Really need some advice

[Tmr789123]

So I am new to this forum and just want to start off by saying hello my name is Tim haha.
I have a lot to say an I don't want to put my problems on someone else but I really don't know what to do but the things I'm gonna say are very messed up. Just a warning.

So when I was about 18 (20 now) I was doing drugs very bad and would steal money from anyone. One of these people happened to be my grandparents. I would steal money from them every chance I got to help feed my damn addiction. Messed up I know. I love my grandparents very much and always have and always will. I was so bad on drugs that I simply didn't care at all I needed to get high. Please bare with me. MY grandparents both just passed a couple months ago both deaths were a month apart. I feel like a piece of crap every day of my life for the things I did to them and I really can't take it. I have really cleaned myself up though I don't do drugs anymore whatsoever ANSI do not steal,cheat, lie, and am no longer mean to people. I help anyone every chance I get and I'm doing good things in my life. I hve my own place, a car, a great job, a supporting family and my beautiful cat I love to be around.A couple weeks ago i started having bad panic attacks. I'm too afraid to go out because I fear having one while I'm driving or am out. I've been out of work for almost two weeks now. Y uncle owns the business I work at so no need to worry about being fired. I never got to say goodbye to y grandparents neither did I ever get to say sorry for the things I've done. Can my anxiety and panic attacks be caused by this. It didn't hit me until abouta week or so ago that thy were gone and I'll never see them again. I really honestly feel that it's never going to get better until I see them again and they tell me everything's okay and I know that's not gonna happen. Idk what to do to get over this. I've been trying to drive a little more every day and my anxiety is getting a little better but the last three attacks I've had we're in a car and now I'm afraid to drive alone or with anyone other than my dad. I don't even want to work for fear it'll happen at work. I'm not afraid of having an attack that much it just really sucks to have one. I just went to a counseled for the first time and I have another appointment next week. Can someone say anything to shed some light on what I should do because I feel like I'm goin nuts. The anxiety of being worried to go out is horrible and is causing me some slight depression. Im too afraid to go to work I dont even want to leave my house and its taking a toll on me. I dont know what to do as I am starting to be depressed and I cant take feeling this way anymore. Nobody I talked to in my everyday life really understands how I feel. My uncle sadly committed suicide because he was having the same exact problems as me and I really feel its coming to that point now.. no one should b afraid to leave their home.

[NixonRulz]

Hey Tim - sorry you had to seek help but this is a pretty nice place to understand what is going on from people that get it

Being under a great deal of stress can cause your anxiety, especially with what you have went through recently

Anxiety is huge cause of irrational thoughts as you have found by some of your recent fears

When you are calm, driving doesn't seem scary. Anxious, a whole different story

Its learning to understand how to separate your irrational thoughts from anxiety and the one's that are reality

Anxiety tries to cross the two

Great that you are seeing a therapist to help you

Read, post, learn, heal

You will

[Goomba]

Hey,

It's great that you are moving in a positive direction in your life. To answer your question, Yes, it possible that your panic attacks are caused by your past experiences. Panic attacks are always intense, but are especially scary, in my opinion, when you first start getting them. A lot of times, when we become anxious, or enter a difficult phase in our life that seems impossible to overcome, it is because we are trying to confront a part of ourselves that is difficult to do so. In your case, I imagine it has to do with your grandparents.

I have a different history than you, but I can relate to your suffering. My anxiety, and panic attacks were very crippling as well in the sense that they kept me from doing daily activities. Don't be afraid of your anxiety/panic attacks/depression, it WILL get better. Take some time to figure out what your anxiety is trying to teach you, and remember that you are in control.

This may or may not help, but I made a post with a list of things I think are beneficial for people in these kinds of situations to read. Wouldn't hurt to take a look. It is titled, " A List Every Anxiety Sufferer Should Read ", and is in this forum.


Good luck, you can do it.

