I just need to vent

[barelytolerable]

Hey guys, these last few years have been really hard for me, and I've been putting off talking to a therapist because no one in my family really has the time or money to do that right now. But I just feel like I need to talk to some people who get it. So this is my first post on an anxiety forum. I'll probably be sticking around. :)
Basically, I have depression and anxiety. I don't feel as depressed as I used to, but my anxiety has gradually been getting worse. I've only had two major panic attacks, but I'm afraid that they might become more frequent the longer this goes untreated. My anxiety has caused me to get sick more often and have a very difficult time getting to sleep. No one in my family really gets it. My siblings tend to think that I'm just negative and pessimistic, and my parents basically think I'm overreacting.
The root cause of my anxiety are my abusive parents. I'm a senior in highschool, so I still live with them. I get along with my Mom most of the time, but she's prone to outbursts and yelling, and she sometimes goes to the extremes with her punishments. (For instance, a few months ago, she hid all of the dishes in our house because I didn't clean the kitchen). On the other hand, I don't get along with my Dad at all. He uses fear and manipulation to get what he wants, and was physically abusive to me for many years until he considered me "too old" for physical discipline. He still hits my younger brother, and was hitting my older brother when he was my age, so I really want nothing to do with him. Unfortunately, these days the slightest things are triggering, and sometimes I get really stressed out and panicked when I suddenly remember things that happened years ago. I don't want to have anxiety for the rest of my life. I would really appreciate if people could give me some advice.

[Enduronman]

Welcome friend,
I can see where it may be abit tough to speak to a therapists, when the issues you wish to discuss revolve around the very people that you live with and would be paying for the visits, I fully understand the problems associated with that..
I can also see where most of the depressive/anxietal issues would come from..the home and the very people that are to raise, assist, protect you..
You won't have this level on anxiety the rest of your life, but, it will be important for you to disassociate yourself to some degree, from the household and the very people in it to focus on yourself and your own recovery as it seems both parents also carry certain mental illnesses in themselves.
It doesn't mean that you'll have to stop caring and loving your parents as I know that you do, regardless of what they have done in the past...
Therapy will teach you how to let go of those thoughts that will attempt to haunt and torment you for an entire lifetime but will do more damage to you then good.

Yes, stick around and we'll get you through the best that we can...

E-Man...:)

[Fourteen14]

Sounds like you have a lot to deal with right now between your home/family and anxiety/depression.

You are in a position where it's incredibly hard to separate the negative aspects in your life and it's highly plausible to assume that your current home and family life are fuelling the increased anxiety (certainly not helping that's for sure).

My opinion would be (others will likely differ), that if you have no way of changing your living arrangements or have access to therapy, then you need to try and deal with the anxiety and home situation as two separate issues.

1. Read around the various threads (stickies on the main forum page are a good place to start) to educate yourself on the various techniques and suggestions of limiting the effects of the anxiety/depression to try and prevent it escalating. Until you are in a position to seek professional help (perhaps do a web search to see if there are any local support/charity organisations you can access for free. (I'm assuming you are in the US, so I'm taking a guess that this will be a long shot).

2. As difficult as it is, accept the home and family situation as something beyond your control until you can get out, I don't know your full story/background, but from what you mention in your post, this situation with your parents is unlikely to change.

Focus on yourself wherever possible, and try and find ways that work for you to manage the anxiety until you are in a financial position to get your own place and healthcare.

[Fourteen14]

Looks like both E-man and I were typing at the same time (me being the slowest obviously) however, it appears we are in mutual agreement :)

[Enduronman]

Agreed my friend^^!!...

You have a great day too 14, good to see you!!

E-Man..:)

[Fourteen14]

Agreed my friend^^!!... You have a great day too 14, good to see you!! E-Man..:)

You too E-Man! :)

[barelytolerable]

Welcome friend,
I can see where it may be abit tough to speak to a therapists, when the issues you wish to discuss revolve around the very people that you live with and would be paying for the visits, I fully understand the problems associated with that..
I can also see where most of the depressive/anxietal issues would come from..the home and the very people that are to raise, assist, protect you..
You won't have this level on anxiety the rest of your life, but, it will be important for you to disassociate yourself to some degree, from the household and the very people in it to focus on yourself and your own recovery as it seems both parents also carry certain mental illnesses in themselves.
It doesn't mean that you'll have to stop caring and loving your parents as I know that you do, regardless of what they have done in the past...
Therapy will teach you how to let go of those thoughts that will attempt to haunt and torment you for an entire lifetime but will do more damage to you then good.

Yes, stick around and we'll get you through the best that we can...

E-Man...:)

Thanks so much!

[Enduronman]

Very, very welcome!! It looks like brother 14 and I are on the exact same page too!!....YAY!!!!
Yes, we can see where to strengths, weaknesses, are for sure and understand the "sticky" points as well...
We'll help to get you to where you need to go to get this under your own control, regardless of what those around you may be doing or how they're acting....

Are you 18 yet???...Important if you could potentially seek help on your own or seek Council without them knowing...that would be a plus.

