Terrified of dating

[Lizzie55]

Hello :)
So I'm 22, I am incredibly shy, I don't think I go long without being told by someone I'm shy and need to come out of my shell, or told to "just talk", or that I look worried!
So unsurprisingly I've never had a boyfriend. I've been on a few dates and what not, but so so scared of the idea of letting someone get to know me. My main fear is that I am boring and they will think I'm weird. If I ever meet a lad, I will be really excited when we are texting and hope he asks me on a date, and then he does and I arrange it, then get so nervous. I make myself turn up to the date and plan what to say to them beforehand. However, if they want to see me again I start making excuses like being busy or having some emergency that I have to go away somewhere for a while. Sometimes I do meet up again, but tell him I'm busy in the evening and always set myself a time limit so I can escape after a few hours. I know I'm doing it but I can't help it, I've let people go that when I look back I feel I could have really clicked with just because I'm scared. It's also mean on him to mess them around but it's like it isn't me doing it.
Does anyone else experience this? Any advice on how I can stop being so stupid?
I've recently tried online dating and met a few lads but each time I've backed out of a second date by either cancelling, saying I'm busy for a while or ignoring them, even though one in particular was just my type.

[NeverToo...Fear]

Hi Lizzie and welcome here.. :)

I've been told that too.. that I'm shy and need to talk, so I can relate, but the question is though; are you naturally, comfortably shy, or do those comments about being shy make you feel uneasy?
I'm guessing you don't like it because you believe it hinders your ability to have a boyfriend? You have this fear thinking that they will think you are boring or weird. These are projections from your head and not theirs. A lot of the times, we believe how we feel is what others see in us, when it can actually be furthest from the case! We can't do that to ourselves. Just be who you are (easier said than done I know) and if they don't like you, then obviously they were not the one for you. Look at it as a good filtering process. If they can't accept you for your weirdness, then good riddance. But chances are, they like you and want to know you more! Hence why that second date always comes around.

So you're doing good at the first part; setting up the initial date. But it sounds like you need to work on the second one. Maybe don't go right out on a second date, but chat on the phone, getting to know them a bit more, or let them know you are shy. A lot of the times, a meeting goes way better when you admit the shy awkwardness, because they just might have it too! Or they are far more understanding.. and sometimes, we just have to step a little bit out of that comfort zone to risk a chance that will enhance your life.

[alankay]

I did. Like you I read my own bad press. Beat myself up. Boring??? Bull. You are just worried about this all and like I did, spend more time beating myself up over "perceived" flaws that were just what I saw as bad parts of myself that were nothing more that who I was. We all have things we consider negative. Don't believe that bull. I don't care who you are or what your particulars, there are guys out there who will like you. What you see as boring or dumb may really be just a mellow easy going gal who doesn't have an attitude or is high on herself. Many guys like that.
I think you should just tell them your tense and nervous(they will understand) and see them if you are really interested. Take it slow and don't deny yourself of this oh so important part of life. Alankay

[casstar01]

Hi, I completely agree with the previous two replies. I know what it's like though. Feeling completely weird , boring, and like I'm just completely uninteresting. When my current boyfriend and I met he was really interested in me. He had seen me around for a long time and knew how quiet and to myself I was but he still thought I seemed really interesting and really wanted to get to know me. I was like you, I was interested yet terrified of letting him get to know me because I knew he would think I was boring and strange. So I tried to push him away, came up with lots of excuses like I was buissy etc.. But over time we would run into each other and he would talk. I was so scared of sounding stupid that he could barely force a word out of me! But he just kept it up. I ended up telling him that I was feeling awkward and that I had social anxiety severely. I thought that would freak him out but it didn't. In fact it made me feel so much better right away. I was able to give him some details about what it felt like and how scarry it can be around people. But by telling him this it gave me a sence of freedom because he would understand that it wasn't me being weird or rude or awkward it was just this anxiety issue I had. He was really understanding and went home and read all about it so he could help me feel more at ease around him. And it really did! Since then I discovered just how freeing it is to let others around me know I have this type of anxiety because I'm not always worried about them mistaking how I am for other things like boring etc... Anyway finally letting him get close and slowing myself to get close to him was the best thing I ever did! And it was almost emediatly that I felt more comfortable around him than I had with anyone else in a long time. We started hanging out everyday for hours! I was never able to be around anyone that long befor! And we would just talk and laugh. We really got to know each other and became not only best friends but fell in love with each other completely. It's been 7 1/2 years now and it's the most loving and amazing relationship I've ever had. And I thank god everyday that I allowed myself to finally take a chance and get to know him and more terrifyingly let him get to know me. So as the others said, I agree. Why not try to allow the possibility of some great things come to you and let him know how you are feeling, you would be suprised at how many people will be understanding and compassionate about it and it also helps them not feel like they are the ones boring you! :) I sincerely hope this helped. Always here, casstar