Does worthlessness ever give you a break...?

[letssee]

I feel so pathetic, conflicted, hopeless, worthless... DEFINITELY feel free to skip the background junk and get to my question at the end. (Marked by **)

I so desperately want to see enough value in myself to warrant actually seeking help but it's so hard. What incentive is there to nurture something you so deeply loathe? I -want- to be happy but can't make myself feel worthy of happiness. (Not even happiness, just some semblance of normalcy.)

Maybe it's hard for me to find help because no one ever made me feel worthy of being helped, even so far as flat out denying me help when I was too young to do for myself.

Maybe I'm so critical of myself because I never really felt -allowed- to see good in myself.

Maybe I really am a little shit and don't deserve to view my past as anything but what I needed.

At 11 I had dance 3 days a week, played softball, -loved- veggies, had no authority over my intake whatsoever, but was still a little chubby. (But honestly, objectively not even that bad.) My family (mother and grandmother) forced me into weight watchers and changed absolutely -nothing- about our home's *severe* junk-food-only problem and continued preparing absolute garbage and verbally attacking me any time I had any food related suggestions.

Needless to say I failed. Miserably.

At the time I thought I was just defective. "What the fuck is wrong with me if I can't even do this right, while the other kids in my group are doing so amazing?

By 13 I had quit dance, quit the viola after 6 years, started cutting, and put on a ton of depression weight.

I accidentally let a cut show in the locker room one day and the school told my family I desperately needed therapy. I never got it, and the school never checked in. I wasn't surprised another group of people didn't care.

At 15 I started purging and fasting and even after losing 100 pounds in 4 - 5 months I was still constantly berated by my mom and grandma about my unacceptable size and food choices. I could go three days without food without them noticing, go to grab a banana, and be met with "Are you sure you need that right now?" "And you were doing so well... " and/or " I think you've gained a little back" paired with dirty glares. When my mother heard I was purging she said I'm a piece of shit and that she hoped I would go on to do it so much that I burn a whole in my throat and drop dead.

All through high school I stayed involved in theater and the arts and was even in a competitive Vocal Jazz group that traveled to compete and met once a week at night (I know, my lame is showing, but it was actually amazing) and I swear if not for the arts and the language department (German), I would have offed myself before 10th grade. Those subjects and those teachers instilled in me something that was foreign to me; actual confidence.

But I still never applied myself fully because I got daily reminders at home that my future is hopeless and that I'd never succeed at anything. I did virtually no work at all, maybe 20 total assignments in 4 years, and my attendance suffered due to my neglected depression and anxiety impacting my sleep, but I managed to end up in two honor societies because of my test grades alone, and had an "average" GPA. I had a lot of friends, rarely scored below 85 on tests in even classes I would miss for a week at a time, plenty of dating options, subjective talent that allowed me to skip over classes in certain sequences, and threw all of that positivity away because I just couldn't get my family to like me.

(Besides my grandfather, but he had enough on his plate after 7 heart attacks, diabetes, cancer, and my grandmother still making him very upset very frequently with her abuse as well. After he passed when I was 18 every time I did something wrong my grandmother would yell at me about how much of a disappointment I was to him. She knew it would sting because besides my aunt who passed when I was 15 he was the only supportive and loving family I had.)

The depression was always there, but I didn't have my first (recognizable) panic attack until my senior year.

My assistant principal (I don't know how other schools work but we had 3, each assigned a third of each grade) in the two years before I was supposed to graduate reached out to my mother and told them to get me into therapy 5 times. Nothing but one psych ER visit the last time, that I lied (in that I completely downplayed everything I was feeling and that I was suicidal) my way through because I got yelled at the whole way there and felt really shitty and invalidated. Walked away with my bulimia diagnosis and a referral to therapy my grandmother immediately began to complain about so I just never went.

