Hi, I'm new and suffering a really rough episode...

[Healthcalm]

Hi,

I just joined and would love some insight into my problems. I have already read some of the material on this sight and it makes me feel so much better that I'm not alone. I have suffered from some anxiety my whole life. For some reason it comes and goes; I will be worry free for months then have severe anxiety (inability to reason, panic attacks, unfounded dread) for a period of time.

My main fear has been that I will get HIV. But I don't put myself at risk! I am smart, educated about the disease, and practice safe sex and don't use needle drugs. But to me it is lurking everywhere! On toilets, counters, every time i see a safety pin or something pointy that its contaminated and I'm going to prick myself with it. Even worse, if I avoid what I perceive as dangers I will still go over and over the day or incident in my mind until I am worn out, depressed and feeling pretty bad about myself.

I took Paxil when I was 19 or so and having a really bad episode, just so I could cope. I didn't know that much about it and it was a terrible mistake. The withdrawals from that drug almost wrecked me. I am extremely hesitant to try any other meds.

Sorry this is long, but it feels so good to type this. Thank you to whoever reads this.

[olga]

If HIV is your anxiety, then learn more about it. The internet is full of great info, and you can learn if what you are fearing about HIV it is actually true. If it's NOT true, then you can put your mind at ease, and stop worrying about it. If is IS true, then you can learn ways to protect yourself.

[joey9]

I dunno - I can't help thinking that the more you look up HIV on the internet the more freaked out you'll get - you'll scan everything for even the tiny hint that anything you have done that day could even remotely have put you at risk. I'm sure that you already know the real risks factors for HIV infection, but your anxious mind has taken these risk factors and twisted them around somewhat. Anxiety plays tricks on the brain and it will distort everything you read to fit your fears. You might benefit more from reading up about anxiety, health phobia etc. and some CBT self-help books to find out where to go from here.

[Healthcalm]

I do know about the disease, it's my mind that's the problem. Everyday I find multiple things that could have put me at risk. And I can't stop obsessing over these incidents. The problem is that I CAN'T put my mind at ease. It is not a logical fear.

[abcdefghix]

Healthcam,

You are right to want to stay away from the meds. They can cause serious problems.

I recommend you get the book linked in my signature below. It is the only book that has helped with my obsessive thinking and worrying.

[lovejunkie]

i had major HIV phobia from the ages of about 17 to about 25. i was always very safe of course, but i didnt want to touch anything (it all had AIDS!), i had blood tests every month (even though i wasnt having sex!) and when i did get a new partner, i made them have a blood test after we had been together fr three months (the time is takes for HIV to show in blood tests), refused to sleep with them before that time, and even when it turned out that they were completely disease-free, i couldnt sleep with them anyway because i was too paranoid! lol!

as ridiculous as this sounds, years later i met a new partner and was preparing to go through the whole rigmarole again. i liked them so much that i ended up sleeping with them (protected).. and the condom broke. all my worst fears realised. for some reason when i realised the worst, everything became clear and saw how ridiculous i was being. (NOT that i am suggesting you have unsafe sex!!)

i have a million other anxieties but the HIV one only returns in very small doses. its not as common as you are thinking it is right now. any exposure of air to the virus pretty much kills it instantly. it doesnt matter what i say to you because i know anxiety has a louder voice! ;) but chances or you contracting it are small. there is no answer, just be sensible with sex, and ignore the anxiety. worrying about it your whole life is mentally as bad as having it anyway so be brave and forget about it!!! :)

good luck :)

[Healthcalm]

Thanks everyone for your replies. I am currently reading a book about mindfulness meditation for fear and anxiety, and keep hearing great things about "Get out of your mind and into your life" So I will read that soon as well.

Lovejunkie thanks especially to you. It is always comforting to know that you're not alone and that others have gotten through it.

Sometimes I feel like I'm losing my mind and I don't know how much longer I can hold on.

[xanax]

your phobia is just a thought at a given moment in time.
Why not try a holistic releasing method to train yourself to let go of any unwanted thoughts. Try something like the sedona method, there is a good free sample of the course so you can see if its for you or not.

good luck.