I am the absolute worst at introductions...

[letssee]

I'm 22, I was raised immersed in a strictly "Negativity Only" environment by my single addict mother, emotionally abusive grandmother, and the grandfather she made cry almost every day too. I started exhibiting blatant symptoms of poor mental health at 13, including my school telling them that year I was in desperate need of therapy because I had been cutting and accidentally exposed it in the locker room, which was ignored and it has been downhill since. I have been diagnosed with Bulimia Nervosa (recovered), Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and Panic Disorder, but I also haven't seen a professional in a year and a half, or the same one for more than a couple months (because at the time I was dependent on my grandmother for rides and needing to be driven one place ten minutes away once a week, therapy after my one and only suicide attempt of all places at one point, was allegedly such a hassle that I was "ruining" her life, and should have just killed myself already, and I had to hear the same every time) and have gotten far far worse since I last saw anyone...

I'm mostly just scared
Scared of myself
Scared to let myself be happy
Scared of my inadequacy
Scared of literally -every- new person I meet
Scared of the future

[Fourteen14]

I'm 22, I was raised immersed in a strictly "Negativity Only" environment by my single addict mother, emotionally abusive grandmother, and the grandfather she made cry almost every day too. I started exhibiting blatant symptoms of poor mental health at 13, including my school telling them that year I was in desperate need of therapy because I had been cutting and accidentally exposed it in the locker room, which was ignored and it has been downhill since. I have been diagnosed with Bulimia Nervosa (recovered), Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and Panic Disorder, but I also haven't seen a professional in a year and a half, or the same one for more than a couple months (because at the time I was dependent on my grandmother for rides and needing to be driven one place ten minutes away once a week, therapy after my one and only suicide attempt of all places at one point, was allegedly such a hassle that I was "ruining" her life, and should have just killed myself already, and I had to hear the same every time) and have gotten far far worse since I last saw anyone... I'm mostly just scared Scared of myself Scared to let myself be happy Scared of my inadequacy Scared of literally -every- new person I meet Scared of the future

Welcome!

Apologies that this is so brief (it's 1:15am here and I'm up for work in 5 hours)

I just wanted to say.

YOUR LIFE IS IMPORTANT

YOU ARE OF VALUE

YOU ARE NOT YOUR PAST

YOU CAN CREATE YOUR OWN FUTURE


I will leave you to meet the wonderful people on the forum.

[letssee]

(Also should have added that I've been leaving the house 3-4 times a month and only 10 times total alone since July, and only beyond 2 blocks away from my street 5-6 times. I have an extremely hard time with being out in public, especially alone. One big thing I worry about a lot living in a culture that condones and even encourages such a thing, is that people will see my fat body or what I'm wearing and take a picture to have a good laugh online and joke about my worthlessness and death like I see done to so many other innocent fat people who are daring to exist while visible. I somehow have managed to lose 30 pounds this last year while being completely sedentary and eating usually one big meal per day so considering how weak I feel it had to have all been loss of muscle mass with the shortening of my muscles. I danced and was very active in my past and now I pull muscles just picking up a gallon of water. In my past I was also very extroverted, it's just my personality, I love people and learning about them which is why isolation is so hard for me, I was a social butterfly with tons of friends and never really had nothing to do. Then I moved across the country, completely withdrew from old friends because I felt like I didn't matter to them anyway, then I hadn't yet had the chance to make any friends here before my anxiety got to this point. I just feel increasingly worse and worse about myself and now the thought of trying to make a new friend makes me nauseous because I just can't believe it anymore when people act like they like me. I feel so alone.)

[letssee]

Welcome!

Apologies that this is so brief (it's 1:15am here and I'm up for work in 5 hours)

I just wanted to say.

YOUR LIFE IS IMPORTANT

YOU ARE OF VALUE

YOU ARE NOT YOUR PAST

YOU CAN CREATE YOUR OWN FUTURE

I will leave you to meet the wonderful people on the forum.

Thank you so much <3 Rest well, sleepy head, and have a great day tomorrow!

(Also a little embarrassed now about adding that second chunk but I have a problem with omission of detail and those types of decisions, which I am totally trying to get a hold on)