Just a kid with Anxiety

[Jade92]

Hi, I'm new to the forum. Seems like a cool place with a lot of people who share the same problems I have so any advice, feedback or wisdoms will be really appreciated.

I'm a 21 year old male musician and I've been struggling with general and social Anxiety for about 5 years now. It runs in my family but I have a belief that it was triggered by bad acid trip I had when I was 16.

I see a psychologist from time to time and i just started taking Zoloft again after being off it for about 2 years. For a while I got the anxiety under control and I was able to ween off the meds but since then I've started doing more drugs and drinking and the anxiety has come back pretty much full swing.

My anxiety isn't so serious that I have full blown panic attacks but it is debilitating enough that it's really started to effect my livelihood and happiness which really scares me. I worry about the smallest things pretty much all day long, I don't sleep well and I've become so insecure socially that it's become hard to connect and talk with my friends, girlfriend, and EVEN my family. I constantly feel uncontrollably self conscious and judged by my peers. I fear that I'm boring people or that what i say isn't cool enough which makes me close up and not say anything at all and prevents me from ever having a natural relaxed conversation. And when my self esteem is lowered by that I start to think negatively about things and that seriously effects my creativity which is the most important thing to me.

I've talked to my girlfriend, friends and my parents about it and although it helps that they know and understand I still feel constantly overwhelmed by it and I worry that I will never be able to get it under control.

Part of that worry is that I have a very hard time saying no to drugs and drinking. I'm in 3 touring bands and live in a city where people love to party. Most of my friends smoke pot or do cocaine and drink and I'm around it all the time.
I don't smoke pot anymore but I do enjoy drinking until the day after when my anxiety flies through the roof. I used to be able to drink more but now I get pretty anxious after 1 beer so I'm starting realize that it's just not worth it.

But it's hard. My friends all get loaded and offer me drinks and drugs all the time and I feel like saying no would come off as boring or square. It's such a social lubricant that I can't imagine myself in situations where I'm doing absolutely nothing. I wouldn't know what to do with myself. And that thought itself instantly sends me into a downward spiral. But I know that if I quit I would feel a lot better mentally and start getting back my confidence, creativity and happiness.

So my question is how do I get to that place? The place where I'm feeling confident enough that I don't feel like I need to do any drugs and still have a good time. I just started the medication so I know it'll take a while to kick in but right now I don't have the power to play a show or go to parties and say. I just want to be happy and feel like myself again.

I'm sorry for the long rant but thanks to anyone who takes the time to read it and respond. I look forward to hearing your stories.

Jade

[Enduronman]

WOW..
Hmmm...I too have done all of those things, and then some.
Except, i'm not a musician or a performer. It "appears" as if you just have a mild performance anxiety.
Not only with the group, people, but also the instances, events, occasions that you must take part in to as you stated, protect your livelihood and make a living.
The (zoloft) will help with this, but as you already know and have also stated, it doesn't "sit" well with other drugs especially booze..it throws off the "chemistry" because of the acetones created in your body after drinking...alcohol is some pretty nasty stuff but it also builds nations too and can lower inhibitions abit as well. (take the edge off)
Although, it can also (put the edge on) in your case...and trying to "fit in" can be tough too especially being offered all those other drugs too. Tough to say NO...but
it would be in your best interest to do as such to prevent these further issues and struggles.
We're all unique, it's OK to be different than everyone else without the fear of reprisals from others..Hell I took my own food to Thanksgiving dinner before because I was a Vegan bodybuilder...I know your "feelings"...I wanted to eat like everyone else, enjoy the things everyone else was, feel that mood, Holiday, event, festivity,...but, NO.
I had other things on my mind, in my life, that I chose to focus on and that was better health, fitness, shape, form, and to keep the sense of "well being" that I was creating for ME....Did I get flack over it? Yes, but it only lasted for a few minutes while I explained to them, here's why?...Oh, OK! Well, Happy Thanksgiving! All was then forgotten...

How do you get to that "place" where YOU feel confident?....You create it for you. You already know HOW to do that also, by your words...

So, fill up a glass with some soda and tell everyone that asks you if you wanna drink, NO,.I already have one thank you...shit put some whisky on the glass so it smells like it if they should be so inquisitive to check..There's many ways around this issue...

Also, a (beta blocker) may help you too. It's verrrryyyy common for people in your profession to use them. For = Performance! In ALLLLL of those areas that you just mentioned above...cheap, safe, effective, and you do not have to take them every single day either, only when asked to "perform".....

Once you decide to do this, clean, sober, and you tell everyone that has their own agenda and expectations of YOU,..they'll understand and they'll forget it in about 3 minutes too...not as "exciting" or as interesting to them all as you may think it is...they won't be whispering in the background "Geeze, wonder wtf is wrong with Jade he won't get slammed with us anymore?"...They will respect your OWN wishes for you.

You may even be a perfect candidate for some suggestions on some natural supplements and such, considering you don't have panic..sometimes it can be as simple as adding in an amino acid or a certain vitamin or mineral..many of us here also use them with great successes and pretty quickly too.

You want the Power to go play a show, go to a party, then look in the mirror and tell yourself, You are You and to hell with what other people may "think" because no one knows what anyone else is "thinking" anyway....remove the doubt, remove the fear, and take control of YOU. It's all we were born with anyway, control of oneself.

Send me some tickets to your next show!

E-Man..:)

[Jade92]

Thanks a lot for sharing your wisdom! Sorry it's taken a while to respond.

The last 3 months I've been completely sober. It's been for the most part very awesome. I was incredibly surprised at how accepting people were of my decision. My friends don't mind at all and my girlfriend actually thinks it's really cool. It was really awesome to get over that bump and realize that I don't need to use alcohol as a crutch for emotional instability.

However, stopping drinking hasn't cured my anxiety. I have been able to sleep better but I am still pretty consistently overwhelmed by my anxiety. I started taking 25 mgs of Zoloft and that wasn't getting me anywhere so I bumped it up to 100 mgs and I still don't feel like it's working. Maybe it's not the med for me?

See, I don't want to depend on a prescription med to make me feel normal. My girlfriend believes in natural healing and in I want to as well
but my anxiety is so overwhelming sometimes that I don't know if even a better lifestyle will help. I mean I stopped drinking and smoking completely and taking an anxiety medication and I feel like nothing's changed. And I don't want to keep bumping my dosage up until I'm a total zombie.

This is when I start to feel hopeless. I cant describe how frustrating it is to try to get there in stay in the same place.

Im open to anything. I just desperately want to feel better. I can't go through life like this I just can't.