Please Help

[Katy]

Hi,

Please could someone offer me some advise please. I have been in a relationship with a guy for 2 years who is going through a Divorce (he left his wife 2 years ago) He has 2 children and a house to sell that has been on the market for 2 years without any joy.

This has caused stress on all sides and as a sufferer of anxiety for 10 years I have become really needy with the insecurity. We have had countless arguments due to all the stress and I am scared I am loosing the plot!!!.

Our last argument was on Sunday and ended with him saying he didnt want us anymore and we were finished (he has said this several times in arguments). We decided on space but since sunday I cannot function and have had to take time off of work. I managed to speak to him today briefly and said we would talk later today. However now I cannot get hold of him and am sitting here thinking something awful is going to happen to me and that I am going to have a long panic attack very soon.

How can I take back the control as I just feel that sometimes I just want to shut my eyes and get rid of the way I feel.

Just any words of advice of strength would be greatly appreciated

Thanks

[jackson]

I'm sorry to read what you are going through. Try not to get consumed by the concept of a panic attack. I used to and I made life very difficult for myself.

To break the 'I'm thinking I'll have a panic attack so I end up having a panic attack' cycle try to focus on small day to day things. What needs doing today (maybe write a list) and each time you manage to do one thing on the list reward yourself somehow. When you've been through an hour without panic you know you can do another, the hours roll into a day, and look you've managed a day! You now know you can go a day without panic.

You're not alone either, I have suffered with anxiety for pretty much 8 years, it goes sometimes and I'm fine, but sometimes it feels like it comes back tenfold, I think mixed in with depression. If it helps I can explain my current story. My job is stressful, I work with extremely volatile young people. I like my job but I'm under increased pressure to paper push without any extra credit for the hours, blood, sweat and tears I put into it. Due to a fragile company I am at constant risk of losing my job. My partner and I live together. They had to move quite far for us to be together and I feel they are feeling the stress, being away from friends and family, especially as a particularly maternal family member died recently and their desire to move back has increased. Amongst other things my partner came home late last night from a club, they'd been out on a business thing. At 3 am they jump into bed and confesses that they no longer want to be with me. I was ignored this morning, to the point that when i offered money for lunch they refused even though they had lost their wallet. I've spent my day feeling short of breath, with a loss of appetite, feeling sick, dizzy, forgetful. All the usual stuff that happens when I am feeling anxious.

I too have become insecure and needy from my anxiety, my partner feels that anxiety is one of these imaginary problems and that I should just smile and get on with it.

We must remember that nothing bad is going to happen to us, it didnt yesterday or the day before so why are we worrying about today and tomorrow, it's self destructive.

You talked about shutting your eyes. I would love to do the same, but that's not dealing with it, that's running away. Saying that sometimes you need to walk away from something before you can look at it properly. Maybe the break is a good thing for the moment, leave him be for the moment, men don't always like to talk about things he might need some space.

If things are getting really bad go and see your doctor, they might be able to give you the support you need.

I hope everything works out ok for you.

[setler]

Thank you for reaching out to the community here online. I don't have any magical advice, and I apologize, but just the normal things. Have you thought about meeting with a counselor or therapist to talk about getting control back? Having someone completely dedicated to helping you is an extremely powerful force for healing and change in your life.

Concerning your situation, make sure to keep taking care of yourself and treating yourself with love. That sound cliche, I'm sure, but I think it is the best advice. Try and step back from your position and look at the whole picture objectively... just do what you think is right and healthiest for you.

May you find the strength you need... :)

"The Warrior of the Light unwittingly takes a false step and plunges into the abyss. Ghosts frighten her and solitude torments her. Her aim had been to fight the Good Fight, and she never imagined that this would happen to her, but it did. Shrouded in darkness, she makes contact with her master. 'Master, I have fallen into the abyss,' she says. 'The waters are deep and dark'. 'Remember one thing,' replies her master. 'You do not drown simply by plunging into water, you only drown if you stay beneath the surface.' And the warrior uses all her strength to escape from her predicament."
-Paulo Coelho
"Warrior of the Light"

[olga]

It sounds like you already know what the solution is..."taking back control". That doesn't make it easy, but at least you acknowledge that you HAVE lost the control somewhere along the way. That's ok...don't sit and blame yourself...you CAN get it back.

Life is never going to be perfect...we are always going to have situations to deal with. What we CAN do though, is LEARN new ways of dealing with these problems...instead of reverting back to our usual ways of anxiety and panic. These coping skills don't work...so you need to find new ones that do.

Self help books about anxiety are wonderful in my opinion, as well as one on one therapy. As anxiety sufferers we don't possess the proper tools for coping...so we need to learn them. I'll be the first one to tell you that it's not easy at first...but it does get better. Situations that would totally freak me out before are little bumps in the road now...not earthquakes.

Like someone else said, you need to treat yourself with love. I fully believe that in order to have good relationships with other people, you first need to have a good relationship with yourself.