Lying to myself...

[Ashlee13x]

I had my last session with my hypnotherapist on Wednesday, but I wasn't telling the truth. In the car on the way to my session I was really nervous to get hypnotised, I don't know why because nothing bad could happen and it was really helping me! So, I decided to lie to my therapist and tell him I was doing really great... which I am... I have got a lot better than I was before but I'm still getting intrusive thoughts, constantly. I havent had a panic attack in over a month and the only time I feel really anxious is when I have a hangover... I did this last time I had therapy and I relapsed but I just couldn't do the therapy anymore.. I haven't been on here for a few days because I'm trying to figure out what to do with myself... I just don't know how to help myself anymore :(

[em1]

Hello Ashlee what thoughts are you getting?

[mattharlow88]

Hope your ok ash x

[Enduronman]

:rolleyes: .........

[Ashlee13x]

Hello Ashlee what thoughts are you getting?

Hi Em... Just silly things, today is that I have a blood clot because I have like a strained feeling in my leg.. the thing is, I know I don't, like i know its really silly but my head wants me to think I have... just things like that.. really little things that I'm trying to convince my anxious side is not real but its really overpowering if that makes sense!!

[Ashlee13x]

Hope your ok ash x

I'm okay thanks, getting there! How are you?? x

[Ashlee13x]

:rolleyes: .........

Yes E-man....??

[mattharlow88]

A bit if a bad day today, different anxiety symptoms have started, really strange ones x

[Ashlee13x]

Yeah, I read your post!! It's just anxiety up to its usual tricks again but if you are really worried, go to the docs just to get a docs opinion! x

[GeneAllen]

I know you have your answer Ashlee. As long as you resist it then of course it persists. Sometimes when some of us try to push down the guilt we may feel, the anxiety arrives, and tries to push us back into place. The guilt can be false or true. The feelings are the same. I have been through this, I call it denial. What you have been doing the last few days have led you here now. Imho
(I would think that if you get what I'm saying you probably hate to hear my posts). I hope you let yourself be free and well asap. Peace

PS: I recognize this whether it's true to you or not as it relates to me, It sounds so like myself. I may misperceive this though, and just be projecting, if so I apologize.

[Perses]

Dear Ashlee,

A couple of things strike me about your post:

a) it sounds to me like perhaps you wanted your therapist to feel he had helped you. You lied to be nice. I often feel the need to be nice to therapists when I'm sitting in their offices. Or, if I'm talking to someone about the therapy, I look for the positive things to say because I want to acknowledge the work of my therapist.
b) You didn't exactly lie, because, indeed, things have improved. It appears, in particular, that your work with the therapist has helped you figure out how to stave off panic attacks. You've added another tool to use to help yourself. Really, you have.
c) As I understand it, it's the intrusive thoughts that have you feeling low or frustrated. So, it's not the big frightening panic attacks, but the low level constancy of anxious feelings. In other words, you can weather the hurricanes but you still have to deal with the waves that hit the shoreline daily. That's I think something we all face. It's the low-grade but constant worrying thoughts.
d) I wish I could offer advice re: health anxiety, but that's one form of anxiety that doesn't bother me that much.

[GeneAllen]

Hi Ashlee

Sorry you're still feeling troubled. Don't be too hard on yourself for not being truthful at your appointment. I have done that before and phoned them and came clean.

I think you (and I) did it because as Gene said we can be in denial at times. We just want that "truth" to be it. We anxiety sufferers can not live under the denial blanket for very long though. We are far too self aware to be able to do it.

I would suggest you just ring your therapist, explain the what and why and see what he suggests.

Good luck Ash.

Frankie,
WOW you are coming along so well. I read your other posts too. Hang in there fine lady. Peace

[Ashlee13x]

I'm not too sure I understand your post.. What do you mean exactly by guilt??

[Ashlee13x]

Dear Ashlee,

A couple of things strike me about your post:

a) it sounds to me like perhaps you wanted your therapist to feel he had helped you. You lied to be nice. I often feel the need to be nice to therapists when I'm sitting in their offices. Or, if I'm talking to someone about the therapy, I look for the positive things to say because I want to acknowledge the work of my therapist.
b) You didn't exactly lie, because, indeed, things have improved. It appears, in particular, that your work with the therapist has helped you figure out how to stave off panic attacks. You've added another tool to use to help yourself. Really, you have.
c) As I understand it, it's the intrusive thoughts that have you feeling low or frustrated. So, it's not the big frightening panic attacks, but the low level constancy of anxious feelings. In other words, you can weather the hurricanes but you still have to deal with the waves that hit the shoreline daily. That's I think something we all face. It's the low-grade but constant worrying thoughts.
d) I wish I could offer advice re: health anxiety, but that's one form of anxiety that doesn't bother me that much.