I didn't care that because of my attendance I wouldn't be able to graduate because I was telling myself the whole time (since the summer between 9th and 10th) it wouldn't matter because I'd just kill myself at the end, but I held on a tad longer after because I had a job I absolutely loved at a day care. Less than a year after I was supposed to graduate, was my one and only attempted suicide. My grandmother had a big issue with stealing so there were always a lot of pills of all kinds around. (She was a nurse) A couple mostly full bottles of strong blood pressure pills, a bottle of something that ended up being nausea meds, full bottle of asprin, one and a half big bottles of robitussin, and a handful of oxy.

A year later I got my GED and started feeling a little optimistic.

Still set to the backdrop of living with my emotionally abusive (and occasionally physical, which is embarrassing because of her age, and no one thought the answer "cat fight with my grandmother hahahah" was an amusing answer to "wtf happened to your chest?" when I showed up to junior prom pictures with scratches all over my chest) grandmother and my hostile 22-year alcoholic and narcotic addict mother, I admittedly wasn't doing much, but I was weak, without any support, and didn't have the energy left to fight what they said was inevitable; my failure.

(I know one might think it was my own fault for staying but Long Island is -extremely- expensive and I couldn't ask anyone to help me)

Finally a year ago I moved from NY to MT to start my life with my boyfriend. The only work I found was at Walmart... But I didn't know it was literally statistically one of the busiest in the country... I was spending at bare minimum an hour of my shift in the bathroom either dry heaving for ten minutes, with the nervous runs, or throwing up. I don't think it was exactly the "crowd" (in that it doesn't bother me to go to big crowded concerts) but more the "hustle and bustle", and I was stocking grocery in the middle of the day, so I always felt like I was in customers' way, would literally get in trouble or just get dirty looks for going -too- far to be helpful to individual customers, and felt close to tears because of how embarrassed of myself I was after every interaction with one (which was like a million times a day) so I quit in July after a month of it getting worse and worse, and intended to immediately find something else. I wish I had stayed longer, but I really don't think it would have worked.

But the nausea wouldn't subside and actually was feeding into my anxiety pretty bad. I didn't want to go anywhere or be seen by anyone or talk to anyone. I was more terrified than usual to give anyone the opportunity to judge me.

Months later, turned out the nausea was due to pregnancy, and I found that out by way of miscarriage. (Period was always irregular and I took a test very early that was negative, so that's why I didn't know.) But of course, lucky me, not one that went smoothly.

Now since July I leave the apartment on average 3-4 times a month, and have only been out of our small studio apartment 10 times actually without my boyfriend with me for comfort. Every time besides at most 6 times was with 2 blocks of either end of my street.

The longer my anxiety keeps me this isolated the more severe my depression gets because personality-wise I used to love love love being around people.

I even cut my bangs short again to force myself to shower more than once a week...

I'm not trying to put more weight than necessary on my past, but I think denying it's significance is just as much of an injustice to yourself as exaggerating it, and I really needed to let it all out, which is actually just the tip of the iceberg.

I have so many conflicting feelings and I don't know what to do with myself. I spend the better part of my 50 hours a week alone either staring at the ceiling in hopelessness fueled apathy, sobbing for no reason, turning everything I see into something to be upset over, (sometimes I'll cry for like an hour if I hear the neighbor's dog when I'm home alone and missing having a warm fluffy pet for company) or just with the anxious trembles. The muscle aches, the weakness, that I've lost 30 pounds this year but have been completely sedentary and look even worse, the bone spur in my foot, the tension headaches almost every day. I'm just so tired.

Every time I have a good day, a day where I think "hey, you know what, I might just be okay, I think I can do this", I spend the entirety of the next day drilling into my head that it was stupid to think for even a second I could be something, that I could accomplish something.

**So, question for those who have had to voluntarily find help: How do I move past that I wake up every day and feel I have no worth, and make myself seek help? How do you learn to value yourself when you've been told most of your life by the people who should love you most that you're absolutely worthless? How do I make myself start taking care of the thing I hate?

Sorry that was so lengthy and all over, I just feel so hopeless, and haven't had much of any outlet besides my poor boyfriend, and I feel more like a burden every single day.

