brenzyx
02-12-2014, 12:59 AM
Hi, I recently found this site and was hoping someone would have gone through a similar situation and/or could offer some advice on how to deal with this dilemma. In early November, I went to one of my fraternity’s date parties on a whim with a girl that I had known somewhat during highschool but not at all during college. She is my college freshman's roommate's ex girlfriend just for some information. I am a junior and she is currently a sophomore despite being a month older than me (started school later in a different country).
Anyways, back to the date party. We danced for a little while, went back to hang out in my room, and ended up staying up til around 4 A.M. talking and watching T.V. I had been to several other date parties with other girls, and never have had this much fun or felt as comfortable talking with another girl like this. Since we had been drinking, I did not want to drive her back, so she slept in my roommate's bed (he was gone for the night; nothing happened between us). We went on several more dates through the following weeks, Thanksgiving, and Christmas break. Every time, we never ran out of something to talk about (unusual with me because it's usually awkward), and I felt an immediate connection unlike any I have had before (I had one previous girlfriend but it was completely long distance). We decided to make it official right before Christmas, and things have been great ever since. We haven't argued or fought about anything really (besides teasing one another) and we spend quite a bit of time together since our schools are about 10 minute apart. Both of us hate spending time apart, which we both realize isn’t a good thing since it’s healthy to have friends and hobbies outside of your relationship. We have been trying to work on this, but the feeling of loneliness and missing one another just doesn’t go away. Despite only being together officially for a month and a half, I haven’t ever felt more comfortable telling someone anything and them not judging me for what I say or who I am. Although we have some differences (she is quite social, I am not until someone gets to know me), we are pretty much the same person with our mannerisms, food choices, TV shows, music, etc. As odd as it sounds, we even think alike such as completing one another’s sentences despite only really knowing one another for 3-4 months. Both of us say it’s like we’ve been best friends/together for years.
The problem is that every time she wants to go hang out a fraternity house at her school with her friends or go to a bar, I get a sinking/empty feeling in my stomach and my heart starts to beat rapidly. It's not too often that she asks to go, but maybe one day every other week. I'm not sure if this is anxiety, just worrying, or what. I don't want to be controlling and tell her that she cannot go, but every time this is just mentioned, I get this feeling. I know if I tell her no, this will eventually lead to us breaking up or fighting, which I do not want. I don’t want to be the boyfriend that controls when and where his girlfriend has fun. She is her own person, and I have to respect that but I just need to be able to deal with the nervousness. After her roommates and her were discussing it in front of me, she noticed that it was bothering me and we went in her room and talked it out. She was completely understanding and promised not to drink at these parties/functions, which eased a bit of the nervousness, but I still worry. I am very protective of the people that I care about and love, which can be a good or bad thing in a situation like this I suppose.
Although I do not believe that she would cheat on me in any way, there are a few things in my subconscious that keep coming back up. She has told me that she used to party quite a bit and quite hard freshman year but has backed off since school has gotten more difficult and since we started talking. One of her roommates and her used to have “competitions” with one another to see how many guys they could makeout with in one night. She has told me it never escalated past that, and I believe her. She also used to drink excessively to the point of blacking out. She has told me numerous times that she has gotten out of this “freshman” phase, and I have no reason to doubt her at all. I’ll repeat that while I trust her, I do not trust the random fraternities at the other university that I know nothing about. Unfortunately, they do not allow “outsiders ” (those not on a list) to their parties, which is something completely foreign to me since my fraternity is quite open about who we allow in as long as they do not cause any trouble.
Hopefully someone out there has dealt with a situation like this, and I would love any advice on how to deal with this dilemma. I don’t want her to not drink hanging out with her friends if she want to (I have said I won't drink without her and she says she has just as much fun not drinking with her friends), but then again, I worry to death that something will happen if she has too much to drink or a guy tries to take advantage. I have never had a problem like this before, so it is something quite new to me to be feeling like this. She keeps saying it’s fine and that she doesn’t think that I’m trying to be controlling or anything like that, but I feel like I am. Simply put, I just don’t know how to deal these feelings. If you need any other information, please let me know and I’ll try to provide details. Thanks for your help!