Hope this day is a better day for you!!!

E-Man...:)

[Enduronman]

PS: I am 46 years old and still remember my Dad beating my a** when I was young, because Mom told him too but I still love him and he's over here twice a week visiting too..
I don't let those "momentary" lapses of his Judgment affect, haunt, torment me or our relationship...I just had to accept, understand, what the purpose in that was...
It was their purpose, plan, form of disipline and I accept that...I didn't use that form of disipline with my own kids except (1) time each...and you know what????
They ALL 3 remember those times but it doesn't impact our relationship and they understand "why" I chose that approach at the particular time that I did....

We're all just human, acting like, humans and we don't "always" do what everyone else thinks is right or wrong, we are our own individual person. ONE of a kind...

Hope that helps in some way too...

E-Man...:)

[Perses]

Dear Barely,

First, you should congratulate yourself for writing an articulate well thought out post. You are aware of your situation, and you have a grip on why you feel depressed and suffer from anxiety. It's a mature sense of self that you have. So, feel good about that. Since you are a senior in high school, I suspect that part of what might be driving your anxiety is what you'll be doing next. Ideally, it would be great if you were heading off to college where you could live out from under your family and where you could make new friends, live with roommates and be able to avail yourself of the behavioral health services located on campus. Or, perhaps you will line up a job right after high school that will enable you to feel more independent and self-assured.

Hopefully, the anxiety that you feel will dissipate once you aren't in the daily company of your parents. I'm sure they love you and relationships change over time. You have a great, grand future ahead of you.

[barelytolerable]

PS: I am 46 years old and still remember my Dad beating my a** when I was young, because Mom told him too but I still love him and he's over here twice a week visiting too..
I don't let those "momentary" lapses of his Judgment affect, haunt, torment me or our relationship...I just had to accept, understand, what the purpose in that was...
It was their purpose, plan, form of disipline and I accept that...I didn't use that form of disipline with my own kids except (1) time each...and you know what????
They ALL 3 remember those times but it doesn't impact our relationship and they understand "why" I chose that approach at the particular time that I did....

We're all just human, acting like, humans and we don't "always" do what everyone else thinks is right or wrong, we are our own individual person. ONE of a kind...

Hope that helps in some way too...

E-Man...:)

Thanks for sharing your experience, E-Man. I don't believe in physical punishment for my own children but I think that it may not be traumatizing, depending on the situation. However, my Mom and many of my relatives have been making excuses for him for my entire life, and so I've definitely heard stories like yours before. Your situation is different from mine because I can't dismisd his actions as a momentary lapse of judgment. I think I probably wasn't clear in my first post when I said we don't get along. We're pretty civil to each other and rarely ever argue. I actually do what I can to avoid him, and we sometimes go days without talking to each other. When we do talk, our conversations are pretty short.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that distance from my Dad is absolutely necessary, not because of what he's done, but because of who he is. I think this is one of the most difficult things I've had to explain to people, because a lot of people don't really get how your parent can love you but be toxic for you at the same time, and I can't explain it either. Anyway, I don't want this to turn into a rant, because I know you were just trying to help.

[barelytolerable]

No, I'm still 17 right now, unfortunately.

[barelytolerable]

Dear Barely,

First, you should congratulate yourself for writing an articulate well thought out post. You are aware of your situation, and you have a grip on why you feel depressed and suffer from anxiety. It's a mature sense of self that you have. So, feel good about that. Since you are a senior in high school, I suspect that part of what might be driving your anxiety is what you'll be doing next. Ideally, it would be great if you were heading off to college where you could live out from under your family and where you could make new friends, live with roommates and be able to avail yourself of the behavioral health services located on campus. Or, perhaps you will line up a job right after high school that will enable you to feel more independent and self-assured.

Hopefully, the anxiety that you feel will dissipate once you aren't in the daily company of your parents. I'm sure they love you and relationships change over time. You have a great, grand future ahead of you.

Thank you!

[barelytolerable]

Sounds like you have a lot to deal with right now between your home/family and anxiety/depression.

You are in a position where it's incredibly hard to separate the negative aspects in your life and it's highly plausible to assume that your current home and family life are fuelling the increased anxiety (certainly not helping that's for sure).

My opinion would be (others will likely differ), that if you have no way of changing your living arrangements or have access to therapy, then you need to try and deal with the anxiety and home situation as two separate issues.

1. Read around the various threads (stickies on the main forum page are a good place to start) to educate yourself on the various techniques and suggestions of limiting the effects of the anxiety/depression to try and prevent it escalating. Until you are in a position to seek professional help (perhaps do a web search to see if there are any local support/charity organisations you can access for free. (I'm assuming you are in the US, so I'm taking a guess that this will be a long shot).

2. As difficult as it is, accept the home and family situation as something beyond your control until you can get out, I don't know your full story/background, but from what you mention in your post, this situation with your parents is unlikely to change.

Focus on yourself wherever possible, and try and find ways that work for you to manage the anxiety until you are in a financial position to get your own place and healthcare.

Thanks, I'll make sure and read the stickies later.