DieuEtMonDroit
02-11-2014, 01:51 PM
Hello, I have a problem with what is probably referred to as panic attacks or social anxiety disorders and it is getting worse.
Beginning at about age 12 I began to have significant anxiety when speaking in front of a group. The fear has fed off of itself my whole life until about 8 years ago (I am over 40) when I started actively trying to get better. It worked somewhat and there are things that I have accomplished in that time that I would never have been able to do before (lead meetings, lead a discussion topic, introduce myself in a large meeting). Anyway about 6 weeks ago I was particularly stressed while heading for a meeting. During the meeting a colleague began to answer a question, and in the middle of it deferred to me since he felt it was my area of expertise. His boss was at the meeting and so was mine. It was a decently large meeting with a lot of people I did not know. Now, my boss has been insecure over the thought of his boss thinking that my colleague was helping us too much (a work hand-off situation). My boss has put pressure on me to not allow for any appearance that we need my colleagues help. My colleague and I were both aware of my boss's feelings and that is why he deferred to me. My boss and I had also just had some other conflicts the day before. As my colleague deferred to me, my boss looked at me as to say "ok take it from here and show everyone why this is our area of expertise", at that point I immediately panicked. It was horribly embarrassing. My blood pressure went so high I began to hyperventilate and could not speak clearly. This is the normal way for me. That is why it is so difficult to overcome. If my palms sweated, or face turned red, I think I could climb out my problem better. But for me, I can't speak. Everyone there had to be able to pick up on it and I quickly stopped speaking after getting out only a couple short phrases as I searched for a breathe. My colleague resumed and a bit later as folks kept looking at me for more input I felt compelled to tell them "I am sorry that I am having a server blood pressure episode and am unable add to the discussion".
Since that episode, and because the problem came seemingly from out of nowhere, I have panicked 4 more time. Most recently just yesterday when I had to meet my new boss's boss for the first time (I have met him before). I was completely relaxed, (completely) feeling no anxiety at all until I walked into his office. I got though that one fairly quickly, but I could tell that he could tell. And other times it basically shuts me down. As soon as it happens the intense embarrassment takes it from there and keeps it going. Why can't this joker just introduce himself? Man this guy is an embarrassment? Why is he in charge of anything??
One last bit of background on my social anxiety/panic disorder. I actually build up panic attack anxiety just for having to go around the room and give your name and say something about yourself. Traditionally, I was only able to do something like that if I was called on spur of the moment, but if I had time to sit knowing I was next, that would kill me. Recently though, it is taking over even if it is spontaneous, or if I feel calm going into it. It just takes the idea of it to just pop in my head and the panic takes over. At a meeting 2 weeks ago I had to excuse myself. I sat there feeling perfectly relaxed and this happened inside my head; "what if I have a panic attack?" "I won't. This meeting is cake, I am very relaxed." "Sure, I am relaxed now, but what if I do". Then, I slipped right into an attack. The fear of having an attack caused the attack.
Thanks for listening folks. I hope to get to know some of you, hear good advice, and figure a way out of this hole.
P.S. I am using alcohol at work to hide this embarrassing problem. I drank before I met my boss's boss and that did not seem to help enough. One other time it seemed to not help as well. I went to my car to drink before a large meeting where I was afraid I would be called upon introduce myself and my team to a larger group. I got to the meeting late because I was panicking by myself in my car before the meeting. A few other meetings the alcohol worked like a charm. I now stare at my calendar each day looking at what my week holds and dreading every day. Anyway, I as the late Richard Manuel sang; "you don't know the Shape I'm In" - or perhaps I'll hear from someone who does.
Thanks everyone.
Beginning at about age 12 I began to have significant anxiety when speaking in front of a group. The fear has fed off of itself my whole life until about 8 years ago (I am over 40) when I started actively trying to get better. It worked somewhat and there are things that I have accomplished in that time that I would never have been able to do before (lead meetings, lead a discussion topic, introduce myself in a large meeting). Anyway about 6 weeks ago I was particularly stressed while heading for a meeting. During the meeting a colleague began to answer a question, and in the middle of it deferred to me since he felt it was my area of expertise. His boss was at the meeting and so was mine. It was a decently large meeting with a lot of people I did not know. Now, my boss has been insecure over the thought of his boss thinking that my colleague was helping us too much (a work hand-off situation). My boss has put pressure on me to not allow for any appearance that we need my colleagues help. My colleague and I were both aware of my boss's feelings and that is why he deferred to me. My boss and I had also just had some other conflicts the day before. As my colleague deferred to me, my boss looked at me as to say "ok take it from here and show everyone why this is our area of expertise", at that point I immediately panicked. It was horribly embarrassing. My blood pressure went so high I began to hyperventilate and could not speak clearly. This is the normal way for me. That is why it is so difficult to overcome. If my palms sweated, or face turned red, I think I could climb out my problem better. But for me, I can't speak. Everyone there had to be able to pick up on it and I quickly stopped speaking after getting out only a couple short phrases as I searched for a breathe. My colleague resumed and a bit later as folks kept looking at me for more input I felt compelled to tell them "I am sorry that I am having a server blood pressure episode and am unable add to the discussion".
Since that episode, and because the problem came seemingly from out of nowhere, I have panicked 4 more time. Most recently just yesterday when I had to meet my new boss's boss for the first time (I have met him before). I was completely relaxed, (completely) feeling no anxiety at all until I walked into his office. I got though that one fairly quickly, but I could tell that he could tell. And other times it basically shuts me down. As soon as it happens the intense embarrassment takes it from there and keeps it going. Why can't this joker just introduce himself? Man this guy is an embarrassment? Why is he in charge of anything??
One last bit of background on my social anxiety/panic disorder. I actually build up panic attack anxiety just for having to go around the room and give your name and say something about yourself. Traditionally, I was only able to do something like that if I was called on spur of the moment, but if I had time to sit knowing I was next, that would kill me. Recently though, it is taking over even if it is spontaneous, or if I feel calm going into it. It just takes the idea of it to just pop in my head and the panic takes over. At a meeting 2 weeks ago I had to excuse myself. I sat there feeling perfectly relaxed and this happened inside my head; "what if I have a panic attack?" "I won't. This meeting is cake, I am very relaxed." "Sure, I am relaxed now, but what if I do". Then, I slipped right into an attack. The fear of having an attack caused the attack.
Thanks for listening folks. I hope to get to know some of you, hear good advice, and figure a way out of this hole.
P.S. I am using alcohol at work to hide this embarrassing problem. I drank before I met my boss's boss and that did not seem to help enough. One other time it seemed to not help as well. I went to my car to drink before a large meeting where I was afraid I would be called upon introduce myself and my team to a larger group. I got to the meeting late because I was panicking by myself in my car before the meeting. A few other meetings the alcohol worked like a charm. I now stare at my calendar each day looking at what my week holds and dreading every day. Anyway, I as the late Richard Manuel sang; "you don't know the Shape I'm In" - or perhaps I'll hear from someone who does.
Thanks everyone.