kerina
02-18-2014, 04:25 AM
Well I thought it would be therapeutic to share my experience today with other sufferers. My anxiety's been horrible today, and now I'm in a terrible 'negative thought' mood. So maybe speaking to others with anxiety will help me calm down...
Anyhow. Excuse me if I ramble on.
Today I went to my fourth counseling session. That was good! I learned some self-help techniques for my panic attacks. And I feel more comfortable speaking with my counselor now, who is a very lovely lady. It all went fine; it was namely about my self-esteem and OCD rituals. I don't take medication, but just being able to speak about it with someone who understands after months of suffering in silence is enough to make me feel slightly better.
That went well. But then I had this new self esteem course I was going to. I'm home-schooled now, but a while ago before then I was both bullied and ignored and had no friends for many years. It's a part of my life I don't really speak of, namely because it was years ago. Tonight made me remember the vivid fear of people my own age however.
I can speak fine to adults. I'm quiet, yes, and only talk to when spoken to, but I'm fine around adults. I haven't, however, spoken with teenagers/kids for a long time. Never got along well with them, though it's odd to say as I'm 15 myself. But I wanted to go to this confidence course. I thought, I don't know, it was worth a try. Feeling pathetic and worthless all the time is not only terrible on me, but on my family. It makes me irritable, withdrawn and hard to deal with. Besides, I'd gone once before. The first time I went, no one showed up but me and the two counselors. So we all just sat at a table; the two counselors included me in their conversations, but in a way that wasn't forced; and I just played with some art and playdough, before we discussed negative thoughts and how to break these thoughts down to deal with them, and thus calm ourselves at the same time. It was the first time I felt happy in a year or so; this terrifying numbness in me lifted just because I was experiencing 'fun' that I hadn't experienced as a child.
This time, however...
I don't really know what to say...I was practically mute. I couldn't speak. My voice would not work. It was terrifying. I could barely meet these two new teens' eyes, or even look at them in general. I was sweating; my heart was pumping fast, and all I could do was count things repeatedly in my head to try and calm myself down. I was so scared I'd just break down right in front of these people and hyperventilate. I didn't break down until one counselor led the girls away. Then I became a mess.
The other counselor sat down with me. I like her; she's a lovely lady, whom brings her two dogs to the sessions, which is a big comfort. We ended up drawing my safe environment; my house. It made me feel a lot better; just speaking of my pet rats to her, and my room and books and family, made me feel safer. I ended up going back inside, but I still couldn't speak to the others. I didn't participate in the activities and instead watched, rather overwhelmed by it all, but feeling much better within myself. When it was over I ran back to the car, and burst into tears.
Well yeah. I hope I don't sound pathetic or anything. I feel very mentally exhausted at the moment. There's not much else to say I suppose. I'll continue going, namely because, well, I love the counselors. And I want to feel better about myself; I need to give it my all to try the techniques they give me. I apologize if this is in the wrong section; please correct me if it is.
Umm...yeah! Thanks for reading. And is there anything I can do next time to try and reduce my anxiety...or something? Anyone else have similar experiences of just being mute? I hope this isn't too long. I'm sorry.
Thanks again
--Keri
Anyhow. Excuse me if I ramble on.
Today I went to my fourth counseling session. That was good! I learned some self-help techniques for my panic attacks. And I feel more comfortable speaking with my counselor now, who is a very lovely lady. It all went fine; it was namely about my self-esteem and OCD rituals. I don't take medication, but just being able to speak about it with someone who understands after months of suffering in silence is enough to make me feel slightly better.
That went well. But then I had this new self esteem course I was going to. I'm home-schooled now, but a while ago before then I was both bullied and ignored and had no friends for many years. It's a part of my life I don't really speak of, namely because it was years ago. Tonight made me remember the vivid fear of people my own age however.
I can speak fine to adults. I'm quiet, yes, and only talk to when spoken to, but I'm fine around adults. I haven't, however, spoken with teenagers/kids for a long time. Never got along well with them, though it's odd to say as I'm 15 myself. But I wanted to go to this confidence course. I thought, I don't know, it was worth a try. Feeling pathetic and worthless all the time is not only terrible on me, but on my family. It makes me irritable, withdrawn and hard to deal with. Besides, I'd gone once before. The first time I went, no one showed up but me and the two counselors. So we all just sat at a table; the two counselors included me in their conversations, but in a way that wasn't forced; and I just played with some art and playdough, before we discussed negative thoughts and how to break these thoughts down to deal with them, and thus calm ourselves at the same time. It was the first time I felt happy in a year or so; this terrifying numbness in me lifted just because I was experiencing 'fun' that I hadn't experienced as a child.
This time, however...
I don't really know what to say...I was practically mute. I couldn't speak. My voice would not work. It was terrifying. I could barely meet these two new teens' eyes, or even look at them in general. I was sweating; my heart was pumping fast, and all I could do was count things repeatedly in my head to try and calm myself down. I was so scared I'd just break down right in front of these people and hyperventilate. I didn't break down until one counselor led the girls away. Then I became a mess.
The other counselor sat down with me. I like her; she's a lovely lady, whom brings her two dogs to the sessions, which is a big comfort. We ended up drawing my safe environment; my house. It made me feel a lot better; just speaking of my pet rats to her, and my room and books and family, made me feel safer. I ended up going back inside, but I still couldn't speak to the others. I didn't participate in the activities and instead watched, rather overwhelmed by it all, but feeling much better within myself. When it was over I ran back to the car, and burst into tears.
Well yeah. I hope I don't sound pathetic or anything. I feel very mentally exhausted at the moment. There's not much else to say I suppose. I'll continue going, namely because, well, I love the counselors. And I want to feel better about myself; I need to give it my all to try the techniques they give me. I apologize if this is in the wrong section; please correct me if it is.
Umm...yeah! Thanks for reading. And is there anything I can do next time to try and reduce my anxiety...or something? Anyone else have similar experiences of just being mute? I hope this isn't too long. I'm sorry.
Thanks again
--Keri