open with counselor will bring it up. Talk to him or her, it is not different that here... you get the relieve... you start to heal, maybe you learn how to control you anxiety....
The guys; you probably are looking for someone strong real bad-ass to take care of you. That's the problem... woman like bad boys, that's the true....you must stop dating for now, re- think who you need in your life....it is important.

[bittersweetgirl]

Thanks Dahila! My brother says he has all kind of flashbacks like that - I don't have them. I mean, I remember things, but in a normal way - the same way I always remembered them.

No dating, no dating (for now) - must stay strong! I did date a guy who presented himself as such a good guy... I thought I'd found The One, and I do think he's generally quite nice, but came with a host of controlling behaviors to maintain that good guy persona. And yep - I thought he could take care of me and I wanted him to - he even said he could do it. It's so hard.

I do need to come to terms with the things I do remember, because they're still circling in my head at the most inconvenient times. Guess this is why I'm sensitive about my kids watching scary movies or going to sleepovers - I'm worried they'll experience something like I did.

Thank you for listening and helping :)

[Dahila]

hm I never let my kids to go for sleepover, they are grown up now:))