[NixonRulz]

Hey, It's great that you are moving in a positive direction in your life. To answer your question, Yes, it possible that your panic attacks are caused by your past experiences. Panic attacks are always intense, but are especially scary, in my opinion, when you first start getting them. A lot of times, when we become anxious, or enter a difficult phase in our life that seems impossible to overcome, it is because we are trying to confront a part of ourselves that is difficult to do so. In your case, I imagine it has to do with your grandparents. I have a different history than you, but I can relate to your suffering. My anxiety, and panic attacks were very crippling as well in the sense that they kept me from doing daily activities. Don't be afraid of your anxiety/panic attacks/depression, it WILL get better. Take some time to figure out what your anxiety is trying to teach you, and remember that you are in control. This may or may not help, but I made a post with a list of things I think are beneficial for people in these kinds of situations to read. Wouldn't hurt to take a look. It is titled, " A List Every Anxiety Sufferer Should Read ", and is in this forum. Good luck, you can do it.

To clarify, and you may have meant this but panic attacks don't get caused from past experiences exactly

More that it is your thoughts of those experiences

You begin to feel physical symptoms when thinking of something from your past

Those physical symptoms concern and scare you into a panic attack

Do it long enough and just a thought of something can cause instant panic because the brain gets taught that is how to react to that thought

Again, not disagreeing with what you posted but for someone new, jus trying to be real clear on the cycle and accepting the passing of his grandparents won't just make everything cease

The anxiety itself needs to be addressed

The mind sure can be a pain. In the ass

[Goomba]

Yup, thanks for adding some clarity.

[Tmr789123]

yupp thank you all. I understand. I just dont know what to do. Im too afraid to go to work I dont even want to leave my house and its taking a toll on me. I dont know what to do as I am starting to be depressed and I cant take feeling this way anymore. Nobody I talked to in my everyday life really understands how I feel. My uncle sadly committed suicide because he was having the same exact problems as me and I really feel its coming to that point now..

[em1]

yupp thank you all. I understand. I just dont know what to do. Im too afraid to go to work I dont even want to leave my house and its taking a toll on me. I dont know what to do as I am starting to be depressed and I cant take feeling this way anymore. Nobody I talked to in my everyday life really understands how I feel. My uncle sadly committed suicide because he was having the same exact problems as me and I really feel its coming to that point now..

Hello there :) have you talked to your parents about how your feeling? Or maybe phone a doctor as maybe you could get some therapy sessions on medication to help you for a while?

[Tmr789123]

My parents keep telling me to just go out and leave but I'm too afraid. And I really don't want medication because I feel like when it wears off for the day I'll be going crazy like my anxiety will be ten times worse when I'm not on it. And I have a very addictive personality and don't want to even start on meds. I really want to beat this on my own

[Enduronman]

I just read your post here, sorry i'm a little slow....

I'm going to say something very simple here and this is what is causing allllll thissss panic, anxiety, everything.....

You will not get rid of this, until your forgive YOURSELF.

It is shame, guilt, remorse, that is feeding this intense anxiety bruh..because you couldn't say,,,I'm sorry.

Focus on this, FORGIVE YOUR OWN ACTIONS, AND FORGIVE YOURSELF FOR YOUR PAST MISTAKES....that's your challenge.

When you DO, you'll walk out that door a free man....

Best wishes.

Enduronman..

[Tmr789123]

I understand. When my grandparents were alive I was very bad on drugs I would steal money from them every chance I got and I feel like a piece of shit every day the fist day I had an attack was the night of my grandmoms viewing which I didn't even I to. I never got to say sorry and I'm not like that anymore and I don't steal lie or cheat anymore. I'm being a better person helping people out every chance I get but I feel like shit every single day for the things I've done I never got to say goodbye or let alone say that I was sorry. My family says they forgave me but I still don't feel like they did. I want to hear it from my grandparents but that'll never happen

[Enduronman]

That's exactly it,...until you let this go, forget your past actions, behaviors, and mistakes,...this is going to haunt you and you'll remain trapped by those feelings man.
It will not let you go, it will only grow stronger, tougher, deeper, and the pathways and channels are being eroded away and cut within you bruh....
Lie, cheat, steal, was a part of who I was as a young man too...I had more convictions than any other juvenile in this county, but, I am forgiven. Myself included.
You know where this is coming from...
Forgive yourself. OR feel the way that you now do.
It is, that simple in your case friend...