I want to be better than this.

[ab123]

It really sounds like you've had a rough and awful childhood. No one should ever go through that. Think about other kids that went through what you did and what value you could be to them,just an idea. Maybe it would help you feel needed and wanted. You have to start somewhere. Find a job you love, maybe even a friend. You have to put yourself out there and try. What's the worst that can happen? You sit in the apartment upset all week? Again, I'm sorry you are going through this, but the only way to get better is to put one foot in front of the other and one day at a time. You absolutely can do this. Volunteer at an animal shelter. Homeless shelter. Just try! You can do this. What would you tell yourself If you were on the outside looking in?

[Perses]

Dear letssee,

I wonder about that myself. Does worthlessness ever give you a break? Low self-esteem. I've noticed two things: a) I'm the first to criticize myself, to declare myself useless, pathetic, cowardly, etc. The answer I have to that (in my conversations with myself) is - Spare Me! You are wallowing in self-pity, things are not that bad. You are somehow using this as a crutch or a warped security blanket. Stop being so down on yourself, I say. Don't self-sabotage! There are plenty of hard knocks and set backs that will happen to you, so don't make yourself your number one enemy. b) I internalize criticism too much. When I get corrected on something, I'm too sensitive and get self-defensive or blow it out of proportion.

You've had a lot of hard knocks. Your family life hasn't been that great. On the other hand, it sounds to me like you also had a pretty good education and an interesting childhood -- taking dance classes (ballet or modern), playing the viola, going to a high school where German is offered. That's pretty amazing. I'll tell you something else -- this was a well-written, thoughtful piece of writing. I feel like I know you. It's powerful stuff. So, let's add to your accomplishments the ability to express yourself well. :) Heck, if you could score 85 plus on exams in classes you didn't do that much work for, then you've got a great mind. Clearly you are an accomplished young woman.

It's a shame that your family, especially your grandma, didn't follow the advice of your school counselors (who sound great by the way). It strikes me that the best thing for you was to move away. You need to distance yourself from the failures of your mother and grandmother, for their not nurturing you as they could. You are wounded by what happened, and that's understandable. After all, your family should be the ones to help you grow and provide you unwavering love. That didn't happen.

Here are some suggestions which follow from what forwells and ab have advised:

a) go to the library and get out self-help books to read through. Also, use that library to take out books to read. Fun books.
b) see if you can volunteer some place. For example, can you volunteer at a hospital, or help tutor children, or work at a food bank. Seek out places that would be glad to have your help. You are not worthless when you are helping others. I tell people who ask if I ever have thoughts of suicide that if things get that low, I'll just become a nun. That way I'll devote my life to helping others.
c) Montana must be quite interesting after Long Island. I'd feel out of place there myself. [I'm from NY too]. It sounds like Walmart wasn't the right fit. I wonder if you could take classes at a community college. Do you have a sense of what you'd like to do?
d) You should seek therapy on your own. You're worth it. We all are. I would see if there are programs in your area for women - support groups, and show up to a meeting. Are you near a hospital that offers behavioral health counseling?

I get where you are coming from. We all do. We are here to help you. You're not alone, and you're loved.

[stp4779]

Hi lettsee...
My heart just broke into pieces reading your story. I want to personally travel to meet your mother and grandmother, and show them just how I feel about them. Accompanied with a baseball bat. I hate to say mean things about people I don't know, but based on your story above I've conclude they're garbage. Absolute garbage. Moving away was the best thing you could have ever done for yourself.

Your very last sentence held what I think is the key.

"I want to be better than this."

That statement to me trumped anything else you said about seeking help... it's your life preserver. It showed me there is a sliver of self love and self preservation left in you. You need to grab onto that sliver and seek help. It won't be easy, but it's the only way out. Do it even if you don't think you're worth it. And you ARE worth it! A person's self worth is never measured in other people's opinions.

You deserve to be happy and healthy. You owe it to yourself to get help.