Thanks Persis. What you said in C) is exactly it! The only thing that my therapist didn't give to me was a way of dealing with the thoughts, no worksheets, he just used the power of hypnotherapy that I don't think I took in too much because it scared me!

[Ashlee13x]

Hi Ashlee

Sorry you're still feeling troubled. Don't be too hard on yourself for not being truthful at your appointment. I have done that before and phoned them and came clean.

I think you (and I) did it because as Gene said we can be in denial at times. We just want that "truth" to be it. We anxiety sufferers can not live under the denial blanket for very long though. We are far too self aware to be able to do it.

I would suggest you just ring your therapist, explain the what and why and see what he suggests.

Good luck Ash.

I don't feel like I am in denial though, I know I have an anxiety problem, I just don't feel therapy is for me... Ahh, I don't know.. I haven't told my family or partner, I just act like I'm healed...

Thanks Frankie, How are you doing??

[GeneAllen]

I don't feel like I am in denial though, I know I have an anxiety problem, I just don't feel therapy is for me... Ahh, I don't know.. I haven't told my family or partner, I just act like I'm healed...

Thanks Frankie, How are you doing??

Good point Ashlee, You said, "I don't FEEL like I'm in denial. Only you know, or don't know. Sometimes we don't FEEL we are right, and come to find out we were right. Same with guilt. Why would

you not tell your partner or family or therapist the truth? Why is it important to mention the lying as you say to therapist, and maybe family? Can you really not see your answer, guilt usually

comes when were not telling the truth, for me anyway, if I deny I feel guilty about it, it's still denial. It's not as complex as anxiety makes it, but I think in this case it's not anxiety as much as

guilt and denial. It's my opinion. You'll only accept what fits you now, agree with whatever you thinks sounds better, and FEELS better. Thinking straight is a choice, truth is too. I am making a

point, not in any way judging you, as I have did it ALL! I am merely telling you, you are intellectually all there, but a bit in denial maybe. Intellect and emotions are separate. You have told us all

here over the last while you were getting better, so were you telling us the truth? I think you were, and are better, but now you want to feel bad for something else? I suspect it's guilt. Plain

simple observation. Do you think you're to special to be told the truth as others see it? I mean you're so much more than you imagine, and you are getting where you need to be. Let go, think it

over, just be, quit being this or that. You do know you're more than your looks, thoughts, behavior, and intellect right? You're more than a name, we all are, we're not what others think ever. We

simply are. Then the personality wants to say I'm cool, I'm uncool, I'm pretty, I'm ugly, it's all a game we play in this world. Truth is you're perfect right now, and yes even with all of our

discrepancies, we are worthy of fullness of love, self love. Then and only then will we be better equipped to love and honor, respect others. This is what some call being the greatest version of

yourself. Sorry I'm not giving breaks to myself, or you, and a little accountability here is a good thing. Criticism is negative, but saying I see your capabilities and you're not walking your talk is

honestly positive. You fell off the happy wagon, it's always temporary anyway so don't feel badly, we all do this. Now happy and anxiety free are not the same, we can just be, and not have

anxiety. Truly I think it's our natural state. Pity and love are not even close to being synonymous. Empathy is closer, I see your pain, and I know you can do it, you're not less than anyone.

You're also surely not a victim, you're a strong capable woman. Let that sink in and repeat it daily. Peace

[Ashlee13x]

Wow, you should write a book! Some beautiful words in there! I haven't done anything to feel guilty about... the reason I'm not telling my family and partner the truth is because I don't want to put them through this anymore. I may subconciously feel guilty about that, but I don't feel guilty about telling my therapist I was fine because I had just had enough of therapy. I feel as though I am trying to run away from anxiety! He told me to talk to my doctor about slowly coming off my meds but I don't think I am quite ready yet although I feel like they don't help anyway. I think I just need to find inner peace and balance... thats my problem! I take on too much of everyone elses crap! Thanks for your help Gene!

[GeneAllen]

Howdy again. You said, "I think I just need to find inner peace and balance" Another good insight here Ashlee. I ask how would you recognize this though? Can you see you equate that inner

peace and balance to an image or feeling, or thought forms? Yes, there it is, right there in you, as a matter of fact it IS you. That my dear is the fullness of love, it's right there, where you are.

I didn't come here to fool ya friend. Peace

[Ashlee13x]

I think I equate the innter peace and balance through feeling and thought forms. I just need to learn to 'let it be'. Maybe this is the start of a journey or self discovery!