Apple Doesn't Fall Far
02-20-2014, 08:21 AM
Heads up, this is a long post. If you don't like long posts, here's the short version. My dad has serious anxiety problems, is hurting himself and others with them, and I need advice on how convince him to get him the help he needs either through an intervention or otherwise. Advice wanted!
Here's the long version:
Okay, so I come from a very anxious family. I myself almost certainly have GAD. (My wake up call was when I laid down to go to sleep one night and couldn't because I was fretting too much about sinkholes and/or boa constrictors swallowing me up.) My sister has anxiety as well (along with autism). And my dad has anxiety.
It is universally acknowledged within our family that our dad's anxiety is the worst. I may have anxiety, but I can generally tell the difference between what I've dubbed my 'anxious brain' (the part that's always freaking out over things that aren't actually threats) and my 'logical brain'. So I can tell what the difference between what my anxious brain is telling me is going to happen and what is really going to happen, even if I can't always act on that knowledge. My sister has more difficulty between the two, but as soon as I explain the difference for her, she can see it.
Our dad can't. His anxious brain and his logical brain are fused and he can't tell the difference between reality and anxiety. And he needs help. He drives my sister and I away (and feeds our own anxiety) with his anxiety that he acts on. For instance, he was worried about my sister's weight (she's a bit chubby, but nothing serious and certainly not obese), so he would literally reach over in the car and grab her stomach, talked about it every time he saw her (which drove the two of us apart because I will always defend my sister, and when I did he'd get mad at me), offered to pay for weight loss surgery, took her to task when she finished eating the meal he'd taken us out to eat, etc. It's gotten into my sister's head and it's been really bad for her self worth. That is just one example.
Other examples would include when he was stressing so badly about an issue at his workplace that he was using me as a mental health counselor to deal with it while I was literally laying in a hospital bed, when he told me no college would accept me (and genuinely believed it) despite my 34 ACT and 4.1 GPA (I've got his voice stuck in my head right now as I'm applying to graduate school telling me I won't get in despite equally stellar qualifications), my sister converted to a different religion and he verbally attacked ME for telling him because he's so anxious about her conversion...as you might imagine the list goes on. He loves us and because he loves us he's even more anxious about us and does things that hurt us.
And now he's FINALLY got a girlfriend. One who loves him and is the BEST thing that's happened to him quite possibly ever (which is a quote from him). And he's driving her away with his anxiety, because they work together and any time she fails to follow any of his advice he is CONVINCED she's going to get fired and tells her so and now he's starting to get into HER head. (This is not a double standard, he's been telling me he's going definitely going to get fired himself for at least five years now.) His girlfriend wants them to go into couples counseling (they live together) and when I talked to her about it, she revealed his anxiety and the way it makes him act was at the root. Because when Dad gets anxious he can get rather cutting and passive aggressive (when I was last there he tossed two barbs at her and I can relate because that happens to me all the time).
Do I get where he's coming from? Yes, of course I do because my brain does the same same, only ever so slightly toned down. And I have so much empathy/sympathy for him. But this is hurting him and it's hurting us.
The problem here is that he doesn't realize he has a problem. The difference between my sister (who has levels of anxiety that are at least equivalent to his) and myself and my dad is that my sister and I realize we have a problem and he doesn't. He credits his anxious brain with allowing him to save the day when in fact it's what's hurting him. It hurts him at work, it hurts him at home, and it makes him hurt all of us, too. But he doesn't realize it, won't acknowledge his world view is skewed, can't even see that there's a difference between anxious brain and reality. (I talked to him about the saying I couldn't get into college thing, showed him how I was in the 99th percentile and they'd seriously have to get rid of 99% of the student population before they got to not allowing me into our state school, and he still couldn't see it.)
He needs help. He needs an intervention, because this is just going to keep hurting him and I kept praying that it would get better but it's only getting worse. He is emotionally abusive and his anxiety is just feeding the abuse.
How do I go about doing this? How do you show someone there's a problem they don't think is there? I was thinking about using a counselor as an interface, with my sister, myself, and his girlfriend there. He will feel attacked and under threat by this, and I know it. How do I do this in a way that doesn't hurt him as much, that will actually help him get the help he needs?
Advice, constructive criticism, insights, seriously anything you can tell me is greatly appreciated.
TLDR: Help me figure out how to hold an intervention and/or convince my dad to get help for his anxiety.
