Tina Bauder
02-19-2014, 02:18 PM
Hello, I am a 26yr old woman currently attending a community college who doesn't like to interact with a lot of people. I'll try to make this short as I can: Ever since I was a child I would have a tendency to want to play alone with my toys I'd push my dad away. I never had birthday parties (even to this day)with other kids, my family was from out of town at the time so we were outcasts. Kindergarten was very weird to me, it was the first time I socially interacted with anyone besides my family. I never liked to sit with other kids much at all except for maybe 2 other girls. As time went on I was bullied in 4th and 5th grade, to the point I was suicidal at that young age, the only thing that prevented me from doing it was my sister being born. My family was poor, I mean POOR, not the cell phone bill, internet, and cable poor. We had barely anything to eat, I was thin. My parents would always fight about money. When I turned a teenager is when my anxiety I think started. My dad is partially crippled due to an injury, I always helped my dad from picking up a pen to shaving his back, I helped with fixing cars, and so much else. When I made a mistake, he'd scold me and tell me how stupid I was, that I'll be just like my mother, dimwitted with no job.:( When I cried afterwards, he'd tell me grow up and stop being a baby. I never got out to meet anyone, we never had a car really. My dad would go on and tell me it was me and my mother's fault, we deserved to walk 3 miles to town everyday, for what we did to one car by accident we had a while ago. "Once you're dumb, you're dumb forever" that's what my dad always said to us. I took it to the head, but the more I tried not to make mistakes the more I did. The more I was called an idiot, dumbass, a**hole, or son of a b. I didn't have many friends in school, I wasn't extremely smart, I definitely wasn't athletic, and I didn't date anyone. I stayed away from boys, I didn't want to end up losing my virginity at that age. Most girls in my class already have by the time I was a senior, I didn't want to be one of them. I don't like being in groups, or talking in front of the class. I went home after school and just played video games all day and night, I look back now as a big waste of my life. When I graduated I was hoping to move away from the area like my dad promised, turned out he wasn't planning on it at all, I was devastated. I lost confidence in myself and my dad, I became trapped in my parent's home. For 6 years I lived by my dads orders and rules, I only went to town to run errands. I did not have license, or a car so I had to walk 4 miles to town and back sometimes without rides. My dad never took me to get my eye glasses I needed to get a permit, I got them when I turned 23 on my own, by selling my hotwheel cars I collected over the years to pay for them. My dad was furious that I had done that, without consulting him first, he would of said no if I had asked him. By this time I was tired of being dependent, I wanted to get out and try to be social. Being sheltered for 7yrs after highschool with no social interaction with the outside made it harder and more frustrating for me I realized. If it wasn't for my now ex-boyfriend (only one I have ever had) and his family I wouldn't be out of that hole. I have a problem talking to any of the college students, and or faculty, I don't want to. They are younger and more annoying and laugh at stuff that's not even humorous to me. Btw, my parents are currently 75 and 63 both are in poor health because my dad doesn't want to see a doctor. Living with parents as old as your grandparents makes it harder to adjust to being "young" music, television.. heck they didn't get internet till I was 23 yrs old we didn't have television for a long time or a phone. My dad wanted to block out the "bad people". He only bought me things I never really needed, things that just made me worse like video games and yet he'd yell at me when I played them. I just have an extremely hard time socializing with anyone, and I am now finding it hard to keep my ambition up for school, since my ex broke it off a couple days ago.... I have little people to confide in, I probably put too much pressure on him by him being my "only" friend. My family.. forget it, I tried they just keep asking me why? Why did I go out with him? Why did you move in with him and his family? Why don't you want to live here again? My ex feels so sorry for me, that he's thinking of letting me stay there till my semester is over... I have no job I quit to go to school full time, I should of never applied for unemployment, I filed an appeal because I was rejected. Now I have to effing wait till that goes through. I am so stressed out, I know I am the cause of my current issues, but I don't know anyone at all with anything similar to my experience. People are very shocked when I tell them my some of my upbringing if they ask, they can't believe how sheltered I was... I really need help, I need to talk to people without feeling like I'm rejected... That's what I always feel.. rejected and alone.. I miss my ex... being with him was consolidating, yet I feel selfish. Sorry guess that wasn't real short :P