[letssee]

Thank you so much everyone for being so supportive and kind! <3 I admittedly avoided checking back because when I vent like that I get instantly embarrassed, so I don't often let it stick. Sometimes I'll post something on my blog about what I'm feeling and delete it 5 minutes later because I feel like I have no right to be as depressed as I am, which makes me feel even worse. (I will mark specific responses with **)

We may live in a falling apart 300-400 Sq foot studio, we may not have food until Wednesday, we may not have a car, I may have had a far below satisfactory past. But I live in a western nation, have access to Internet, unrestricted access to information, public transportation, a roof over my head, a soft Murphy bed, the comfiest blanket in the world, a man who loves me unconditionally, and lots of things that come with living in a developed country in general that I too often take for granted. I have opportunities that so many have had to work ten times harder for, and I feel like such a huge waste of it.

I want to go back to school and study law. I want to turn the dslr my boyfriend bought me two months ago despite our having nothing and my begging him not to because he sees potential in my photography, into a job. I want to find some kind of group, anything, and sing again. I want to do too many things and have no clue where to start, just thinking about it makes me feel so overwhelmed. I have too many interests I want to pursue for how riddled with worry I always am.

I will say though, in the last 2 years before I moved out my relationship with my mother improved slightly, because when she had probation closer together she couldn't get stewed as often. It went from virtually every day to like between five and ten times per month. The confusing thing is, I'm really not even sure she knows the full extent of how terrible she is when she blacks out, which used to be almost every day. Lucky her, she never remembered. When she remembered, the next day she would apologize and seem really upset, but still wouldn't change. I know she loves me and that my grandmother made her that way, I mean, 3 out of 4 of her children ended up with severe substance abuse issues and my mother is the only one left alive. (The one who didn't have these problems was an extraordinarily high achiever but passed when I was 2) Grandma was an alcoholic all through their childhood and would say screwed up things around me all the time when we'd be out for dinner and she'd have a glass of wine like "I'm so lucky I can drink responsibly and not get addicted to it or anything blah blah blah" as if nothing was ever wrong. Totally warped.

**AB, Thanks for that, it really does help to think of how valuable other people out there, who don't think they are, really are. I have thought about the animal shelter idea too! I miss having a pet so much. We had to leave my boyfriend's kitty with his mom for now, and I have never not had a dog for this long. Being pet-less is so sad, they really are a great source of pure joy.

**Forwells I did recently realize that a lot of what I say to and about myself, especially when I'm mid breakdown, sounds exactly like things my grandmother used to say. It was during an outburst and my boyfriend said I sounded like my grandmother and of course I said no, then he said "You don't hear it? Seriously? Listen to what you're saying and think of where you've heard it before" and it clicked. And I'm constantly thinking those things too, it's obsessive. It's like while I'm feeling I deserved what she'd say, I'd take over her role. I'm glad you've been able to push past your mistreatment and realize your potential. That takes so much strength and I hope you're proud of yourself. Also to answer your question, no, I'm not in touch with them at all.