Anyways, back to the date party. We danced for a little while, went back to hang out in my room, and ended up staying up til around 4 A.M. talking and watching T.V. I had been to several other date parties with other girls, and never have had this much fun or felt as comfortable talking with another girl like this. Since we had been drinking, I did not want to drive her back, so she slept in my roommate's bed (he was gone for the night; nothing happened between us). We went on several more dates through the following weeks, Thanksgiving, and Christmas break. Every time, we never ran out of something to talk about (unusual with me because it's usually awkward), and I felt an immediate connection unlike any I have had before (I had one previous girlfriend but it was completely long distance). We decided to make it official right before Christmas, and things have been great ever since. We haven't argued or fought about anything really (besides teasing one another) and we spend quite a bit of time together since our schools are about 10 minute apart. Both of us hate spending time apart, which we both realize isn’t a good thing since it’s healthy to have friends and hobbies outside of your relationship. We have been trying to work on this, but the feeling of loneliness and missing one another just doesn’t go away. Despite only being together officially for a month and a half, I haven’t ever felt more comfortable telling someone anything and them not judging me for what I say or who I am. Although we have some differences (she is quite social, I am not until someone gets to know me), we are pretty much the same person with our mannerisms, food choices, TV shows, music, etc. As odd as it sounds, we even think alike such as completing one another’s sentences despite only really knowing one another for 3-4 months. Both of us say it’s like we’ve been best friends/together for years.
The problem is that every time she wants to go hang out a fraternity house at her school with her friends or go to a bar, I get a sinking/empty feeling in my stomach and my heart starts to beat rapidly. It's not too often that she asks to go, but maybe one day every other week. I'm not sure if this is anxiety, just worrying, or what. I don't want to be controlling and tell her that she cannot go, but every time this is just mentioned, I get this feeling. I know if I tell her no, this will eventually lead to us breaking up or fighting, which I do not want. I don’t want to be the boyfriend that controls when and where his girlfriend has fun. She is her own person, and I have to respect that but I just need to be able to deal with the nervousness. After her roommates and her were discussing it in front of me, she noticed that it was bothering me and we went in her room and talked it out. She was completely understanding and promised not to drink at these parties/functions, which eased a bit of the nervousness, but I still worry. I am very protective of the people that I care about and love, which can be a good or bad thing in a situation like this I suppose.
Although I do not believe that she would cheat on me in any way, there are a few things in my subconscious that keep coming back up. She has told me that she used to party quite a bit and quite hard freshman year but has backed off since school has gotten more difficult and since we started talking. One of her roommates and her used to have “competitions” with one another to see how many guys they could makeout with in one night. She has told me it never escalated past that, and I believe her. She also used to drink excessively to the point of blacking out. She has told me numerous times that she has gotten out of this “freshman” phase, and I have no reason to doubt her at all. I’ll repeat that while I trust her, I do not trust the random fraternities at the other university that I know nothing about. Unfortunately, they do not allow “outsiders ” (those not on a list) to their parties, which is something completely foreign to me since my fraternity is quite open about who we allow in as long as they do not cause any trouble.
Hopefully someone out there has dealt with a situation like this, and I would love any advice on how to deal with this dilemma. I don’t want her to not drink hanging out with her friends if she want to (I have said I won't drink without her and she says she has just as much fun not drinking with her friends), but then again, I worry to death that something will happen if she has too much to drink or a guy tries to take advantage. I have never had a problem like this before, so it is something quite new to me to be feeling like this. She keeps saying it’s fine and that she doesn’t think that I’m trying to be controlling or anything like that, but I feel like I am. Simply put, I just don’t know how to deal these feelings. If you need any other information, please let me know and I’ll try to provide details. Thanks for your help!