Edited to add: I read my post and despite the word count I don't think I did a good job of conveying the situation. I don't know how to fix it, but fair warning.
Here's the long version:
Okay, so I come from a very anxious family. I myself almost certainly have GAD. (My wake up call was when I laid down to go to sleep one night and couldn't because I was fretting too much about sinkholes and/or boa constrictors swallowing me up.) My sister has anxiety as well (along with autism). And my dad has anxiety.
It is universally acknowledged within our family that our dad's anxiety is the worst. I may have anxiety, but I can generally tell the difference between what I've dubbed my 'anxious brain' (the part that's always freaking out over things that aren't actually threats) and my 'logical brain'. So I can tell what the difference between what my anxious brain is telling me is going to happen and what is really going to happen, even if I can't always act on that knowledge. My sister has more difficulty between the two, but as soon as I explain the difference for her, she can see it.
Our dad can't. His anxious brain and his logical brain are fused and he can't tell the difference between reality and anxiety. And he needs help. He drives my sister and I away (and feeds our own anxiety) with his anxiety that he acts on. For instance, he was worried about my sister's weight (she's a bit chubby, but nothing serious and certainly not obese), so he would literally reach over in the car and grab her stomach, talked about it every time he saw her (which drove the two of us apart because I will always defend my sister, and when I did he'd get mad at me), offered to pay for weight loss surgery, took her to task when she finished eating the meal he'd taken us out to eat, etc. It's gotten into my sister's head and it's been really bad for her self worth. That is just one example.
Other examples would include when he was stressing so badly about an issue at his workplace that he was using me as a mental health counselor to deal with it while I was literally laying in a hospital bed, when he told me no college would accept me (and genuinely believed it) despite my 34 ACT and 4.1 GPA (I've got his voice stuck in my head right now as I'm applying to graduate school telling me I won't get in despite equally stellar qualifications), my sister converted to a different religion and he verbally attacked ME for telling him because he's so anxious about her conversion...as you might imagine the list goes on. He loves us and because he loves us he's even more anxious about us and does things that hurt us.
And now he's FINALLY got a girlfriend. One who loves him and is the BEST thing that's happened to him quite possibly ever (which is a quote from him). And he's driving her away with his anxiety, because they work together and any time she fails to follow any of his advice he is CONVINCED she's going to get fired and tells her so and now he's starting to get into HER head. (This is not a double standard, he's been telling me he's going definitely going to get fired himself for at least five years now.) His girlfriend wants them to go into couples counseling (they live together) and when I talked to her about it, she revealed his anxiety and the way it makes him act was at the root. Because when Dad gets anxious he can get rather cutting and passive aggressive (when I was last there he tossed two barbs at her and I can relate because that happens to me all the time).
Do I get where he's coming from? Yes, of course I do because my brain does the same same, only ever so slightly toned down. And I have so much empathy/sympathy for him. But this is hurting him and it's hurting us.
The problem here is that he doesn't realize he has a problem. The difference between my sister (who has levels of anxiety that are at least equivalent to his) and myself and my dad is that my sister and I realize we have a problem and he doesn't. He credits his anxious brain with allowing him to save the day when in fact it's what's hurting him. It hurts him at work, it hurts him at home, and it makes him hurt all of us, too. But he doesn't realize it, won't acknowledge his world view is skewed, can't even see that there's a difference between anxious brain and reality. (I talked to him about the saying I couldn't get into college thing, showed him how I was in the 99th percentile and they'd seriously have to get rid of 99% of the student population before they got to not allowing me into our state school, and he still couldn't see it.)
He needs help. He needs an intervention, because this is just going to keep hurting him and I kept praying that it would get better but it's only getting worse. He is emotionally abusive and his anxiety is just feeding the abuse.
How do I go about doing this? How do you show someone there's a problem they don't think is there? I was thinking about using a counselor as an interface, with my sister, myself, and his girlfriend there. He will feel attacked and under threat by this, and I know it. How do I do this in a way that doesn't hurt him as much, that will actually help him get the help he needs?
Advice, constructive criticism, insights, seriously anything you can tell me is greatly appreciated.
TLDR: Help me figure out how to hold an intervention and/or convince my dad to get help for his anxiety.
Edited to add: I read my post and despite the word count I don't think I did a good job of conveying the situation. I don't know how to fix it, but fair warning.