E-Man..

[NixonRulz]

I understand why you feel guilty but you said it in your last sentense.

No matter what you do, they will never say they forgive you in this life

There is nothing that can be done so beating yourself up over an impossibility is only causeing you pain

Maybe somehow you feel that the pain is deserved from the things that you have done

Most family love is unconditional

I don't believe they would like to see you putting yourself through this

[Enduronman]

Exactly ^^^^^ you have been forgiven...unconditionally.

[Tmr789123]

I know my grandmoms heart would be broken seeing me like this. But I can't forgive myself. Like who does that stuff? Who steals from their grandparents that's so messed up

[Enduronman]

I did. I stole from my family, friends, strangers,...I did those things. I had addictions too. 28 YEARS ago...
If you can't forgive yourself, and be the man that you wish to be and everyone knows you can be, then you're going to be around for awhile and we all know where this is coming from,,,we know the root cause and sources. It will never leave you alone..
It will only grow into other things, other worries, other concerns, and I personally don't wanna sit back here and watch this happen to you..
But, Tim...you'll allow it to eat you alive. Be the person that you are today, and stomp this out. Crush it bruh...

Forgive.

[Enduronman]

I know my grandmoms heart would be broken seeing me like this. But I can't forgive myself. Like who does that stuff? Who steals from their grandparents that's so messed up

It was the drugs man, not the man....let it go.

[NixonRulz]

I know my grandmoms heart would be broken seeing me like this. But I can't forgive myself. Like who does that stuff? Who steals from their grandparents that's so messed up

Every knuckled headed kid or young adult does stupid shit like this!

It's what shapes us into the person we become as an adult

It's called building character. You feel bad. Then you make changes. Caracter building for the good

Do stuff like that and not care, see you n an orange jumpsuit with a big ass boyfriend behind bars

I stole money from the fu*kin collection plate as a kid to play video games

I still feel bad but that isn't who I am because I learned from my screw ups

So did you

Stop feeling sorry for yourself and get the hell out of the house!

Who the hell wants to spend all that time with their parents?

And who cares where you have a panic attack, you can feell pins and needles then get tired anywhere.

The attack does end as you know. Anxiety couldn't care less where you are

There is no safe place to hide

So stop hiding

[Tmr789123]

Yes all very true. I didn't even feel bad until they passed. When I knew it was too late. That's def not who I am now and I never had an attack before at all until they passed. I can see how this is what's causing all this and I know I'm not like that anymore but it never happened until it sunk in that I'll never see them again

[Enduronman]

Forget the past regardless of what was in it, forgive yourself, always remember your Grandparents as many of us fondly do, and move into tomorrow...a new day.

1. Forget the past.
2. Live for today.
3. Look forward too, and have hope for the future.

That's all we can do anyway...

[Tmr789123]

I know I try but what can I do if it's all I worry about. Idk what to do if I have an attack and I'm by myself or even at work. People will wonder what I'm doin and look at me weird. Don't get me wrong I don't care what anyone thinks of me but now I care what they'll think when seeing me have an attack too

[Enduronman]

That's been the whole point here bruh, once you forgive yourself and have properly grieved the loss of your Grandparents,...there are no more attacks. It is those feelings that are feeding these attacks. AND,..if anyone asks you about your attacks, then just be honest with them and tell them that you are grieving the loss dude...They will be supportive then, and they will understand then too..
As Nixon mentioned, stop kickin yourself about your decisions and choices of the pasts....and all this, passes.

Enduronman...

[Tmr789123]

Hopefully. I'm gonna try and go to the grocery store but idk if I'm ready but I'm also starving lol. I've been ordering pizza for two days cuz I don't Even wanna go there

[Enduronman]

Close your eyes, and say to yourself...I love you Grandma and Grampa,..please forgive me, I must forgive myself.....

Then go get something to eat....I'm not fooling you Tim, it is that simple.

And, if you feel an attack coming on, stop and say,...I forgive myself, love ya Grama and Gramps!.....