**Perses I do have a tendency to self sabotage. My grandfather was a psychiatrist (at Pilgrim State in its prime, early retirement though, but since you said you're from NY I figured you might know the place) and I sometimes feel like understanding myself the way I do is a curse, because there is nothing more frustrating than realizing your flaws, knowing how to change it, and it ending with failure seemingly every time. I am confident that I possess the knowledge necessary to improve, it's just the whole making myself feel worth the effort I'm struggling with. I did the annual beach clean-ups, (Even though I hate the beach, marine life is innocent) visited nursing homes with choirs, helped set up all of my school's charity events with stage crew like jazz nights or theater nights, which I was always also in, they come in their shuttles from nursing homes across the island for a ~"fancy"~ dinner and a show, it's so precious, (I know that was more detailed than the rest but it was my favorite, especially the jazz nights, you could tell it warmed their hearts and made them feel young again) and now that I am where I am I dedicate a few hours a week to visiting a site called BlahTherapy as a "Listener" (but is also great for times you need to vent to someone right away) to listen to people vent about their problems and offer advice, so we are definitely on the same page with how helping feels. (: As far as what I want to do, I know I want to study law, and there is a college with a 99% acceptance rate nearby, (how embarrassing would -that- rejection letter feel? Hah) the application process is just so daunting and I think it's already too late to get into anywhere for fall. For me I think everything currently is just a matter of forcing myself to get over my insecurities and actually trying. There is a hospital close to here that is considered a charitable organization and they do have what I've heard is decent mental health options, I went there when I had the miscarriage and it was honestly the most beautiful hospital I've ever been to. They have a separate line there for asking nurses for advice so I think when my boyfriend comes home from work tomorrow I'll call and ask about my options. Again, something I already knew the answer to but keep putting off. I loathe talking on the phone, it's awful, maybe partly because at around 13 my mom started saying that if I wanted to go to the doctor or set up anything else I'd have to call for myself and never told me what to say or how to be on the phone, I just hate having to make calls because I stumble over my words, think too much, and always embarrass myself. Bleh. Phone. Just have to start doing it and accepting that I will be awkward at first but will learn with time. Anyway thank you so much for being so kind, and also for saying the things you said about my writing too. (Law is practical but if I could I'd try career writing, photography, or singing) I'm always very careful how I word things and I take my time, which I always thought made my issues sound less urgent and raw than when you let go, but I guess it's just in my nature that I tend to always have to be thorough, descriptive, and organized.

**Stp, that really put a smile on my face because it made me think of the only person I am still in touch with in New York, in high school I was over her house all the time and would sometimes end up just staying for like a week, she used to call her mom's SUV their strong white Steed, her and her mom were Knights, I the Princess in the tower, and my grandmother was the Dragon. Anyway you're right about that last bit of self preservation, and I really need to work on refocusing my thoughts on the positive. It's just so intimidating having to make that phone call and set it all up, but I have to push past it, and soon. I can remember a time when I legitimately liked who I am, and I hold onto that so that I don't forget it's possible.

Just thank you soooo so much, all of you, that is my point <3 I was so scared to say anything at all but I am so glad that I did

[Perses]

Dear Letsee,

I think you know what you need to do, or, really, want to do. It's a question of how to get from where you are to where you want to be.

I'm still thinking that getting some self-help books from the library might help you. Like you, I know myself too well. I think I've got myself figured out. I can do my own self-analysis, intellectually I get it, sure I know what steps I need to take. I'm a lit major so cogitating about my character's strengths and flaws is some strange form of self-comfort, though I'm not sure it helps. I find self-help books to be tedious and full of platitudes or aphorisms which don't get at what I regard (self-servingly) as the complexity of my situation. But, they are one step towards recognizing that one is not alone, and there can be some excellent advice. If you could find a therapist who could work with you on your experiences with your family, and, help you interrogate some of the negative thinking about yourself, I think that could help you tremendously. I've been working with a therapist and I've been surprised at some of the insights she has read into my character. As in, hmm, I guess I might have interpreted myself incorrectly ( a rather strange moment when someone else reads you better than you've read yourself.)

So, back to the journey metaphor. I think going to college would be a wonderful idea. If you could get in-state residency and then go to a community college near by your house, then I'd definitely try for that. You might want to check out from the library SAT prep books or ACT. Try a practice run, see how you do. I suspect that you'll do just fine, and that will give you confidence. I imagine that there are pre-law classes that you could take. I'm curious as to why you are interested in law, by the way. What attracts you to the profession?

One thing you will need to do is to work on is congratulating yourself on small steps taken towards you goal. What feels overwhelming will be, unless you can break it down into manageable steps, steps that feel manageable to you. You could devote an hour a day to taking and editing photographs. Go over to the college and get the applications in person if you find talking on the phone too onerous. Small steps should become achievements in their own right. [I'm sure you already know this; it's just acting on it]

Keep us informed of how you're doing.