tori_terror_ific
02-14-2014, 05:51 AM
Evening all,
I often read of those who have suffered panic attacks - they feel like they are dying or that their life is in grave danger - and it makes me wonder, do I really have anxiety? Is what I am experiencing merely another trait of the illness? Or is it something else?
I don't experience panic attacks similar to this at all, which of course makes me question if they even are panic attacks to start with.
Every so often - more regularly then not of late - I go into a mood where I question everything I have and all of my thoughts and beliefs much more then I already do. I go so far as to break down and if I am not with someone to hold me while I dangle at the edge of the cliff, well that hasn't happened yet, but I don't want to find out what would.
I continually find myself questioning my relationship. Whether or not I am happy, if this is where I want to be and who I want to be with or if I am genuinely myself, or just pretending, persuading not only my partner but myself to believe that I am someone I am not.
I am happy, he makes me happy. We have no issues in the relationship other then the constant struggle with anxiety, but he is there for me. He knows all, and is willing to do anything for me to make the illness easier. But what if I am in it for the wrong reasons? What if I don't like him, even though I know I do? It is all so confusing, but sometimes I get into a state where I can't stop worrying about the 'what ifs'.
It probably doesn't help that I have gone 'cold turkey' from my medication for the past week or two, and I will be restarting the doses tomorrow morning. But none the less, I am afraid. And I guess that that is what it all boils down to. I am afraid that I don't know what I want, I am afraid that I will waste my life away, and I am terrified to tell you this. Why? Because I am afraid of your answer. I am afraid of being told that I should leave if I am not certain, because I don't want to leave. I am afraid of being told that if I don't want to leave, then we need to sort the relationship out, because there is nothing to sort out other then my constant break downs. I'm scared.
Tonight is the first night in four months that I will be completely alone, and on top of that I am not medicated. All I can hope for is that I can hold myself together, because I need to.
I often read of those who have suffered panic attacks - they feel like they are dying or that their life is in grave danger - and it makes me wonder, do I really have anxiety? Is what I am experiencing merely another trait of the illness? Or is it something else?
I don't experience panic attacks similar to this at all, which of course makes me question if they even are panic attacks to start with.
Every so often - more regularly then not of late - I go into a mood where I question everything I have and all of my thoughts and beliefs much more then I already do. I go so far as to break down and if I am not with someone to hold me while I dangle at the edge of the cliff, well that hasn't happened yet, but I don't want to find out what would.
I continually find myself questioning my relationship. Whether or not I am happy, if this is where I want to be and who I want to be with or if I am genuinely myself, or just pretending, persuading not only my partner but myself to believe that I am someone I am not.
I am happy, he makes me happy. We have no issues in the relationship other then the constant struggle with anxiety, but he is there for me. He knows all, and is willing to do anything for me to make the illness easier. But what if I am in it for the wrong reasons? What if I don't like him, even though I know I do? It is all so confusing, but sometimes I get into a state where I can't stop worrying about the 'what ifs'.
It probably doesn't help that I have gone 'cold turkey' from my medication for the past week or two, and I will be restarting the doses tomorrow morning. But none the less, I am afraid. And I guess that that is what it all boils down to. I am afraid that I don't know what I want, I am afraid that I will waste my life away, and I am terrified to tell you this. Why? Because I am afraid of your answer. I am afraid of being told that I should leave if I am not certain, because I don't want to leave. I am afraid of being told that if I don't want to leave, then we need to sort the relationship out, because there is nothing to sort out other then my constant break downs. I'm scared.
Tonight is the first night in four months that I will be completely alone, and on top of that I am not medicated. All I can hope for is that I can hold myself together, because I need to.