:)

[Tmr789123]

Alright I'm going to try that's thanks for all your support I really appreciate it I'll post back soon to let you know how it goes

[Enduronman]

Excellent!!! Now, go make it happen!!! A man's gotta eat!!....YAY!!! :)

[Tmr789123]

Well I couldn't go in the store cuz I was freaking out my dad had to go in for me.. At least I went though...?

[Enduronman]

Gotta forgive and forget bro....then this overwhelming weight will be lifted.
Yes, you acheived some success just by going,..that's steps in the right direction now keep going..

Enduronman..

[Tmr789123]

It's weird like my heart will start racing and I'll start panicking but once that's over and I've calmed myself I feel like I'm good and I can do stuff but it takes so long to calm myself down and get back to a good peace of mind

[NixonRulz]

It's weird like my heart will start racing and I'll start panicking but once that's over and I've calmed myself I feel like I'm good and I can do stuff but it takes so long to calm myself down and get back to a good peace of mind

But as you go through this, the panic won't be as bad and won't last as long because you will stop fearing it

Fear powers your anxiety

Take the fear away and guess what? It's over

You look like a pretty tough dude on your avatar

Don't let something that you can't see, whip your ass

Take em' down

[Enduronman]

Yes, anxiety and panic is weird...its weird how a simple thought process, can trigger such a calamity and make you feel like running away from the lion...only problem is, there's no lion there.
Your brain knows no different..
You know what the lion is bro....you won't calm down until you remove the lion.

E-Man..

[Tmr789123]

Yes I completely understand everyone I'm taking it one step at a time. I do thank all of you as all of you have given me great advice. I really ind it helpful talking here because you all actually understand what this feels like

[Enduronman]

Oh yes, we know what it feels like for sure.....

Yes, we fully understand too....empathize.

E-Man.. :)

[Enduronman]

Damned INFJ's!!! LOL!!! Yes Frankie, we're definately unique individuals fa sho!... :)

[Dahila]

Guilt is not the best company here, you need to do what Eman ^^^ said.
forgive yourself, and try to love yourself then realize that your grandparents loved you and forgave. You are not doing it anymore, great. Now give yourself the chance to live, beautiful and happy life:)

BTW they know, and smile at you:)

[Tmr789123]

Yeah I know they love me and probably do forgive me. I'll just have to take baby steps I guess and just rebuild my courage up. I can't let my mind take over. But I'll feel great and normal u know and think "oh I can go out nothing will happen" but when that time comes it's like I freeze up and get scared. And start to convince myself something bad will happen

[Dahila]

yeah impeding doom, who does not have it. We have no control over life, what happens happens, there is something like : you can not change it, accept it. Believe me I know. I am living with it for 3 decades maybe even more... You need the therapy if not try meditation, we have many great threads about it. Search and read, it is really good read:))

[Tmr789123]

I'll check some threads out. I have a breathing exercise my therapist taught me that really calms me down within minutes and completely stops me from my panic and most of the time I'm good after that now

[stp4779]

There's some great advice on this thread :) Your story particularly struck me today because last night I had a nightmare that my grandma died :(

What if you did something that would help you have a little bit of closure with your grandparents? Maybe write them a heartfelt letter and read it to them at their grave site, or bury the letter at the grave site? I think just getting the apologies and the grief out on paper might be helpful.

Everyone is right, don't beat yourself up for this... We all make mistakes. Keep being the great person you know you can be - that will be the greatest tribute you could offer your grandparents.

[Tmr789123]

Yeah I know tht they'd want the best for me and wouldn't like seeing me beat myself up but I don't think it'll ever get better until I go to their graves but I can't even go to the grocery store five mins from me so idk how I'm gonna drive 25 mins to their graves

[stp4779]

That's ok , you'll make it to their graves eventually. Start out small like everyone is recommending and keep building on it from there.

The worst thing you can do right now is become withdrawn. I know it's tough, but ya gotta force yourself to leave the house - the brain needs to be retrained to not associate fear with going out.

We'll all be here every step of the way!

[Tmr789123]

Yes I understand thank you for your support and help